The New Male Sexuality (31 page)

“Saturday morning was special. You’re terrific.”

“I feel so good and so close to you. I love making love with you.”

“That was wonderful. I especially liked it when you licked my nipples at the same time you were playing with my penis.”

“You have the most beautiful breasts in the world. I love looking at them, touching and rubbing them, licking them, sucking them.”

“You are, without a doubt, the best blow-job giver in the Western world.”

“I keep thinking about last night. It was great. I’d like a repeat performance ASAP.”

“You drove me crazy when you squeezed my balls while I was coming.”

Of course, “I love you,” if sincerely meant, is never out of place.

Regular practice with the exercises and ideas in this chapter can make a dramatic difference in how well you express yourself and the quality of your relationship. Men have a lot to gain by being more expressive.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

The Power of Asserting Yourself

I know I’m supposed to be able to assert myself—that’s what men do, right?—but I’ve never been good at it. —
Man, 33

I’m fine at the office and in public. No trouble saying what I want. But at home, especially in bed, it’s like I’m mute. I don’t know what I want and can’t express it even when I do. —
Man, 42

All my life I’ve gotten into trouble because of my pushiness. People get turned off by how I try to get my way. —
Man, 64

Being able to express what you want and go after it—meeting your conditions—is an absolute essential if you want good sex. This is supposed to be something men are skillful at, but I’ve not been impressed with the ability of men to get, or even to express, what they want in personal relations.

Of course, no one ever gets everything he wants, and all of us must compromise and sometimes do things we aren’t thrilled with. But an assertive person expresses his desires and tries to get what’s right for him. He does not regularly go along with a situation not to his liking and withdraw in silence or express his anger in inappropriate ways.

I have certainly seen men act aggressively, intimidating and bullying their partners. They sometimes get their way, of course, but they cause immense damage to their relationships and aren’t happy with what they get; they recognize at some level that it wasn’t given freely. Although most onlookers would agree that these men have lots of power in their relationships, I have yet to meet one who felt powerful. They often feel just the opposite, powerless. Hank, for example, comes on very strong. He doesn’t ask, he demands. His girlfriend often has sex with him, and does other things as well, when she doesn’t want to because there doesn’t seem to be a choice. The result is that she’s turned off sexually and has been seriously
thinking of leaving. And Hank isn’t happy with the sex he’s been getting. He wants a more enthusiastic partner. Yet he has difficulty understanding that the way he expresses himself is a turn-off to her.

Other men are sensitive and empathic, but they are not strong or assertive. They don’t seem to have much energy, enthusiasm, or skill for getting their own needs met. They are similar to aggressive men in that they feel no sense of control in their relations with women. Roger often wanted sex with his wife, but he rarely got it because before suggesting it to her he carefully considered her mood and situation. If she seemed tired or busy, if she said she’d had a rough day, or if she was reading a book or watching TV, he didn’t initiate sex. Needless to say, Roger felt frustrated a lot of the time. Even when he had sex, he didn’t get what he wanted. He accepted whatever his wife offered and never bothered to tell her that he wanted something else.

To help you determine if you need help with assertiveness, consider the following questions:

Can you tell your partner that you need more time for yourself (to be with your friends, read, exercise, or whatever)?

Can you tell her you want to spend more time with her?

Can you let her know about something she’s done (or not done) that upsets you?

Can you let her know that you are not in the mood for sex even though she is?

Can you let her know clearly when you do want sex?

Can you indicate in a clear way that you don’t want intercourse but would like some other form of sex?

Can you indicate exactly what kind of stimulation you want?

Can you let her know that certain feelings are getting in the way of your sexual interest, arousal, or functioning?