The New Male Sexuality (76 page)

Improving the Quality of Sex

One reason some people don’t want much sex is because the sex they have isn’t all that hot. I’m not talking about a dysfunction here; they function fine, but it doesn’t seem to be worth the effort. In working with a number of men like this, the problem has usually come down to a lack of assertiveness—they aren’t going after what they want.

It took some time and effort before Daniel was able to locate the problem. The best sex he’d had in his life had been with women he didn’t have a lot of feelings for. He was very forceful with them and went directly after what he wanted, which resulted in very high arousal. But now he was married and very much in love with his wife. He was much more focused on her feelings and pleasure than his own, which kept his arousal low.

One thing that helped was the idea of paying dues. By having lovemaking sessions where he focused totally on her pleasure, he felt he had paid his dues and earned the right to do the same for himself. So in the subsequent “Daniel-focused” sessions, he could focus more on himself and let himself go. Interestingly—and this almost invariably happens in such cases—his wife loved these sessions and didn’t think he was being too self-centered. She too had been missing his excitement and passion. If being assertive with your partner is a problem, reading
Chapter 11
will help.

Improving the quality of sex covers a lot of ground. Perhaps there’s
something about your partner’s behavior that you’d like to be different. A conversation with her will probably help. Remember to focus on what you want her to do and not on what she is doing that you don’t like. I recall one man who had lost much of his interest in sex and had developed sporadic erection difficulties, which further decreased his willingness to engage in sex. As we talked about how he felt about sex with his partner, he kept mentioning how “enthusiastic and active” she had been when they were dating. When I asked if she was still the same, he thought for a moment and then yelled, “That’s it, she isn’t. She doesn’t fuck me back. I do all the work, and she’s like a dead person.” In the following week, he had several conversations with her about this, and also about her complaints, which had caused her to be less active. He was able to hear her and change his behavior accordingly. Not surprisingly, her behavior then changed. I got a big charge out of the message he left me one day: “Don’t need another appointment. She’s fucking back. Feels great.”

Resolving Erection and Ejaculation Problems

A major reason some men lose interest in sex is because of an erection or ejaculation problem or the fear of one of them. Because the men aren’t sure they can have erections when required or last as long as their partners want, it seems easier just not to have sex at all. If you think this might be your situation, the appropriate action would be to resolve the erection or ejaculation problem. You should turn to the relevant chapters for information and decide, with your partner, whether you want to use the appropriate exercises in this book to work on your problem or to see a sex therapist. Whatever the two of you decide, do it!

Scheduling and Having Time Together

See the discussion in
Chapter 9
and follow the suggestions for making time to have fun together.

Having Sex in the Absence of Strong Desire

The model of sex we all hold is that desire motivates us to act; that is, we feel an inner urge and this makes us move toward our partner. Although there is nothing wrong with this model and it often reflects reality, it isn’t the only possibility. Take, for example, Gunther, who I quoted earlier.
Although his wife wanted more sex than he did, he often went along in order not to “sour our relationship.” And it’s clear he invariably felt good about having sex with her even though he initially lacked desire.

Many of us have experienced something similar with physical exercise. Although I’ve been an exercise buff since I was a child, there are days when I just don’t feel like working out. But I usually do anyway—unless I’m physically ill—because I know it’s good for me and also because I generally enjoy it once I get started. And I am always glad I did it afterward.

I’m not suggesting you have sex when doing so would make you feel coerced or feel bad about yourself. But if there’s anything positive about the idea of sex on a particular occasion—knowing you might get into it as the action proceeds, knowing it’s important for your relationship, wanting to satisfy your partner—why not go along and see what happens?

Men and women who make it a practice to have sex in the absence of strong desire often find that in the long run their desire increases. (Be sure, however, to resist the temptation to try to force erections or orgasms.) If you discover having sex without desire brings up strong feelings of fear or anger, that in itself may be beneficial by putting you in touch with what’s getting in your way. You should discuss these obstacles with your partner and, if necessary, with a therapist.

WHEN SHE’S LESS INTERESTED THAN YOU ARE

The best thing you can do in this situation is to help your partner talk to you about what’s going on with her. In order for that to happen, she needs to feel that she can trust you not to judge her responses or to use them against her. If you’ve been critical of her comments in the past, you need to apologize and assure her that it won’t happen again. You want to hear what’s going on with her, and you want the two of you to be able to resolve the issue in a way that honors both of you.

You may well hear things you don’t like. That may not seem like an enticing prospect, but I assure you it’s a good one. I say this in all seriousness because if it’s true that her relative lack of interest or willingness has to do with your behavior (you’re not romantic enough, you don’t do things she likes, and so on), you’re in a great position to change your behavior and therefore to change hers.

What follows is an edited transcript of a conversation between a couple I saw.

HIM
: I feel sad that you so often don’t want to make love. I’d like to make this better for us. Could you tell me what’s going on with you and our lovemaking?

HER
: Every time we’ve tried to talk about this, you get defensive and we have a fight.

HIM
: I know that’s the way it’s been. But we’ve got to talk, so I’m ready to listen. I promise I won’t get defensive. I want to understand.

HER
: Well … okay. But I don’t want you to attack me. Promise?

HIM
: Yes.

HER
: When we were first together, you wanted to please me. You were very romantic. You told me how beautiful I was, how I turned you on. And you used to enjoy satisfying me. You’d take your time and do what I liked and make sure I had an orgasm before or after intercourse. But it’s changed. I feel like you don’t care anymore. You rarely tell me nice things, and you don’t take time to turn me on. You give me a quick kiss and a touch or two, then you stick it in me and have your orgasm and that’s it. I don’t feel included or needed. So I’ve just turned off. And that’s it.

HIM
: Boy, that’s really hard to hear.… Let’s see if I understand. You’re saying that I’ve become selfish. Instead of acting romantically, like I used to, and instead of making sure both of us are turned on and satisfied, I just do what’s necessary to get my rocks off. Because of this, you’ve lost interest. Is that it?

HER
: It sure is.

HIM
: I can’t say it’s good to hear, but I’m glad I heard it instead of not hearing it. Tell you what. I need some time to let this sink in. Could we break this off for now and meet again tonight to continue? [In effect, he’s asking for a time-out.]

HER
: Fine. How about after dinner?

HIM
: That’s good.

HIM
(
LATER
): What you said earlier was hard to hear. But I thought about it and have to admit you’re right. I don’t know how or why it happened, but it did. And I can see why you’re not enjoying sex and not even wanting it.

HER
: I’m glad you understand.

HIM
: I want to change things. I miss the sex we used to have. Are you up for that?

HER
: Sure, that’s what I’ve always wanted. But you’re going to have to put more time and energy into lovemaking.

It is also possible that what is bothering your mate has nothing to do with you. One client couldn’t figure out what was going on with his wife. Although she had always seemed more hesitant about sex than other women he had been with, she had usually been a willing participant. Until, that is, they moved to California several years before, to the very city she had grown up in. As a child, she had been sexually molested by a neighbor for several years. This experience ended only when her family moved to another state. Coming back to the city of her molestation brought up all her old feelings of powerlessness and shame. She knew what was going on but was too ashamed to tell her husband until they were in therapy.

But it may also be true that nothing is bothering your partner and she just naturally has a lower sexual appetite than you. It’s a mistake to assume that everyone else has or should have the same level of interest in sex that you do. If your partner enjoys sex, isn’t hung up, yet doesn’t want it as often as you do, you’re going to have to work out some compromises.

It will not work to make her feel guilty. Many men do this. When their partners turn them down, they sulk for days until the partner gives in because she feels so guilty. This giving in is usually not a joyous event. It’s clear she’s doing it out of guilt, and with resentment for being coerced. The result is hardly ecstatic sex.

Far better, I think, to go over the list of sexual options with her and see what she’s willing to do for you when you’re in the mood and she isn’t.

Here’s a way one of these conversations might go.

YOU
: I guess I have to accept the fact that you’re not as interested in sex as I am.

HER
: I think that’s true. I enjoy our lovemaking and have no complaints about it, but I don’t want it five times a week. That was true before I met you. Twice a week or so is about right for me.

YOU
: I’m not sure where to go from here. You know me, I always want intercourse. But I read about the other options in the book and I think I could be satisfied with them sometimes. Do you have any interest in that?

HER
: I’ve said many times that I’ll be happy to get you off when I’m not in the mood.

YOU
: I know. It’s just a little hard for me to accept. I’m getting all the pleasure.

HER
: I’m not excited the way you are, but why can’t you understand it makes me happy to give you pleasure?

YOU
: I’m trying, but it’s a new idea. Okay, next time I’m in the mood and you’re not, I’m going to ask you for something else. How about we agree to two things? One is that you accept only if you really want to. I need to know you’re not doing anything you don’t want to do. And the second is that I’ll try to accept and appreciate what you can do. Is that a deal?

Now let’s try a variation in which the partner isn’t as agreeable as the one above. The man has just asked her if she’d be willing to get him off when she’s not up for intercourse.

HER
: I know the right answer would be yes, I’ll get you off whenever you want. But I don’t feel that. Sure, I’d be willing to do that sometimes, as I already have. But I’m not going to want to do that every time you want something. We have intercourse once or twice a week, and that’s plenty for me. I’m afraid you’re going to want something else every day, and I can’t honestly say I’d be up for that. I’d rather do something else.

HIM
: Like what?

HER
: Lots of things. I think it could be very romantic to take a short walk with you before going to sleep. Or just cuddle. I love it when we lie in bed or on the sofa and just hold each other for a few minutes. Or a short body rub. You know how much I like them.

HIM
: So there are a number of things you’d like to do sometimes instead of sex, like walking, cuddling, and body rubs. Right?

HER
: Sure.

HIM
: You’d also be willing to get me off when you’re not in the mood for sex, but not every night. Right?

HER
: Yes.

HIM
: What about this? I’ll ask for what I want, and you feel free to answer as you want. If I ask for sex and you don’t want that, you say no and also suggest what you want to do. One more thing: You feel free to request a body rub or a walk when that’s what you feel like doing. How’s that?

HER
: Sounds perfect, but I’m worried you’ll sulk when I refuse you sex. That’s happened so many times. That doesn’t make me want to suggest a walk.

HIM
: I’m going to have to learn not to do that, to just accept your refusal without taking it personally. You know what would help? If you could make the rejection a little easier. Instead of just saying
you’re not in the mood, maybe you could say, “I’m not up for sex now, but I’d love to be with you. What about some cuddling?” That would soften the blow.