The New Male Sexuality (80 page)

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S. Carter & J. Sokol,
What Really Happens in Bed
, 311.

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S. Hite,
The Hite Report on Male Sexuality
, 1097–1098.

“Estimates are that about 70 percent …”
M. Hunt,
Sexual Behavior in the 1970s
, and R. Levin & A. Levin, “Sexual Pleasure,”
Redbook
(Sept. 1975), 51–58.

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Kinsey’s definition of a nymphomaniac is given in W. Pomeroy, Dr.
Kinsey and the Institute for Sex Research
(Signet, 1972), 317.

“A controversy has raged …”
Feminist viewpoints are given in L. Lederer (ed.),
Take Back the Night
(Morrow, 1980), and a wide range of men’s opinions are in M. Kimmel,
Men Confront Pornography
(Crown, 1990).

“Studies of sexual fantasies …”
C. Crepault & M. Couture, “Men’s Erotic Fantasies,” Archives
of Sexual Behavior
, 1980,
9
, 565–581; M. Hunt,
Sexual Behavior in the 1970s;
D. Sue, “Erotic Fantasies of College Students During Coitus,”
Journal of Sex Research
, 1979,
15
, 299–305; D. Zimmer et al., “Sexual Fantasies of Sexually Distressed and Nondistressed Men and Women,”
Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy
, 1983,
9
, 38–50.

Chapter 6

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J. Brown,
Out of Bounds
(Zebra, 1990), 205.

Chapter 7

“Having the kind of relationship …”
The finding of an intensive study of couples says it all: “When the nonsexual parts of couples’ lives are going badly, their sex life suffers.” P. Blumstein & P. Schwartz,
American Couples
(Morrow, 1983), 203.

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On the importance of communication, see S. Metts & W. Cupach, “The Role of Communication in Human Sexuality,” in K. McKinney & S. Sprecher (eds.),
Human Sexuality
(Ablex, 1989), 150–161, and A. Pines,
Keeping the Spark Alive
(St. Martins, 1988), 171.

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On the reactions of boys and girls to the first experience of intercourse, see J. DeLamater, “Gender Differences in Sexual Scenarios,” in K. Kelley (ed.),
Females, Males, and Sexuality
(SUNY, 1987), 127–140. The best survey I know of girls’ first sexual experiences is S. Thompson, “Putting a Big Thing into a Little Hole,”
Journal of Sex Research
, 1990,
27
, 341–361. Many of the girls describe the experience as painful, boring, or disappointing, and many of them talk about it as just sort of happening without any intention on their part.

Chapter 8

I have relied on a number of sources for the discussion in this chapter on sex differences. One of them is a series of interviews I conducted with women at three different times: 1977, 1991, and 1998. There was only one question: “What makes a man a good lover?” The responses at the three times were remarkably consistent. Most of the quotes and examples in the chapter are from these interviews. Aside from the books and articles noted below, I also made heavy use of the work of sociobiologist D. Symonds, especially
The Evolution of Human Sexuality
, (Oxford, 1979), J. Daniluk,
Women’s Sexuality Across the Life Span
(Guilford, 1998), and A. Moir & D. Jessel,
Brain Sex
(Lyle Stuart, 1991).

“If the first space visitor …”
Quoted in R Pittman, “The Masculine Mystique,”
Family Therapy Networker
, May/June 1990, 42.

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On men’s style of loving, see R Cancian,
Love in America
(Cambridge, 1987). Cancian is one of the few writers I found who treats men’s style as something of value, rather than as an inadequacy.
The story of the man who washed his wife’s car is in T. Wills et al., “A Behavioral Analysis of the Determinants of Marital Satisfaction,”
Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology
, 197
4, 42
, 802–811.

“In one study …”
J. Carroll et al., “Differences Between Males and Females in Motives for Engaging in Sexual Intercourse,”
Archives of Sexual Behavior
, 1985,
14
, 131–139.

“Male fantasies, for example, include more visual content …”
B. Ellis & D. Symons, “Sex Differences in Sexual Fantasy,”
Journal of Sex Research
, 1990,
27
, 527–555. This is probably the best study yet done on the subject. On the differences between the sexual thoughts, fantasies, and activity of women and men, see R. Coles & G. Stokes,
Sex and the American Teenager
(Harper, 1985); J. Jones & D. Barlow, “Self-reported Frequency of Sexual Urges, Fantasies, and Masturbatory Fantasies in Heterosexual Males and Females,”
Archives of Sexual Behavior
, 1990,
19
, 269–279; R. Knoth et al., “Empirical Tests of Sexual Selection Theory,”
Journal of Sex Research
, 1988,
24
, 73–89; and S. Hite,
The Hite Report on Male Sexuality
(Macmillan, 1976), 599–615.

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Regarding the importance of touching to women, perhaps the most dramatic evidence comes from the answers of 100,000 women to a question asked by advice columnist Ann Landers. The question was: “Would you be content to be held close and treated tenderly and forget about ‘the act’?” Seventy-two percent of the respondents said yes, and 40 percent of them were
under
forty years old. “What 100,000 Women Told Ann Landers,”
Reader’s Digest
, Aug. 1985, 44–46.

“In a study of sexual fantasies …”
B. Ellis & D. Symons, 1990.

“Only a small number of men have problems …”
These men are called “retarded ejaculators” by sex therapists, and they certainly do exist. But theirs is by far the least common of the male sexual problems.

“Some men are uncomfortable …”
N. Denny
et al.
found that women wanted to spend more time in foreplay and afterplay than did men. “Sex Differences in Sexual Needs and Desires,”
Archives of Sexual Behavior
, 1984,
13
, 233–245. J. Halpern and M. Sherman also found that women wanted more physical affection after sex than did men;
Afterplay
(Pocket, 1979).

Chapter 9

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Regarding the physical and emotional consequences of not expressing emotion, see S. Jourard,
The Transparent Self
(
Van
Nostrand, 1964), and J. Balswick,
The Inexpressive Male
(Lexington, 1988). Also see the fascinating work by J. Pennebaker,
Opening Up
(Morrow, 1990). His research indicates that the prolonged inhibition of important thoughts and feelings is unhealthy and, further, that expressing these feelings—confessing, as he puts it—promotes physical and emotional well-being.

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S. Hite,
Women and Love
(Knopf, 1987), 5.

“25 percent of husbands were surprised …”
E. Hetherington & A. Tryon, “His and Her Divorces,”
Family Therapy Networker
, Nov./Dec. 1989, 58. My requirements for happy relationships are similar to the characteristics John Gottman found in his research on happily married couples.

Chapter 10

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The research indicating that our emotions are generated and maintained by our thoughts has been conducted by cognitive psychologists and therapists. A good introduction, and a useful self-help book as well, is D. Burns,
Feeling Good
(Signet, 1980).

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A. Pines,
Keeping the Spark Alive
(St. Martins. 1988).

Chapter 11

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On what assertiveness is and is not, the best source is R. Alberti & M. Emmons,
Your Perfect Right
(Impact), any edition. This is the book that started that whole assertiveness movement.

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Yeses and Nos: L. Barbach,
For Yourself
(Signet, 1976), 50–51.

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C. Tavris,
Anger
(Touchstone, 1989).

Chapter 12

My ideas about listening, talking, and dealing with conflict have been significantly influenced by informal conversations over the years with psychologist Dan Wile. His book
After the Honeymoon
(Wiley, 1988) is not easy but can be very helpful to couples willing to put out some effort. Two other useful works are J. Gottman,
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail
(Simon & Schuster, 1994) and
The Seven Principles That Make Marriage Work
(Crown, forthcoming, 1999).

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On nagging, a study of divorced men and women had some interesting findings. Half of the women complained that lack of communication and affection was the main problem in their marriages. But the most common complaint of the men “was their wives’ nagging, whining, and faultfinding.” Hetherington & Tryon, “His and Her Divorces,”
Family Therapy Networker
, Nov./Dec. 1989, 58.

Chapter 13

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D. Wile, personal communication.

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On forgiveness, a useful work is S. Simon & S. Simon,
Forgiveness
(Warner, 1990).

“it has been estimated …”
N. Jacobson, personal communication.

“it tends on the average to be six years …”
J. Buongiorno, “Wait Time Until Marital Therapy,” unpublished master’s thesis, Catholic University of America, 1992.

Chapter 14

“Touching is a vital …”
A. Montagu,
Touching
(Perennial), 1971.

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A. Montagu,
Touching
, 192.

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R. Heinlein,
Stranger in a Strange Land
(Berkley, 1961), 175.

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These body rubs are similar in some ways to the sensate focus exercise Masters and Johnson give in
Human Sexual Inadequacy
(Little, Brown, 1970), 71–75.

Chapter 15

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Many people, including some sex therapists, use
arousal
as a synonym for
erection
. But then they are faced with the problem of what to call the feeling or experience of excitement. Confusion is the inevitable result when they use the same term to refer to both. Clarity seems best served if we use separate terms for separate phenomena.

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B. Apfelbaum, personal communication.

“Simmering …”
B. Zilbergeld & C. Ellison, “Desire Discrepancies and Arousal Problems,” in S. Leiblum & L. Pervin (eds.),
Principles and Practice of Sex Therapy
(Guilford, 1980), 79.

“collections of erotica written by women …”
Two good ones are L. Barbach (ed.),
Erotic Interludes
(Doubleday, 1986), and
The Erotic Edge
(Plume, 1996).

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Dr. Arnold Kegel started using this exercise with women who were incontinent after childbirth, and they told him their sex lives had improved. “Sexual Function of the Pubococcygeus Muscle,”
Western Journal of Surgery
, 1952,
60
, 521–534.