The New Male Sexuality (79 page)

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The terms “face-to-face intimacy” and “side-by-side intimacy” were coined by P. Wright, “Men’s Friendships, Women’s Friendships, and the Alleged Inferiority of the Latter,”
Sex Roles
, 1982, 5, 1–20. N. Mailer,
The Armies of the Night
(Signet, 1968), 16. D. Gilmore,
Manhood in the Making
(Yale, 1990), 11.

“Western societies long ago got rid of these rituals.…”
To those who might argue that the Jewish bar mitzvah remains, let me suggest that it is no longer a rite of passage. The thirteen-year-old boy still can’t work in the adult world, still can’t support himself, still can’t vote, drink, or drive. There is no substantive way in which his life changes. Despite the ceremony, he remains a boy. On the relationships between fathers and sons, of over seven thousand men respondents to Shere Hite’s questionnaire, “almost no men said they had been or were close to their fathers”;
The Hite Report on Male Sexuality
(Knopf, 1981), 17. As extreme as this finding seems, it doesn’t differ that much from those in other surveys: S. Osherson,
Finding Our Fathers
(Fawcett, 1986), 6–8. R. Heckler,
In Search of the Warrior Spirit
(North Atlantic, 1990), 38–39.

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T. O’Connor, “A Day for Men,”
Family Therapy Networker
(May/June 1990), 36.

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J. Lester, “Being a Boy,” Ms. (July 1973), 112.
A. Pines, personal communication.
Because of the emphasis on competition, strength, and self-reliance, men have a difficult time forming close friendships. On the basis of his research, D. Levinson states, “close friendship with a man or woman is rarely experienced by American men.”
The Seasons of a Man’s Life
(Knopf, 1978), 335.

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D. Tannen,
You Just Don’t Understand
(Morrow, 1990).
“They are slow to admit to illness …” A. Kipnis,
Knights Without Armor
, (Tarcher, 1991), 38–41.

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J. Lester, “Being a Boy.”

“He was after all …”
C. Schuler,
Sophisticated Lady
, 87.

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B. Cosby “The Regular Way,”
Playboy
(December 1968), 288–289.

“Her hands left my neck …”
Kellerman,
Time Bomb
, 121.

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I. Wallace,
The Guest of Honor
(Dell, 1989), 223.

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L. Barbach and L. Levine,
Shared Intimacies
(Bantam, 1981),
33
.

“For women, sex is intertwined …”
J. Carroll et al., “Differences Between Males and Females in Motives for Engaging in Sexual Intercourse,”
Archives of Sexual Behavior
, 1985,
14
, 131–139; M. Brown & A. Auerback, “Communication Patterns in Initiation of Marital Sex,”
Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality
, 1981,
15
, 107–117.

Chapter 2

“magical instruments …”
S. Marcus,
The Other Victorians
(Basic, 1966), 212.

“She was a month away …”
J. Higgins,
Season in Hell
(Pocket, 1990), 52. J. Gardner,
The Secret Houses
(Jove, 1990), 58.

“That’s right, honey, …”
H. Robbins,
The Adventurers
(Pocket, 1966), 251.

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H. Robbins,
The Betsy
(Pocket, 1972), 101–103.

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L. Rubin,
Erotic Wars
(Farrar, Straus, Giroux, 1990), 9. “A man in a research study …” M. E. McGill,
The McGill Report on Male Intimacy
(Perennial, 1985), 194. “A woman in the same study …”
McGill Report
, 190.

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The classic study of touching is A. Montagu,
Touching
(Perennial, 1971).

“Ike Vesper …”
R. Gorton,
The Hucksters of Holiness
(Bart, 1989), 128. “Now all Alexis wanted …” R. Latow,
Three Rivers
(Ballantine, 1981), 113.

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On the difficulty men have saying no to sex, research indicates that men actually have more unwanted sex than women. Unlike women, however, most men who have unwanted sex aren’t forced into it. Rather, they go along largely because of the fear of being thought less than men if they refuse. C. Muehlenhard & S. Cook, “Men’s Self-reports of Unwanted Sexual Activity,”
Journal of Sex Research
, 1988,
24
, 58–72.

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E. Jong,
Parachutes and Kisses
(Signet, 1985), 340–341.

“She reached inside …”
B. Sassoon,
Fantasies
(Pocket, 1991), 461.
“She swears …” S. Sheldon,
If Tomorrow Comes
(Warner, 1986), 202.

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M. Puzo,
The Godfather
(Fawcett, 1969), 28.

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H. Robbins,
Dreams Die First
(Pocket, 1978).

“She wailed …”
D. Morrell,
The Covenant of the Flame
(Warner, 1991), 406.

“She captured …”
H. Robbins,
The Adventurers
, 475.

“The lingering kiss …”
I. Wallace,
The Guest of Honor
(Dell, 1989), 226. “With Dax it’s like having …” and “She looked at him …” H. Robbins,
The Adventurers
, 427, 386.

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The original description of orgasm experienced as the earth moving is in Hemingway’s
For Whom the Bell Tolls
(Scribner’s, 1940), 160.

“Then Jeff rolled …”
S. Sheldon,
If Tomorrow Comes
, 369.

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S. Filson,
Nightwalker
(New American Library, 1989), 176–177. “Alix felt as if …” E. Lustbader,
French Kiss
(Fawcett, 1989), 119. “You’re good, Ezra …” I. Wallace,
The Guest of Honor
, 226. “Deeper, harder …” C. Schuler,
Sophisticated Lady
(Harlequin, 1989), 82. “With three violent thrusts …” and “Within seconds …” B. Sassoon,
Fantasies
, 428, 411.

“No wonder that faking orgasms.…”
C. Darling & J. Davidson, “Understanding the Feminine Mystique of Pretending Orgasm,”
Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy
, 1986,
12
, 182–196. See also S. Carter & J. Sokol,
What Really Happens in Bed
(Evans, 1989), 315, who claim that “almost every women has faked orgasm.”

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J. Collins,
Lucky
(Pocket, 1986), 344, 352.

Chapter 3

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W. Brinkley,
The Last Ship
(Ballantine, 1988), 452–453.

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Carol Ellison, “Intimacy-based Sex Therapy,” in W. Eicher & G. Kockott (eds.),
Sexology
(Springer-Verlag, 1988), 234–238.

“women were given permission and encouragement …”
See, for example, L. Barbach,
For Yourself
(Doubleday, 1975).

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M. Brenton,
Sex Talk
(Stein & Day, 1972), 61–62.

Chapter 4

“The producers of these films …”
Not only do they use the largest penises they can find, they also give them some help. E. McCormack, “Maximum Tumescence in Repose,”
Rolling Stone
(Oct. 9, 1975), 56–71.

“The parts and how they work …”
A useful book is J. Gilbaugh,
A Doctor’s Guide to Mens Private Parts
(Crown, 1989).

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W. Masters & V. Johnson,
Human Sexual Response
(Little, Brown, 1966). Much of our current understanding of sexual anatomy and physiology stems from this important work. The sexual response cycle is another matter entirely. See L. Tiefer’s devastating critique, “Historical, Scientific, Clinical and Feminist Criticisms of ‘The Human Sexual Response Cycle Model,’ in J. Bancroft (ed.),
Annual Review of Sex Research
, vol. 2 (Society for the Scientific Study of Sex, 1991), 1–23.

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A. Kinsey et al.,
Sexual Behavior in the Human Female
(W. B. Saunders, 1953), 594.

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Masters and Johnson discuss the sense of ejaculatory inevitability in various places in
Human Sexual Response
.

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For men raped by women, see R Sarrel & W. Masters, “Sexual Molestation of Men by
Women
,”
Archives of Sexual Behavior
, 1982, 11, 117–132.

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Two good books for laypeople on the medical aspects of erection problems, as well as medical treatment options, are R. Berger & D. Berger,
BioPotency
(Rodale, 1987), and I. Goldstein & L. Rothstein,
The Patient Male
(The Body Press, 1990). R. Berger and Goldstein are prominent urologists.

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Performance anxiety, now almost a household term, is a relatively new concept in sexology. It was first used by the founder of behavior therapy, J. Wolpe, in
Psychotherapy by Reciprocal Inhibition
(Stanford, 1958), and later popularized by Masters & Johnson,
Human Sexual Inadequacy
(Little, Brown, 1970).

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L. Schover, personal communication.

Chapter 5

“Similar nonsense was promoted …”
I have relied heavily on two excellent sources, from which come all the quotes. R. Deutsch,
The New Nuts Among the Berries
(Bull, 1977), and J. Money,
The Destroying Angel
(Pantheon, 1985).

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On the efforts to prevent masturbation, see A. Comfort,
The Anxiety Makers
(Delta, 1967), an excellent historical survey.

“one-third of births in colonial America …”
J. D’Emilio & E. Freedman,
Intimate Matters
(Harper, 1988), 22–23. This work is probably the best history of sex in America.

“A majority of boys …”
“Sexual Behavior Among High School Students” CDC,
MMWR
, Jan. 1, 1992, 885–888.

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On the incidence of oral and anal sex, see M. Hunt,
Sexual Behavior in the 1970s
(
Playboy
, 1974), 198–200.

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J. Brown,
Out of Bounds
(Zebra, 1990), 205.

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S. Carter & J. Sokol,
What Really Happens in Bed
(Evans, 1989), 310.

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S. Hite,
The Hite Report on Male Sexuality
(Macmillan, 1976), 340–358.

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I. Spector & M. Casey, “Incidence and Prevalence of Sexual Dysfunctions,”
Archives of Sexual Behavior
, 1990, 19, 389–408.