The Outlaw Takes A Bride (The Burnett Brides) (25 page)

Tanner threw out the bowl of dirty water. He guessed he did owe Tucker an apology. But the oddest thing was, he really didn’t want to leave. Somehow tonight, sitting here with Travis and even fighting with Tucker, had made him feel as if he’d come home.

It was the damnedest thing, but suddenly he knew this was where he was meant to be, where he belonged and he didn’t want to leave.

Still, there was the situation with Beth and Tucker. How much longer could he watch the two of them, without saying something? How much longer could he keep his hands off his brother’s intended?

***

Beth lay curled up in a ball in the middle of the bed, facing the window. The sliver of the moon peeked in through the glass panes, and she watched as die breeze lifted the curtains in the open window.

She couldn’t sleep. Tonight’s events had left her restless and worried as she’d watched Tanner and Tucker— and compared the two men without intending to. And now sleep was as distant as the Georgia shoreline from the Texas plains.

The party had broken up sometime after midnight, and even now a group of people were camped out on the edge of the front yard, sleeping in their wagons, waiting for dawn to take them home.

She’d had a good time until Tanner had announced he would soon be leaving. Though she knew she shouldn’t be thinking about him, he refused to disappear from her mind. She kept telling herself it would be for the best if he were gone. She could concentrate on Tucker and try to forget the way Tanner made her feel.

But her mind refused to let him go. She should be glad; instead she only felt miserable.

That one night in his arms had made her feel things she’d never thought were possible. She hadn’t planned on experiencing passion, she’d never dreamed of feeling complete, of being totally satisfied, after a man’s possession of her body.

She’d planned only on getting married to a faceless man whom she’d never met, with no passion, no excitement, nothing but the security he could provide her. Now Tanner had completely ruined her safe situation, engaging emotions she had never believed in until he came into her life.

The thought of sharing a bed with Tucker was not what she had anticipated, and she could only blame that on Tanner. If he had not shown her passion, she wouldn’t be missing it now. She wouldn’t have expectations that she feared Tucker could never fulfill or desire feelings for the man she was to marry that were not possible.

If she had met Tucker first and he had awakened her passion, they might have had a congenial marriage. Beth didn’t know, but she wasn’t drawn to Tucker as she was to Tanner; there was no urgency to be near him, no restlessness when he was around.

Only with Tanner did she have such feelings, and they were wrong. Tanner was not her intended; he was not the man she was going to marry; she’d already experienced being with him in the flesh.

She sighed. Tucker wanted a wife, a mother for his children. She was going to be that woman, that person who would be by his side, caring for his children, taking care of his home. She would be all that and nothing more.

But suddenly the thought of spending the rest of her life with a man she didn’t have at least some feelings for seemed so cold, so lonely. She sighed and rolled over, punching her pillow.

She was crazy to even think these thoughts. Her life, her very livelihood, depended on her marrying. For if she didn’t, she would be forced to find a job, and they were few and far between for a woman like herself.

This was not how she’d imagined her life when she’d left Georgia; it was not what she’d expected. But now the thought of marriage to a man who didn’t love her, didn’t want her or even desire her, seemed so cold. But, that was exactly what she’d expected when she’d left her home behind.

Tucker had not been the most attentive suitor tonight. In fact, since she had arrived she’d never felt any sense of personal closeness from him. But she kept reminding herself that she shouldn’t expect any tender emotions from him. They were just marrying because it was convenient to each of them. So why was she suddenly having trouble accepting the way they felt about one another?

Because his kiss, compared to Tanner’s, left her unexcited. Because when he’d put his lips to hers this evening while they were dancing, she’d felt absolutely nothing.

And the worst part: He was a perfectly nice man who probably had turned the heads of many women tonight. But for Beth there was nothing but the feel of his lips against hers, two body parts rubbing against one another that had failed to create any sort of pleasure. And somehow Beth felt as if she were the one at fault.

Though it was summer, she shivered and tugged the covers up higher.

Why had she expected to feel anything? Their relationship was based on an agreement, nothing emotional or physical, just a few letters they had exchanged an ad placed in the paper she had responded to in the hopes that marrying would solve her financial situation.

God she was so tired of everything in life, of it being so difficult and of the many choices that seemed so irreversible.

Tanner was leaving soon, and Tucker’s kisses had failed to move her. What had she done? Promised herself to a man when all she really wanted was his brother.

***

A heavy morning mist hung over the cemetery like a blanket, covering the headstones. It was early, first light to be exact, but Tanner had walked up the small hill to pay his respects to the man buried there.

It wasn’t as if he believed he was actually there on the plot of land, but it was the only place he felt comfortable in talking to a dead man, even though the man had been his father.

He found the grave among other friends and family who were buried in the small cemetery. Vines grew thick covering the graves, shielding them from the hot Texas sun.

Gazing at the date chiseled on the marker, a sense of futility overwhelmed him. The years had sped by, and his father had been dead for over two years. Tanner could have come home and seen him, could have been reunited with his family. But he had let his fear and shame, not to mention his stubborn pride, keep him away from the people who loved him. He had refused to face his father and admit that he had been right; there was nothing heroic about killing. War was hell.

The sun peeked over the eastern horizon, casting its rays on the layers of mist, chasing them away like ghostly wood nymphs. Soon the heat from the sun would clear the haze away, but the graves would remain protected by the tall oaks and the entwining vines.

His hat was in his hands as he stared at the tombstone, the words he so badly needed to say lodged in his throat. Even though his father was dead, it was so terribly hard to admit that he’d made a huge mistake and had paid dearly with the complications in his life.

He cleared his throat. “Hi, Papa. I’ve come home.”

Only the sound of the wind answered him as a breeze blew through the leaves of the oak trees. “I’m sorry I didn’t come earlier, when you were still alive. Guess I didn’t think you’d want to see me.” He lifted his eyes to the trees above and swallowed hard. “Guess I thought you’d always be here.”

A bird began to trill a song in a nearby oak, and for a moment Tanner was tempted to walk away. This was crazy, talking to a tombstone. Someone would think he’d gone absolutely mad if they saw or heard him.

But he didn’t leave. He simply stood there, listening to the wind stirring on the hillside. “You know, Papa, sometimes it’s hard to admit when we’re wrong, when we’ve made a mistake.”

His throat clogged up with tears as he thought of the morning he and Carter snuck off to go to war. So much like this morning, when he was considering leaving again. “You were right about the war, Papa. It was hell. There was nothing heroic about killing men like myself and watching people you know die.”

A tear splashed on his hand, and he raised his eyes to the sky, hoping it was rain he felt falling on his cheeks. But the blue sky shone brightly on him as he glanced up.

“It’s just me now. Carter—he didn’t come home with me. War can do so many things to your mind, to your soul. You tried to warn me, but I refused to listen.” Tanner dropped to one knee beside the grave and hung his head. His shoulders shook as he let the tears roll down his cheeks. “You see, I should be there with you, and Carter should be here. He was the brave one, the decent one, and now he’s gone.”

The wet ground penetrated his clothing, but he didn’t care. He barely felt the moisture. “It was my fault, Papa. Carter wouldn’t have died if it hadn’t been for me.”

Tanner stared at the stone marker and wished it were gone and that his father were here, giving him hell for the things he’d done since he left home so many years ago. Instead, a squirrel scampered across the graves and up the nearest tree, where it chattered at Tanner as if he were an intruder.

And he was.

Death had claimed this land, and regardless of how much Tanner wished he were dead, he was still a very living, breathing human being.

He swallowed his tears and took a deep breath. “I never meant to hurt you and Mother. I just didn’t feel like you would want me to come home after the way I left. I assumed you would think I was dead. But Mother says she’s been waiting years for my return. And Travis and Tucker have welcomed me back. It’s as if they were happy to see me.”

Tears rolled unbidden down his cheeks. He twisted his hat in his hands. “I wonder if you would have welcomed me home. Mother tells me you looked for me; she said you died awaiting my return. I should have come home earlier. I’m sorry, Papa.”

He sighed. “My life is not something I’m proud of. I’ve done a lot of things I regret. Now I’m home, but I’m afraid my past is going to catch up with me. I don’t want to go, but I feel like I should keep on the move.”

He paused. “I’m tired of fighting and running. I’m tired of always looking over my shoulder.”

Tanner stood and swiped the dreaded tears from his face. He hadn’t cried since Carter died.

He walked around the edge of the grave and picked a fallen leaf off the gray weathered stone. “What do I do, Papa, leave again or stay and take a chance on my past catching up with me? Do I stay and watch Tucker marry Beth, wishing it were me?”

The wind picked up in the trees, rustling the leaves, disturbing the stillness, vanishing the last of the early- morning mist. Tanner glanced down below and saw the family gathering on the porch. Even from here Beth’s auburn hair shone like a beacon. Could he watch his brother make her his wife?

The time to decide had come. And suddenly he knew what he wanted to do.

Tanner was going to stay and take a chance that someone from his past would find him. Suddenly, he didn’t care if they found him. His family had welcomed him home, he’d found acceptance and love within their welcome embrace, and he wanted to remain here with them as long as possible.

Their love had given him more peace than he’d felt for many years, and he wasn’t ready to leave again. But staying would mean he would have to accept the fact that Tucker and Beth would be married. Beth belonged to his brother and regardless of how hard giving her up would be, he would do the honorable thing and not interfere in their relationship.

But he would have to learn to live with the knowledge that he’d slept with his brother’s fiancée. No matter what happened between Beth and Tucker, he had come home and found his family once again.

Tanner put his hat on his head. “Good-bye, Papa.”

***

Beth watched as Tanner walked from the cemetery on the hill toward the house. Suddenly, she knew the moment was upon them to say good-bye, and she didn’t know if she could do it without crying.

He was leaving. And she couldn’t stand the thought of saying good-bye. She wanted to go back into the house, but they were loading up the wagon to attend church this morning. If she ran back into the house, it was going to look suspicious.

Tucker took her hand and helped her into the wagon. He’d spent the night at the ranch instead of returning to town. Several of the guests from last night’s party were loading up their wagons also, with the intention of following them into town and on to church. But first they had to say goodbye to Tanner.

She stared at him walking across the open yard, memorizing every detail, every nuance: the swagger to his walk, the way his brown eyes looked, the way he wore his hat low on his forehead, the dark stubble of his beard.

Travis helped Rose up into the wagon just as Tanner reached the house. “Guess you’ll be leaving this morning,” Travis said.

Beth held her breath as Tanner glanced at his older brother, a bemused expression on his face. “Not yet. I’ve decided to stay a little longer, that is if you can put up with me the way I am and if Tucker doesn’t mind me staying.”

Beth released a sigh of relief. He was staying, and her heart felt as if it were going to pound out of her chest. Part of her was relieved, and part of her was anxious. If he stayed, there could never be anything between them, but she didn’t want him to go.

Rose glanced at her sharply. “You okay?”

“I’m fine,” she lied, feeling relieved.

Tucker smiled at Tanner. “As long as you don’t decide to try to kick my ass again.”

Tanner grinned sheepishly, shrugged, and glanced at Beth. “Not anytime soon.”