The Pirates! (13 page)

‘How about something involving semaphore?' said the sassy pirate.

‘Does anybody actually know semaphore?' said Jennifer.

Everybody went quiet again.

‘It's no good,' said the scarf-wearing pirate, sticking out his lower lip and doodling a little picture of a sad manta ray. ‘If the Captain can't come up with a way of catching the whale, then what chance have we got? None of us is as clever as the Captain.'

Even the pirate in red, who normally would have come out with some pithy and sarcastic comment, just nodded in agreement.

‘What we need is help,' said Jennifer, ‘from somebody just as smart as the Pirate Captain.'

The pirates looked at her dubiously.

‘Somebody who's always got a plan. Somebody who is both cunning and ingenious.'

‘No!' said the pirate with a scarf, suddenly catching her drift.

‘Somebody with a beard that goes all the way up to his eyeballs,' said Jennifer.

‘She can't mean!'

‘She does!'

‘The Pirate Captain will go mad!'

‘He's already gone mad,' pointed out Jennifer. ‘That's the whole problem.'

The pirates still looked unconvinced.

‘I know it's a bit of a risk,' said Jennifer, ‘but I for one can't spend another night listening to any more poems with titles like “The Screaming Face of Desolation”.'

The
Barbary Hen
lay anchored in a beautiful tropical bay that looked like something from a postcard or an expensive jigsaw puzzle. As the
Lovely Emma
pulled up alongside, the pirates could see some of Black Bellamy's crew playing on the beach and splashing about in the sea. The infamous captain seemed to have been recruiting, because there were a number of women in bikinis whom the pirates didn't recognise from their previous encounters.

Black Bellamy himself was reclining in a hammock on the deck, drinking grog out of a coconut and talking to a blonde and a brunette. He must have been telling some pretty funny jokes, because the women were laughing at almost everything he said. Seeing the
Lovely Emma
, he waved languidly.

‘Hello pirates!' he roared.

‘Hello Black Bellamy!' shouted Jennifer. ‘Could we have a word?'

‘Dear lady! Of course, come aboard,' Black Bellamy shouted back. ‘I may be the most diabolical pirate on the Seven Seas, but there's always a welcome on the
Barbary Hen
for a beautiful woman.'

The blonde and the brunette jumped up and placed a gangplank between the two boats, and then wandered off in a leggy way. Black Bellamy bounded from his hammock and helped Jennifer across. ‘
Enchanté
,' he said in French, kissing her hand.

‘I hope we're not disturbing anything?' said Jennifer.

‘Not at all, not at all. We're just taking a bit of shore leave after the Vegas run. Maxing and relaxing, that kind of thing,' said Black Bellamy, looking across at the
Lovely Emma.
‘It really is a nice boat you've got there, you know. Puts the
Barbary Hen
to shame. Tell me – was it the Pirate Captain's idea to put all those bits of squid in the rigging? And wrap that dead eel around the bow?'

‘Um, sort of. Actually, Mister Bellamy, it's the Pirate Captain I need to talk to you about,' said Jennifer. ‘He's gone a bit loopy.'

‘Oh good grief! My poor old friend!' said Black Bellamy, putting his hand to his brow in horror. ‘Well, we must discuss this properly. Over dinner. Come into my office and we'll talk all about it.'

Black Bellamy took Jennifer's hand and led her downstairs to his office. He opened the door with a flourish and waved her in. Nobody had held a door open for Jennifer since she'd left Victorian London.
²⁸
She was very impressed. Black Bellamy had somehow managed to combine lavish ostentation with aesthetic restraint. The furniture was pretty classy stuff like chaise-longues and glass coffee tables, and Jennifer noticed several oil paintings that were of an even better quality than the ones in the Pirate Captain's office. There was Black Bellamy with his arm round the Emperor Ninko of Japan. And there he was with the eighteen-year-old
Isabella II of Spain, holding up fish and fishing rods by a river – this one was signed ‘With love to my main pirate, Izzi XXX'. There was a well-stocked trophy cabinet against one wall, with a couple of ‘Beard Wearer of the Year' awards, and on the opposite wall he had a display case marked ‘Rare Bird Eggs', full of dozens and dozens of peregrine falcon eggs. The whole room was suffused by the faint smell of seaweed.

Jennifer spotted a photograph of Black Bellamy's class from pirate academy sitting on his desk. She was surprised to see that even as a young pirate his beard went right up to his eyeballs. More surprising still was who was stood next to him. It was the Pirate Captain. His belly was perhaps a little less impressive, and he didn't have quite so many gold teeth, but it was definitely him.

‘I didn't realise you'd known the Pirate Captain so long!' exclaimed Jennifer.

‘Oh yes, we go way back,' said Black Bellamy, handing her a glass of rum. ‘I think you'll find this a passable vintage. I'm told 1812 was a good year for grog.'

‘So you were at school together?' asked Jennifer, her curiosity piqued.

‘We were even roommates for a while. We were like
that
!' said Black Bellamy, crossing his fingers.

‘But the Pirate Captain's always saying that you're his arch-nemesis and you don't miss an opportunity to mess him about, and that you're diabolical beyond measure,' said Jennifer.

‘It's just banter, Jennifer. He's an old rogue!' replied Black Bellamy with a laugh.

Two of Black Bellamy's pirates brought in a selection of oysters and some other fancy shellfish.

‘But enough about me,' said Black Bellamy, ‘let's talk about you. How can I help
you
?'

‘It's not me, Mister Bellamy … it's the Captain. He's got himself all wound up about catching this whale. He's not himself.'

‘Poor Pirate Captain. You've got really nice earrings, by the way. Nice and sparkly.'

‘Thanks, that's very kind. So have you. But – uh – like I was saying. The Pirate Captain. He's not even
eating
properly.'

‘Yes, yes. Sorry to hear that – you're quite a distraction, you know,' said Black Bellamy.

‘The thing is, we've tried to catch the whale to cheer him up, but we don't really know where to start. They're slippery creatures, these whales.'

‘I can imagine. Now, you're a Gemini, aren't you?'

‘Oh no, I'm a Leo.'

‘I knew it! I can always tell. Your fiery lips give you away.'

‘Really? You do say some things, Mister Bellamy.'

Black Bellamy leaned back in his chair, which served to show off his expansively hairy chest. He dabbed at his temple with a napkin. ‘Is it just me, or is it rather hot in here?' he said.

‘It is quite warm, yes.'

‘Feel free to take a few of those layers off if you're uncomfortable.'

As the meal wore on, Jennifer began to think that Black Bellamy wasn't quite the villain she had been led to believe. He was certainly courteous, always leaning forward eagerly when she
tried to reach a dish, or complimenting her on the way she held a fork. He was a good listener too, ever-ready with a compliment and extremely interested in her life and dress sizes. Admittedly, he was surprisingly clumsy – she lost count of the number of times he accidentally knocked the pepperpot to the floor and she had to bend over to pick it up. But really he wasn't such a bad sort at all.

‘… and that's how I nursed that little kitten back to health,' said Black Bellamy at the end of a story. He cradled his hairy chin in his hand and looked thoughtfully into Jennifer's eyes.

‘How wonderful,' said Jennifer, clapping. ‘That's very similar to a story that the Pirate Captain tells about a kitten. Oh! The Pirate Captain! I'd almost forgotten why I was here!'

Black Bellamy muttered something under his breath.

‘So can you help? Can you?'

Black Bellamy puffed out his cheeks. ‘I'm very flattered you should ask. But what makes you think that I might succeed where such a
clever young woman has failed? I'm just an unassuming pirate trying to make his way in the world like everybody else.'

‘Oh no! Everybody knows how clever you are!'

‘Oh
don't
! Really? What do they say?'

‘The men are always saying how you're “confounded clever” and how your “cunning is surpassed only by the devil himself”. Someone called you an evil genius!'

‘I really can't believe that,' said Black Bellamy. Jennifer thought he was probably blushing underneath all that beard. ‘Besides, I'd like to think I'm more of a “jovial nuisance” than an “evil genius”. But this whale business – I'll see what I can do. When a lovely lady like yourself comes to ask, I can hardly refuse, can I?'

‘Oh wow! Thanks Black Bellamy!' Jennifer leapt up and kissed him on the forehead. Then she held up her glass of grog. ‘Let's drink to friendship!'

‘Friendship! And ladies' faces!' roared Black Bellamy.

When Jennifer and Black Bellamy reappeared on the deck of the
Barbary Hen
they both waved at the pirates anxiously waiting on the
Lovely Emma
.

‘He's going to help!' she said, hugging Black Bellamy. She ignored the immature pirates who went ‘woooooo!' when they saw the hug.

‘Thanks, Black Bellamy!' said the scarf-wearing pirate, helping Jennifer back across the plank. ‘We won't forget this in a hurry!'

‘It's nothing,' shouted Black Bellamy, as the
Barbary Hen
began to sail off. ‘It's just so awful to hear that the Pirate Captain has gone a bit mental. When I think of his poor little mad face, I feel quite emotional.'

The pirates barely had time to get even halfway through an exciting game of Scrabble before the
Barbary Hen
sailed back into view. They all crowded around the boat's telescope and fought to see what was going on.

‘He's back already!' said the albino pirate.

‘He can't be!' said the pirate in red.

‘He is! I don't believe it! And he's got the whale!' exclaimed the pirate with a scarf.

As the
Barbary Hen
came closer they could see Black Bellamy leaning nonchalantly on the ship's wheel, steering with one hand and examining the nails of his other. And there behind him, sat right in the middle of the deck, was a gigantic white whale strapped down by hefty nautical ropes. The whale flapped its tail and a steaming jet of spray erupted from its blowhole, catching the sunlight in a rainbow haze. It was an impressive-looking creature, thought the pirate with a scarf. He remembered how Charles Darwin, the young naturalist they had encountered on their previous adventure, had told him that if you got yourself twelve sets of pirate lungs and then stitched them all together, disgusting though it would be, they would still have just half the lung capacity of one of a whale's lungs. That wasn't the kind of statistic to be taken lightly.