The Pirates! (16 page)

Figure 1
Gigantic tail
Colossal flipper
Flirtatious mouth
Spray from the blowhole
The gentle echo of whale song

Figure 2
The banner from the Las Vegas show
The Captain's duvet put out to air
Dead eel wrapped around the bow
Burst waterpipe
A moaning leper

‘The beast thinks our boat is a lady whale!' he cried.

There was a terrible creaking noise, and the
Lovely Emma
lurched this way and that.

‘I don't think the boat is enjoying it all that much,' said the pirate with a scarf.

‘But why would the man whale want to squash a lady whale like that?' asked the albino pirate. The Pirate Captain didn't think now was the moment to explain, because a horrifying thought suddenly flashed into his magnificent head: the Prize Ham was still nailed to the
Lovely Emma
's mast.

‘My ham! My beautiful ham!' roared the Pirate Captain. And before he had really thought things through, he found himself charging towards the
Lovely Emma
in a panic.

‘What on earth is the fellow doing?' said Ahab, as the Captain streaked towards the boat.

‘He's decided to show that whale who's boss!' exclaimed Jennifer. ‘Yay! Go Pirate Captain!'

‘Shouldn't you be doing that too, Mister Ahab?' said the pirate with long legs. ‘Because of all of the cold-revenge-soothing-the-soul business?'

Ahab looked at the terrible gaping maw of the whale, and at its appalling chomping teeth. ‘For some reason,' he said, ‘upon seeing the beast, I do not find myself so inclined.'

‘Is your Captain always like this?' asked Cutlass Liz, shaking her head in disbelief.

‘Oh yes,' said the pirate in green confidently. ‘He's very brave. He once took on the entire Royal Navy single-handed, whilst we were all asleep. They boarded us in the dead of night and stole our last few bottles of grog, and then the Pirate Captain fought them off but he was too late to save the grog. We didn't even know a thing about it until the next morning when we realised the grog was gone and he explained what had happened to us over breakfast. The whole fight had given him a terrible headache.'

About fifteen feet from the jetty, the Pirate Captain began to appreciate just how massive the white whale was. He himself was rightly famed across the Seven Seas for being able to fit an entire pork chop in his mouth, but the beast in whose shadow all the pirates now cowered looked as if it could fit an entire field of cows in its mouth all in one go, and maybe still have room to spare. Wondering just how wise it would be to interrupt something so gigantic
right in the middle of it getting busy
³¹
– even for a cause as noble as saving his ham – the Pirate Captain reconsidered and did his best to try skidding to a halt, but the cobblestones were even more slippery now, and instead of stopping, the Captain simply went sliding right off the side of the dock and into the cold sea with a plaintive ‘plop'.

‘Oh no,' said the pirate with a scarf, looking on distraught. ‘I can't bear to look.'

The monstrous whale went on bouncing up and down on the boat. The onlookers gazed apprehensively at the churning sea, but there was no sign of the Captain.

‘Arrrr,' muttered Ahab broodingly into the middle distance. ‘That was a brave way to go.
The good Captain must have known his was a path that could end only with the hangman's noose, or the murky depths of the ocean. Yet he paid it no mind! To risk everything in the pursuit of liberty and pleasure without constraint. Isn't that the very reason why he chose the life of a pirate?'

‘Not really,' said the albino pirate, fighting back the tears. ‘I think it was more just something to do.'

The water in the harbour was very dark. Not for the first time it occurred to the Pirate Captain that, given his line of work, he really should have learnt to swim by now. At one point he had actually spent entire adventures wearing armbands just in case this kind of situation cropped up, but somehow it never really struck the right bloodthirsty note. He flapped his arms uselessly for a while and then started to sink like a brick. A piece of seaweed got tangled up in his beard, and a little shoal of fish bobbed past his face. He was trying to decide if he would prefer ‘
A man like no other'
or
‘He was a true original'
as
the inscription on his gravestone, when he felt himself rush up through the water, break the surface, and fly through the air in a burst of spray. The white whale had waggled its great tail and flipped the Pirate Captain as if he were nothing more than a soggy pinball. He described a perfect piratical arc before coming thumping down onto the deck of the
Lovely Emma.
The Captain sat there for a moment, shook the kelp from his beard and looked about him in a daze.

‘He's back!' cheered the pirate in green.

‘And he's not even hurrying,' said the pirate with a hook for a hand. ‘I'd like to see Black Bellamy stay that nonchalant when his boat was being attacked by the biggest whale in the world.'

As the Pirate Captain's vision cleared, he saw that he had landed right next to the mast where his Prize Ham was still nailed. He staggered to his feet, pulled out the nail, grabbed the ham in both arms and gave it a big hug. ‘I'll never leave you alone again,' he promised in a hoarse whisper. The whale chose this touching moment to
do a particularly energetic belly-flop onto the
Lovely Emma'
s aft, which sent her lurching sharply. The Pirate Captain hooked one arm around the mast and wondered what to do. He considered punching the whale on the nose, because he recalled something about that being their weak spot. But then he remembered how that might be sharks rather than whales. And also that it was probably apocryphal anyway. And of course whales don't really have noses.

The whale went on writhing about, half on the ship and half off. Its great twisted mouth was clashing and biting alarmingly close to the Pirate Captain now, and he swore he caught a glimpse of the remains of Ahab's leg trapped in one of the sharp molars. The creature snapped its jaws shut barely inches from where he was standing, and the Pirate Captain let out a terrified shriek and leapt into the air. He landed with a squelch on the whale's eyelid and clung on for dear life.

‘Did you hear that high-pitched roar of defiance as he jumped onto its face?' said Jennifer.

‘That,' said Ahab, ‘is the most courageous man I ever saw.'

With a loud and slightly obscene groan, the beast started to slide back into the water. The Pirate Captain realised that his only chance now was to try and scale the fish's face and leap across the dock. He scrambled desperately against its rubbery flesh, hauling himself up inch by inch, but just as he was scrabbling for a handhold on the whale's furrowed brow, his shiny pirate boot skated across its skin and let out a horrendous squeak. It was a lot like when someone does that trick of scraping their nails down a blackboard. The Pirate Captain's sensitive teeth were so set on edge by this that he clamped his hands to his ears, and in the process dropped his Prize Ham. It bounced away down the whale's back.

‘Hell's bells!' exclaimed the Pirate Captain, sprinting along the top of the whale in pursuit. For one moment he thought he had it, but the ham flipped through the air and, with a sudden
sucking
sound, bounced straight into the whale's blowhole. The Captain knelt down and desperately tried to wiggle it free, but the thing was stuck fast.

‘Come on, Pirate Captain!' cheered the watching pirates. ‘This is no time for a snack. Give that whale a smack!'

As the Pirate Captain strained at the ham, the whale began to spasm and buck about in the water. Its tail thrashed wildly up and down. Its flippers windmilled in the air uselessly. Then an ear-splitting moan erupted from its mouth and the whale rolled from the sinking boat onto the dock, shuddering one last terrible death spasm before lying still on the cobbles.

The Pirate Captain slid down its cheek and landed in front of the crowd of pirates and onlookers. They all started clapping, so he did a little bow.

‘That was brilliant!' said the pirate with a scarf.

‘You've killed the white whale!' exclaimed Ahab.

‘How did you know what to do, Captain?' said the albino pirate.

‘Aaarrrr,' said the Captain, emptying some seawater from his hat. ‘Well. As I may have pointed out before, I'm not a
complete
idiot, you know.'

The crowd all looked at him expectantly. The Pirate Captain thought for a bit and then put on an authoritative tone of voice. ‘Any seafaring type knows that the blowhole of the whale is essential for expelling whale wee. It was clear to me that if I could block the blowhole, the whale's bladder would swell up and explode.'

‘And the way you made it look like you were really quite hapless whilst you were doing it,' said Cutlass Liz, with a playful slap of his shoulder, ‘so that the whale wouldn't cotton on to your clever plan. Genius, Captain.'

‘
That
was the beast who ate my leg,' said Ahab, pointing to the dead whale.

‘Arrrr. This probably looks bad,' said the Captain apologetically, ‘but I can explain.'

Ahab wasn't listening. ‘I am afraid, Pirate Captain, that you have been had. This creature,' and he pointed at the pirates' fake whale, ‘has been masquerading as the real villain, even though he is innocent of the crime.'

Ahab turned to the pirate/whale.

‘I can only guess at what motivations led you to try and take the blame for that brute's actions,
but it was a noble thing to do. Misguided though you were, I think that shows real strength of character. It may be that I have misjudged you whales after all.' And for the first time that any of the pirates had witnessed, Ahab cracked a smile. He patted the whale on the side of its gigantic face.

‘In fact,' he continued, ‘I'd like it very much if you'd be a guest at my home. I'm a famous curmudgeon, but underneath it all I'm really quite lonely, and it would be nice to have some company about the place.'

‘Um. All right then,' said the pirate/whale.

Everybody cheered this happy outcome, and something of a carnival atmosphere broke out amongst the pirates. Ahab turned back to the Pirate Captain. He handed him a bulging bag of doubloons. ‘Your reward, sir. You've earned it.'

The Pirate Captain looked at the doubloons wistfully for a moment, and then threw them over to Cutlass Liz. He watched the last bit of the
Lovely Emma
sink beneath the waves and heaved a forlorn sigh.

‘Don't look so upset, Pirate Captain!' said
Cutlass Liz, putting a consoling arm around his shoulder. ‘You can always buy a new boat.'

The Pirate Captain shook his head. ‘I haven't got so much as two pieces of eight to rub together.'

‘You must have something?' said Cutlass Liz encouragingly.

‘The ultimate treasure?'

‘Is that one of those richer-in-spirit things about wet butterflies?'

‘Something along those lines.'

‘Not really my thing, I'm afraid. Come on, what's in those voluminous pockets of yours?'

The Pirate Captain emptied his pockets onto the top of a barrel. ‘I've got a chocolate groat with fluff on it, a “one child gets in free” voucher to see the lunatics at Bedlam, some seaweed, and an apple core. What kind of a boat can I get with that?'

‘I think I've got just the thing,' said Cutlass Liz with a grin.

Later that night, back in the familiar if ramshackle surroundings of their old pirate boat, the pirates were all lying on deck looking at the stars.

‘That constellation looks just like a tiny-headed horse who's swallowed a huge rectangle,' said the pirate in green.

‘Rubbish. It looks like a beautiful mermaid lady,' said the sassy pirate.

‘Oh, you think everything looks like a beautiful mermaid lady,' said the pirate with a scarf. The Pirate Captain stepped onto the deck wearing his dressing-gown and smoking a post-adventure cigar.