The Playmaker (Fire on Ice) (10 page)

“If I give you a letter, will you give it to her?”

“Of course.”

It was my only shot and I had to take it. I walked over to the nurses’ station and asked for a piece of paper and pen. I took a few minutes to write down what I was thinking and feeling then folded the note and handed it to Taylor’s dad.

“I’ll make sure she gets it.”

I wasn’t sure what to do next. A big part of me didn’t want to leave. Maybe I was hoping she’d change her mind.

“Will you let me know how she’s doing?” I asked.

“I can do that,” Mr. Thompson said.

We both stood there staring at each other.

“I guess I’ll go then.” I had to accept the fact that I wasn’t going to see Taylor. Not today anyway. But I wasn’t going to give up without a fight.

“Take care,” Mr. Thompson said as I turned to walk away.

I felt like my feet had turned to concrete. I just couldn’t bring myself to leave the hospital—to be away from Taylor.

I wanted her to need me.

But I had to respect her wishes, didn’t I? She had already been abused in the worst possible ways and I didn’t want to hurt her more than she
had been already.

I decided to give her the time and space she said she wanted. If she wanted me to play hockey for her, that’s what I’d do.

***

I texted Runt one word:
Beer
?

Twenty minutes later, we were sitting at O’Sullivan’s hoisting a few.

“I don’t know, Man,” Runt said. “I don’t know what I’d do if anyone hurt Shawna. Especially now that she’s pregnant. I’d probably kill him.”

I took a swig of my Guinness. “Believe me, I’ve thought about all the ways I’d love to torture that sick son-of-a-bitch. I wouldn’t kill him. I’d make him suffer.”

“Do you know if they’ve arrested him yet?” Runt asked.

I shook my head. “I don’t think so. I’m sure Taylor’s dad would have mentioned it.”

Runt took a big gulp of his beer. “Hey, remember when you bought Taylor all of those flowers and spent like a thousand dollars.”

“It wasn’t a thousand dollars but—yeah—I remember.”

“Maybe you need to do that.”

I shook my head. “I don’t think flowers are going to do it this time.” I wasn’t sure what would do it but I knew it wasn’t flowers.

“I just meant like a grand gesture. When I asked Shawna to marry me, I had them put the proposal on the Jumbotron in the arena. I wanted her to know I wasn’t playing around. That I was serious about marrying her.”

“Taylor’s in a hospital bed and her dad
is acting like a bodyguard. Not that I blame him. What kind of grand gesture can I possibly make?”

“Remember when I was in the hospital in first grade because I had the croup? I was bored out of my mind. The two of us were outdoor kids. We played in the streets from dawn till dusk and
most the time even after dark. But when I was in the hospital, all I could do was watch the stupid TV. The thing only got like five channels. She’s probably bored out of her mind watching the stupid TV. You should make a video and put it on her TV.”

“That is either the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard in my life or the most brilliant. I’m not sure which.”

“I’m going with brilliant.” Runt smiled.

“But how do I get her to turn the television to the right channel at the right time?”

Runt eyebrows creased. He looked deep in thought. Then he glanced over at me and said, “Why don’t you get that lady at the reception area to help you. The one you said was crazy about hockey. Or maybe she knows a nurse who is just as crazy about hockey.”

***

I spent the flight back to Seattle thinking about making a video and what I would say. It had to be something extraordinary. Something that would convince her I still loved her and nothing was going to change that. I also needed to figure out how I was going to get it on her television.

With a little internet research I found out that the university owned a television station that was broadcast in the hospital. I wondered if a donation to their hockey team would help buy me some air time.

Ten

T
aylor

I was holding the letter from Kian my father had given me, just holding it, when
Zelda
dashed into the room. She was always dashing everywhere. Nothing ever slowed her down. She had already apologized to me a million times. She was holding on to a tremendous amount of guilt that she hadn’t made it to walk me back to my place like she promised. And I told her a million times it wasn’t her fault. There was only one person to blame and that was the person who attacked me.

At least the swelling in my eyes had gone down and I was able to see clearly again. My head still ached and I felt nauseated. And my lip was still a little swollen. It felt fake like I was wearing one of those goofy mouthpieces kids use for
Halloween costumes. 

I
didn’t have the courage to read Kian’s letter yet. But just holding it in my hands, knowing he had held it too was comforting.

“You still haven’t read that thing?” my sister
asked as she plopped into the chair next to my bed.

I shook my head.

“Are you ever going to read?” She looked so carefree, and young, even though she was nearly two years older than me. I felt really old. Used up and discarded. I had worked so hard to feel good about myself again after the ordeal with Austin and now I felt like I was right back where I was three years ago. Or maybe ever further back. I was in a pit of despair so deep, I had no idea how I was going to get back out again.

“I just feel like holding it right now.” My voice sounded so hollow but it was an accurate symbol of how I felt inside. Like I had been completely gutted. Like there was nothing left of me but an empty shell.

A teardrop escaped down my sister’s cheek, which surprised me. She wasn’t one to cry. She always said she was too tough for that.

“I don’t want you to lose the one great thing in your life, Li
ttle One. I know how much that hockey player means to you.”

But how much would I still mean to him? I felt like part of me was damaged beyond repair. “He’s a professional athlete now. He doesn’t need me. He can have any girl in the world. Most of those guys date actresses and models. He definitely doesn’t have to settle for someone broken like me.”

My sister grabbed my free hand. “Why don’t you let him decide who he wants to be with? You haven’t even given him the choice.”

“I’ve given him
an out
, Zelda. I’m letting him off the hook. I don’t want him to stay with me because he feels sorry for me. I don’t want to be some charity case.”

“I think you’re making a mistake. You know how I feel about love. I think for most people it’s an illusion and a trap. But I have to say that I think the guy has real feeling
s for you. Dad said he was pretty broken up when you refused to see him.”

I pulled my hand away from my sister’s. “Look at me. It’s bad enough that my family has to see me like this. Do you really think I want Kian seeing me like this? I look like the Elephant Man.”

“
I am not an animal
,” my sister said doing an awful Elephant Man impression.

I tried to smile but my face hurt. “Ouch.” I placed my hand on my cheek. “Don’t make me laugh.”

“You don’t look like the Elephant Man, by the way. He had a protruding forehead and that growth on the side of his face. You have a swollen lip and two black eyes. You actually look like one of those lawsuit ads for botched plastic surgery.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

Zelda shrugged. “I try. I think my comic timing has been a little off lately.”

I sighed.

“What’s really going on, Taylor?”

“What if Kian decides he doesn’t want me anymore? What i
f he can’t handle—everything—that Blake did?”

“I think you need to give Kian a chance.”

“I don’t think I can handle being rejected. Not after everything else.”

My sister rubbed my arm. The gesture surprised me. My sister was not really a touchy-feely kind of person. “I don’t know how you feel. I have no idea what it’s like to be in your shoes. Life has thrown you some really terrible curve balls. You made it through the ordeal with Austin. I know you’re strong enough to make it through this, too. I just wish you’d consider giving Kian a chance. I think he’ll surprise you.”

“Fine, I’ll think about it. But I’m not making any promises.”

“Fair enough.”

“Why is my relationship with Kian suddenly so important to everyone? Even Dad. He didn’t seem to think very much of Kian before this happened.”

“Dad said Kian was absolutely devastated when you said you
wouldn’t see him. He told Dad he’d love you no matter what and Dad believed him.”

Maybe I was making a mistake. Maybe Kian wouldn’t reject me. But Blake’s awful words just kept echoing in my head:
he won’t want you once I’m done with you
.

Blake. As far as I knew
he was still out there. Still able to hurt me, or someone else.  “Have you heard anything more through the grapevine?” I didn’t have to add what we both already knew:
had she heard anything about Blake
?

She shook her head. “Everyone is distancing themselves from him. They know he’s been questioned by the police b
ut his parents have hired a hotshot criminal lawyer. Someone told me that he was thinking about flying out of the country, like South America or something, but I guess the cops advised him not to leave town.”

“I don’t know why they haven’t arrested him.”

My sister grabbed my hand again and the look in her eyes told me she was about to tell me something I didn’t want to hear. “Blake got some guys he knows to say they were with him all night the evening you were attacked. I have a feeling his parents paid a hefty sum to buy their alibis. I’m sorry.”

The tears streaming down my face burned the stitches in my lip when they landed. “They don’t believe me, do they? It’s
because I haven’t been able to remember everything they don’t believe anything.”

“I wouldn’t jump to that conclusion. I think they’re still i
nvestigating.”

I started to heave as the sobs began to overtake me. It ha
ppened a lot and I couldn’t control it. My body was just overwhelmed by the need to release the agony.

“That’s why—he—wore—gloves.” I managed to get out b
etween sobs. “No evidence. And—he used—a condom.”

“He’s a fucking psycho who doesn’t deserve to live but he isn’t stupid.”

I didn’t hold back. I cried until I felt like I’d let it all out. Although I knew it probably wasn’t
everything
. It would just be
everything for now
. I knew when I least expected it, another wave of anguish would overtake me and I’d start crying again.

“A trauma counselor is coming to see me tomorrow.”

My sister nodded. “That’s good. Maybe you should read the letter before you see the shrink. You can talk to her about it.”

“You know
shrink
is a derogatory term, especially when you have a sister who is planning to be a psychologist.”

“Yeah, but you’re not going to be the talking kind. You’re going to be the rat in the laboratory kind.”

“You certainly have a way with words.”

“I’m an actress. People give me words to say. I usually don’t have to come up with all of them on my own.”

“Fine. I’ll read the letter. Are you happy?”

“It’s a step in the right direction.”

***

A
fter they served what they called dinner, I had a few moments of quiet. I had a feeling that prisoners got better meals. I knew for a fact school children did. At least I did when I was a kid.

My parents and sister wouldn’t be back until visiting hours at seven, so I decided it was the right time to read Kian’s letter. I was still holding it. I hadn’t been able to let go of it
even taking it into the bathroom with me.

I took my time opening it. My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest, I was so nervous.
Inhaling as deeply as I could, I unfolded the paper.

I had never seen Kian’s handwriting before. People don’t write letters or notes anymore. Everyone emails, or texts or messages each other. I let my fingers outline the curves of his surprisingly lovely penmanship. I guess I didn’t expect Kian to have such beautiful handwriting. He was such a rough and tough guy. I expected his handwriting to reflect that. But it didn’t.
It
was delicate and soft.

I closed my eyes and took another breath. I had to get my heart rate under control and I wanted to mentally and emotiona
lly prepare myself for whatever was in the letter. When I opened my eyes, I began to read…

Dear Taylor- I’m trying very hard to understand why you don’t want to see me. I only want what is best for you, now and always, so if you don’t want to see me, I know I have to accept that. I only hope it’s
now
that you don’t want to see me and not
always
. Just so you know, I’m not sure I could handle always.

You are the one constant in my life. I always thought my one constant was hockey. But that was before I met you. I would give up hockey in a
heartbeat, no questions asked, if you’d agree to see me, even if it was just one last time.

I think about you when I wake up in the morning. And I think about you when I go to bed at night. In between, I think about you probably a million times throughout the day. I think about you sitting in class, taking notes, hopefully doodling my name in your notebook with little hearts, while the professor talks. At lunch time, I think about you sitting at The Twisted Mug, eating an avocado wrap and sipping on a peach smoothie. I think about the way your eyes always light up whenever you drink one of those damn smoothies. When one of the guys on the team does something to really piss me off, I think about your smile, and it immediately calms me down.

I can only imagine what you’re going through right now. I just want you to know, I’m here for you, if you want me. I’m always here for you. Always and forever. Nothing will ever change that. And nothing will ever change the way I feel about you.

I love you, Princess. You and only you. No one can ever take that away from you.

I wiped at the tears running down my face. I knew Zelda was right. I had to give Kian a chance. I just wasn’t sure I was ready.

But I could take baby steps.

I grabbed my phone from the nightstand and texted Kian a single sentence:
I read your letter
.