The Redneck Guide to Raisin' Children (2 page)

Weaning the Baby

Sooner or later, mothers have to uncouple their young'uns from their bosom.

If the kid keeps hanging on until it weighs upwards of fifty pounds, Mama's stretched breasts are going to take aim directly at her feet the rest of her life.

If you reach that point, even the Wonderbra saleswoman can't help. She'll just throw up her hands and send you to a body shop that custom-makes bras with steel-belted radial supports.

So get that young'un's mouth off your bosom as soon as you can. If he won't let go, run down to the volunteer fire department and have them pry him loose with the Jaws of Life. The next step is to put something else into your child's hungry little mouth.

Jars of baby food work fine. Mashed peas, pinto beans, and okra are popular in the redneck world. Finely ground hog jowls also will do, but they might upset a baby's delicate stomach.

We've found that most babies love cold milk with hot cornbread crumbled up in it—which is easy to eat when you ain't got all your teeth.

Maybe that's why rednecks of all ages love cornbread and milk.

Changing Rug Rats' Diapers

This is a dirty, thankless chore. That's why lots of redneck parents let their small tots run around naked from the waist down and let the chips fall where they may.

Keep your little'uns out in the nursery most of the time and eventually they'll set aside one corner to use as an outhouse. Then you can just go out with a pooper scooper and clean up once a day. This saves on diaper costs and diapering time.

You don't even have to buy diapers when company's coming. Just pin a dishcloth or snot rag over your baby's bottom and hope for the best.

Choosing a Baby-sitter

Go down to the pawn shop and pick out a good cheap VCR (the best ones have “12:00” flashing on the front). Then find a tape of
Smokey and the Bandit
—which is probably the best movie ever made.

You can sneak out of the house for hours while your kids are busy watching and rewatching that wonderful Burt Reynolds movie, which somehow was overlooked at Oscar time.

Last summer our neighbor Rufus McKinney put out a pile of Little Debbie cakes, turned on
Smokey,
and took his missus to Myrtle Beach—and their young'uns didn't realize they were gone until three days later when a storm knocked out the power.

Some rednecks use the regular TV to baby-sit their kids, but it's not as good as
Smokey
and the VCR. The quality of network TV has gone straight downhill ever since they took
The Gong Show
off the air.

Rednecks' Five Favorite Videos

1.
Smokey and the Bandit

2.
Smokey and the Bandit II

3.
Smokey and the Bandit III

4.
The Alamo
(John Wayne version)

5.
The Beverly Hillbillies: The Movie

Redneck Nannies

In good weather, make your littlest kids play outside in the yard. Tie a nanny goat nearby and warn the young'uns that if they're mean, the nanny will butt 'em on the butt. Tell the kids: “If your nanny says
‘bah-ah-ah-ah,'
you'd better straighten up fast—or you'll have to
stand
up for the next week!”

Once the young'uns are grown, you can eat the goat and mount its head on your den wall.

“Whut Air Ya Gonna Name the Kid?”

You'll hear this question from everybody you know as soon as word gets around town that you've added to your litter.

A lot of your friends will even hint for you to name your latest young'un after them, even though you're pretty sure they're not the father or mother.

It's real vital to pick the right name because, as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, the wrong name will scar a boy or girl for life. Listen to Johnny Cash's song “A Boy Named Sue” and you'll see what we're talking about.

We used to know a boy whose parents named him Leslie, after Leslie Howard in
Gone with the Wind,
and the kid spent years trying to overcome that sissy name.

When he reached his teen years, he became a rebel and tried his best to look tough and act mean.

He sent off a letter asking to join the Hell's Angels biker gang. Only problem was, the kid kinda fit his name—he was a bit, well, prissy—and the screening committee appointed by the Hell's Angels CEO rejected Leslie's application “with deepest regrets.”

Leslie went ahead with his biker plans anyway, on his own. He got a mean-looking dagger tattooed on his left forearm, with a banner wrapped around it that said Born to Raise Gerbils.

He bought an old '64 Harley-Davidson from Shorty Perkins. But Leslie had to take a door-to-door sales job to pay for the bike, and he looked kind of ridiculous roaring around town on his big hog with a little pink bumper sticker that said Ask Me about Mary Kay Cosmetics.

Leslie finally gave up fighting his name and moved to San Francisco. Last we heard, he owned a styling salon.

It broke his truck-driver daddy Sam's heart.

Sam had always dreamed of owning a styling salon.

So if you want to avoid heartache for yourself and your kids,
don't
slap a girlie-sounding name on your baby boy—or a boy-sounding name on your girl.

And shy away from giving your young'uns highfalutin names. A fancy moniker like Granville, Heathcliff, or Regan will get the kid laughed out of grade school. Even the teachers will have to stifle a snicker when they call the roll.

Besides, your kid probably won't be able to spell his own name until he's old enough to buy beer.

Middle Names

Many rednecks use their middle names as part of their first names—such as Roy Lee, Glen-Bob, or Sammi Jo. So pick a middle name your child will be proud to use.

Professor Harland K. Sampson has a good example of a bad middle name. For years the little perfessor told everybody the
K
stood for
Kounty
—as in Harlan County, Kentucky—but then we found out his middle name actually was Konan.

Professor Sampson's a shy, quiet bookworm. So once the truth came out, naturally his students nicknamed him Konan the Librarian.

Hollywood in the Backwoods

Never
name your boy or girl after a movie star, unless it's Burt, Sally, or Chuck. Star names might look wonderful and glamorous on a birth certificate, but you have to remember that the young'un will be stuck with the name for life.

Don't you think it's downright strange that five of today's top movie tough guys are named Sylvester, Arnold, Steven, Bruce, and Jean-Claude? With snicker-sparking names like that, no wonder they go around shooting people!

Instead, do like most redneck parents do: Pass along the same names from generation to generation to generation,
ad inflamation.

Traditional country boys' names usually end in a
y
—such as Billy, Andy, Tommy, or Jimmy.

And a popular way to end girls' names is with an
e
—such as Pauline, Annie, Charlene, or Aldie. But forget Goldie and Sophie.

If you want to get a little highfalutin, part the kid's first and middle names with a hyphen.

One of our longtime family favorites is Glen-Bob. Feel free to use it as many times as you like, at no charge.

But since the name belongs to the Smith clan, make sure your boy always writes it this way: Glen-Bob
®
.

Some people name their kids after towns. We've heard of little girls called Chamonix (France), Athens (Tennessee), and Tiffany (New York). We believe this practice can get risky.

What if some parents in our town named their little girl Chicken Neck?

As we all know, Sylvester Stallone's famous boxer, Rocky, was named after the Rocky Mountains. But most parents don't want their kids dragging a place's name around behind them all through life.

When Rufus McKinney's wife birthed their last daughter, the transplanted Yankee doctor who delivered her asked: “Have you chosen an appellation?” Rufus told him he wasn't about to name his kid after a mountain.

Rednecks' Five Favorite Names for Girls

1. Audrey

2. Annie

3. Earlene

4. Josie Mae

5. Polly

 

Rednecks' Five Favorite Names for Boys

1. Ray

2. Earl

3. Bobby

4. Walter

5. Sammy

The Significance of
Bubba

After redneck parents pick a formal name for their child, they always end up calling him or her by a nickname. But you've gotta be careful about that, too.

For example, don't nickname a little boy Bubba. In the South, Bubba is almost like a royal title bestowed on deserving people.

A boy's got to earn that name through heroic actions like carrying an old lady's refrigerator across the street or shooting up a jukebox.

And anybody named Bubba has got to be BIG.

Alan Autry—who plays hard-muscled, soft-hearted Sgt. Bubba Skinner on
In the Heat of the Night
—never would be allowed to use that name if he was playing a pencil-thin conniving cop. Outraged rednecks would picket the Sparta courthouse!

Don't nickname a boy Shorty either, unless you're pretty sure he'll never grow taller than three and a half feet.

And don't jokingly slap Shorty on a kid because his zipper is longer than his private part. The boy will turn bitter and grow up to be a criminal or President.

Shorty Perkins doesn't mind being called Shorty because he's really six feet tall. But we reckon he wouldn't be happy today if he'd been nicknamed Skinny because that name fits. He weighs only about 115 pounds soaking wet with a 10-pound security chain on his wallet.

We've seen our kids draw stick figures that looked fatter than Shorty Perkins. Better-lookin', too.

Dolls' Real Purpose

Most young parents think dolls are things to play with. But in redneck households, they're used mainly to teach little girls how to take care of their own kids one of these days.

Every girl should have six or more dolls. And you should make her wash, burp, dress, and fix meals for them on the hour—all through the night.

Don't buy your kids any fancy porcelain dolls. Get plastic or rag dolls such as Raggedy Anns so they can practice paddling without worrying about breaking the dolls.

What this world needs is dolls that do what real kids do. It would be great if you could give your girl a half dozen dolls that cry, scream, hold their breath, demand candy, sneak cigarettes, and slip out of the house at night to meet dolls of the opposite sex.

There ought to be “Baby Smart Mouth” dolls that contradict everything you say.

And somebody ought to put out a “Baby Chore Helper” doll. When you pull the string, the doll won't even lift a finger—then she'll run out the door as soon as your back is turned.

Until these hit the market, your kids will have to make do with regular store-bought dolls. Or they can make their own dolls out of cornstalks.

To do this, cut a thick four-inch-long piece of stalk for the body. Cut a thinner one-inch piece for the head. Then slice off five slivers of the stalk's hard shell and use them to make the doll's neck, arms, and legs. Next, stick on half-inch sections of stalk for the hands and feet.

Young'uns can even use cornstalks to make a pet dog or cat for their doll.

Dating outside the Family

Contrary to popular belief, most rednecks
don't
marry close relatives.

Why, half the couples we know ain't related by blood in any way.

Inbreeding leads to all kinds of problems. It can cause retarded kids, and a serious case of lead poisoning if your wife's backwoods family doesn't get along with you.

It can also cause some people to lose all common sense and vote Republican, according to a 1989 study by Professor Harland K. Sampson.
1

And there's one other problem: In some Southern states, even if you get divorced, you're still legally brother and sister. Which means you're still stuck with seeing your dratted husband or wife once a year at family reunions.

So when your kids get old enough to date, sneak a sample of blood from each teenager and his or her date. It won't be that hard to get blood; redneck kids play so rough, they're always cutting themselves on something.

If the dating couple have the same blood type, odds are they're related—and it's your beholden duty to squash that budding romance by any means necessary.

If the blood types are different, give them your blessing. But don't let them have that big, lavish shotgun wedding until they both turn sixteen.

Explaining Eviction to Your Kids

Rednecks are not just a mobile-home society, they're a mobile society.

It seems like the landlord comes around pestering redneck tenants for the rent every five or six months, so they have to regularly pack up and move in the middle of the night.

We've got relatives who've moved so often, they keep their outhouse on wheels.

Uncle Billy has lived in fifty-four different houses since fighting in Korea, and he hasn't paid a penny in rent all these years. Landlords won't even come within shouting distance of Billy's home because he's got a steel plate in his head, keeps his old combat carbine beside the front door, and riles easier than a pit bull.

The property owners usually get rid of Billy just like they do a lot of uncooperative renters: They go to court and get eviction papers.

When the sheriff's deputy comes to your door and orders you to get out, here are some explanations you can give your young'uns:

• “Sorry, kids, we have to move. Elvis wants to hide out here for a while.”