Authors: Naima DaCosta
A part of her was completely, paradoxically, turned on but she unable to release any of the energy which welled up inside in waves as she shuddered silently. All her senses seemed disconnected. she didn't feel real- actually she felt far too real. It seemed like one of those dreams that feels like it's about to become a nightmare but never actually does. the tension coming not from any mundane fear of death or pain but from a sense of vastly implacable forces operating in the midst, beyond one's power to fathom.
Hayley felt like a spirit, as if her body was in another place altogether. A place where she could feel but not react. at first her body barely moved...only shaking slightly. Then as if released from a spell, she began to thrash weakly and made strange sounds like someone half awake trying to speak from outside of their body.
Jack’s tension seemed sustained beyond all capacity of either to tolerate any longer. He was clutching her by the shoulders so hard she felt blood vessels bursting helplessly under his grip. His toes left the ground and found leverage against a wall.
Jack pushed all of his weight into her in a final thrust hips twitching side to side as his whole body shuddered shaking her so hard her head bounced against the floor bringing stars to her eyes and making everything a blur.
Hayley felt something surging inside her as her muscles clenched to contain him through sheer animal fear he sprayed so hard, so deep inside her she felt it actually strike the sore and swollen outer walls of her womb. She felt its coolness in comparison to her own feverish inner heat. the head of his cock was banging around her inner limits as he shook.
Jack stayed taut after that violent shot still pushing beyond her confines with quivering violence, like the string of a longbow shuddering in the wake of an arrow's release.
Jack’s body outside of her had stopped moving entirely though his cock still pulsed and he continued to release his juice inside a few more times, slowly it's violent throbbing ebbed , falling in sync with her own bodies decreasing tempo. They lay there completely still for a long moment with no sense of the reality of time. Then, like a tired cat like he rolled off of her and laid back against the front of the couch.
Jack jutted one knee up and stretched his other leg out. His head lay tilted to one side but his shoulders and chest were drawn back majestically as his arms stretched out behind him supporting his torso. He seemed self contained as his chest rose and fell with deep slow breaths. His mouth was set in a resignation of his terrible deed. she could sense his self loathing but also something else, a questioning.
Hayley knew he must be struggling to come to terms with the reality of his own mind. Jack’s eyes turned to look at her without recognizance of any connection between them. His look was feverishly penetrating though all the violence was gone now. It was as if he was trying to see into her soul.
Hayley averted her own eyes. She was sure something was broken now- he will avoid me from now on, she thought.
He thinks of me as just another part of the world out there he hates he punished me for trying to con my way into gaining his trust.
Hayley felt no anger. Unbelievably, she felt no shame for either of them but as much as she was sure that she was intact from the experience, she knew that for him to lose control like that was something his ego, that calm ironic persona of his, would have a hellish time reconciling with. Sensing something strange and unsettled in his mood she stood up and started putting her clothes back on.
Jack asked in a low voice, "Are you alright?"
Hayley was surprised to hear a genuine note of concern audible despite his controlled delivery. She turned away not wanting to look at him she answered quickly, words tumbling over themselves with a distinct lack of emphasis.
"Yes..of course..I mean obviously I feel a little weird and I'm sure you do too so I'll just call a cab and...”
"Shut up!" Jack practically bellowed it. His powerful voice echoed for a half second bell like in it's vibrance nearby the strings of a guitar buzzed sympathetically in response.
Hayley was sure her heart had just stopped. standing for a moment, stunned, she turned to to look at him slowly like a criminal who knows they have no chance of escape seeing him there. Suddenly her emotional landscape changed completely.
Gone was the numb regret she felt sudden stabbing pangs in her heart. Jack had tears rolling slowly down his cheeks. his eyes were still intense though his jaw and mouth had softened somewhat.
"I'm sorry- I didn't want anything like this to happen" as he said this his voice still clear, but lower and darker.
Hayley stood still, and though embarrassed, she spoke with genuine compassion, "it's okay, you were out of it..I thought you were sick and obviously I triggered something when I rushed towards you- I'm sure you didn't realize.."
"At that moment you reached for me I hated you for trying to help me. I wanted to make you suffer for having the nerve to think you could take care of me. You might say I'm poisoned inside. The damage was done a long time ago.”
Hayley felt dizzy hearing the words.
“I wanted you to feel what I feel when I think about all those wasted years I spent trying to prove I was worth something I want you to feel this pain and anger I have learned to hide because you deserve to feel it for wanting my success, which you will never understand until you've experienced this darkness. I can't stand being reminded that you love your work in a way I no longer can.I can't help you any further than your talent and strength can take you on your own. I don't want you to depend on me and I don't want you trying to look after me. No one's ever looked after me and to be honest I don't think I even remember what wanting that feels like.”
Haley wanted more than anything at that moment to hold him to lay his head against her chest to tend to him...to be his nurse, but she felt sure he would not let her now- maybe never. Her heart told her it was what he really needed more than anything in the world on those long and lonely nights when work was done and there was nothing left to do but brood about his miserable past. She knew she couldn't offer it to him now but she held on to that feeling, and she felt it shine out her eyes as she looked at him angelically.
Hayley said, "I'm not afraid of any of that and I'm not afraid of you either. You didn't hurt me, not actually. I don't think anything can anymore.. I used to wonder why you were the way you were. Now I know alot more than I ever imagined was possible to know about another human being's pain and it doesn't worry me. if you can feel all of those things and still be the man you are all I can say is that your pain is true and real to me. I have nothing but respect and admiration for you."
Jack looked at her and he smiled a bittersweet, strangely solemn smile.
"You're much tougher than I thought.. either that or you're completely insane."
Jack’s delivery wasn't funny but they both started laughing then dissipating all of the built up tension and leaving them in unstrained silence she felt cool. There was a light thrumming in Hayley’s chest she had been telling the truth. There was no fear in her heart and she felt peaceful, but still something seemed to be slipping away. So much had happened in such a short time and she wondered what could possibly come of it now. She felt giddy.
Weeks seemed no longer than minutes when she thought of all of the work to be done never had she felt more real- it was like she had felt during the sex those other times before. Now she realized what had just slipped away, it was the thing that had made her ache when he wasn't there.
Hayley had no problems now accepting she might never see him again. She felt like all of the times she had told herself not to fall in love with him were so foolish and unnecessary. Feeling a slow flush of contentment, she suddenly saw that what she had thought was falling in love was just a side effect from something else.
A deeper feeling which had touched them both but was really not about either of them. Hayley knew now that she truly loved Jack with no reservations whatsoever she suddenly knew there were was a thread between this feeling and the songs they both cherished. If given the choice she would rather have the songs than have him, or rather that the songs were him... they were her..and him. Her love- his love, their children.. now she knew she was meant to be the mother of the songs, and that having been his lover was just a natural extension of this feeling they shared.
Everything inexplicable Hayley had felt since she met Jack was exactly as it should be in the light of her realization. Her need was not for him, but for the courage to face what he had learned to face. That was hers now through the guiltless gift of his own beautifully naked pain.
Hayley was reborn by Jack’s instinctive trust of her inner core's resilience to his own turbulent heart. The words he had spoken afterwards were only half of the truth. they represented the last vestige of his defense against the world.
Hayley had gone beyond that wall. She had become the other half of his story. Her youth, her enthusiasm, and her love. The unclouded intuition which she now felt as her very center was the other half of his hopeless story which lay there ready for him to accept or not. Jack might never surrender to it- but nonetheless she knew that he felt the graceful balance between his bitter experience and her clean acceptance of it.
Hayley said in a surprisingly casual voice, " I suppose I may not hear from you again."
Jack pretended to consider it, "I'm going to be busy for the next few weeks anyway so I can't promise anything. I will try to check up on you at some point over the next couple of months, though."
Jack seemed perplexed by her aura of contentment but he remained cool and added smilingly, "you should get back to work anyway. You'd better have something new for me to hear when I call you."
Hayley answered with lazy confidence, "Oh I just might have something alright. I'd think twice about making me into your protege if I were you though, I just may surpass you sooner than you think- and that might be embarrassing."
Jack pretended to be indignant, "You think you're ready to compete with me all of a sudden?"
Hayley laughed again, a genuine laugh, relishing the thought. She felt free humming to her self as she dressed and kissed him goodbye. She didn't even question Jack’s knowing smile and his phony casualness. After all, she really did have some songs to write. She didn't see how any collective nerve could possibly resist what she was attuned to now, what she felt connected to in her very being.
This feeling inside Hayley was something she was so sure she could capture in many, many songs that many, many voices would all want to sing along to.
Hayley arrived at the warehouse studio exactly on time. Late twilight had darkened the setting suns amber rays and given way to near darkness, leaving soft violet streaks against sparse wisps of leftover cloud from the earlier day's rain. The The moon loomed, remote and uninterested, above. The falling night was damp with a gentle breeze, soft and tantalizingly warm, keeping the creeping chill from sneaking into her bones. It was mid march, nearly 3 months to the day since they fist met. She remembered shivering here outside this portal into Jack's strange inner sanctum on those winter nights past which seemed so long ago. It had been 9 weeks since they last faced each other. She hadn't actually waited for his call, She simply set the idea aside as a contingency to be prepared for.
There was no sense of hopelessness, nor of expectation. Just a quiet sense of readiness. Of course she had thought of him and his place- but not as a part of her life. It was more like how she would think about a particularly good book or movie, the way it tended to drift around in the mind after being absorbed, dreamlike. The drama of it all was still vivid and affecting but completely disconnected from the complexities of her own unfathomable future. Standing on the threshold now, Hayley’s feeling was akin to the experience discovering that a story you've been rereading your whole life had always had a sequel which you'd somehow never heard of. A story which had always seemed so complete that it was mystifying trying to imagine how it might continue.
Before Hayley had a chance to ring the buzzer she saw Jack come through the inner door and walk towards her. With a swift motion he unlocked the final barrier separating them opening it wide, one arm outstretched holding it open with uncharacteristic aplomb.
Jack ushered her in saying "come in, come in," his voice cheerfully brusque, with a kind of restrained excitement in it. He gave her a quick friendly kiss as she walked passed him smiling her own hello.
Both seemed oblivious to the strange electric charge that was already gathering, as a result of their proximity to each other. Jack led Hayley inside smiling an enigmatic smile which she didn't recognize. He looked happier and more relaxed than she could remember him being although she thought perhaps her own mood was affecting her perception of him.
To Hayley, Jack even seemed younger. The grey hair was still there, of course, but his skin looked healthy, his face seemed soft and his eyes were filled with merriment.
Jack said, almost gaily, "I've been redecorating."
Hayley laughed, the idea seemed preposterous. Jack’s smile continued beaming unabated at her incredulity.
“No really, I think you'll appreciate the difference" As Hayley walked in that familiar main room she saw it was less moody now. There was more light a sensuously thick Persian rug now lay on the floor in front of his coach.