The Road to Her (26 page)

My insides tensed up into a tight ball at my thoughts. Her girlfriend? Was that what I really was? Looking at the pained expression on Elise’s face, I could tell she hated every second of being out in the open with me on our day off. She was sitting just about as far away from me in the boat as she could manage and kept looking anxiously at the banks of the river as if expecting to see a team of reporters following us. The thought hit me like a fist in my stomach that I really wasn’t her girlfriend, and if her insistence that we keep our relationship a secret was anything to go by, I probably never would be. Not girlfriends in the true sense of the word, anyway.

“What are you thinking about?” Elise’s voice cut through my thoughts, as if she’d been reading my mind.

“Nothing.” I heaved the oars back.

“You so are,” Elise said. “I can see it on your face. You were deep in thought.”

“I was just thinking.”

“I know,” Elise said. “I just said.” She lowered her sunglasses and looked at me over the top of them. “What were you thinking about?”

“Stuff.” I pulled hard on one oar, allowing us to move slightly to the left.

“Too vague.” Elise carried on looking at me over her glasses. “Try again.”

“You,” I said. “I was thinking about you.”

We ducked our heads as the boat drifted under a large weeping willow, the soft fronds scraping along the side of the boat as we passed under it.

“Good or bad?” Elise asked.

“I’m not sure,” I replied truthfully.

“Oh.” Elise slid her glasses back up her nose. “That’s not really what I wanted to hear.”

“You look like you hate this, that’s all,” I said. “I don’t want you to hate it. I want you to enjoy it.”

“I’m fine”—Elise saw me staring at her—“really.”

“I wish you’d relax a bit, that’s all,” I said. “You look like you want me to turn this boat around and go straight back.”

“I don’t,” she said softly.

The look on her face didn’t do anything to quell my fears, though. A cloud of despondency scudded towards me every time I looked at Elise’s tense, set face, and despite the fact she smiled each time our eyes met, her smile was taut with anxiety. That worried me properly for the first time since we’d got together.

But it was more than just despondency, I thought, as I watched Elise pull her scarf further across her face. A quiet discontent was also growing inside me with every pull of my oars through the water, knowing that my relationship with Elise was entirely on her terms, and not at all on mine. And I just didn’t know what I could do about it.

Chapter Twenty-six

“It’ll be a fall back to earth for you today,” I said to Elise the next morning. I bumped her hip with mine as I passed her in my kitchen. “After your award, I mean.”

Elise was leaning against my kitchen unit, eating a piece of toast. She was wearing one of my favourite T-shirts and nothing else, looking totally adorable, her bare legs stretched out in front of her, and it was taking every ounce of self-control I had in my body not to drag her back to my bedroom there and then.

She shrugged. “I guess. Filming scenes today with Bella will keep me grounded, no danger of that,” she added with a grin.

Bella.

If there was one person guaranteed to keep us both grounded, it was Bella. I also knew that Bella was the only person in the world I knew I could go to about my worries over me and Elise.

“Bella knows I like you,” I suddenly said, immediately regretting it when I saw the look on her face.

“You told her about us?” Elise paused, toast still in hand. “I thought I said not to tell
anyone
.”

I hastily shook my head. “I haven’t told her,” I lied. “Quit panicking, will you?”

“So what
does
she know?” Elise chewed on her toast and watched me.

“Just that I like you,” I stammered. “I told her ages ago ’cos she figured something was up. It was at the same time that Grace was calling me. I was stressed, okay? I needed someone to talk to, and Bella was there for me.”

“Well, don’t go telling her that we got it on, will you?” Elise stopped chewing again and stared at me. “Bella has teenage kids, doesn’t she? They get wind of it and it’ll be all over the Internet before you know it.”

“I told you I wouldn’t,” I said. “So I won’t.” I thought for a moment. “But she’ll probably ask me something at some point,” I lied, “because I’m not walking round with a face like a slapped arse anymore. She’ll work out that something’s changed.”

“So tell her you’re fine about stuff now.” Elise shrugged, brushing crumbs from her hands. “Or tell her that Grace has buggered off back to Spain or Ireland or wherever it was she was going, and that you’re a lot less puddled about it all now.”

I knew I’d been well and truly rebuked. When I didn’t answer Elise, she held her arms out to me. “C’mere.”

I went to her and let her circle her arms round my waist, linking my own arms round her. She kissed my hair before leaning her forehead against mine and sighed. “Can I come over again tonight?” she asked. “I can bring pizza.” She bent her head to catch my eye, smiling when I nodded. She pulled me closer to her again. “It’ll be okay, I promise,” she said. “Everything will be okay.”

But the more I thought about it, the more convinced I became that it really wouldn’t be.

*

I had five scenes to film that day, and they just dragged on forever. I don’t know if it was because I just wanted it to be over so I could spend precious time with Elise, or because I was flat, being back at work after an awesome few days, or even because of the gnawing worry I kept getting each time I replayed recent conversations with Elise over in my head. To make matters worse, I didn’t get to see Elise until lunchtime, either. She spent her entire morning on the set of the pub, filming with Bella and a few others whose characters in
PR
worked with Bella’s in the supermarket, and then was finished for the day, while I had to carry on filming with Robbie for the whole afternoon.

I was hurrying down to the canteen to meet Elise for lunch, already thinking ahead to seeing her again, when I bumped into Bella and Rory coming back from another set.

“I’ve just seen your girlfriend hotfooting it down to the canteen as well.” Rory jerked his head back over his shoulder. “She’s either hungry or in a hurry to see someone.”

“My girlfriend?” I glanced from Rory to Bella and back again.

“Casey.” Rory bumped my arm. “Who else?” He winked as he passed me and ambled on down the corridor.

“He doesn’t know, so you can take that deer-in-the-headlights look off your face.” Bella put an arm round my shoulders and playfully pulled me to her.

I watched until Rory had reached the end of the corridor and turned the corner before I spoke. “I wish I could tell you that Elise felt like my girlfriend,” I said quietly, darting my eyes towards a door as I heard it swing open. “Or that I felt like I was hers.”

We both waited as a runner hurried past us speaking quickly into a headset, then disappeared through another set of doors.

“Are you in trouble already?” Bella asked, putting her hand on my arm. “I assumed everything was all right with you two.”

I leant a shoulder against the wall and sighed. “It’s fine, I guess,” I said. “It’s just…” I struggled to find the right words.

“Not the hearts and flowers you thought it would be?” Bella offered.

“It just doesn’t feel like I thought it would feel,” I said simply. “I mean, new relationships are supposed to be exciting and carefree, aren’t they?”

“Well it’s been years since anyone’s lit my fire,” Bella said ruefully, “and God knows I’ve handed out enough matches over the years.” She paused. “But from what I remember when I first got together with Tom, yes, it should be all red hearts and stolen kisses for you at this stage.”

“Not looking over our shoulders every five minutes or having niggling doubts about every tiny thing?” I folded my arms across my chest and stared moodily at the floor.

“Is that how it is?” Bella asked, tilting her head to one side and looking at me sympathetically.

“Seems to be, at the moment,” I said. “She still doesn’t know you know, either.”

“You think she’ll freak if she finds out?” Bella asked.

Before I could answer her, I heard Elise call my name from the far end of the corridor, making me swing round probably more twitchily than was necessary. I watched her saunter down towards me, hands in her pockets, her slim jean-clad legs seeming to go on forever. She had this sexy way of swinging her hips when she walked, almost like how a model walks, and I loved how she did it. But, then, it was like everything else she did—just perfect and classy and, yeah, hot as hell, and I sensed my face flushing just at the sight of her.

Despite all my worries, I still had the awesome swell of pride that I always had when I saw her, which just swelled even more when I saw the look of happiness she had on her face at finding me.

“I was waiting for you in the canteen,” she said softly when she finally got to me. She lifted her head to acknowledge Bella. “I wondered where you were.”

“I was on my way,” I replied, meeting her eye. She held my look and gave me this slow, gorgeous, knowing look. My worries, so intense just a few minutes before, lessened.

“We were just talking about you.” Bella reached out and patted Elise’s arm. “About how lovely you looked at the awards the other night,” she continued before Elise had a chance to see the look of alarm on my face.

“Thank you.” Elise adjusted her bag on her shoulder. “I think we all looked awesome that night.” She flashed me a quick look.

Finally Bella said her goodbyes and left, allowing Elise and me to be alone, at last. We both stood leaning against the wall facing one another, occasionally letting our fingers brush, dropping them whenever someone passed us or we heard a noise further down the corridor. They were just the briefest of touches between us, but each touch spoke volumes—telling the other we’d missed them in the short time we’d been apart that morning, and that we were glad we were together again.

Finally we pulled ourselves away from the wall and headed down to the canteen, hunger forcing us both to leave our little bubble of togetherness.

“So, plans for the weekend?” Elise asked as we walked back down the corridor. She brushed her hand quickly down my arm. “I was thinking takeout pizza at yours tonight, maybe something similar tomorrow, and”—she glanced over her shoulder and, seeing no one around, whispered—“a lie in on Sunday.”

“Or how about pizza at mine tonight and a club tomorrow?” I suggested. “Maybe even dinner first?”

“I was thinking more like us having something at yours tomorrow.” Elise pulled her bag up higher on her shoulder. “Rather than going out.”

I stopped walking. “We haven’t been out since, well, you know.” I looked behind me. “Since we got together.” I lowered my voice. “We should go clubbing or something, rather than stay in and be boring.”

“We could,” Elise said slowly, “or we could just stay in. I’m thinking a cosy night on the sofa.” She widened her eyes at me.

“Or rather, you’re thinking…” I began. I took a deep breath. “Nothing.” I started walking again. “Takeout and a sofa snuggle sounds great.”

“I’ll bring wine.” Elise fell into step beside me. “And you can choose the food tomorrow. How’s that?”

“Now you’re talking,” I said, trying to ignore the nagging pull in the pit of my stomach. “Shall we forget the canteen?” I suddenly asked. “And see if my room’s empty, instead?”

“Clever thinking, I like it,” Elise said, following me back down the corridor to my dressing room. Entering it and seeing that Bella wasn’t around, Elise followed me in, then closed the door and leant against it before beckoning me back over to her. As I obediently went to her, she draped her arms over my shoulders and drew me in closer.

“So? Weekend sound good?” she asked, moving her hand briefly to tuck a wayward strand of hair behind my ear.

“Sounds awesome,” I said. “But I will need to do some other stuff around my apartment this weekend as well.”

“Stuff?” She cocked her head to one side.

“Stuff,” I repeated. “Cleaning, fixing things that have been waiting to be fixed for weeks, and—”

“Mm-hmm,” she said, looking at my chest, nodding to herself and smiling. “And you’d give up the chance to be with me just so you could do a bit of home improvement?” She glanced up at me, her eyebrow curved quizzically and perfectly.

I laughed. “No, of course not! But I…”

Elise lazily traced a finger up the front of my top, stopped at my top button, and slowly undid it. “You were saying?” she said, undoing the second button and slipping a hand inside. She didn’t look at me all the time she was doing it, instead concentrating on where her hand was and what she was doing. I was so giddy at her touch I thought my knees might buckle underneath me at any time.

Elise moved in to kiss me, but the rattle of the door handle made us both jump as if we’d just been stung. I instinctively jerked away from her, hastily buttoning up my top, while Elise sprang back away from the door and leant against my dressing table, her eyes wide.

“Damn door sticking.” I heard Bella’s voice outside the door then jumped as she shoved at the door and practically fell into the room towards me. “Bloody thing. Oh!” She glanced from me to Elise and back to me.

“I was standing behind the door,” I stuttered. “Sorry.” I looked at Elise and saw she’d gone bright red.

“I thought you’d gone to the canteen.” Bella shrugged off her coat and, flinging it towards her chair, cursed loudly as it missed and slithered to the floor.

“Just going now,” I muttered, gathering up my bag and heading for the door.

Bella sat herself down in front of her mirror and grimaced. “The make-up girls can do wonders, I know.” She cast a glance over to me. “But, my God, even they’re going to struggle with this face today.”

“If I don’t see you again this afternoon, have a good weekend, Bella,” I finally said, not daring to look at Elise. I knew what the expression on her face would be like, and I really didn’t want to see it.