The Road to Her (29 page)

“I did.” I could just see Elise’s face in the gloom of the room. “You have no idea what you do to me, you know that?”

“Well, whatever is it,” I said, finally pulling away and switching on the dimmer lights, “you do the same to me.”

I walked towards the kitchen, briefly touching her hand as I walked from her. Poking my head in the fridge, I called out a number of options for dinner to Elise, who was now standing by my window in the lounge, gazing, as she often liked to, out across the sparkling lights over and across the river.

“So where did you go after I left today?” Elise called out.

I pulled two steaks out from the back of the fridge and, inspecting the eat-by date on them and seeing they were good for another two days, started to unravel the packaging.

“Just out.” I took the cellophane from the steaks and put it in the bin. “What about you? Where did you go?”

“Are you sure you didn’t go to a cat sanctuary?” Elise appeared behind me. She looped her arms round my waist and rested her chin on my shoulder. “You’re covered in hairs.” She dusted my front down, her chin still on my shoulder. “On
my
hoodie,” she added, giving me a playful squeeze.

“That was Bella’s gang.” I groaned, picking a few off my front and frowning. “I lose count of the number of cats she has.”

“Bella?” Elise lifted her chin from my shoulder.

“Yeah,” I said lightly. “I went to see her.”

“Today?” Elise’s face darkened.

“Today,” I said, feeling Elise release me from her embrace.

“Right,” she said. She frowned. “And you wore my hoodie to her house?”

“It’s just a few cat hairs, Elise.” I flicked my hands over it. “I’ll wash it if it bothers you that much.”

“But she would have wondered why you were wearing my clothes,” Elise said, leaning against the kitchen unit, her arms crossed.

“Like Bella would know it was yours!” I snorted.

“She’s seen me wear it at work.” Elise waved a hand to the front of it. “It’s quite distinctive, Hol.” She stared at me. “She might have wondered why you were wearing it,” she repeated.

“Elise, it’s fine.” I took a griddle pan from the cupboard and put it on top of the oven. “It’s just a hoodie.”

A long, awkward pause ensued.

“You told her, didn’t you?”

My throat closed. “About?”

“You know what about,” Elise said. “Us.”

“No,” I replied, heat spreading from my neck up across my cheeks.

Elise didn’t answer, instead she remained leaning against the unit. “Did you?” she finally asked again.

For a moment, silence. Then, “Yes, I did. I told her.” My stomach plunged the minute I’d said it. The immediate change in Elise’s mood and the look on her face told me everything I already knew: she was furious with me.

“I
said
to you!” Elise flung her hands out. “I specifically
said
not to breathe a word to anyone about this!” She stood in front of me, hands now on hips, face white with fury. She chewed angrily at her top lip with her bottom teeth, her jaw tight, her breath coming fast and short.

“But Bella’s cool!” I said, hating to see Elise so angry. “She won’t say a word. She promised.”

“Oh, and that makes it okay, does it?” Elise glared at me, eyes blazing, waiting for me to answer.

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” I said quietly. “It’s not like I announced it to the whole cast, is it?”

“You just don’t get it, do you?” Elise started pacing the room, running her hands through her hair. “The fact is I distinctly said I didn’t want anyone knowing about me and you, yet you still went and blabbed about it!”

“I didn’t blab,” I said feebly. “Bella already knew. She’s known for a long time.” I looked at Elise.

“She. Already. Knew?” Elise emphasised every word. “Since when?”

“Ages,” I said. “And she’s never said a word to anyone, has she?” I jabbed at the buttons on the oven. “So quit stressing.”

“Terrific.” Elise wandered out of the kitchen and over to the lounge window.

“Don’t go weird on me again, Elise,” I said. I came and stood just behind her, putting my arm round her shoulder.

“Don’t,” she said. She took my hand and removed it from her shoulder, still staring coldly out in front of her.

I was stung by her reaction and stood, fuming. Elise frowned, evidently deep in thought.

I thought I’d try another angle. “Would it really matter if people knew?” I asked quietly.

“Of course it would!” Elise sounded exasperated. “Firstly, what do you think Kevin, Susie—shit, even Robbie!—would say if they knew?”

“I don’t think they’d care,” I said truthfully. “Kevin would probably be thinking about how it’d increase ratings.”

“Fuck the ratings,” Elise spat, walking away from the window again.

“What!” I watched as she started pacing the room again. “Fuck the ratings? That’s a new one, even for you.”

She didn’t answer.

“When did you become such a hypocrite?” I demanded.

“Thanks for that.” Elise stared at me.

“I love you,” I said, stung by her stare, “and I just needed to tell someone else that, rather than carrying it around with me like it’s something I should be ashamed of.” A shock of realisation instantly went through me at my own words, and I suddenly understood everything. “Is this what this is all about? Are you ashamed of us?” I said. “This has got nothing to do with your career, has it? It’s really because you’re ashamed that you fell in love with a girl!”

That was why Elise was so furious. She was embarrassed about being with another girl. She couldn’t handle the fact she’d fallen in love, and it had been with me. Not with Robbie, or Stig, or Rory, or—heaven forbid—Pete, but me. Holly Croft. She’d fallen in love with Holly Croft—a girl—and she just couldn’t hack it.

“I’m not ashamed,” Elise said. “I told you a long time ago that this was all new to me, but you just seem determined to rush on ahead and tell people.”

“Not people, Elise, person,” I said. “One discreet person.”

We stood, glaring at one another.

I watched as Elise sat down on my sofa, her head buried in her hands. “If you can’t handle being with me,” I said, “then maybe you’re better off going back to Stig and resuming this normal life that you seem so keen on having because I obviously can’t give it to you.”

Elise looked up at me from where she was sitting. “After everything we’ve been through to get to where we are?” she said. “After all the soul-searching and dodging round one another?”

“But I can’t be the person you want me to be.” I sat down next to her. “If you’re not comfortable being with me, then what’s the point?”

“But I love you,” she said simply. “I’m fighting a battle with myself and I’m asking you to give me time.”

“You’re asking me to hide away,” I said. “To be someone I’m not.” I looked at her. “I don’t want to spend the rest of my life living a lie.”

Elise nodded, then, with a long sigh, stood up. “I’m being unfair, I know,” she said, bending to pick up her bag.

“You’re not staying?” I asked. I reached up and took her hand. “We can talk through this over dinner. It’ll be okay.”

Elise looked to the kitchen then back to me. She gave my hand a small squeeze. “It’s getting late, so I’ll say no,” she said. “But thanks anyway. I’m going to go and have a think about stuff for tonight.” She pulled me to my feet and drew me to her, wrapping her arms around me. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I’ve been a complete shit.” She paused. “As usual.”

I stroked her hair. “We’ll talk again tomorrow, yeah?”

“Tomorrow,” she breathed into my neck. “Yeah, tomorrow.”

Chapter Twenty-nine

Monday morning arrived like a welcome distraction for the first time ever in my life. After Elise had left my apartment the previous evening, instead of doing something that would take my mind off her and not let me dwell on things, I’d spent time looking back over old YouTube videos of us both and reading messages on Internet forums about Jasey. That hadn’t helped at all. Rather, it had reminded me of just how good Elise and I were together and made me wonder whether I was prepared to risk ruining everything—both for Elise and for me—by insisting we were more open about our relationship.

Today, I figured, was another day. I’d speak to her again at work and ask her over to my apartment again that evening to talk. Talking had to be good, right? We could sort things out if we could just talk them through, I was sure of it.

I was just getting ready to leave my apartment for the studios, shortly before lunch, when my phone rang. Thinking it was Elise, I snatched it up, answered with a cheery greeting, and was already mentally asking her over that evening. I was slightly disappointed, however, when I heard Kevin’s voice at the other end. And he sounded anxious. Very anxious.

“Holly?” His voice was high—shrill, almost.

“You all right, Kevin?” I cradled the phone under my chin and pulled the fridge door open, looking for something for lunch later. I peered inside, frowning.

“Not really, in all honesty,” Kevin replied. I could hear him moving around while he was talking to me. “Can you come down to the studios as soon as possible?”

“I guess,” I said, glancing at the clock on my kitchen wall and shutting the fridge door again. “I’m due down in an hour anyway.”

“No, you need to come now, please,” Kevin said. “I’ll explain when you get here.”

A wave of panic suddenly swept over me. “It’s not Bella, is it?” I asked, fearful. “Nothing’s happened to her, has it?”

“No, no,” Kevin said. “Bella’s fine. Everyone’s fine. I just need you to come in.”

“Sure,” I said.

“I’ve gotta go, sorry.” And with that, the line went dead.

I unhitched my phone from under my chin and stared at it for a second, slightly put out that Kevin had cut the conversation with me like that, then pulled my mobile from my pocket and flicked my thumb over the screen, finding Elise’s name. I sent a short text to her, asking her if Kevin had asked her to come to the studios early, too. Elise, like me, wasn’t due on set until lunchtime. I wondered if Kevin needed to see both of us, or just me.

I made it out of London and to the studios in just over thirty minutes, arriving there shortly after ten thirty a.m. The scene when I arrived at Kevin’s office was one of total chaos: Kevin and Susie were deep in discussion at Kevin’s desk while runners were coming and going every few minutes. Bella was already there, seated just in front of Kevin’s desk, idly flicking through the broadsheet she had evidently been looking forward to reading in the cafe, before she was rudely interrupted.

Stuart was on his BlackBerry in a corner of the room, a clipboard cradled in one hand, his glasses perched high on his head. He looked tired and grumpy, shooting me a look as I entered the room and made my way over to Kevin.

“Where’s the fire?” I asked, looking round the room and smiling.

Kevin didn’t smile back. Nor did Susie.

“Hey, Holly,” Kevin said, gesturing to the seat in front of him. “Have a seat.”

I sat down warily, casting a quizzical
what the hell’s going on
look at Bella, who glanced up from her newspaper and shrugged back at me.

“Thanks for coming in so quickly, both of you,” Susie said, glancing up at us from a piece of paper she was looking at on Kevin’s desk.

I nodded, wondering what scene it was that they seemed to think Bella and I hadn’t done properly. That had to be it, right? Dissatisfaction with something the pair of us had done. Why else would they get us both in?

“We’ve got some major rescheduling to do.” Kevin looked at me over the top of his glasses. “And a mountain of rewrites, too.”

“Okay,” I said, smiling uncertainly.

“It’s going to mean a change to your work pattern for the next few weeks, and I can only apologise for that,” Susie said. “Probably some longer hours as well, until we can sort all this out and get things back on track.”

“Okay,” I said again, looking warily across to Bella.

“Have we done something wrong?” Bella asked, folding the newspaper up neatly on her lap and looking directly at Susie.

I looked from Susie to Kevin and back again. “And what about Elise?” I asked. “Is she included in all this, or is it just me and Bella?”

“You haven’t done anything wrong, no,” Kevin looked back down to the paperwork on his desk.

“Neither of you have,” Susie continued.

“And Elise?” I repeated.

Susie reached across the desk and grabbed a pile of papers. “It’s because of Elise we have to do all this,” she said, gesturing to one of the runners who came over to her, and handing the papers to her. “Take these upstairs, will you?” she asked her.

“Tell them we’d like them back by two at the latest, yeah?” Kevin called out to the runner’s retreating back.

I watched as she left the room, then turned to look at Bella. “I don’t understand,” I said. “What’s Elise done?”

“She’s gone, that’s what,” Susie said sharply. “She’s quit
Portobello Road
and left us with a whole pile of trouble.”

Chapter Thirty

My mouth went dry at Susie’s words. My heart instantly started racing behind my ribcage, and I had to breathe through my mouth, because I thought that at any moment I might pass out.

“Gone?” Bella finally spoke. “What do you mean, gone?”

“Came in at eight this morning to see me,” Kevin said, putting his pen down on the desk. “Told me she was taking an extended break with immediate effect.”

“For fuck’s sake!” Bella threw her hands up in the air and shot a look at me.

“Precisely.” Susie pulled a face.

“And, what?” Bella said wearily. “She’s just upped and offed, has she? Without a thought for any of us?”

“Apparently so.” Kevin leant back in his chair and rubbed his hands over his face.

“Can she…can she do that?” I finally managed to croak.

“No,” Kevin said bluntly. “She can’t.”

“So…?” I looked at Kevin numbly.

“I told her she was in breach of contract,” Kevin said. “She told me that she was due some holiday, that she’d cleared it with her agent, and that she was going now.”