The Secret of the Shadow (18 page)

The third event occurred on her first day of college. When Arielle went to sign up for her major in TV production, she was met by the dean of her school, who quickly let her know that there would be no future for women in broadcasting. He told her that she would be much better off in the school of journalism. As a result of taking the dean’s advice, Arielle proceeded to learn the ins and outs of journalism, while at the same time sharpening her writing skills. When Arielle finished school she decided that the 168

f i n d i n g y o u r u n i q u e s p e c i a lt y job that would best utilize her skills and talents was to be found not in journalism but in public relations.

For the next ten years Arielle successfully promoted events for artists, entertainers, and corporations, but still she was left feeling dissatisfied and discontent. Then one day she awoke to the realization that she needed to include her deep spiritual life in her work. All the work she had been doing had been preparing her to practice her very specific and unique specialty and thus make the contribution that was truly important to her. Today she is one of the most powerful and influential people in the spiritual world. Not only does she promote the top spiritual leaders of our times; she is an agent who helps get important messages out into the world and is the author of the
Hot Chocolate for the Mystical Soul
series.

Looking back over these three significant events of Arielle’s life, we see two distinct themes emerge. The first is that it wasn’t safe for her to be in the limelight. The subtle message that Arielle received both from the incident at the temple and from being told not to pursue a career in broadcasting was to not speak out but stay in the background. The other theme is her deep connection with the spiritual world. When Arielle looked at what her life’s experiences had made her uniquely qualified to contribute, she saw that she had the skills, the know-how, and the power to take important messages out into the world. Instead of feeling discouraged and victimized by the events of her life—which she could easily have done—she decided to use her past, her pain, and her gifts to make a difference in the world.

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T h e S e c r e t o f t h e S h a d o w Each of us has this capability, no matter how tragic, tiresome, or satisfying our past. We want to examine our lives and dig out our contribution and our gifts. We have learned things and lived through things others have never experienced. Our experience is what makes us specialists. And the world is in need of what we have to offer. This was true for Johanna, who spent years of her life steeped in a story about what a horrible person she was. When I met Johanna, she was filled with anguish and shame about the fact that she was born and raised in Germany and was part of a culture that had committed horrible atrocities against millions of Jewish people. Johanna struggled with depression, anger, and fear that ran so deep she could barely tolerate the pain. This story consumed her every thought. I knew that in order for Johanna to heal and to step outside her story, she would need to find the gift that her pain held.

I asked Johanna to tell me what it was like to be born in Germany fifteen years after the war. She told me that the early years of her life were peaceful and happy, set among the rolling hills and quaint culture of her small village. But by the time she was eight or nine, Johanna began hearing the stories her parents and grandparents told about the war. She learned from them what it was like to have bombs falling all around you and to have to spend the night hiding in the basement for safety. She imagined the terror of not knowing if mothers and fathers would ever see their sons again. As her relatives shared their painful memories, she was horrified to hear about the fear, suffering, and starvation that permeated that dark time in Germany’s history.

When she was in the eighth grade, Johanna watched a documentary at school about the war. This was the first time she had really seen 170

f i n d i n g y o u r u n i q u e s p e c i a lt y or understood the impact of the massacre that had occurred in her country. Tears stung her eyes and deep shame washed over her as she realized that she was a citizen of a country that had perpetrated horrible violence against the Jewish people. Suddenly an even worse thought arose within her: “If the people of my own country could massacre 10 million people in cold blood, what does that make me?

Could I be capable of the same horrible crimes that were committed by my own people?” In that moment Johanna experienced the deep shame of her heritage and took it upon herself.

I then asked Johanna to take the next step and make a list of the significant events from her past that still weighed heavily on her heart. What were the incidents and events from her past that still caused her embarrassment, anger, or shame? And what did she make those incidents mean about herself? Here is the list she made: I was told as a child that the people of Germany didn’t think for themselves but just followed Hitler at the expense of millions of lives. I decided I would never be a part of any organization, fearing that I would lose my ability to think for myself.

Many times during my life people told me, “You’re so nice.

You’re nothing like those Nazis.” I decided that if I were outspoken and powerful I might be thought of as an angry German, so I squashed my power and leadership skills and tried to always be nice and demure.

After moving to the United States and experiencing firsthand the animosity that some Americans feel toward Germans, I 171

T h e S e c r e t o f t h e S h a d o w distanced myself from my German friends and went twelve years without speaking to any of them.

When I visited France, my traveling companion warned me,

“The French hate Germans, so tell them you’re Swiss or Austrian.” I decided that it wasn’t okay to be me and began taking on different personas in an attempt to fit in.

When I was young, my mother told me that she used to play with some Jewish kids who lived down the street from her.

She said that when the war broke out, one day they just disappeared. I was horrified. The knowledge of this incident made me feel uncomfortable around Jewish people.

When I first moved to the United States, I went to a party thrown by my employer, who happened to be Jewish. As a party game they put the name of a famous person on the back of everyone who walked in. Then each guest had to question the others in order to figure out whose name was on their back. Being overly conscious of my heritage, I prayed that they hadn’t put the name of a Nazi on my back. But to my horror the name they’d given me was Adolf Hitler.

When I was young I walked into a café in our small town in Germany. A friend of my grandfather’s was sitting at a table, boasting about his loyalty to the Nazi party, saying, “I still wear my brown shirt!” I felt sick with shame and humiliation, and horrified that I was one of them.

After seeing a documentary about the war, I tried to stamp 172

f i n d i n g y o u r u n i q u e s p e c i a lt y out anything within myself that could possibly be seen as dark or evil. I strove to never do anything bad to anyone, hoping that this would guarantee that nothing bad would happen to me. I became rigid and controlling, and as a result I rarely experienced any joy.

Having seen the devastation that anger breeds, I never allowed myself to get angry or even maintain healthy boundaries. I thought I had to be nice to everyone, even if they were abusive to me.

It was obvious that the events of Johanna’s life had given her a very specific recipe. The next step was for Johanna to find their gifts. I asked her to make a list of everything she now has and knows as a result of her upbringing in Germany. Here is a list of the skills and abilities that Johanna now possesses that she wouldn’t have if she hadn’t experienced what she did: Growing up in Germany after the war gave me my love and passion for history. I became an avid reader—trying to learn everything I could about the Holocaust.

I became very interested in self-help and human potential. I turned to psychology in an attempt to understand how a madman could inspire an entire country to commit unthinkable crimes.

Because I hated my heritage, I became good at making new friends and learning about other cultures.

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T h e S e c r e t o f t h e S h a d o w I always had a strong interest in any humane endeavor. I spent the majority of my teenage years protesting against violence and supporting peaceful outcomes.

Because I was horrified by the violence perpetrated against the Jews, I made a commitment early on that my life would be about love, service, and healing.

I developed a strong interest in Judaism and studied the Kabala.

I am driven to look for what people have in common rather than what separates them.

I am good at finding ways to peacefully resolve conflicts, whether between me and my ex-husband or between my kids. Because I don’t want anyone to get hurt, I go out of my way to create win-win solutions.

I have learned to be very adaptive and can explain things in many different ways to a divergent group of people.

I learned that as long as I kept quiet about the pain of my past I could never heal my issues and move forward.

I am committed to bringing resolution to the ancestors of the victims as well as the perpetrators of the Holocaust. I am in a unique position to help heal this issue on a global level.

Johanna was able to see the many gifts of the painful experiences she had lived. Yet she still wasn’t sure how to use her specialty to contribute to others. Then last year Johanna met Rosemary, 174

f i n d i n g y o u r u n i q u e s p e c i a lt y who is very active in the Jewish community, and the two became fast friends. One day they began talking about the wounds that still exist between the Germans and the Jews. Johanna shared with Rosemary the pain she has felt about being German, pain she has carried all her life. She told Rosemary that many of her German friends were still living inside the shame of the atrocity that occurred more than forty years ago. Rosemary was touched by Johanna’s honesty and shared with her that most of the Jewish people she knew had never even considered how the atrocity had affected the Germans who did not participate in those crimes.

After hearing Johanna’s point of view, Rosemary could see how this incident had victimized the Germans as well as the Jews.

Johanna and Rosemary then came up with the brilliant idea of making a documentary about the effect the Holocaust had on the generations of both Jews and Germans that followed. Rosemary approached an award-winning documentary filmmaker she had met recently in California, who agreed to produce the film.

Everyone who hears about the project is deeply touched and very excited, feeling in their hearts how important this message is in terms of healing the world’s pain.

Now that Johanna is working for a higher purpose, she no longer feels shame about her heritage or any of the incidents from her past. For the first time she truly understands the deeper purpose of the pain and inner turmoil she suffered all those years. In fact, she blesses her pain, for it gave her the wisdom she needed to make a difference to the world. Johanna cried as she told me that all her life she had been asking herself, “What am I here for?” and now she knows. Being a part of something greater than herself has 175

T h e S e c r e t o f t h e S h a d o w given Johanna the peace she always longed for. She takes better care of herself now—from what she eats to how she speaks to herself—because she knows that she is the bearer of a precious gift that is intended to bring healing to the world.

Johanna’s work paid off. She has found the specialty that lay hidden within her painful life story. Her new commitment is to be a catalyst for healing between the Germans and the Jews. Johanna shared with me recently that had it not been for her willingness to work through her shame and process the lumps in her batter, she never would have had the courage to even initiate a conversation with a Jewish person.

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Our specialties are often birthed out of our pain. They are one of the unique gifts that we have to contribute. There is no right specialty, and no two are the same. Our specialty is what enables us to use our stories instead of having our stories use us. It is our unique way to contribute to the world, to know that we make a difference and that our trials and tribulations have not been in vain. The process of finding our specialty causes us to reinterpret our life’s events, to assign new meanings that will lift us up and propel us outside the limitations of our stories. We all have a choice. We can choose to mix the recipe we were given into a purposeful masterpiece that will feed our souls and nourish those around us. Or we can allow our precious recipes to remain uncooked. Unconcealing your unique specialty is the most vital step you can take in transforming your life and living outside your story. Using your specialty will allow you to stand tall and feel empowered and proud about yourself and your life.

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f i n d i n g y o u r u n i q u e s p e c i a lt y H e a l i n g A c t i o n S t e p s 1. Identify ten incidents—both positive and negative—that have significantly affected your life. Reflect on each one, asking yourself,

What skills and abilities do I possess because of this experience?

How can I use this incident to contribute to myself and others?

If my life were training me to fulfill a particular need in the world, what would it be?

2. Imagine that you have been asked to teach a college course based on the culmination of all your life’s experiences. What would the name of that course be?

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Contemplation

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“I have a specialty that is unlike that
of anyone else in the world.

It is safe for me to contribute

my specialty.”

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= Chapter 9 <

Living Outside

Your Story

Living inside our stories guarantees us a life filled with fear and wanting. The fear tells us to watch out, to hide, and to play small so we won’t be exposed. The wanting drives us to violate our souls, trying to grasp on to anything that might make us look or feel better. When we are wanting, when we are grasping, when we are judging ourselves or others, we can be sure we are in our stories. Outside our stories, there is no wanting. There is only the belief and the inner knowing that everything is as it should be. By listening to our internal dialogue and checking in with ourselves often, we will be able to distinguish at any moment whether we are inside or outside our stories.