The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History: The Bare Minimum on Discovering America, the Boston Tea Party, the California Gold Rush, and Lots of Other Stuff Dead White Guys Did (9 page)

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Whether you are studying ancient mythology or simply browsing in your local adult erotic store, you will occasionally encounter the vaunted beast of legend, the three-headed monster. The mythological sort is the chimera, a fierce creature with the heads of a snake, a goat, and a lion. If you happen to make a wrong turn, accidently get out of your car, trip, and fall into your local adult novelties shop, you may run into a totally different but equally scary three headed specimen. This monster has its own special purpose and its fierce heads can be made of sterile, semi-bendable plastic, or Pyrex. Debate rages on as to which of the two, three-headed monsters served as the inspiration for the three-headed model of government laid out by our forefathers in the constitution.
BUT MUCH LIKE THE HAIR GEL IN PATRICK DEMPSEY'S MEDICINE CABINET, THE DOCUMENT GAVE OUR YOUNG BUT DISHEVELED NATION THE SHAPE AND STRUCTURE IT NEEDED TO BECOME GREAT

The legislative head was the first one to bulge and strain the zipper of the constitutional pants. This particular part of the document entrusts the legislative branch with passing appropriate laws for the country to grow and prosper. The new proposed Constitution outlined a bicameral law-making branch consisting of a House of Representatives and a more respected Senate. The House of Representatives is based on unequal representation, meaning it matters how far sexually you would like to go with your prom date, but she still has the majority vote.

Conversely, the Senate is based on equal representation. One human year is equal to seven dog years and twenty-five guinea pig years.
THIS TYPE OF STRUCTURE ENSURES THAT ALL SIX RESIDENTS OF MONTANA CAN INFLUENCE POLICY MAKING WHILE AT THE SAME TIME MAKING SURE CALIFORNIA HAS A LITTLE MORE VOTING POWER, BUT NOT ENOUGH TO FORCE US ALL TO DRIVE A PRIUS WHILE EATING OUR ALFALFA TOFU GUACAMOLE WRAP.

The executive head is the second part of the creepy three-headed monster. This section of the Constitution sets the ground rules for who can ascend to the lofty position of president of the United States. The most important part of this section is that it explicitly says that you must be a natural-born citizen and at least thirty-five years old to hold this office. This explains why motivated, hardworking baby Indians never get to serve in the role of commander in chief. It also explains why Arnold Schwarzenegger will never serve in the Oval Office. Even 220 years ago, the framers of the Constitution had the foresight to realize that only natural-born citizens are in tune enough with American's demands for outrageously high taxes, foreign energy dependence, high unemployment, and a semi-regular war to become the leader of this great nation.

Rounding out the trio of power is the judicial head. This partisan group is like our nation's
consigliere
, and is responsible for setting up the various levels of judicial interference and rulings. These lower courts are authorized to hear and adjudicate cases and hand down punishments. To ensure that the lower courts remain in check and follow the desires of the executive branch, a provision that allows the higher court to hear and overturn decisions was also included.

Realizing the Constitution, much like a mafia family, is only as strong as its weakest contributor, otherwise known as Fredo, the framers wisely outlined procedures for amending the document to account for any treacherous Carlo Rizzi-like actions that went against the spirit of the document.
TO DATE, CONGRESS HAS BEEN FORCED TO PASS TWENTY-SEVEN AMENDMENTS, INCLUDING THE PRESIDENT'S RIGHT TO KEEP A GUN TAPED UNDER THE COMMODE IN THE OVAL OFFICE BATHROOM IN CASE OF EMERGENCY OR A SURPRISE VISIT FROM A SCARY THREE-HEADED MONSTER.

Nothing gives you a sense of purpose in the morning like a quick read of the U.S. Constitution preamble. A fifty-one-word gem that helps you determine how your actions will best fit with the founding fathers' goals for the country. Please take a moment to read the nontruncated version of the Constitution preamble and then pause and a give some consideration to how your inspired choices for today will help America form a more perfect union.

If the above passage confuses you, don't worry — you are not alone. With the literacy rate of America well below the countries of Belarus and Tajikistan, you are simply a victim of a subpar education that was provided to you by the public school system before George W. rode into office with his cowboy hat on, declared that he loves children, even the difficult-to-teach ones, and that on his watch he wasn't leaving any child behind. If statewide standardized testing had been in place to ensure that the public schools you attended growing up were providing you with an above-Belarus education, you would understand what the founding fathers were striving for with the Constitution preamble and your role in accomplishing it.