The Ultimate Guide to Kink (20 page)

Find a way to give yourself a stinging or thudding sensation—one that doesn’t damage your body. We want to focus on sensation, not injury. You can give yourself a slap, a pinch, a bite, or use your fingernails on any place on your body you can reach. For those of you who are more experienced with pain, you can use a favorite toy from your collection of sensation-producing devices. If you don’t have a collection of toys, you can use your hands, mouth, a wooden spoon, or some other implement you can find in your kitchen.

You will give yourself a single sensation. This can mean three slaps, or several seconds of a bite. Sometimes a single, effective, painful sensation can only be created with multiple strokes, therefore those multiple strokes count as a single sensation. You’re going to create a single sensation and then dive into that sensation as totally as you can, using your breath, your mind, sound, and PC squeezes to expand the sensation and carry it through your body.

So let’s try it. Breathe. Center yourself. Focus. Give yourself the sensation. Now go completely into it. Become the pain. Ride it as a surfer rides a wave—all the way into the beach until it disappears.

Breathe. Do it again. Deliver each stroke at your Resilient Edge of Resistance—right at the place where the pain is enough to make you gasp, but not so intense that you withdraw from it completely.

Playing with Pain (for Two)

Now we are going to try a similar exercise with a partner. The receptive partner will ask the active partner for a single sensation and tell the active partner a) how intense the sensation should be, b) how long the sensation should continue, and c) where on the body they wish to receive it. They will also create a safeword. (Most people play with safewords. Some don’t. In this exercise, a safeword is part of the mindfulness of our giving and receiving, so we will use one.)

Let’s try it: Face your partner. Breathe. Gaze into your partner’s eyes. Drop into the present moment. If you have any physical or emotional limits or boundaries concerning anything in this exercise, share them with your partner now.

The
receptive partner
asks for a sensation. The
active partner
decides whether or not this sensation is something they are willing and able to give. If they are willing to give the requested sensation, they do so. Then they do nothing. They breathe and pause, allowing the receptive partner to fully experience the sensation. When the receptive partner is ready for another sensation they ask for it, perhaps specifying that the next sensation be lighter or harder or something completely different. The role of the active partner is to give the sensation and support the receptive partner with breath and focused energy.

Notes for the active partner: Try to give your sensation as quickly as possible. If pain is given in a flash, the receiver does not have a chance to tense up and the sensation is more pleasurable.

Notes for the receptive partner: Alternate calming and charging breaths. Make sounds. Move the energy with PC squeezes. Remember, you are in complete control of this experience. Go as far as you and your partner want to go,
and
observe your limits.

This is an experiment in how pain and intense sensation build erotic energy within you and between you and your partner. Try to release your expectations of what you think should happen as well as your desire to make something happen. Simply witness each present moment of the exercise.

As with the exercise in power, I strongly suggest you switch roles. Whether you are a top, a bottom, or a switch by nature, this experiment in how to move and transform pain into energy is a valuable (and delightful) exercise.

Now that you have a direct, mindful, solo and partnered experience of pain as an energetic force, feel free to add the sex. Sex is an especially delicious complement to pain. You can alternate deep thrusts and soft strokes with stinging blows. Spanking, nipple biting, and hair pulling make great accompaniments to fucking. Rake your fingernails over your lover’s back, belly, and thighs. Pour the wax from a low-temperature paraffin candle on your beloved’s back as you fuck them. Raid your kitchen for potential kinky toys. Keep a collection of wooden spoons, spatulas, fondue forks, and pickle tongs within easy reach. You can take one favorite sensation to new levels of intensity, or mix it up with varying intensities of sharp, pinchy, thuddy, stinging, hot and cold.

The endorphins and comfort provided by the sex provide the perfect lubricant for expanding levels of orgasmic pain. You can climb to ecstatic heights with pain, then slide down through the valleys with sex, then swoop back up on pain. Your only limits are your imagination and an eventual need for water, food, and sleep.

Now that you’ve visited the place on the erotic map where Tantric sex and BDSM intersect, don’t be a stranger! Stop by often and explore all that the neighborhood has to offer. It’s growing larger and more diverse every day.

Author’s Note: The exercises in this chapter were adapted from workshop exercises I created in collaboration with Dossie Easton, coauthor
of Radical Ecstasy: S/M Journeys Into Transcendence
. I am grateful to her for all I learned while cofacilitating these workshops and for all the fun I had learning it. I am also grateful to Kate Bornstein for her invaluable insights on the practice of solo pain.

CHAPTER 8

PIERCING SCENES

FIFTHANGEL

When I am pierced, I feel like a little bit of my spirit is released from my body and is allowed to fly. The needle goes in, it’s like a quick flash of pain, then a slow ache in my skin as it travels in, followed by another flash as the needle comes back out of my skin on the other side. I feel the light, the sensation, I open my eyes and I let go. Intimacy is shared, the outside world disappears, and we melt into each other, together.

—KATIE

Poking needles into flesh is one of my favorite things to do. Really. There are a variety of reasons why a person may want to perform temporary piercings on another. A top may pierce for the enjoyment of the bottom or for her reactions, which might not always be pleasant. Piercing is much more invasive than other types of SM skills. Whereas a flogging is an external kind of stimulation, with needles you are entering the body. This can feel like a different type of penetration to some or an invasion of the body to others, and piercing often creates a more intimate experience between partners. From an artistic viewpoint, piercing allows the top creative expression; one can create different designs with needle configurations and shapes, colors, decorative ribbon, and other items. Imagine putting feathers in the hubs of the needles after they have been placed and transforming your bottom into a peacock.

Some bottoms use piercing as an adjunct to a scene involving medical play, other temporary body modification, or blood play, while others may do it solely for the sensation of being pierced and its accompanying endorphin rush. Endorphins are morphine-like substances originating from within the body—the body’s natural painkiller. Endorphins cause those feelings of exhilaration we get when we experience pain, stress, or excitement. When I pierce my own chest during a hook pull ritual, I get a sense of opening myself up on a deep level. Whether they are called chakras, loci, or meridians, different parts of the body hold special significance in certain spiritual beliefs and this can be accessed through piercing.

I took off my shirt and my bra and lay back on the bed. I was nervous, but he said he would walk me through it. I took a deep breath as he placed the first needle in my chest and exhaled as he pushed it through. I moaned in pleasure as the needle passed through my flesh. The adrenaline kicked in and I felt warm all over. My heart was racing. It made me feel beautiful. He kissed me deeply and caressed my body as I continued to moan and quiver. Sometimes physical pain is the best way to relieve emotional pain.

—MANDI

PIERCING SUPPLIES

Let’s talk about the supplies you need to work with needles in a scene. Ideally, you need a bottom to poke, but you could start on yourself if you like. Besides needles and cleanup supplies, you’ll need an understanding of basic anatomy and know how to prepare the skin, and you should know the medical history of the person you are piercing. Keep in mind that there are people out there who have needle phobias. They have an irrational fear of needles and will pass out in response to touching, being poked by, or even seeing needles. Trust me, it has happened in my classes.

When asking a partner about his or her medical history, find out if they have any allergies. Common allergies that pertain to needle work include allergies to latex and to iodine or shellfish. If the bottom has an allergy to latex, you will want to use nitrile or vinyl gloves. Should you encounter a shellfish/ iodine allergy, use a skin prep other than Povidone-iodine. Also inquire about bleeding disorders and the use of blood-thinning medications. These do not necessarily disqualify a person from having needles put into them, but you should take into consideration bruising and make sure any bleeding has stopped.

Skin Prep

In order to prepare the skin and decrease the risk of infection when using needles, you should use a skin prep solution. There are many types—some are more readily available, and some may be more cost effective. I personally like to use Chlorhexidine. However, any of the preparations discussed below will work; just be sure to follow the manufacturer’s directions for use as skin prep. Some of these come as a solution that you can apply with sterile gauze pads; some are also available as individually wrapped pads with the solution on them.

•
61% ethyl alcohol

Ethyl alcohol is commonly found in antibacterial hand soap; you can buy 61% solution at your local pharmacy.

•
Povidone-iodine

The most common brand name of this solution is Betadine, and it can be found in drugstores. If the bottom is allergic to shellfish or iodine,
do not use
Povidone-iodine. Note: this solution will temporarily discolor the skin.

•
70% isopropyl alcohol

This is the least expensive solution on the list and the easiest to find in drugstores; however, in medical studies, it’s also the least effective at killing bacteria found on the skin.

•
6% benzocaine with isopropyl alcohol 70%

The same as above, but this product also numbs the skin a little.

•
Chlorhexidine

Chlorhexidine comes in 2% or 4% concentrations or a 1% concentration combined with 61% ethyl alcohol. You can purchase these at your local pharmacy or from online medical suppliers.

Gloves

There are many types of gloves out there, but I tend to use nitrile gloves because they are latex free and I can get them in purple. Purple is the color of the hanky for piercing, should you wish to do any flagging. I find latex gloves more stretchy and easier to put on. Nitrile and vinyl gloves, though latex free, are harder to put on, especially if your hands get moist from sweating or if you are changing gloves frequently. You may find that some bottoms react poorly to the sight of blood. Black gloves are available, often used by tattoo artists and piercing shops, that decrease the visibility of blood on the gloves, should things get a little messy. For you folks who are all into the “black look,” these would enhance your wardrobe.

Cleanup Supplies