The Ultimate Guide to Kink (24 page)

No matter what you tie your lover to—a bed, table, steering wheel, or tent stakes—make sure you’ve got the means to release your willing prey easily and quickly. This is also a great time for both of you to be ready to use a safeword or gesture in case of fear, pain, or emergency.

But you don’t need “stuff” to keep someone where you want him. The craving to be physically controlled can be managed by placing your knees, hands, feet, and body onto your lover in strategic positions. Avoid joint-to-joint pressure (for instance, your knees on his wrists); aim rather for the more muscular and meatier parts of the body, such as forearms and thighs. Using your legs, knees, and feet to press on him frees up your hands to slap, punch, fuck, stroke, or get busy with a dildo and harness. And don’t limit yourself to the bedroom: there are perfectly good walls, floors, picnic tables, trees, bathroom stalls, and movie seats aching for your play.

And finally, one of the most powerful methods of restraint doesn’t use any physical means at all. It’s your voice. “Keep that pretty mouth open.” “I don’t want to see you looking at me.” “Good boy, you’re sitting exactly where I left you.” When both people are into it, this is intoxicating.

Hair Pulling

Weave your hand into a fist in the hair underneath the back of the head. Hold and pull by the roots. Grabbing any other part of the hair can cause the hair to rip from the scalp, causing distracting, undesired pain. You can lead your lover where you want her by this technique. If the receiver is on top, this is a great way to tip your willing prey back to fuck deeply. Use caution; don’t jerk the neck or head.

Spitting

In some cultures, spitting is seen as the deepest of insults. Regardless of where you live, spitting saliva on or at someone is disgusting at worst or humiliating at best. Yes, I said at best. There are lots of people whose kink has them hungry to be objectified, humiliated, and degraded
in a sexy context
. Desiring this is not a mark of low self-esteem as long as the parties involved don’t let this dynamic leak into nonsex situations. Spitting on or getting spit in the face, on the chest or breasts, or in the mouth are the definition of sexy to more people than you might imagine. Sometimes simply
because
it is considered so unacceptable, the shock of this unpredictable act can cement a sought-after power dynamic into place.

Some folks use saliva as lube—forget it. It dries up quickly and does nothing for the receiver. It might work to ease some friction for a hand job on a penis or dildo, but that’s about where its usefulness ends. Saliva itself is not known to carry HIV. It is possible, however, to transmit STIs if there is blood in the saliva due to cuts or sores in the mouth.

As with every other sex activity in this book, don’t knock it if you’ve never tried it. You never know…

Rough Blow Jobs

Blow jobs on a cock or dildo can be filthy hot and can be used in rough sex in endless ways. For example:

• Steer his head by his hair as he sucks your dick. Lift his mouth off you to spit on his face, kiss his pretty mouth, slap his face, tell him how good a job he’s doing, what a worthless whore he is and not worth the money you’ve given him. Let him breathe as you gently stroke his face. Rinse and repeat.

• Pin her head against the wall or floor, or tell her to lie on her back, her head draped over the side of the bed. Fuck her face. Make her masturbate at the same time.

• Bind him to a chair by his hands and feet, legs spread wide. Suck his cock, bringing him almost to climax but not quite. Let him squirm against the butt plug.

• Put a butt plug in your ass and another one in his and because you both love to share, suck each other off simultaneously.

Deep Throat

Sometimes considered the holy grail by both the giver (the sucker) and receiver (the suckee), taking someone’s cock fully in your mouth down to the balls is definitely hot, both physically and visually. It’s also not always physiologically possible. The length, shape, and thickness of the cock or dildo and how wide the jaw can open are important considerations. To avoid gagging, drop the back of your palate as if your throat was yawning. Can’t or don’t want to take that big thing in your mouth? Wrap one hand around the base of the shaft and push your mouth down only far enough to meet your hand. This is a great visual, it jerks him off at the same time, and the giver only takes what she can in her throat. Winners, all.

Some people like to gag; they really get off on the gagging sounds, seeing the tears from the giver’s eyes as the air is choked out of him, and the long threads of spit and mucus that trail from the head of a cock when a gagger’s mouth is pulled back and off the cock. One fetish includes making the giver vomit as well.

Biting

I love kissing and biting. Gently, sweetly, firmly, menacingly. I love to bite the tongue, the lips—both inside and outside. I love to run my open mouth against the sides and top of my lover’s head—teeth pressing firm and solid. I love to bite the cheeks and neck, back, calves, feet—anything, everything—forcing my lover to wonder, shuddering, what I might do next. I love to find a wide part of flesh, and slowly close my lips and mouth and press my teeth deep, not hard enough to break skin—but just enough to leave my mark.

You’d think our mouths only had tongues, lips, and gums when it comes to sex. Let’s change that.

Teeth are toys you carry with you all the time. Nipping, nibbling, teeth dragging, and lots of variations of biting can be part of your sex vocabulary. Hold off on the slurping, lip smacking, or steady chewing—trust me, not so sexy. As with all other techniques I’ve discussed, start gently. The more you warm up someone’s flesh, the longer and perhaps deeper they will be able to go. The longer you maintain the bite, the more pain is registered. The smaller the area of skin that is pressed between the teeth, the more painful it is. Givers, be random yet conscious of what, where, and how you bite. Receivers: Ask your lover to bite you. Pay attention to how much you can receive and where it feels best, and don’t be bashful about telling your partner when something feels wonderful or horrid.

Biting can mark or break the skin, leaving teeth marks and bruises. Unless you and your partner are fluid-bonded—you are aware of each other’s HIV and STI test results and agree to exchange bodily fluids—don’t draw blood. This isn’t about vampirism (though that’s a sexy fetish, for sure). Any STI that can be transmitted through blood can be transferred through biting. Even kissing carries risks of infection, including hepatitis A, hepatitis B, and herpes.

It’s pretty common for biting and sucking to go together, aka biting with hickeys. Check in about marks before or during your sex tumble; a few simple words (“Are marks okay?”) usually will do the trick. But remember, once the adrenalin and endorphins kick in, it’s easy to get “sex-stupid” and say yes to everything. Have the “marks” chat before or early in the game. If you don’t know that marks are okay, avoid leaving them. And, right, there are no guarantees. Just make sure either that your partner doesn’t have that family beach reunion tomorrow or that he wants to wear the memory of your chompers with pride.

Full-mouth biting is sensuous personified. Very light can tickle, very heavy can be excruciating. Find meaty or soft spots like arms, breasts, pecs, the back of the neck, and the ass. Use extra awareness and caution with the side of the neck (those tendons can hurt in that bad way), taut muscles, bone, the genitals, the inner thighs, and the face.

Finally, biting doesn’t have to hurt but it can—a lot. Each of us has a different pain threshold. Watch your partner, and if it is your wont, play on the edge of what she can take. If she says stop, you stop. Use a safeword. Here are some ideas:

• Drag your teeth across the shoulder, thigh, belly, back, breast, top of head (hair and all), butt. Vary the speed and depth of the drag.

• Bite slowly and repeatedly in the same place, building tension and depth.

• Open your mouth wide and press it against the meaty flesh of your choice (back, belly, ass). Slowly sink your teeth in. Close your mouth slowly and steadily, pressing, gripping, and holding. You can let off the pressure, but don’t release the bite. You can also gently shake your head, as a lion shakes its kill. Your partner will swoon, ache, throb, squirm. Your goal isn’t necessarily to inflict pain but to cause such out-of-the-ordinary, exquisite sensations that his head begins to pop off.

• Some people love biting genitals or having theirs bitten; others might haul off and smack you one or call you a cab, so go lightly at first. The labia, balls, and shaft of the penis are very sensitive; even more sensitive are the clitoris and the head of the penis. Use your front teeth and gently press on any of these tender bits of flesh, not fully closing. Then close and release. Or while holding this tender flesh between your teeth, run or flick your tongue against your lucky victim.

Rough Hand Sex

There are many things we get to do with our hands when getting rough during sex: penetrate, pinch, slap, punch, flick, stroke, scratch, rub, smack, knead, press, and so on. Like your teeth, your hands are always with you and can be two of the most versatile sex toys (along with that other gorgeous one throbbing in your skull). You can use your fingers and hands for vaginal and anal penetration, fisting, hand jobs, and more. These are just a few ways to include your fingers and hands in sex. Using latex or nonlatex gloves and lube are sure ways to make any kind of penetration less susceptible to infection and disease transmission, and will do wonders to give a smooth ride to the receiver.

Set the stage by talking about your intentions before you get busy. Check in verbally with simple words, without cockiness or worry: “I want to fuck you hard with my hand, okay? It’s so okay to say no, my precious slut.” Once you get the go-ahead, don’t stop paying attention to your lover, but
now
, take what you want. Watch and listen to your lover’s reactions.

For vaginal penetration, start slowly, watching and listening to your lover. (Use lube as needed.) Keep checking in periodically. Once her body is as full or almost as full as is comfortable, move your fingers in and out, building speed and intensity. Go slowly, just don’t let go of the intensity—the feeling of doggedness and hunger on your part can be a huge turn-on for your partner. You can fuck long, deep, and hard or short, fast, and hard—combine these in various ways. Curl your fingers toward the navel and stimulate the G-spot. With one hand penetrating the vagina, the other hand is free to cause other delicious trouble—choking, slapping, squeezing breasts and nipples. Throw in some mouth action too: sucking or biting her belly, breasts, and cunt. Slowly increase the intensity and speed of your thrusts. (Thrusting intensity and speed are separate things.) Remember, if you’re fucking a vagina, pounding the cervix (located at the back of the vagina) can be a painful experience. Be ready to shift positions if your partner tells you it hurts.

When fucking your partner’s ass with your hand—even if you’re “raping” them—you
must
use lube. Spit does not count—end of story. The ass cannot make its own lubrication, and if not treated properly the thin skin of the rectum can tear easily, making both receiver and giver susceptible to bacteria and STIs. Plus, no lube equals bad pain. Start slowly with one or two fingers or a small toy with a condom on it, and build larger as his body allows. Once his body is as full or almost as full as is comfortable, move your fingers in and out, building speed and intensity. Tell him that you own that hole. You can fuck long, deep, and hard or short, fast, and hard. The common element is hard—this is rough sex, after all. Curl your fingers toward the navel and stimulate the G-spot or the P-spot (prostate).

And receivers of anal sex? You think just because you like rough sex your ass is supposed to hurt and feel ripped open? No—really no. Don’t use poppers or numbing creams—if it hurts, tell your partner to slow down or stop. Bad pain sucks. It also makes you “ass shy” for future anal romps. Remember, rough sex means
more
communication and negotiation—not less. Tell him his junk is too damned big—and he should take it up his own damned ass if he thinks it’s so damned easy.

Fingers and Mouth Play

Putting your fingers in someone’s mouth can be unspeakably sexy. It’s also a great way to objectify someone and make them feel deliciously used by you for your sexual gratification. Bend two or three fingers into her mouth, press your thumb onto her chin or under her jaw, and grab hold. Move her head to the position you want it—a better angle to kiss you, to put your nipple, cock, or cunt in her mouth, to slap her face, etc. Have him suck your fingers as if they were your cock. Instruct him to open his mouth and keep it open. Insert two, three, four, or even five fingers into the waiting mouth and “fuck” his face with your hand. Try this in a variety of positions. While penetrating her from behind with dildo and harness or penis, pull her hair by the roots to arch her back, bringing her head toward you. Insert your hand and fuck her face this way. Be sure you judge how deep you want your fingers to go—the head tipped back makes for a more narrow space in her throat; if gagging is not your and her thing, be careful to not push too hard or deep.

Slapping

Being on the receiving end of slapping makes me feel very, very small and submissive. It is the single fastest way to get me into a bottom head space. I get very quiet, inside and out. At the same time, whether it’s because I’m wired this way or because I now associate the two activities (slapping and sex), I get aroused.