The Ultimate Guide to Kink (23 page)

COMMUNICATION AND NEGOTIATION

I love when you, my lover, let me be small—yes,
let
me—because I know you will respect me and my limits, hold me, without judgment, keep me safe. We think each other the hottest things on two feet (we tell each other so often—and not just in bed). So even when, during sex, you are calling me names, or fucking me so hard, or pushing me to take more, you know it’s exactly what I crave. Thank God we’ve talked about this so often. I love your ferocity and won’t let you hurt me in ways I don’t want to be hurt. Please, take care of everything for a while; know where we are driving. Yes, I will help pay for gas, help you decide the route, but
you
drive and I will let go.

I’m hungry to keep you safe and hold you strong. Push you to see that you are mighty and tender and can take yourself even further than you ever thought you could. I have told you countless times how I adore you and think you are breathlessly sexy, and you too tell me that I’m crazy hot so we don’t need to do that now. During sex I may call you names or hold you down; we’ve talked about all of this already. I know it makes you weak with need—hell, me too. I can give you sensations that rough up your brain and release endorphins. And you can know that I’m driving. Trust that I know where we are going or at least when we need a rest stop. And though I’m holding the wheel, I don’t for a minute stop glorying at the scenery. And you—you can let go.

It doesn’t matter if you are hooking up for a night or a lifetime,
the one non-negotiable element is permission
—getting it and respecting it.

If you’re on the receiving end of rough play, remember that you are not a passive vessel. If you want something harder, faster, slower, started or stopped—tell your lover. “Oh god, yes!” counts as feedback. So does “Ow, stop, wait. Damn, that’s big. Let’s try this, baby.” You are not timid or imperfect for speaking up. On the contrary, you are proving yourself to be a trusted lover who is committed to having connected, hot sex. Nothing changes unless you make it change. And though it looks as if the person who is meting out the roughness is in power, that is just the opposite of what’s happening. The one being roughed up is the one who has the final word about what does and doesn’t happen.

If you’re doling out the rough play, you are not a fucking machine, aiming to please only yourself or your lover. Start slowly, building up and discovering your own and your partner’s desire and tolerance for more intensity. If you go from zero to 60 in no time flat, your lover may not be able to keep up, or be interested in it. Someone giving herself to you is a gift; take your time discovering what’s inside. This does not mean that a slow buildup is an “always” rule. Sometimes, you need to throw someone against a wall and take what you want. Pinning his hands to his side, you clamp down on his neck with your mouth and bite—long and hard. Sometimes, while his cock is in you, you reach your arms up and pound his back with your fist as he growls and leans down to kiss you. But you know jumping into it at full speed is right for both of you because together you have experimented, talked, and listened with clarity and respect.

“Now That I Know, How Do I Get What I Want?”

All relationships, whether you’ve been together 10 minutes or 10 years, have radically different histories of experience, trust, and disappointment, but the basics of getting clear, brave, and open are the same. Do you know what it is you want? Have you articulated specific activities to yourself? Have you experienced things with a previous lover that you want with this partner? It’s okay to have only a sense of what you want—just remember that your partner can’t know till you know. Getting what you want in any avenue of life involves risk. You and your sex are worth it. Over a drink, on a walk, or on the subway, say a thing or two that you love about your sex or sensuality together. Say something you want to try. You can also (but you don’t have to) have a lengthy talk or write a list of what you want or don’t want.

Talking can be sexy—sometimes simply introducing the idea unlocks the taboo door. “I love it when I’m going down on you and you hold my head exactly where you want it—not letting me move around a lot.” Or “Remember that scene in the movie where he pushed her against the car, slapped her face, and then kissed her? Oh my God, that was hot.” Bring home erotica or porn with stories or images that turn you on. Share it with your lover on a date. Ask what she thinks about when she masturbates. Tell her what you think about too.

Talk a little, fuck a lot, talk some more. Be ready to use your words during your sex—this is where the other part of the conversation can happen. You pin him down, sitting on his belly, and bite his nipple slow and hard. Pause, ask, “Is this okay? You like it? You feel so good under me.”

It’s important to realize, however, that new lovers can’t rely solely on during-sex talk—ego and fear of rejection or disapproval easily skew communication. Even if you’ve been together a long time, you’re still (or sometimes more) susceptible to the challenges of being clear and accurate about needs and wants during sex. Longtime lovers’ dynamics may be so engrained that in-bed talk proves to be insufficient. Maybe you’ve been together a while and you want your sex to be less predictable and more primal. She’s a great lover, but you feel that something’s missing. Maybe it’s a general attitude shift you ache for. Lots of people want their partners to be more domineering—run the show, make decisions, be more aggressive. Other folks want to turn the tables on what have become established roles. How lovers discuss potentially thorny topics (politics, finances, family, etc.) is generally how they will approach talking about sex; the more skilled the communicators, the better the sex.

The more you know what you want, the easier it is to put it out there. However, if you have a narrow set of ideas that
must
happen or a specific script that
must
be followed, you cut your partner out of the decision-making process. Stay open to ideas and changes. Start by talking about what turns you on about your partner’s body, her sex responses, and your sex together. Yes, talking so specifically about sex can feel risky and vulnerable. This becomes further compounded when you articulate your desire for taboo or aggressive sex; it’s intellectually and emotionally confusing to crave this with the same person you hold to be solid and safe.

Watch. Listen. Talk.

“Let’s get real—talking does
not
equal spontaneity.”

Are you someone who believes that rough sex means just going for it? I get it. Going for it is
hot
. Theoretically. Suppose you serve a beautiful candlelit dinner complete with soufflé to your date only to discover she’s allergic to eggs. You worked hard but you both end up feeling kinda crappy—and hungry. The ambience is still wonderful, but had you (even briefly) talked about what food you eat and love, the feasting might have lasted long into the night. Or you meet at a party, you talk, you flirt, you lean in and say, “I want to slam into you, bring you to your knees, and make you forget there’s a god” and your prey looks at you, smiling, and holds out his hand to you. (a) You’re a lucky dog. (b) You two just communicated a common desire. You talked. And it’s still spontaneous.

Without any kind of preliminary talk, if you just “go for it” you might get your rocks off, but will you please your lover? Will you hurt your lover? How will you know? If both of you don’t care (though determining this is difficult at best), more power to you—really, I support this fully. Hopefully there won’t be any physical or emotional fallout later.

Most people, however, do care how each other feels. But if you ask your date
during
your passionate sex if he wants and likes what’s going on, you might not get a truthful answer, out of shyness or reluctance to offend. With new lovers especially, once the action gets hot, fair and equal negotiation is harder to come by, especially on the first or second date. (Hell, it’s hard enough with long-term lovers.) Each of you is trying to impress and suss out the other, bringing your best game and sexiest moves; nerves mar perception. The power imbalance exists—and it’s tipped toward the one who’s doing the roughing up. Even willing participants have tough times speaking up if something is going awry; no one wants to be seen as a prude or a wimp. A little talk before you get busy can change all that.

And you know what? Right now you can commit to speaking honestly and simply and not accusatorily about what you want and don’t want. Owning your stuff—figuring out how to communicate—frees us in every aspect of our lives. Do it—you don’t have to live anything but a shiny, bold life.

ROLES, CHANGE, AND CONFIDENCE

Let’s say you want to be submissive but your partner isn’t confident or comfortable in a dominating role. What to do? Is your partner into the idea but doesn’t know where to start? Have you brought it up in the past and it’s fallen flat? You might have a good idea of what your submissive role looks and sounds like—maybe you’ve fantasized about it often enough that you have a specific sexy script or two. This is perfect for masturbation but not always successful for coupling up. Tell your partner you want to explore her being more dominating.
Some
specifics are needed and then the parlay begins.

Experimentation works far better than expectations. She doesn’t need to run out and buy a big flogger or have you kneeling tonight and calling her Mistress (though she might). Instead, the two of you come up with a list of what the action might look like, including your fantasies. Start simple—she sits on top of you and pins your arms to your sides with her knees, not letting you touch her or her cunt. Keep it playful. Though there is no guarantee your partner will ever be as dominant as you fantasize or will wield sexual power over you in the ways your fantasies map out, there is no guarantee that she won’t either. Stay open—surprise each other.

Perhaps your partner has asked you to take on a role you don’t usually take. First, ask yourself, do you
want
to take on the role? Or is this solely your partner’s desire? If indeed you want to try a new role or position, keep your mind open as to what it might be. Is it a generic positioning (I want you to dominate me) or is it a specific role (you’re the school principal and I’m the troublemaker student). If your partner, say, wants you to initiate and dominate when you have mostly been the receiver or equal, talk with her—get details and examples. The fact that you’re already talking about it means you’re off to a good, sexy start. The fantasy in your partner’s head can help, but it can also hinder if she is too attached to the specifics and trying to fit you to them. If parts of the description resonate with you, start with one or two actions and weave them into your sex. If a role feels too cookie-cutter or stereotyped and doesn’t ring true for you, neither of you may get much pleasure from it.

Take five minutes on your own and (yep, corny) write down everything you think of when you imagine that role. Don’t edit. You might find laughter or goofiness on that list. Leave a sex toy, panties, or other piece of clothing with instructions for your lover. Email, text, IM, snail mail, write notes, or Skype your provocative invitations. Whatever resonates in you is where you begin your exploration of any new role. Let it grow and morph from there. If and when you get stuck, write as often as it’s useful. And whatever else you uncover, remember that desire and consent are the cornerstones of all rough sex.

ACTIVITIES, IDEAS, AND TECHNIQUES

You’ve talked, you’ve fantasized, you’ve plotted and conspired. Now what? Some activities that meet under the large umbrella that is rough sex include: face slapping, biting, hitting, pushing, pounding penetration, denying touch or orgasm, spitting, punching, spanking, gagging, name calling, and bondage. Folks also like to control-kiss, choke, and push or shove a bottom down on the bed, slam a bottom against a wall, pinch nipples, balls, and labia, grab and squeeze thighs/ ass/upper arms/wrists, pull hair, force a bottom’s face into a pillow, control breathing, talk smut, rip off clothing, and claim “ownership” of someone. Here are some delicious tips, ideas, techniques, and safety precautions you can incorporate into your rough sex play.

Restraining Your Lover

It’s a huge turn-on when a guy is pinning you down and you can just tell how bad he wants you. When it gets to that point where it feels like if you don’t get that person you’re seriously going to die on that bed, it’s hot. It’s needing someone in a really different way. And it’s insanely hot when you can see a guy feeling that way. Even if it’s only sex—not love or commitment or anything like that. It’s all about that moment. And the only thing he wants is you and he is seriously rabid to have you.

—Chasing the Jersey
¹

Tied spread-eagled to a headboard. Hands holding down arms. Pinned against a crumbling alley wall. Struggling to get free. Bondage and restraints. Our fantasies and sex are filled with all that and more. Luckily, this book has a chapter by Midori on how to do bondage and do it well. Let’s just touch on a just a few elements of restraint.

For all the reasons why rough sex is so prevalent and hot, the taboo desire to be held captive, without control or knowledge of what might happen to you, engages us just as fiercely. To deny someone (or to be denied of) something you really want, when you know you will get it sooner or later, can be sweet torture. Especially when the prize is sex.

Scarves, ties, rope, chain, leather belts, stockings, bedsheets—the materials that can be used to bind a lover are as endless as your imagination. Some are better than others, however. Silk scarves, though sensuous, knot quickly, easily, but are hell to unknot. Cheap handcuffs close further than they should and often get stuck. (Plus, “Oh my God! Where’s the key?” is the last thing you want to hear.) Both of these kinds of restraints can dig into wrists and ankles and cut off circulation; they should be avoided. If you do use scarves or other fabric to bind wrists or ankles, have medical or bandage scissors ready—they have a flat side intended to slide between the bind and the skin without hurting while cutting the bind. If you use handcuffs, pin the key(s) on a nearby bulletin board, curtain, or door frame; don’t leave them on the bedside table.