The Whole Lesbian Sex Book (21 page)

And over time, your sexual partnership—in fact, your whole relationship—will deepen and grow as you enjoy a sexual connection that feels truly alive.

Difference ≠ Incompatibility

You and your partner may have perfectly matching sexual interests (you like fisting and she likes to get fisted; she dislikes being penetrated vaginally and you don’t care one way or the other about strapping it on). Or not—you could find yourself in a relationship with someone whose turn-ons do not mesh with yours.

How does this happen? For starters, you probably did not discuss your likes and dislikes early on. You didn’t know how to bring up the subject—you didn’t want to hurt her feelings, and you didn’t have the vocabulary to get down to the nitty-gritty.

Sexual compatibility wasn’t high on your list. (Did you have a list?) Having fallen for your new lover, you assumed the rest would work itself out. Perhaps you thought that sex would get better over time.

(It
is
possible to have chemistry without compatibility. Just because you feel like a tomcat in heat whenever she walks into the room does not mean that she will satisfy you sexually over time.)

“But sex isn’t all there is to a relationship,” you may say. True. Yet once you find yourself living with sexual frustration, you may realize it’s more important than you thought.

Even if your desires complement one another perfectly now, in time you may discover sexual needs that weren’t apparent in the first blush of sexual heat. You may be happy being sexually exclusive now; but having been polyamorous in the past, will you someday want to invite new sexual partners into your life? You may be in agreement on this point, but what about who those new partners will be? How often will you spend the night with your other partners, what activities will you share, and where? Can you invite her former fuck buddy home for a romp in the play room? Can she invite her new crush into your bed? On your vacation?

What if your lover dislikes your favorite turn-on—or likes something that leaves you cold? How do you negotiate differences in sexual interests? Over time you may discover new turn-ons. If you are committed to trying new sexual activities together, there’s no guarantee you’ll both like the same things.

Differences in sexual interest do not necessarily indicate incompatibility—in fact, your differences are a priceless resource. It may be the
frisson
that makes those sparks fly.

Take advantage of all the erotic possibilities your differences may offer. Your partner may request activities you never considered trying, and working that out may open you to new possibilities that will enrich your erotic life. Your sexual tastes, frequency, and range of interests will broaden as you try on those of your partners.

My most recent partners have put vocabulary to my sexual “deviancies.” I always thought I was a redneck conservative, but it actually turns out, I’m a fairly kinky woman.

As we teach them what pleases us, we learn, too.

When I first wanted to explore strap-on sex, my girlfriend barely knew harness from dildo. It really forced me to get past my shyness and vocalize my desires.

What at first may seem like an accommodation may prove to be revelatory. Not all of us were born knowing our kinks. Not all of us played bondage games with the neighborhood kids.

That’s how I came to be such a dirty S/M pervert. It was a critical part of a partner’s sexuality, and I stretched myself to do more of the things that didn’t necessarily come naturally to me. I’m grateful to her for the learning experience. I have a richer and fuller sex life now because of experimenting with her. Same with my current partner and her love of anal sex.

Circumstances may force you to be inventive—and what you invent you may find you like.

My girlfriend and I share a room in a women-only university dorm, and the walls are paper-thin, so we’ve learned how to be quiet while still letting each other hear breathy moans. The combination of our silence-enforced sex and virtually no free time means that we try to use every free day as a holiday, and sometimes check ourselves into a hotel for a night or two, just so we can be noisy and wild.

A common symptom of my chronic health problem is loss of desire, so I have been working really hard to not have that be a symptom of mine. Also, it helps that I went five years without good sex and now I’m making up for lost time.

My girlfriends have always responded really well to the fact that I take the TIME to plan something special for them regardless of whether it was a romantic, sensual or hot, rip-off-the-clothes-in-the-hallway kind of affair. Preparation has really kept my sexual relationships alive.

I’m a feast-or-famine lover. I tend to gorge myself on sex for a week or so and then a couple of weeks can go by with little sexual activity. I’m distracted and temporarily sated. Then I start feeling deprived and the marathon begins again. I think my partner would like sex more consistently. She teases when I go into feast mode because then I can do it anytime, anywhere…. Sometimes, I like a time-limited self-imposed famine. We can only kiss or hug platonically. Then, we want each other like we did when we first got together.

I have a disability due to arthritis and trauma, and I find that I am not as flexible as I once was. I have adapted, use more pillows in different ways, so it is not much of a barrier. I got a sling to hold my legs up because that is my preferred position.

I have a serious blood disorder, which means I have to watch my physical exertion level, so marathon sex is out of the realm of possibility for me. But my girlfriend is quite understanding about the whole thing; we joke about how I need “commercial breaks” before returning to wild monkey sex.

It’s scary to rock the boat. But to get what you need, you’ll have to find the courage to talk to your partner. This is a conversation requiring good communication skills (see “Talk Talk Talk” in chapter 7, Communication and Finding Sex Partners). It will help to be both specific
and
tactful.

Do you have a vague sense that your sex life is missing the mark? Or is there some essential ingredient missing? Role play? BDSM? Is it an activity you enjoyed in the past—or one you’ve got an itch to try?

Here are some suggestions for negotiating differences in sexual interests:

•
Make it hot.
How deliciously can you describe your fantasy of wrists bound to bedpost and wax searing your skin as it drips from the candle held in your lover’s gloved hand? (“Baby, you never want to tie me up” is not much of an invitation.)

•
Be creative.
Call on one of your partner’s turn-ons to make your desire work for her. “My girlfriend wouldn’t go down on me—I mean, not for love or money—until I ordered her to get on her knees. She loves it when I get toppish on her.”

•
Give her time.
If she’s never considered play piercing, don’t put her on the spot. She honestly may not know whether she’d like it or not. Pressed for a response, she may err on the side of no rather than yes. “Eventually she comes round. She just needs time to get used to the idea, and watching other women helps.”

•
Educate her.
Bring home a video, take her to a play party, offer her an erotic story—with all the pertinent parts underlined.

•
Be curious.
Rather than respond to her reluctance with judgment, disappointment, or irritation, muster your curiosity. Who is this person? Where do her feelings come from? What makes her tick? What is she trying to tell you?

What’s Holding You Back?

You may not think of yourself as adventurous, but you can be open to new experiences. Living relationships aren’t fixed in plaster. They breathe, they change, they are flexible.

You even may find that accommodating your partner can work to your advantage:

My partner likes me to wear a harness and strap on, but it doesn’t do much for me. I set a limit of once every 3 times, so if my partner is desiring penetration play then she has to initiate some “vanilla sex” to get the frequency up—and we both win.

You think your brand-new set of Fukuoku 9000 finger vibrators are your most excellent sexual asset? Think again. Curiosity and openness to exploration are what will make you a superb sexual partner:

Right now, I have a partner who wants me to explore anal sex and this has never come up for me before. In my typical fashion, I bought a book and am doing some reading and self-exploration to see if this is something I might reach some comfort with or, hopefully, desire for. I don’t have any great moral issue with it, I just haven’t had it as a need or desire. She is being really patient with me.

Not everyone will dive right into a new adventure. And even if you’re well experienced in the sexual arts, there are a lot of reasons you may be hesitant to pick up on your partner’s desires.

•
What if I don’t like it?
You may be afraid you’ll erupt with a resounding “ewwww!”—which will make your partner think twice about entrusting her precious desires to you in the future.

•
You want what!?
You may simply not understand your partner’s desire. (OK, you understand that she wants you to put a 6-inch acrylic plug in her butt—but you don’t get
why
she wants that.)

•
Why do I feel this way?
You may be utterly confused about your feelings. Your immediate reaction may be one of strangeness or even revulsion. It’s not comfortable to look at things that disturb us and that we don’t understand.

•
What if I’m no good at it?
Why expect yourself to be smooth with an activity you’ve never tried?

•
I just can’t see her as a Top.
Are you OK with the activity—but not with this particular partner? (Are you willing to be convinced?)

•
What if I bust up laughing?
Uh-huh. Think you’ll feel ridiculous with a silicone dildo strapped to your pelvis? Can’t imagine pulling off a repairman-and-housewife role-play scenario? Well, maybe you
will
fall into a heap of giggles—maybe she will, too, and you’ll have a wonderful (albeit not-so-sexy) time together. Having gotten the giggles out of your system, next time you may collapse in a heap of sexual exhaustion instead.

•
What if she changes?
Well, she may be changing—in fact, she may be undergoing a profound transformation in gender or sexual identity. Or she may be revealing to you a part of herself she has never shown to anyone before. She may also just want to dress up and fuck you silly, OK?

•
That’s just wrong!
Do you think that lesbians shouldn’t like penetration, watch gay male porn, engage in age-related role play, or fantasize about having a penis? What judgments like these do you hold for yourself? How much sexual delight are these ideas costing you?

•
This freaks me out.
Are you fearing abandonment if this doesn’t work out? Do you feel jealous (or fear you’ll feel jealous)? Are you in competition with your partner?

•
This makes me feel icky.
Anal sex, age play, inflicting or enjoying pain or humiliation are taboo. They may also be associated with a history of shame, particularly for survivors of sexual abuse and other trauma. Naturally, you don’t want to do something that makes you feel that horrible coating of shame you’ve worked so hard to be rid of. But on the other hand, investigating (not reenacting) that shame—and the turn-ons that trigger it—can empower you sexually. (See “Facing and Healing Triggers of Sexual Trauma,” below.)

Remind yourself that your fulfillment will come from opening, frustration from closing in. That doesn’t mean saying yes to everything; it does mean considering the possibility that you might be OK with something new.

Low Libido High Libido One Libido No Libido

You can have an active sex life even if one or both of you is experiencing diminished libido. Maintaining an erotic exchange is especially challenging when you just don’t feel very sexual. What’s important is that you share sex as a value in your relationship—and are both willing to take action to generate sexual desire.

I could fill a chapter with myriad reasons for lost libido: pregnancy, perimenopause, menopause, clinical depression, trauma, grief, illness, medication all can be named as culprits. If you know the specific source of a downward change in your libido, attend to that. (See “Nurture Your Libido” in chapter 2, Desire and Fantasy, and “Sexual Response Over a Lifetime” in chapter 3, Anatomy and Sexual Response.)

Don’t use low libido as a free pass—“I’m perimenopausal” is not a reason to opt out of life. Here’s one woman’s can-do response to shifts in her partner’s libido during menopause:

First, we discussed it without whining, yelling, or accusing. We talked about how we felt. It was an eye opener for both of us. Second, I bought lube for those limited times when she was in the mood. It’s amazing how it helped. Third, we spoke to our gynecologist. She recommended a limited dosage of testosterone. These days it comes in a patch. Fourth, I stopped pressuring. I was amazed that taking the pressure off her allowed for more touching. Sometimes that touching turned into wonderful sex. Fifth, I read erotica to her every once in a while. (I kept the lube close by.) I’m not saying that we are at the same level that we were when we first met, but things have improved substantially.
⁶