The Year Everything Changed (21 page)

“No, of course not.” She said it knowing if she were still living at home she would look because she’d find it impossible not to. “I’m sorry about ruining tonight.”

“I don’t want you to be sorry.” The words were darts thrown with piercing emphasis. “I want you to think about how ready you are to listen to your father and forgive him, and I want you to give me a little of that consideration, too.” A minute passed and then another before he slammed a hand against the steering wheel. “Do you honestly believe that when I’m not with you I’m out there looking for another soccer mom to fuck?”

“Don’t yell at me.” Jeff rarely raised his voice, and never to her or the kids.

“Well, do you?”

“She had to mean something to you. It’s the kind of man you are. You wouldn’t fuck someone you didn’t care about. And you don’t stop caring just because you got caught.”

“If I wanted her, if I believed for a minute that being with her would bring me one-tenth the happiness I had with you, a tenth the love I still have for you, all I would have to do is pick up the phone and she’d be here. She doesn’t love her husband, she hasn’t for a long time. She went back to him for the sake of the kids.

“Think about it, Rachel. With the ten million you’re going to be getting, we could set up split custody—the summer with me, the rest of the year with you. I could move to Michigan and not have this back-and-forth weekend crap to contend with. But I’m not. I’m staying here. I’m doing everything I can to make it as easy on you and Cassidy and John as possible.
What more can I do?
 ”

She looked down at her hands, at the harvest moon cresting the Oakland hills, at the lights in houses they passed, anywhere but at Jeff. “Give me time,” she said softly.

“I told you I’d give you as much time as it takes. The rest of my life if necessary.”

Jeff crested the hill and dropped down into the back side of Orinda, headed for her apartment. Ten minutes later he pulled into her parking area and turned the key on the Range Rover. He put his arm out the window and stared straight ahead, the tension brittle between them. “You want to come by for the kids, or do you want me to drop them off?”

“I’ll get them. Is nine okay?”

“Fine. Cassidy has a game at ten. John has to be at Jason’s by two-thirty. His mom is taking them to the movie and pizza. I told her I’d pick him up around seven.”

“I can do that.”

“You don’t know where they live.”

“So, tell me.”

“It’s just easier if—”

“Stop it, Jeff.” Less harshly she added, “You’re entitled to a night off. Take it.”

He stared at her. “And do what?”

“Whatever you like.”

“Right. I’ll do that.” He reached for the key. “I have to get back.”

She didn’t want the evening to end this way. “Walk me to the door?”

“You’re kidding.”

“Isn’t that what you do on a first date?”

He came around the car to open her door, waiting with his hands in his back pockets while she retrieved her keys. When the door was open he said, “I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Not so fast.”

“Now what? Why all the mixed signals, Rachel?”

“I’m trying, Jeff. It’s hard.” Standing on the step in front of him she was near his height, so it didn’t take anything but leaning forward to come within kissing distance. She gave him a chaste kiss, her lips together, her body inches from touching his. “Thank you. I had a wonderful time.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Are you going to call me? I’m free this Wednesday. Or next weekend would be okay, too.”

He frowned. “Are you serious?”

“As I recall, the kiss was better on our second date.” Tears welled but didn’t spill.

Now he smiled tenderly. “I don’t suppose there’s any way we could skip the second one and go straight to the third? As I recall, the kissing was even better then.”

She caught her breath in a sob. “I do love you, Jeff.”

“I know.” He brought her into his arms and held her for a long time. “We’ll find a way back,” he told her. “I promise I won’t stop trying until we do.”

Chapter Thirty-four
Elizabeth

“I’m pregnant.”

The words struck Elizabeth like a giant wave hitting a sand castle built too close to the shoreline. Her hands gripped the steering wheel, hanging on tight to something she could control. White-knuckled, she looked for a place to pull over but was trapped in the left lane in rush hour traffic.

She struggled to make sense out of something she desperately didn’t want to believe. “Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure,” Stephanie wailed. “Why else would I be here now?”

Elizabeth recoiled. “Look, I understand why you’re upset, but that doesn’t mean—”

“
Upset?
 ” Stephanie brought her foot up and propped it on the seat, wrapping her arms around her leg. “My life is over. Upset doesn’t begin to describe what I’m feeling.”

The only warning Stephanie had given that she was coming home was an email she’d sent that morning giving her flight time and asking to be picked up at the airport. Elizabeth’s attempts to call had gone straight to voice mail.

“How far along are you?” Elizabeth asked, reeling. How was she going to tell Sam? He’d be devastated.

“What difference does that make?”

“If you wanted rational questions, you shouldn’t have waited until now to tell me.”

“I wouldn’t have had to tell you anything if you’d sent the money I asked for.”

“I did send you money.”

“Not enough.” She propped her elbow on the door and stared at the passing cars.

Elizabeth had plainly failed as an intuitive mother, had been tried and found guilty in absentia. Somehow, in Stephanie’s mind, Elizabeth should have known that her daughter was in trouble, that this request for money wasn’t like the hundred others that had preceded it.

“You could have told me.” The traffic was still too congested to merge, the cars in the right lane either ignoring her signal or oblivious to it.

“I couldn’t. I was too embarrassed,” she admitted.

Elizabeth looked at her daughter. Stephanie’s chin trembled, tears spilled onto her cheeks. She was a little girl again, her heart broken, her mother expected to make the pain go away as she always had.

Frustrated beyond reason, Elizabeth swung into the turn lane and gunned the engine, shooting across the oncoming traffic and barely missing the rear bumper of a green Honda. She hit the curb and scraped the undercarriage on the concrete, then pulled into the nearest parking place and slammed on the brakes.

They sat in strained silence until Stephanie let out a low moan. “Everything is ruined. All of my plans. . . . My friends are going to graduate and go on without me. It’s not fair. I’ve worked so hard.”

Elizabeth waited.

“I tried to get an abortion, but I couldn’t go through with it.” She dug through her purse for a tissue. “It’s murder, Mom.”

“Where did that come from?” As far as Elizabeth knew, Stephanie had always believed in a woman’s right to choose.

“Sharon’s mother showed me some pictures of what my baby would look like when they took her from me. She said abortion was the one sin God couldn’t forgive and that I would burn in hell forever if I went through with it.”

Elizabeth was speechless with anger. What right did Sharon’s mother have to impose her dogmatic beliefs on Stephanie? She’d taken advantage of Stephanie when she was at her most vulnerable. “Why did you tell Sharon’s mother and not me?”

“I didn’t tell her. Sharon did.”

Elizabeth was torn between wanting to shake Stephanie and hug her. She waited until the hug won out and reached for her. Stephanie sobbed and laid her head on her mother’s shoulder. The tears turned messy with sniffs between the sobs. Elizabeth dug into the glovebox and handed Stephanie a napkin. “What about the father?” Elizabeth hadn’t even known Stephanie was seeing anyone.

Stephanie didn’t answer right away. She took time to wipe her eyes and blow her nose. Finally, the delaying tactics becoming obvious, she said, “What about him?”

“Have you told him?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

Stephanie shifted, avoiding eye contact. Finally, softly, she said, “It was a party. I was high. It happened. I don’t even like him, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t like me.” Her chin started trembling again. “Not exactly a foundation to build a relationship on or take care of a kid.”

“Oh, Stephanie. . . .” Crushing disappointment filled Elizabeth’s chest. She brought her daughter into her arms again. “Have you seen a doctor?”

“No.”

“Then how can you be sure you’re really pregnant?”

“Five pregnancy tests are a pretty good indication.”

“Then that’s the first thing we have to do.”

“Not Doctor Cummins. I can’t face her.”

“You’re pregnant, Stephanie.” Were those words really coming out of her mouth? “You’re going to be seeing a doctor for months. Don’t you want it to be someone you know?”

“Do I have to tell her? About the baby’s father, I mean.”

“She might ask you if there’s any reason for an amnio.” At Stephanie’s puzzled look, she added, “If there’s a genetic problem on his side of the family.”

“What do I tell her?”

“We’ll talk about that later.” They would come up with something, a way to put reason to an incredibly foolish mistake. “Right now we need to get you home and settled in.”

“What are you going to tell Dad?”

“The truth.” He was the one person she would not lie to about this, not even for Stephanie.

“You can’t. He’ll never understand. He’ll hate me.”

No, he wouldn’t understand. But he wouldn’t hate her. He would be upset and disappointed and feel the need for a dozen after-the-fact lectures. It would take him a day or two, but he would come around and deal with it in the same steady way he dealt with everything. “What did you have in mind to tell him?”

More tears. More sobbing.

Elizabeth mentally pulled back and stared at her daughter, the sage warning to be careful what you wished for echoing like a shout in a cave. Stephanie was home for the summer, and Elizabeth would give anything to have her back in New York calling to say what a wonderful time she was having. She leaned over to press a kiss to Stephanie’s cheek. “You’ll get through this. We’ll find a way. I promise.”

The words were the security blanket her daughter had come home to have wrapped around her. Snuggled into their comfort, Stephanie wiped her eyes and ran her hands through her thick, glistening auburn hair, righting her world. “I’m tired. Can we go home now?”

Elizabeth skipped the planned stop by the grocery store, settling on frozen corn instead of fresh, ice cream instead of strawberry shortcake, making do with what she had. She could stretch a meal for unexpected company, turning a single steak into Stroganoff for a crowd or salmon for two into fish tacos for half a dozen. She could dig through the bargain bin at a fabric store and come up with a prize-winning Halloween costume. She was Sam’s partner, his emotional support, his companion. She was a fierce, protective, loving mother who would give her life for her children without a second thought.

Knowing this, believing this, how could she be so upset with her youngest child, her beautiful daughter, for bringing her heartbreaking problem home and dumping it on her doorstep?

“Are you going to keep the baby?” Sam asked.

Elizabeth didn’t miss a step clearing the table, even though she felt as if someone had come up behind her and hit her in the knees.

“How can I?” Stephanie said. “What would I do with a kid? I still have school to finish, and then I have to find a job.” She gave her father a hopeful look, seeking approval and confirmation of the wisdom of what she was saying. “And it’s not like I wanted to get pregnant.”

Elizabeth busied herself at the sink. She didn’t want Sam or Stephanie to see how disturbed she was at the thought of a stranger taking her first grandchild, the baby she had dreamed would one day come into their lives to fill her heart and give her purpose again.

“Well, you have some time to think about it,” he said.

“I thought you would be mad.”

He took her hand in his. “What good would that do?”

“Are you disappointed in me?”

Stop pushing
, Elizabeth wanted to shout.
Give him a day or two to get used to the idea before you start asking for absolution
. But Sam surprised her.

“What would be the point? It’s done, Stephanie.” He passed a hand wearily over his face. “If there was a lesson to be learned from all this I would hope you learned it. If not, nothing I say is going to make any difference.”

“I’m sorry.” She was crying again.

“I know. And it isn’t fair. It took two of you to create this child, and only one will pay the consequences.”

“I just wish I could make it go away.”

“You can,” he said flatly.

“An abortion? Is that what you think I should do?”

Elizabeth looked at their reflections in the kitchen window. Stephanie was staring at Sam, her look almost hopeful.

“I can’t make that decision for you. I just want you to know that, whatever you decide, I—your mother and I—will support you.”

“You don’t believe it’s murder?”

“No.”

“A lot of people do.”

“And a lot of those same people believe in the death penalty. You can’t listen to the fanatics on either side, Stephanie. You’ve got to go with what’s in your own heart.”

“Could you do it?”

“You want something from me I can’t give you. It isn’t my body or my decision—it can’t be.”

Elizabeth had never loved him more than she did at that moment. Maybe someday Stephanie would realize the gift her father had given her, but now was too soon. Now it was enough to know she was home.

“I told Sharon I would call her when I got here,” Stephanie said, bringing an end to the conversation. “I’ll be in my room.”

“Wait—” Elizabeth said. “I know there’s no way to keep this from your grandmother forever, but I’d rather—”

“I know what you’re going to say, Mom. And don’t worry, I don’t want her to know about it either. I’ll check caller ID before I answer the phone, and if it’s her I’ll let the machine pick up.”

“What about Michael and Eric?” Sam asked.

“Do they have to know?” Stephanie said.

“Yes,” Elizabeth answered. “But we don’t have to tell them right away. We’ve got time.”

Stephanie nodded, fresh tears shimmering in her eyes. “I’m so sorry.”

“We’ll deal with it,” Sam said. “Now go make your phone call.”

When she was gone, Sam brought his glass to the sink. “Don’t you have class tonight?”

“I decided not to go.”

“Why not?”

“It’s her first night home.”

“And she’s in her room on the phone. She could be there all night.”

“I couldn’t concentrate anyway.” Tears she’d been holding back since Stephanie shared her news gripped her throat like a vise. “I can’t go off to school every day, living the life she had to give up.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m going to withdraw.” Before he could protest, she added, “Just this semester.”

He rinsed the glass and put it in the dishwasher. “She’s twenty-one, Lizzy—two years older than you were when we were married. You’d had Michael by the time you were her age. You’ve got to stop babying her and let her grow up.”

“Things are different now. Kids don’t grow up as fast as we did.”

“And whose fault is that?”

“You make it sound like it’s a bad thing.”

“Since when is arrested development a good thing?”

Now she was crying. She put her arms around him and burrowed her head into his neck. “I don’t want to fight with you. Not tonight.”

He pulled her closer. “Promise me you’ll think about this some more before you drop out.”

“I will.” It was an easy promise. She would think about what she was doing right up to the moment she did it. Stephanie needed her. Tough love would have to wait.