The Years After (22 page)

Entering her dorm room, she found Derek sitting on her bed with his feet planted on the floor before him. Studying his shoes, and pretty intensely, if his expression were any indication, his eyes rose to hers. His face had no smile of greeting like it usually did. She came forward and simply curled onto his lap, needing his reassurance. She needed to know the way she felt about him was worth tackling the sense of the unknown he presented to her. His hands embraced her as she tucked her head against his shoulder. Silence spoke volumes for them.

“Did they hate me? I figured they couldn’t wait for a chance to warn you to stay away from me.”

She shook her head in the negative. “They aren’t like that. They don’t just assume things, or tell me what to do. Besides, they know I wouldn’t have listened just because they said so. Like I don’t automatically listen to you just because I’ve fallen in love with you.”

He grimaced. “Good point. I guess you don’t do that, do you?”

“No, I don’t. And they aren’t like typical parents.”

He nodded finally. “I guess not. I don’t know. I don’t know any decent parents. I just know, you’re not a typical girl, so I guess that makes sense.”

“They’re wondering how long it will be before I demand to know all the secrets you keep.” His entire body went tense under hers. “That’s true, isn’t it? What we fail to acknowledge? Your secrets? Whatever they are, you are still unwilling to share them with me.”

“Are you demanding that I do so now?”

She closed her eyes. The need to know became a burning desire that almost outweighed all the tender understanding and gentle care she wanted to give him so he would trust her. A lifetime of distrust didn’t just disappear in a few months. But that burning desire was really hard to release. “You’re admitting there are things then?”

He sucked in a breath. “Yes. There are things.”

She leaned against him and shook her head. “I can hear your heart. I can literally feel your anxiety. Just calm down. Take a deep breath. Trust that I’m here. Trust that I love you. Just, for now, trust that.”

His arms clutched her closer and he buried his face in her hair. She had to push against his chest when he squeezed her too tightly. It was heady stuff, to feel so needed. She relished his intense, almost desperate desire and need for her love and physical presence.

His breath sounded ragged. She could feel him almost shaking. He finally regulated his breathing after several minutes of her rubbing his neck and shoulders in soothing, rhythmic strokes. He leaned back, dragging her with him so he could lie with her beside him, and in his arms. They faced each other in the dim light coming through the half-opened blinds. They didn’t turn the overhead light on. He didn’t kiss her, or touch her anywhere sexy, but kept his arms platonically around her. Yet she considered it more intimate than almost any other time. Something shifted tonight. Was it the panic attack? Or the final, mutual acknowledgment of his secrets? Or was it her permission to continue keeping them secret? The relief he felt was instantaneous. But his regret was just as strong. Was she finally including him in the real parts of her life, i.e., not just partying and hanging around a dorm room?

He leaned in and covered her ear with his lips before saying quietly, “I love you.”

She closed her eyes and an audible sigh escaped her lips. She didn’t sigh because of her simple, exquisite happiness and joy at hearing him say that. No, it was a sigh of insecurity, and meant to convey how unsure she was. Sure, she felt his love, and her own, too, but couldn’t ignore that there was still so much they hadn’t yet touched on. When they finally did, it would officially be the real start of their relationship.

****

Winter vacation finally arrived. After enduring tough finals, of which Olivia was ninety percent sure she aced, including the fifteen-page research paper, she was free for a few weeks and had no responsibilities. She intended to go home for vacation. During the first half of it, her family planned a trip to the Bahamas to spend Christmas. Reluctantly, her parents eventually consented to Olivia’s plea to ask Derek to stay with them during the second half of the vacation. He would be alone for Christmas.

The Lindstroms were staying at an all-inclusive resort and the tickets had been booked a half year in advance. That was before Derek entered her life, and Olivia thought nothing could have been more fun. Now she regretted it with an intense urgency.

The day she planned to go, she had her bags packed and the dorm all cleaned and ready to be locked up. Kylie had already taken off, catching a ride with Ally. Derek watched her set her folded pants inside her bag before she finally zipped it.

“Will you see Max on Christmas?”

He shrugged and avoided her gaze. “I work. I take shifts. Let others enjoy the season. I’ve never really celebrated it anyway.”

She leaned over and wrapped her arms around him. “Next year, it will be with me. I promise. I’ll show you what it’s
supposed
to be like.” She spent more than a week apologizing for abandoning him. It made her stomach hurt whenever she thought of him home alone and sad in that cold, forgotten warehouse for Christmas. She also pictured young Max, just as alone and lost, yet why couldn’t they be a family together? She could not comprehend it. Not celebrating Christmas? Hanukkah? Something? Some kind of acknowledgment about family and love and joy? It made her heart sink. She almost cancelled, but knew it wasn’t fair to her parents.

“You’ll come up to Calliston, right? It’s only a week and two days. Promise me you’ll be there and won’t chicken out.”

“Chicken out?” his eyebrows rose and his indignant expression suggested she just insulted his masculinity.

She rubbed a thumb over his mouth and traced his lips, frowning. “Yeah, you big stud. You run from family obligations and being normal exactly like I tried to run from that nightclub on our first date. So don’t disappoint me. Okay?”

She sat on his legs, straddling him, and smiling as she leaned forward and smacked her lips loudly against his. He caught her head in his hands and kissed her with his usual desperation, almost needy in his intensity. He leaned his forehead against hers. “Okay, I promise. Are you sure I should?”

“The cousins already love you. You’ve met my parents. Now? The aunts and uncles and my grandparents. They’re all part of me, Derek. A huge part. I love my family even if they’re half crazy and annoying sometimes. But they’re good too. So please, don’t chicken out.”

“I won’t chicken out just ‘cause I’ll need to see you.”

The thrill of hearing his words of need and possession were as strong as her ambivalence about what more in his life he wasn’t telling her.

“Did I tell you I got an A on the research paper? I wrote about the benefits of music on young kids’ learning and totally nailed it. Professor Donnelson said it was well written, informative, and my editing was better than average. So now it’s college proven: I’m awesome.”

He grinned and held her face in his hands. “You’re always right, huh? I mean look at your taste in boyfriends.”

His grin was happy and carefree, but so unlike how Derek was. He could flirt and be cocky and smile and make innuendos, but very rarely was he ever boyish, sweet or goofy. She leaned into him, smiling and kissing. Perhaps only three words were spoken for every kiss. But it was getting late and she had to leave for home.

“I really need to leave. I told them I’d be home about dinnertime.”

He sighed and got to his feet so she had to slide onto her own. “I know. I just hate thinking of being in this town without you. I used to like it here, and now, if you’re not in it, I detest it.”

“A week. I’ll call, right? Everyday. Like always.”

He nodded and grabbed her bags as she got her flute, backpack and purse. She slugged it over her shoulder and locked the room up after he came out. The dorm was nearly deserted as classes ended and she was one of the last to go. She just didn’t want to leave Derek. He gently laid her bags in her trunk and stood beside her driver’s door as she unlocked it and threw her purse in. Finally, she straightened and looked at him. “Sooo you’re not going to forget you have a girlfriend, are you?”

“Forget you? Jesus, it would be easier for me to forget to breathe.”

Her heart swelled with joy at his automatic answer, which also suggested how dare she say that? He pulled her forward and nearly tried to inhale her as he kissed her, keeping her tightly against him. Eventually releasing her with a near growl to drive carefully, and call when she got here, there was no
love you
. That’s because it was the daytime. They were not in bed. Or in the dark. Those were the only times Derek told her those three special words. She, on the other hand, easily said it to him, and all the time, on every occasion and no matter the circumstances. Perhaps she was hoping he’d hear it enough to maybe someday actually believe her.

“I love you, Derek. Go see Max. Do something special with him, or for him. Please? Make an effort to spend Christmas with him. You’re the older brother. And I’ll see you on the twenty-ninth, right?”

He nodded as she ducked into the car before shutting the door on her. He stepped back as she waved and pulled out. Her heart skipped a beat and started to hurt when she saw him staring after her. He looked so forlorn and lost against the darkening December evening. She felt cruel, like she was ditching him and he had nothing and no one. It felt awful. Somehow, she knew, she’d become his contact with the world.

Part of his allure was his neediness. Most of her pain was also because of how much he needed her.

****

Watching Olivia pull away to go home, leaving him, felt like she’d taken Derek’s heart, and tied it to the back of her car before dragging it home with her. He glanced around. He was alone in the darkening lot. The clouds overhead were ominous and rain seemed imminent. He glared up at her dorm. It felt unbearable. Her dorm was a tall, boxy, ugly building with uniform windows and no real character. And yet, being with her there felt more like home than he’d ever felt before. The days he spent there, that highlighted the rest of his life, were now the best part of everything else. He would have to endure his life stoically and without her, until he came back there and could be with Olivia again.

He rubbed his hand to his temple.
Christ.
It was only a week. He wasn’t that person. The needy, sad boyfriend, unable to survive even a week for fuck’s sake. He felt alone and lost as he started towards his car to go… where? Where should he go? To work? To put in some face-time at Quentrell’s and keep him happy and falsely secure in Derek’s loyalty? He could now do it without feeling like shit for lying to Olivia. He could now do it without hurting someone who didn’t deserve it.

Her words filtered on and off through his brain. How could he show up and meet an entire family? Meeting her parents nearly had him dialing 911, and more humiliating, they all knew it. Her dad. Her mom. Why they didn’t take her aside and tell her to dump his pathetic, sneaky, cocky, secretive ass remained a mystery to him. She just might have done whatever they told her to. Her respect and love for them were every bit as strong and real and clear as she felt for him. He knew that. And despite how immature it was, he got jealous sometimes of her love for them. Why couldn’t she simply just love him? They could face all this shit together, and alone. Without any accountability, or the need to explain to anyone else. Without having to separate for a week because her family had freaking vacation tickets. He hated not being included in whatever she was doing. He just wanted her there with him.

He kicked at his tire and got into his own car to return to his life. Lacking Olivia’s presence to calm the turmoil that regularly churned in his guts, he needed her there, not off vacationing with her damn family.

The week Derek spent without her was as lifeless and tedious as any he’d ever endured. He picked up Max on Christmas Eve and took him to a damn movie. He couldn’t think of anything else. At least, nothing that wouldn’t end up with one of them doing something bad. They didn’t talk. They didn’t bond. They just sat together through the war movie along with a dozen other people. Max stayed overnight with him, and that was it. He disappeared sometime Christmas Day by the time Derek got home. He sat down, feeling so discouraged, and thought about Olivia being off at a fancy resort, sunbathing, swimming, and living a life he’d never know, if the pictures she sent back were any indication.

Finally, it was the day to go to her family home in Calliston. They were back. He’d spoken with and texted her to the ridiculous. He was so miserable, Quentrell even threatened to beat his ass if he didn’t start selling more. He was so mean to anyone who approached him that several had turned away, ready to run from him. He couldn’t function without Olivia. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t stand it. And it annoyed him each time she gushed about her love and how much she missed him, before adding she was having a terrific time. With her parents. They went diving in the coral reefs and swimming with dolphins, and oh! Wasn’t that just freaking fantastic? Who did things like that? Or zip-lining? It sounded so exotic and off the wall. He’d never done anything more exciting than driving within a small radius of Marsdale. Diving? The ocean? He’d never even seen it. Swimming? He doubted he knew how. Their choices of recreation only further underlined how strange and different their life paths were.

At long last, however, he tossed his pathetic bundle of clothes into his car and started driving to her family’s home. His stomach literally churned with knots and the muscles inside felt like a perfect bow. It cramped so badly at times, he had to pull over, afraid he might puke. Calliston was so pretty, he wanted to get out and tag a wall with black paint, or throw some rocks through building windows so at least it would look more real. It seemed fake, it was so perfect. Everyone had pretty houses and pretty streets, all neat and tidy, with no graffiti and no garbage. He knew the shit that went on everywhere, even in this quaint façade. He knew the darkness. At least at home, it was obviously out there, not hiding. It was, at least, real.
Screw this fake shit!
He pulled into her home address.