The Zombie Combat Manual (2 page)

MISCONCEPTION #1:

ZOMBIES CAN RUN

As we will examine in greater depth in the section on anatomy, an undead corpse with both legs intact moves at a maximum speed of just under three miles per hour, slightly slower than the average adult human walking pace. This pace seems to remain consistent regardless of weight, age, or build, with minor deviations depending on the height of the specimen being measured and whether it is in active pursuit of prey. Due to the transformation the infected specimen undergoes during the reanimation process, a zombie cannot exceed a speed that can outpace an ambulatory human being.

Individuals have claimed to have witnessed “zombies” running full speed after their victims. It has been determined that in these instances, the attackers were not in fact reanimated corpses. The specific affliction that caused this unruly behavior has not been determined, but it has been confirmed that these assailants were not, in the strictest scientific sense, the living dead.

MISCONCEPTION #2:

ZOMBIES FEEDONLY ON HUMAN BRAINS

The walking dead will devour any living flesh on a human being with which it comes into contact. Any exposed area of human tissue in the vicinity of a ghoul’s open jaws is vulnerable to attack and subsequent infection. Do not trust that wearing a piece of protective headgear such as a military or sports helmet will effectively protect you from an undead attack.

Double-blind studies conducted by both public- and private-sector research groups have determined that a ghoul, when presented with both cranial tissue and other human flesh, will not select one sample over the other consistently. This is one of the primary reasons why close-quarters combat with a zombie is so hazardous—any part of the human body that comes within range of an undead attacker’s clutches is literally up for grabs.

MISCONCEPTION #3:

ZOMBIES RETAIN MEMORIES OFTHEIR PAST HUMAN LIVES

Whoever the person was, be it your coworker, friend, or family member, ceases to be that individual once he or she has yielded to infection and reanimated into a walking corpse. Every connection to the victim’s former existence—interests, hobbies, occupation, and relationships—is severed once that person rises from the dead, just as it would if said person had remained deceased.

In a distinguished study known as Project Recall conducted by IUCS, a U.S.-based bioresearch and policy institute, a thousand reanimated specimens of varying ages and states of reanimation were presented with artifacts that were a vital part of their human existence—photographs, toys, mobile phones, and laptop computers were among the sample objects. Additionally, these items were presented by volunteers who were known to the subjects in some capacity—either relatives or companions of the formerly human test subjects.

Of the one thousand trial cases, none showed any acknowledgment of the artifact itself or the presenting volunteer, even after repeated attempts at visual recognition. Even more unfortunate, fifteen of the volunteers were assaulted by their subjects during the course of the study. It was concluded that the use of personal effects in the hopes of triggering a past human memory has proven to be not only unsuccessful, but dangerous to the bearer.

MISCONCEPTION #4:

ZOMBIES CAN BE TRAINED

As poor as attempts at triggering a zombie’s human recollections have fared, efforts to instruct the walking dead to obey a suggestion, request, or command, regardless of its simplicity, have proven equally futile. Early attempts to train ghouls to perform manual labor have been wholly unsuccessful. The region of the zombie brain that typically controls “executive functioning”—problem-solving and cognitive abilities—no longer functions as it would in a living human being. The undead do not seem to have the aptitude to execute even the most mundane or repetitive of tasks. Government projects aimed at controlling and weaponizing the walking dead have also failed, often with disastrous consequences (see Combat Report: Brent Taylor).

MISCONCEPTION #5:

ZOMBIES HAVE EVOLVING INTELLIGENCE

Once a person has been infected and turned from a human being into a living cadaver, all internal organs, including the brain, cease to function beyond the most rudimentary of operations required to accomplish three specific tasks: move, hunt, and feed. Once reanimated, all physical and mental development ends, regardless of the age of the human at the time of reanimation; infant zombies will not grow, teenage zombies will not mature. Research shows that the dexterity, motor skills, and mental capacity of ghouls that have been reanimated for years show no marked improvement over those that have been turned for less than twenty-four hours.

Zombies have shown no ability to communicate, assemble, or leverage their considerable numbers in a cohesive manner. The only form of “communication” one could say they exhibit is the apparent recognition of a ghoul’s moan as a potential signal that prey is within the immediate vicinity. These exchanges, however, are not intentional in nature. It has been determined that a zombie’s moan is, for all intents and purposes, a Pavlovian response to sensory stimuli that a victim is near, rather than a transmission to other ghouls of that fact.

MISCONCEPTION #6:

THE MOST PRACTICAL WAY TO NEUTRALIZE AZOMBIE IS WITHAFIREARM

The most
effective
way to neutralize a zombie is with a firearm shot into the braincase, but it is not the most practical. The fact that ammunition is always a finite resource means that every discharge of your weapon brings you one step closer to rendering it completely useless, not to mention the skill required to consistently fire an accurate headshot at a moving, albeit slow, target. Silent, easily mastered, and requiring no additional resources, the most practical method of eliminating a ghoul is via a hand-based weapon.

MISCONCEPTION #7:

ONLY SUPERIOR ATHLETES/MARTIAL ARTISTS/ SOLDIERS CAN SURVIVE AZOMBIE ATTACK

All regular civilians, young or old, male or female, inactive or fit, can defend themselves quite successfully against the undead without any special equipment, extensive training, or exotic weapons. In fact, some of the most successful living dead fighters have been those who had no previous combat experience. Although this may seem inconceivable, it actually makes a great deal of sense.

Those who have spent prolonged amounts of time on the mat, in the ring, or on the field of battle often have preconceived notions of what is required to bring down an opponent in combat. When facing the living dead, however, nearly all typical rules of combat are ineffective. It is precisely why this text needed to be written, and why those who enter into zombie combat with a completely blank slate often are those who experience the greatest success.

You need not be in exceptional shape, knowledgeable in combat, or skilled with firearms. What you do need is the appropriate information and preparation
before
you find yourself in the midst of an undead outbreak. You alone are responsible for your own survival.

COMBAT REPORT:
¹
BRENT TAYLOR
²

Sergeant, 22nd British Special Air Service Credenhill, England

BT
: People think of the SAS as this supersoldier, James Bond bollocks, but when everything went tits up, we were soiling our trousers just like everyone else. Especially after the nightmare at Piccadilly, that was a right balls-up. Some of the lads lost it after that. One of them swallowed the end of his Sig outside the Criterion after he had to knife two deadheads probably no older than twelve years combined. It was after that action that the commanding officers decided they needed to run the squadrons through another evaluation, one that focused on getting the Regiment used to dealing with this particular threat. Despite the whinging, I know that a lot of us were relieved. We thought we were trained to handle nearly any combat situation. Nothing we had seen or done had prepared us for this. Although no trooper would ever ask for help, we knew we needed it.

I’m not sure how much you know about Selection, the process of how a soldier is chosen for the Regiment. It’s not a walk in the park, especially the longer exercises like the Fan Dance and the Long Drag. Even current members who decide to run through them again as a challenge have a tough go. A few years back, one trooper decided to try one of the exercises again for a laugh. The poor bloke died of exposure in the field. There’s a saying that goes, “Death is God’s way of telling you that you have failed Selection.” That was not what the COs wanted. This wasn’t about stamina, or skill, or being able to tab forty kilometers with a three-stone bergen. They didn’t want to bin perfectly good troopers; Christ knows we needed every able body we could get. This was more of a mental exercise—making sure our heads were prepared for what we were going to face and setting up a smaller troop to specifically deal with DAs—dead actions.

Modified Selection was made up of two exercises. The first was called the Dead Drag, a variation on the final stamina course we all run through during Selection; you’re given a map and compass and required to reach a set number of checkpoints in a certain period of time. This version was different from the original course—shorter routes and less kit to carry. There was also another modification. Zombies were seeded throughout the Beacons, tagged and tracked to monitor their movement and proximity to every man on the course. Varying in age, weight, and decomposition level, the dead outnumbered the living five to one. The plan was that throughout the Drag, every soldier would encounter at least that many attackers by the end of the course. A lot of us joked that this was going to be easy-peasy. We were wrong.

The Dead Drag was the first sign that some of the best of us were not ready for this type of conflict. Keith, one of my mates and in the Regiment for years, was originally from the area around Hereford. Growing up around SAS headquarters, as a kid he dreamed of being a part of the squadrons. On his turn through the course, he ran up behind a ghoul and staked it through the back of the head with his dagger. Turns out it was his cousin from Glasbury. Like a good trooper, he didn’t quit. He ended up completing the Drag, but he pulled himself out of the process after that. I couldn’t believe the bloody coincidence. That story still circulates among the squadrons. If I hadn’t known him, I’d have thought it was one of those Selection myths. Part of me wonders if it was intentional on the part of the DS,
³
that they wanted to see what he’d do. I wonder how many other dead relatives were part of the process. The second exercise was the Haunted House. This was also a modification of a typical Selection exercise, where teams would run through a Kill House—a building designed to simulate close-quarters room clearing. The difference here was, just like on the Drag, the house was scattered with the dead. We also weren’t allowed to use firearms, which was to be expected. We were already trained to double-tap targets with rounds to the noggin. What we had to learn was how to deal with those things in close. And the smell. That blasted smell. After all the squadrons were finished, a select group of us were picked for Grey Troop. It was only after graduation that I learned the facts.

ZCM: The facts?

BT
: Jimmy, one of the DS officers, told us this story at a pub in Swainshill after the Grey Troop graduation. At first I thought he was just lagered, but when I realized he was serious, I was gobsmacked. Turns out he was a member of Task Force 68, a joint special-operations team operating along the Afghanistan/Pakistan border. Unit 68 evolved out of the other TF teams whose missions were to conduct snatch-and-grab operations on high-value targets in the Afghan. They received intel that several HVTs were meeting at a training camp in Waziristan for a three-day planning session. Their mission was to drop in, tab to the location with specialized cargo, release the cargo, and rendezvous back at the LZ.

ZCM: Why not just use military air strikes on the site?

BT
: I wasn’t there giving orders, but it’s pretty evident why not. We’re not talking about a questionable border clash along the Khyber Pass. Air power may have been used previously on targets like this, right up until the time when one of your armed drones mistakenly destroyed that schoolhouse in Chitral. After that, as Jimmy put it, “Foreigners had officially overstayed their welcome in Pakistan.” The targets were in an area where we definitely were not supposed to be
full stop
, much less carrying out offensive operations. Not to mention that the Fourteenth Infantry Division of the Paki army was already stationed in the region. As far as black operations were concerned, Jimmy’s op sounded like it was ten shades past midnight.

A six-man team was assembled for what was called “Operation Appleseed”—two Americans, a couple of Fritz’s from KSK, Jimmy and his mate from the Regiment. All were equally qualified, but it sounded like the multinational aspect was less about capability than culpability. A coalition of willing hands needed to be soiled on this job. As usual, the team did not get the official go-ahead until about six hours before execution, so there wasn’t much time to prep and rehearse. Jimmy said that it was supposed to be a piece of cake. No direct action, no engagement, “one step above a recce,”
⁴
he was told. The only missing element was the cargo they were supposed to deliver. He figured it might be some new type of ordnance or perhaps a tracking device they would activate after extraction, but when the team was led to the containment room, Jimmy said his jaw hit the floor at the same time his goolies tucked themselves back up inside him.