The Zombie Combat Manual (9 page)

SKULLPOPPERS:
Another exercise that simulates an action that may be required of you in undead combat. Place a car tire on a stable surface. Mark a spot on the tire. Raise your knee to your chest, then stomp on the mark as forcefully as you can. Execute a number of repetitions, making sure you complete an equal number of stomps with each leg to ensure balanced development. Building strength in this exercise will help when you must finish fallen or decapitated zombies with the heel of your boot.

Just as with the previous ZBFC routine, you can link the combat-oriented exercises listed earlier into one Zombie Combat Fitness Circuit (ZCFC):

Zombie Combat Fitness Circuit

• 25 blasters

• 25 kickouts (each leg)

• 25 woodchoppers (two-handed)

• 25 skullpoppers (each leg)

Ideally, you should create a unique circuit incorporating a variety of all the exercises previously listed to avoid the boredom that comes with repeating monotonous fitness routines. The more varied and persistently challenging you make your workouts, the more likely you are to look forward to completing them, and the fitter you will be against the undead.

DIET

People used to always ask me, “With all the science, technology, and research available, why is everyone still so fat?” What no one understood or accepted back then was that being fat did not necessarily mean not being fit. When the dead began to walk, that’s when everybody figured it out. As much as fitness professionals like to say they emphasize health, many just gave the public what it wanted—and it wanted six-pack abs, even if it meant getting them in the unhealthiest ways possible. They didn’t realize that having your body fat level so low may be nice eye candy, but if you need to walk fifty miles with a mob of inexhaustible creatures on your ass and the only food you’ve eaten in days is a wedge of moldy bread, a single-digit body fat percentage could be a death sentence.

I saw it happen to a lot of my colleagues. Sure, many were educated, learned professionals, but there were just as many in the business because they looked good with their shirts off. Shredded glutes, ripped obliques, rectus abdominis muscles so cut that you could insert a quarter between each muscle. “He looks diesel; he must know what he’s talking about.” Turns out a lot of them didn’t, at least when it came to having a body that helps you survive the living dead rather than attract a mate.

There was this one trainer I knew from my gym—Billy. Everyone called him “Mr. Anatomy” because he looked like one of those science posters that display all the muscles on the body. I lost touch with him after the initial outbreaks. Then, by sheer coincidence, I saw him in the infirmary of a rescue station months afterward. Stroke of luck that I recognized him, really, because he barely looked like the man I knew. Billy wasn’t infected, but he didn’t look much better than a lot of those things. He must’ve lost a quarter of his body weight and was suffering from rhabdomyolysis, where the muscle breaks down so fast that the kidneys start failing. His hospital gown hung from his shoulders like it was on a wire hanger.

To be fair, no one could have expected or planned for something like this; instead of dialing up for takeout or passing through the drive-through, now we all have to work for our food. We’ve returned to being a hunter-gatherer society. People also realize that you damn well better have some meat on your bones. Because now, we’re not the only ones out there hunting.

—Jim, Personal Trainer, Los Angeles, CA

Diet warrants only the briefest of discussions. This is because during a zombie outbreak, you will most likely not have the luxury of eating properly. Depending on the length of infestation and availability of supplies in your region, you may not be able to consume a balanced diet for very long, and may soon be eating for survival, not balanced nutrition. This is particularly true if commerce and commercial shipping are disrupted as a result of the rising number of walking dead.

During instances of minor infestation, your pantry supplies hopefully can sustain you with an adequate quantity of carbohydrates, proteins, and calories. One food item that may be beneficial to store in quantity is a high-calorie nutrition bar. Typically eaten by endurance athletes, mountain climbers, and soldiers, these nutrient-dense bars supply vitamins, minerals, and calories for active individuals. Food purists may argue that this type of product is merely a highly processed, glorified candy bar. Although this may be true of some brands, many are nutritionally complex and, more important, conveniently portable, a beneficial asset should you have to quickly abandon your fortification with your food supply in tow.

During a modest undead epidemic, you should consume a normal quantity of food as long as you possibly can while monitoring your overall food supply. Do not ration yourself too strictly, particularly at the outset of an infestation. Remember, your body will need to expend a considerable amount of energy to sustain your muscle mass and endurance while you are fending off attackers, reinforcing your stronghold, and evacuating the area if necessary. In fact, it is to your advantage if you carry a few added pounds on your frame, which your body can use as stored energy if supplies run low. Without an adequate amount of fat on the body and minimal food intake, your system will burn the only energy source available—muscle mass, leaving you weaker and more vulnerable. This is especially dangerous for the ectocombatant body type. Although it may be attractive during peacetime, an extremely low body fat level and a “ripped” physique during a zombie attack could potentially cost you your life. This does not, however, give you an excuse to overindulge in order to shore up your fat reserves. An unconditioned, overweight physique is just as dangerous as one that is too lean.

During large-scale outbreaks that last for a significant duration (more than twelve months), you will most likely be limited to “survival subsistence,” which means ingesting anything edible in order to keep your body functioning. This type of diet is not conducive to long-term health, but may be required given your specific circumstances. In the most dire of outbreak scenarios, you may need to survive on the poorest of food choices—soda, candy bars, and snack foods—because these items are generally plentiful and contain enough preservatives to prevent them from turning rancid for years. You should resort to this type of consumption only if you have no other alternative, and only as a stopgap measure until the time comes when you can forage for healthier food sources. Fighting the living dead on this type of diet may help you reach the next rescue station, but it will not sustain your combat abilities for long.

During times of peace, you are encouraged to maintain a healthy diet composed mainly of whole grains, fruits, vegetables, and lean protein. You should avoid meals consisting entirely of simple or processed carbohydrates such as white flour and sugar, which cause excessive spikes in energy levels followed by spiraling lows. To reiterate, this is peacetime eating; during an outbreak, you should consume whatever nutrients are available to stay alive. Do not be overly obsessive on your actual weight, but focus instead on your overall fitness level. The healthier you are during times of tranquility, the longer you will survive during a time of undead chaos.

MENTAL PREPARATION

Many warriors have acknowledged that the most difficult part of preparing for and winning in battle is not the physical exertion, but the mental challenge. Nowhere is this truer than when fighting the living dead. Not only must you overcome the psychological absurdity of defending yourself against a walking corpse, but you may also face the unfortunate situation of having to do so against a ghoul that was once someone to whom you had a close, personal connection.

As a result, it has often been stated that in order to survive in a zombie-infested world, you have to become somewhat of a zombie yourself. It is vital that you detach your feelings and emotions from the threat you face. Zombies are not friends, not family, not serene, otherworldly creatures. The only thing the undead should represent is a violent threat to your life and the lives of any remaining humans in your care. You cannot afford the time or the luxury of waxing philosophic about zombies in your proximity: who they were, how they were infected, how they ended up in front of you reaching for your throat. Your only objective should be to either evade or eliminate the threat.

This detachment, however, can be mentally taxing, particularly if you had an emotional attachment to your opponent. Perhaps the zombie is a young child or teenager, a neighbor, a teammate, even a member of your own family. It takes tremendous mental fortitude to look past the association you had with the formerly human individual lurching toward you and eliminate the oncoming threat to your life. Here are some techniques that may help you in this task:

•
Ignore superficial appearances.
The more time you spend examining the personal effects of what connected the zombie with his or her former living existence, the more vulnerable you are, both physically and emotionally. It does you no good to notice that she’s wearing designer earrings or that you like the band on his T-shirt. Look past clothing, jewelry, eyewear, and any other trinket that would make the specimen seem more human in your eyes.

•
Pinpoint attack targets.
Once you confirm that the individual in front of you is indeed a zombie and presents an impending risk, focus on how you will eliminate this threat. Zero in on the most vulnerable targets. Concentrate on key weaknesses such as the strike points described earlier—neck, temple region, and occipital area: Which of these targets is the most exposed and ripe for attack?

•
Avoid eye contact.
A living human’s eyes have often been described as the windows to the soul. Similarly, peering too intently into a ghoul’s pupils may cause you to believe that you have witnessed a flash of their former humanity: intelligence, fear, sadness.
You have not.
Many victims have psyched themselves into becoming zombie fodder by making this mistake. Do not do the same. Target a vulnerable area, eliminate the threat, and move along.

Post-Undead Combat Trauma

Hand-to-hand fighting of any kind is one of the most unsettling types of combat any human can experience. Trained soldiers who have had to terminate opponents in non-ghoul-related warfare have stated that the most traumatic of all events were incidents where they needed to do so with a hand-based weapon, such as a bayonet or a truncheon. Zombie combat can be even more distressing, given that it occurs not just between professional warriors, but among the civilian population as well. Combat with the living dead is also the type of conflict in which only one combatant is left standing at the conclusion of an engagement—ideally the living one.

An entire manual can be devoted just to dealing with the emotional stress of fighting the undead. For untrained citizens required to eliminate a walking corpse to survive, the range of emotions felt after a successful combat engagement can be overwhelming, and similar to the posttraumatic stress experienced by warriors after human combat. During an extended outbreak, individuals may find themselves isolated, their only interaction being with the undead. Cases have been documented of individuals who faced these circumstances and, upon rescue, launched into unprovoked attacks toward anyone with whom they come into contact, living or undead. A diagnosis has emerged from the medical community specifically pinpointing these unique types of maladies—PUCT, or Post-Undead Combat Trauma.

As much as we try to detach ourselves from the human element of our attackers, there may be times when you experience feelings of extreme remorse, regret, and unhappiness for having to eliminate an undead attacker.
These feelings are completely normal
and do not imply weakness, cowardice, or lack of nerve. It is recommended that you confront these feelings honestly and allow yourself to work through them when the opportunity and safety of the situation allows. Discussing these feelings with others who have shared similar experiences can help dissipate these painful thoughts. If the mental trauma does not subside and becomes increasingly unbearable, it is advised that you seek professional medical assistance from a physician expressly qualified to treat victims of PUCT.

COMBAT REPORT: THOMAS DONNER

Store Manager, ShopMaxx Super Stores Bedford, Ohio

Tom Donner and I speak at the Paterson rescue station where he’s been residing for the past six months. He is a young, prematurely graying man, wearing what looks to be the same uniform he wore on his last day of work, the day he is describing to me. Like many survivors I speak to, I attribute his detachment to Post-Undead Combat Trauma, but I come to realize that perhaps it is not shock, but acceptance behind his hazel eyes—acceptance of both the living dead and the lengths humanity will reach to survive them.