Then Kiss Me (28 page)

Then another hard thing to do.
  I went to my parents’ house to tell them.  Mom had made dinner, and the three of us sat down at the table.

“What’s on your mind, honey?” Dad asked.  I hadn’t been over for dinner in
close to
a month, and I’d initiated this get-together.  Dad knew something wasn’t quite right, but he didn’t know what.

“I’m going to be leaving town in a few days.”

Dad swallowed his bite of potatoes.  “Well, you’ve definitely earned a vacation.”

This conversation was going to be harder than I’d thought, but typical dad…looking for the silver lining.  “No, dad, I’m leaving for good.”

Mom’s eyes glittered.  “Are you moving back to
Denver with Barry?”

“No.”

“Oh, well, I talked with him last week, and I thought—”

“Mom, I don’t care what Barry tells you; he and I are over. 
Long
over.”

“Oh.”

“In fact, that’s part of the reason why I’m leaving.  I don’t know who I am anymore.  I’ve lost myself.  I’m getting close to thirty, and it’s time to figure out who I am and what I want.”

Mom, as usual, pushed the envelope.  “And you can’t do that with someone you love?”

I made sure I stayed calm.  “Mom, I don’t love Barry anymore.  And, until I moved out of his apartment, I thought the feeling was mutual.”

“No, honey, he still cares very much for you.”

I picked at my food with my fork in silence for a while.  Dad knew better than to get in between mom and me, so he didn’
t say anything.

When I spoke, my voice was low.  “Mom, dad, that’s part of the reason why I have to go.  I have never been alone before…”

Dad asked, “Do you feel smothered by us?”

“Oh, no…no.
  I’ve—uh—I’ve been seeing someone here.”

My mother’s eyebrows jumped up her forehead.  “You’ve been dating?”

I nodded my head.  “He’s a wonderful guy, but—
”  The
lie swept away from me.  I stared at the peas on my plate.  There wasn’t any
but
with Scott—he was a wonderful guy,
period
.  And then I saw the tear fall; it splashed off my fork.  I didn’t want to go.  I
had
to.  But
I couldn’t tell anyone…not a soul
.

Dad patted my shoulder.  “
It’s
okay, Casey.  We support whatever decisions you make.”

“Where are you going?” mom asked.

“I honestly don’t know.  I thought about driving down to Peru or Chile—I’ve heard the Andes are a sight to see.  But I really don’t know.  I’m just going to go where my heart leads me.”  Ah, now
that
was a lie.  My heart…it would lead me right back here.  And I had to go anywhere but here.

Dad said, “Call anytime…if you need anything.  You’re still young.  Go see the world while you can.”

Mom asked,
“Do
you need any money?”

For some reason, I felt touched by my mother’s question. 
“Thanks, mom.
  I’ve got some money saved up.  I think I’m okay.”

At that one mom
ent, I felt close to my parents
and closer to my mother than I had in years.  We stayed up past midnight talking, reminiscing…enjoying each other’s company.
  I went to my place feeling close to them.

The day to leave came more quickly than I’d expected.  Scott must have changed his schedule because I hadn’t seen him at work since I’d broken the news to him.  Well, maybe that was how he was going to deal with it. 
Strange, though, because for weeks we’d been all but inseparable.
 
It made me partly angry, but I also understood.  I called David the night before to say goodbye.  He had forgiven me, but he was still a little cool.  I didn’t ask about Scott, and he didn’t offer any information.

My parents came over the
morning
of my departure
to see me off.  I hugged them both and felt the tears
threaten to fall
again.
  I kept it together, though, because I didn’t want my family
encouraging me to stay.  They would if they knew how miserable I was, so I put on as happy a face as I could muster.
  Mom kept asking if I had everything I needed, and I assured her I did.

As I started to get in my car, I saw Scott’s truck pull up.  I held my keys in
my hand
so tightly my knuckles turned white.  I drew in a deep breath to steel myself—I didn’t want to be too emotional (anymore than I already was; I’d been crying at the drop of a hat over the last two days).
  My heart had started beating faster just seeing him.

He walked up to me.  Quietly, he said, “David told me you were leaving today.”  He stretched out his hand to my parents.  “You must be Mr. and Mrs. Williams.”

Mom looked at me…with approval.  That surprised me.  She must have thought, upon initial impression, that Scott was a catch.  He was, and I was throwing him back.  What the fuck was wrong with me?  “This is Scott,” I said.

“Look…I’m sorry I got mad at you.”

I lowered my voice.  “You had every right to be.  It came out of the blue.”

He looked down.  He was uncomfortable
talking
with my parents there.  Hell, so was I.  Thank heavens they were intelligent.  Dad said, “Honey, we’ll go ahead and go.”  They both hugged and kissed me, and I saw tears forming in my mother’s eyes.  No…that made it harder.  But I clamped my jaw, forcing myself to be strong.  “Take care of yourself.  Call if you need anything.”

Mom
let go of me and
said, “It was nice meeting you, Scott.”

He nodded. 
“You too.”
  Yeah, too bad it was under these shitty circumstances.  They got in their car and left.

“Casey,” Scott asked, “
are
you running from something?”

How to answer that one?  “No.” 
Simple enough.
  “I just have to go.”

He lifted my head with his fingers under my chin.  “Is there something you’re not telling me?”

I lied this time.  “No.”  How did he know?  Was I that obvious?

He held me in his arms for the longest time.  “
I
s there anything I can say that will make you change your mind?”

I wished there were something…
anything
.  “No, Scott, I…”

He looked me straight in the eye, and I was afraid he’d be able to see my soul, figure out what I was hiding.  It took my breath away.  “Are you coming back?”

I nodded.  “Yes…I just don’t know when.”  That was the honest-to-God truth.  But I had to have this baby first and figure out what to do with my life.  Then, well…I just didn’t now.

He held me close again. 
Forgiveness?
  “Casey, I’ll…miss you.”

I
hugged him as tightly as my thin
arms would allow.  “I’ll miss you too, Scott.”  More than he knew.  I was leaving
everything
, but I wasn’t going to tell him that.

And then he kissed me…the same meant-to-be-together, passionate yet tender, life-fulfilling kiss, and yet it was even more than that.

There was finality to it…the last time we would ever kiss.

“Do you have a CD player in your car?”  I nodded.  “Be right back.”  He walked over to his truck and pulled out a small plastic bag.  When he reached me, he took out the CD he’d made me that I kept forgetting, his band’s demo CD, wrapped in a paper sleeve with a round plastic window.  I smiled.  But he wasn’t done.  He then pulled out Lamb of God’s
Wrath
…now
our
CD.  Jesus…he was making it hard to go.

I continued to smile through my tears, wishing I had something else to give him too.  He already had my heart.  Did he know that?  “Thanks, Scott.  I…don’t know what to say.”

He touched me under my chin, urging my face up to his.  His voice was soft when he said, “Say you’ll stay.”  Oh, God…that was like someone reached into my chest and squeezed my heart.  That hurt, because I wanted to say
yes
, but I just couldn’t.

His face was blurry through my watery eyes.  “I…can’t.”

He pulled me close again until my sobs died down once more.  “So this is goodbye, huh?”

I nodded again, something I was finding easier than tears.  I hated for this to end.  Why couldn’t time just freeze here, when I was still in his arms, when my life was still okay? 
The tears started again, and I found myself wanting to scream at him,
I love you, Scott.  I’m carrying your baby.  Please tell me everything will be okay
.

But instead, I said, “I guess so.”  We kissed again, one last tender kiss.  Finally, we parted, and I got in my little Versa and drove down the road, not knowing where I was going, not knowing what tomorrow would hold.  That memory of Scott through my rearview mirror, standing next to his truck, watching me drive away would haunt me in my dreams for a long time.  For now, though, my heart had cracked and was bleeding, dying…and I’d done it.  Could I survive without my heart?

Part II

July 24

WHEN I LEFT
yesterday afternoon, I drove down the mountain toward Colorado Springs.
  I considered staying there…a big city, lots of opportunities, close to Winchester.  But then I knew that would be stupid.  There would be
too many chances of people I kno
w popping up somewhere in the
Springs
(including my sister who lives there)
. 
Way too many chances.
  Wh
en people from Winchester want
to
go
shopping in a real mall, they
go
to the
Springs
; a lot of people go out
side
of Winchester for cars, specialty doctors, concerts, flights, and so ma
ny other things.  Some people co
me to
the
Springs
at least once a week.  It’s a chance I’m not
willing to take.

So I stopped at a gas station and filled up my car.  I also got a coffee and then stood outside for a few minutes
, sipping my coffee and having a cigarette, deciding which way to go.

I know I have to quit the cigarettes with a baby in tow.  That will be the first thing I’ll do once I settle in somewhere.

I consid
ered going north, but I despise Denver.  I do
n’t want to go back there.  Besides,
I kno
w I’d be tempted to c
ontact old friends…people who a
ren’t really friends
anymore
.  They’d all sided with Barry, and why not?  He had the money and the power.  I was just the trophy wife.

Hah…trophy wife, me?  And yet, that’s what I’d been.

So I decided to go south.  I wouldn’t stay in Pueblo either.  I’d grown up there.  Again, there’d be way too many opportunities to run into people I knew…
lots
more there than elsewhere, considering I’d spent my whole childhood and tee
nage years there.  No.  I want
to go
somewhere where no one will
know me.

I toyed with the idea of going south…New Mexico or even Mexico.  I’d been coy when I’d said South America, even thou
gh the idea intrigued me.  I do
n’t want to go to a foreign countr
y right now and, honestly, I have
no
idea where my passport i
s.  The last time I’d used it, I’d been in high school with my parents
when we’d gone to Canada.  I do
n’t know if I would ha
ve had to renew it.  Hell, I do
n’t eve
n know where the damned thing i
s.  Probably somewhere in my parent
s’ house, if I had
to guess.
  Besides, I don’t know what kind of hospitals or doctors I’ll find in other countries.

No, I want
to s
tay in the U.S.  The question i
s where.

So, when I got to Pueblo, I had a decision to make. 
South or west?
  I knew I
didn’t want to go east.  East i
s nothing but hundreds of miles of flatland…Pueblo was just the beginning.  No, I knew my heart is in the mountains.  That’s part of why I’m missing Winchester already.  It was nestled up against some gorgeous green-blue peaks.  The air there is crisp and clean and…well, there’s someone there that makes that place home
to me
.  But I can’t go there.