Then Kiss Me (32 page)

I’d surprise her.  Tomorrow I’d take my trunk full of art and let her pick and choose.  I guessed she’d like some of my new art, considering it was darker and more twisted than a lot of things I’d done.  I still needed to frame most of them, but no big deal.  I’d frame what she wanted and not worry about the rest for now.

Yeah, I’d missed getting in on the tattoo art show.  Maybe I could still check with the Arts Center and see if I wasn’t too late.  I wasn’t going to count on it
, but it wouldn’t hurt to check
.

I went to bed, even though it was morning, since I’d hardly slept the night before, and I woke up mid-afternoon.  I showered and didn’t want to wait until tomorrow to go to the art gallery.  I was excited.  I started thinking maybe I could go to neighboring towns with some of my work.  Hell, I could even check out Colorado Springs…or I could go to all the towns I’d visited over the last month.  Many of them seemed like they’d be receptive to my art.  But I started thinking about possibilities, and I figured the more I had out there, the better my chances.

Yes, I wanted to move out of their house again, but I wasn’t as desperate about it as I’d been when I moved in with them earlier in the year.  This time, I’d stay until I was sure I could make it on my own.

Scott. 
I needed to see Scott.  I
was
desperate to see him.  I determined I’d go see him after swinging by the art gallery.

Isabel…she was a saint.  She let me know that she was going to have her
“up and comers” show in October.  That would be me and a few other artists whose work she wanted to highlight.  And, yeah…she dug a lot of my new stuff.  She was undecided on several, so she just took a bunch.  Yippee!  She said we’d discuss details as we got closer to the date.  This was it, though—my big break.

Then I drove to Bob’s Southern BBQ.  I hadn’t been here since my last day of work.  I was nervous but knew it had to be done.  I didn’t see Scott’s black truck anywhere around the place, but that didn’t necessarily mean anything.  I walked in the restaurant.  I saw Carla in the dining room waiting tables and waved.  She came over and hugged me, but I could tell she was busy.  I asked if she would mind going back to the kitchen to get David for me.  While she was doing that, I heard someone behind me. 
“Hi, stranger.”

I turned around. 
“Hey, Ed.
  How goes it?”

“Fine.
  We miss you around here.”

“I’ve missed you guys too.”

He let out a breath.  “You better now, Casey?”

“Much.  Thanks.”  He hugged me and then asked me to excuse him so he could go back to work.

David came out to the lobby.  “Casey!”  He ran over and gave me a big bear hug, swinging me around.  I was really glad the restaurant didn’t have
many customers yet, not that it would have mattered.  He stood back a second.  “No offense, but you look awful.”

“What do you mean?”

“Y
ou look like you’ve been starving to death.”

I looked down, hit with the realization again that I
was
pretty thin. 
“Stress.”

“You all right?”

“Better.  Thanks.”  I paused and cleared my throat, feeling nervous. 
“Scott around?”

David’s eyes shifted, trying to hide…something.  He avoid
ed
making contact with mine. 
“At our place maybe?”

“David…what are you not telling me?”

“I think you need to talk to Scott.”  He gulped.  “I’ve got to get back to work. 
Nice to see you, Casey.
  I missed you.”

“Yeah.
 
You too.”
  The enthusiasm was gone from my voice.  I was not looking forward to what I was going to find out.

I drove by their house, but Scott wasn’t home.  I went back to my parents’.  All night long, I wanted to call him, but now I was afraid to.  What was going on?

Chapter Sixteen

I
WOKE UP
the next morning, still not feeling sure about what I should do.  I was sitting at the table with mom and dad when the phone rang.  Mom answered it.  She had a look of apology on her face when she said, “Casey, it’s for you.”

I didn’t even ask.  I lunged for the phone.  “Hello?”

“So you’re finally back, huh?”

My heart sank to the floor.  It was Barry.  I hadn’t expected that.

It was time to slap him in the face.  “Barry, you
do
realize we’re not married anymore.”

“Casey, do
you
realize that not one day has gone by that I haven’t thought of you?”

“Oh, come on, Barry.  That’s bullshit and you know it.”  My parents were staring, so I thought maybe I’d better lower my voice.  I turned the other way.

“Just why did you run, Casey?  I know you better than you think I do.  What were you thinking?  What were you
doing
?”  I didn’t say a word, and the silence loomed heavily.  “Have it your way.”  He paused again.  “You
still whoring
around with that guy there?”

I felt my anger flare.  “I don’t need to listen to this, Barry.  Call back when you think you can be civil.  Better yet, don’t call back at all!”  I slammed down the phone.  Oh…that was satisfying. 
Couldn’t do that with a cell phone.
  I held back tears, not wanting to discuss Barry’s mean and intrusive words with my parents.

They didn’t say anything.  Dad simply asked if everything was all right, to which I nodded.  I forced down a piece of toast.

I decided to make it my mission to find Scott today.  Good or bad, I had to know.

So I got dressed, paying as much attention to detail to my looks as I could.  When I’d been in the emergency room in Grand Junction, the one thing I’d done right, the doctor said, was to take vitamins.  I guess I could’ve been pale and anemic too—as it was, I’d been close.  But, at least now, I had a little color in my cheeks, and the dark circles under my eyes were almost gone and easily covered up with makeup.  I wore loose clothing so my weight loss wouldn’t show.

I drove by Scott’s place.  David’s car was there, but Scott’s truck wasn’t.  I wondered if something David had neglected to tell me was that maybe Scott didn’t live there anymore.  I didn’t stop.  I didn’t want to ask David.  I knew he was mad at me still, but more than that, I didn’t want him to have to lie or stretch the truth when I asked again.

Then
I drove to Bob’s.  I breathed a sigh of relief while feeling a twinge of nervousness at the same time when I saw Scott’s black truck parked there.  I took a deep breath, trying to
steel
myself, before I walked in.  Ed was in the office, and I asked him if I could talk to Scott before they got busy.  He had me wait in the lobby.  Edgy, I told Ed I’d be outside in front of the restaurant in the parking lot.  He went in the kitchen while I walked outside.

As my skin absorbed the warm August sun and I breathed in the fresh air, I felt glad I’d decided to
wait outside
.  Besides enjoying the nice day, I hadn’t wanted to share whatever this turned out to be with everyone else there.

I gritted my teeth.  If I’d still been smoking, I would have been sucking a cigarette down hard.  I’d have to start chewing gum, something to keep my mouth busy and
my nerves
less anxious.  As it was, I started pacing, hoping to relieve some of the anxiety building in my bones.

Holy fuck.
  Not knowing was the hardest part.  A few minutes passed and I started thinking,
The
bastard’s not coming.

But then he
did, and he looked like a group of palm trees spied across a desert
.  He looked just as beautiful as the first time I’d seen him
.  But the air around him felt like the first time I’d seen him too—closed off, private, quiet.  I wanted nothing more than to
run to him and collapse in his arms
, tell him I loved him, but I was afraid.  I knew that everything was different now.  The only problem was, after talking to David, I was afraid it was a
lot
different.

“Hi, Casey.
  Good to see you.”  He walked over to me and hugged me.  I felt some relief until I realized the hug was sterile…platonic.  What the hell had I expected?  This wasn’t
his
doing.  I’d put several weeks and hundreds of miles between us.  We couldn’t just pick up like nothing had happened.

He didn’t hold me for long.  “Scott…it’s really good to see you too.  I need to talk to you, but I don’t think this is the right time or place.”

He nodded. 
“How about tomorrow sometime?”

Ouch…that hurt.  Why not tonight?  I was afraid to ask, but I didn’t want to know anyway.  So I just nodded.

“Casey, how much
weight
have you lost?”

I raised my eyebrows.  I hadn’t expected the question, although I suppose I should have.  “I don’t know.”  I paused.  “But the doctor put me on a diet.”

“Then he’s a fucking quack.  You’ve lost way too much.”

“No, no…he put me on a diet to
gain
weight.”

He let the words sink in.  “Oh.”  Then, after another uncomfortable pause, he asked, “Are you sick?  Do you have cancer or something?”

No—brain damage.  Love sickness. 
Stupidity.
  But a simple
no
was the appropriate—and
only
—answer.  “Let’s just say I have to be more mindful about eating.
”  My stomach lurched at the thought of eating.
 
“
So…do you want to meet somewhere for breakfast or lunch?”  I knew I didn’t want to talk at my parents’ house, and I sensed his hesitation to meet
at all
.  Maybe a public neutral place would take off some of the pressure.

“Sure.  We cou
ld go to that truck stop just east of town
if you want.”

Urg
.
  I’d never been there.  Just the idea of eating at a truck stop made me think I’d never eat again.  Considering it, though, I suspected I knew why Scott chose the place.  It was unlikely anyone we knew would be there. 
That was my guess anyway.  I’d never been there before and never would have chosen to eat there myself.  But I wasn’t going to squabble over
where
.  “What time?”

“Ten?”

“Okay.”  Shit…my stomach felt like lumpy, spoiled milk.  “See you then.”

He nodded, turned, and went back inside.

I’d never felt as empty as I did at that moment—even emptier than when the doctor informed me I’d never been pregnant.  I felt cold and dead now.  It was apparent that Scott didn’t and never had loved me.  I took a deep breath.  It was harsh, but it was better knowing now.

And now I was a thorn in his side
for
which he’d set an appointment to have removed—over breakfast, no less.  I had to be strong.  I shouldn’t have ever allowed myself to fall in love with him in the first place.

I couldn’t blame him.  I’d done this to us.  We might have had a chance to really grow into something if I hadn’t left.  But I had to be strong.  Whatever happened, I had
me
, Casey, and I was starting to see a lifelong dream realized.  My art wasn’t just something I did for fun. 
That
was more important than any man could ever be.

The entire afternoon, all I did was think about how I should approach our meeting.  Maybe I should tell him everything, including the whole reason for why I left.  I hadn’t been entirely honest with him, and that wasn’t good for a relationship.  I knew that.

So I should tell him.  But then what?  I didn’t know.

The next morning, I got up way too early, unable to sleep.  I decided to be productive and painted for about two hours before getting ready.  I had so many pictures from my trip,
ones that were
begging for my sick twist, and painting was a way to distract myself.  More than that, though, seeing my expression through art usually gave me confidence, and, if nothing else, I had to take confidence with me.

Part of me didn’t give a shit what I looked like for this meeting but I decided I had to try anyway.  I put on jeans and a light gray baby doll
tee—the only problem with that wa
s
the
nicotine patch on my upper arm stood out like a sore thumb.  That aside, the shirt was more flattering than most.  It emphasized my petite frame without highlighting all the weight I’d lost.

I told my parents I’d be gone for a while.  They asked what I’d be doing.  My pride told them, “Meeting a friend for breakfast—be back later.”

“Don’t forget to
eat
, Casey.”

“I promise I won’t, mom.”  I hoped I could follow through with that
vow
.