Then Kiss Me (34 page)

I watched him through the window as he peeled out of the parking lot.  I felt dead inside…no baby, no
humanity,
no
soul.

Chapter Seventeen

I
SAT IN
the restaurant for
another ten or fifteen minutes
, trying to regain my composure.  There weren’t any customers sitting right next to my table and I hoped the people who
were
there were so absorbed in their own lives that they hadn’t caught any of what had just happened.  The waitress stopped by once more and asked if I needed anything. 
Yeah, a life.
  No, actually, I needed a huge box of tissue.  But I told her
no
so she would go away.  She did pick up Scott’s money and left
and then brought
the change back.  What an asshole…
Scott ha
d also paid for mine and left
plenty for a nice tip too.  For some reason, that really pissed me off.

I picked up my stuff and shuffled out to my car. 
Why did I even try?
I wondered.  Maybe I should give up on men for good.

But—and here was the part that hurt—I’d done it all to myself.  Scott hadn’t done it.  It was all me.  What a fucking idiot I’d been. 
I
, Casey Williams, had ruined my chance.  Barry, yeah…he’d just been a youthful mistake, and so that was forgivable.  Scott, though, had felt like…a
soulmate
.  Someone I should spend my whole life with.  And I’d just pissed everything away.

And honesty might have been the best policy, but now I wondered if I’d just made things worse by telling the truth.

Still, I didn’t think I could have gone on lying anymore.  I’d hidden the truth for too long.  It had been eating at me, messing with my mind.

So I just drove around Winchester for an hour, not knowing what to do.  I felt lost, more lost than before.  I loved Scott, and he didn’t even know it.

I decided to talk to David.  He was my only close friend here, although now maybe he wasn’t
anymore
.  Carla was a friend too, but she and I weren’t close.  I hadn’t shared any secrets with her.  I would overwhelm her if I even tried.

So I pulled over and parked, then grabbed my cell phone out of my purse and called David.  If I got his voicemail, I’d just hang up.  But I got lucky and David answered.  He didn’t recognize my new number, so I told him who it was.

“Hi, Casey.”

“You busy right now?”

“No.  Today’s my day off.”

Time to bite.
  “Can I take you out to lunch?” 
Like I could really
eat
lunch.
  What a fucking joke.  I hadn’t eaten the food on my plate earlier.  I’d forced down one fry so, if mom asked, I could tell her I
had
eaten without having to lie.  I knew I wouldn’t be able to eat now, but it was a good excuse and it would be on neutral territory, in case David needed that.

But even that wasn’t enough.  “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Time to fight for what I wanted.
  I had failed miserably with Scott, but I couldn’t do it again.  “David, I know you’re mad at me too, and I know your loyalty lies with Scott.  That’s fine.  But you’re my only friend here. 
My only friend.
  And I really need someone to talk to.”

The silence told me he was debating with himself.  Then he said, “All right.  When and where?”

We made plans to meet in an hour at a little restaurant downtown…one of the places I’d always meant to go that had
local
art on the walls.  It was called the Renaissance Room.  We
were going to meet in an hour.  I was tired of driving around, though, just
jonesing
for a smoke, and I refused to give in.  Wasn’t that
stupid
patch working anymore?

The lunch rush was on and they didn’t have any tables available, and that was fine.  David wasn’t due for a good forty-five minutes.  I asked if I could look at the art gallery in the back of the restaurant.

They had some good stuff and quite a variety of work.  Sure, they made use of the walls, full of some incredible paintings, but they also had some pottery and jewelry and multimedia work.  I found myself absorbed but checked my phone clock once or twice so I wouldn’t lose track of time.  With ten minutes to go, I went back to the lobby.  The hostess said they had a table ready for me now and asked where I wanted to sit to wait fo
r my friend…here or at my table?
  I decided to sit in the dining room and I ordered a glass of iced tea.

While I waited for David, I wondered how I could get some of my art on display here.  Most of what they’d had in the back was for sale.  It was a possible source of revenue, and the fact that I’d already sold some art in town might help me sell myself.  I’d have to stop in sometime when I was calm and
had my shit together to find out how I could get some of my work here.

David arrived a few minutes later.  I could tell by the look in his eyes that I must have looked awful.  He hugged me.  “You looked like you could use that.”

He was right.  I needed several more hours of that.  A waiter brought menus by and we spent a couple of minutes perusing the selections.  We didn’t say anything while we decided what we wanted to eat…or, in my case, stare at on my plate.
  After the waiter took our orders,
David
asked, “So, what did you need to talk about?”

I gnawed at my lip.  “I don’t know.  I just needed to talk…about
what
, I really don’t know.”

“Look, Case, you need to know.  You
are
a good friend.  But Scott and I are cousins, and sorry, but blood is thicker than water.  I have to support his decisions.”

“Yeah, I know that.  But that doesn’t mean we can’t talk, does it?”  He shrugged.  On impulse, I slid my hand across the table and squeezed his hand.  “Thanks for coming.”

“Sure.”

So, even though I wanted to, I didn’t pummel him with questions about Scott or how Scott was doing, what he thought,
or
anything
to do with Scott.  Instead, I asked him innocuous questions about work.  Then I asked him about how his relationship with Gerald had progressed.  David then completely relaxed and spent
the rest of
our entire meal telling me about how close they’d grown.  Gerald had asked David to move into his apartment downtown…and David was considering it.

I nibbled at my food a little, forcing down as much as I could.  I’d promised mom and the doctor.  I had to at least try.
  At least David ate like he meant it.

The restaurant served wine, so I asked David, “
Wanna
have a drink? 
My treat?”
  I wanted to just let it go for a while.  And it was wine, so there was no risk of getting trashed.  I wasn’t ready for David to go.  “Besides,” I said, “I
do
have something to kind of celebrate.”

So, over wine and a slice of chocolate-covered cheesecake that we split (okay, so I ate one bit
e
and had David polish it off), I told David about how it seemed as though my art career was getting off the ground.  I told him about the exhibit in the fall.  And when we were done talking about it, we’d finished the wine.  So we paid the bill
(he didn’t make me treat)
and walked out into the mid-afternoon sunshine.  David asked, “Want to continue drinking at my house?”

I shook my head.  “No…we better not.  Scott’s
there,
and I don’t think he wants to see me right now.”  I let out a sigh.  “Trust me on this.”

“He was there earlier, Case, but he should be at work by now.”

So I acquiesced.  Sure, part of me would have loved to see Scott, but now was too soon.  I was certain he was still livid with me.  No way
he couldn’t
be.  I’d laid a lot on him, and I knew he’d have to sort it out.  Sure, I hoped he would forgive me down the road, but even that wasn’t guaranteed.  I only hoped that whatever we
’d
had, combined with the fact that I did tell him the whole truth, would help him find it in his heart to forgive me.

So I left my car in the parking lot and went with David.  We stopped by the liquor store and both bought a few bottles.  Yeah, we bought more than we should have.  I’d decided a couple of months ago that I wasn’t going to drink too much anymore, but that was before my heart
had been
crushed by Scott.  I’d allow myself one drunken escapade and then I’d get my shit together again.

David drove to his house, and—just as he’d promised—Scott was there.  I felt my gut unclench as I released so much tension.  I wasn’t ready to face him again.

When we got inside, we just drank sips from our bottles for a while, and then I started to relax…enough to talk.

Might as well
ask
the hardest question first.
  “Did Scott tell you what I told him today?”

David almost sobered. 
“Yeah.
  He did.”

I took another swallow
of Ouzo
.  Damn…a cigarette would have gone down smoothly
with it
.  “You probably hate me now, huh?  I hurt him pretty bad, didn’t I?”

David took another gulp too and said, “Casey, my girl, you took the cake.”

Ouch
.  I sighed.  “I guess I deserved that one.”

David tapped his finger on the coffee table and then looked at me.  “Casey, you need to know.  If you want the truth, I’ll give it to you.  If not, don’t ask me any questions.”

“Fair enough.”
  So I told him everything I’d told Scott, even though he’d probably already heard most of it.  “But, David…there’s one thing I still didn’t tell him.”

“Oh, hell, no.
 
Seriously?
  Well, then, don’t you be telling me, girl.”

I paused, slowly sipping from my bottle.  I ignored his admonition and said, “I love him.”

David slammed his glass down.  “Why the hell didn’t you tell him that?”

I stared at the bottle. 
“Because I was afraid.”

“Afraid of what?”

I forced myself to make eye contact. 
“Afraid of being involved with someone again.
  Hell, even afraid of being rejected.  Afraid of everything that comes with relationships…afraid of it all.”

“Why don’t you tell him this? 
Any of it?”

“I can’t tell him that, David.”

“Why not?”

“‘Cause then I’d scare him off.”

“You already did.”

“No…I didn’t scare him away.  I practically pushed him away.  And now he hates me.”

“No, he doesn’t hate you.  Geez, Case, he was with you longer than he was ever with any other girl.
 
Well…since high school anyway.
”

“What?
” I asked, doubtful.  “We weren’t
together
very long at all.”

“Yeah, but don’t you remember what I told you?”

“What?”

David sighed.  “Scott’s been used a lot.  He’s too nice.”

“I never used him.”

He smiled.  “And
that’s
part of why you stayed together. 
That,
and he really liked you.”

“Well, the feeling was—
is
—mutual.”

We drank some more and then David continued.  “Let me tell you a couple of stories.”  He was talking slowly, the drinking beginning to catch up with us.
  He slid off the chair onto the floor and leaned on the coffee table.  “About three years ago, when I first started working at Bob’s—”

“You’ve been there
that
long?”  I couldn’t help asking.

He smiled.  “I’m a short-timer, Casey.  Lots of people have been there a lot longer than I have.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”
  He raised his eyebrows in mock irritation.  “Anyway…Scott got me the job at Bob’s.  Before then, I’d been working at an assembly plant in Colorado Springs. 
Boring work.
  Yeah, Bob’s isn’t the greatest but at least there’s a little variety.  But I’m straying from my point.  Scott and Jim were roommates.  Jim was engaged to
Julie
at the time and
Julie
had moved in with them.  She was a couple months pregnant at the time.”  David paused to take a drink and he noticed the questioning look on my face.  “Oh, yeah…she lost the baby halfway through.  I think that’s why she and Jim wound up getting married.”  He wasn’t making sense.  He must have had more to drink than I had.  I just decided to shut up and let him talk.  “Anyway, all three of them had been drinking…sound familiar?”  He smiled aga
in and sipped more of his Jim Beam, then waved the bottle before setting it down.  “They were drinking, had some friends over.  I wasn’t one of them or I might have been able to stop what happened. 
Maybe not…I don’t know.
  But Scott went to bed early because he had to open the next morning.  Next thing he knows, someone’s crawling into bed with him and he’s getting laid.”