Then Kiss Me (37 page)

“What are you doing now?”

“
What’s it look
like?”  He sighed.  “Sure you don’t smoke anymore?
  I could use one.
”

“Believe me, I miss it.  I could use a cigarette right now.”

“Goddamn it, Casey.  You really piss me off.”  What? 
Just because I didn’t have a cigarette for him?
  “I’ve never had sex with another woman like what we had.  That’s a sign, right?  Like we’re meant for each other?”

I paused.  I was past the button-pushing phase and now it was time to handle my ex with sensitive kid gloves.  “Yeah, Barry, sex is important, but that’s not everything, and that’s not the only reason to get married.  That was our mistake.  We thought great sex could make a good marriage.  But we never loved each other.  We got along at first, but we weren’t in love.”

Wow.  That was a revelation, even to
myself
.  I mean…I’d accepted that I’d fallen out of love with Barry, but realizing I’d
never
loved him made me seem…superficial somehow.  Like I’d never valued him, never respected him as a human being.  And that made me
sad.  Barry might have been a dick
at times, but he was a good guy deep down and deserved better than that.
  That wasn’t entirely true, though.  We’d been friends if nothing else…good friends.
  He said, “I guess you’re right.”  A few more miles down the road, he said, “So what say we stop at a motel and go one last time for old time’s sake?”  I raised my eyebrows.  “Or we could break in Black Betty here.  She hasn’t seen any action yet.”

I gasped.  “Are you serious?”

“Partly.”
  I hadn’t missed the fact that he was driving the speed limit.  My nerves appreciated it.  “But I guess you’re right.
”  He raised his voice to falsetto in a mocking attempt to imitate me.
 
“
I should be looking for someone to love and share my life with…that’s what you’re saying, right? 
Fucking girlie idea.”

I sighed.  “Barry, don’t just gauge it on the sex.  Find someone who makes you laugh
, who makes you smile, who has something in common with you.  The sex can come later.”

I could tell he was considering my words. 
He drove several more minutes without saying anything, and we were away from the lights of Colorado Springs again when he said, “So…do you love this Scott guy?”

I paused.  Should I tell him the truth?  “Yeah, I do.”  I looked out the side of the car again, not wanting to give him a chance to see my facial expression.  “But I’ve ruined it.”

“How?”

“My road trip.”

“Oh.  Sorry I asked.”  He was silent again.  I was tempted to turn the radio on again but I knew Barry was deep in thought.  I didn’t want to interfere with that.  “I’ve met this girl named Sondra.  She’s fucking hot.  And we get along great.  But—”

“But
what
?”

I looked over at him, glad the spotlight was off me.  His knuckles were white from gripping the steering wheel.  “She won’t sleep with me.”

Time to venture into sensitive territory.
  “How long have you been dating?”

“Five or six weeks now.”

“Give her time, Barry.  That doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you, especially if she’s still going out with you.  It just means she’s not ready.” 
Then
I started laughing, a little on the hysterical side.

“What?”

“Not everybody in the world is a big slut like we are.”

Barry started laughing too, reminding me of the Barry I once cared for.  We laughed and laughed until my eyes watered and my stomach ached.  And I knew somehow that this particular chapter of my life was finally going to close.

Chapter
Nineteen

SOMETIME AFTER MIDNIGHT
, Barry stopped next to my car in its parking spot off Main Street.  He stood next to me under the streetlamp.  “Still friends?”

I shook his hand. 
“Always.”
  I added, “You can call anytime.”  But, somehow, I knew he wouldn’t now.

“Tell your parents I’m sorry for the trouble I caused.”

“Don’t worry about it…but I’ll tell them just the same.”

I got in my Versa and watched Barry drive off in his
gorgeous but way-too-much
Lamborghini.  I wasn’t drunk anymore, not even close, but I was
so
tired…

Rapping on the window.
  Groggy, I blinked my eyes in the bright lights and tried to adjust to my surroundings.

Rapping again.
  I unrolled my car window to the policeman standing beside my car.  I figured based on the quality of light that it was around seven in the morning.  I could feel the indentation the steering wheel had embedded in my forehead.  “Ma’am,” said the officer, “I’m going to have to ask you to go someplace else to sleep.
”

I nodded, getting my bearings and rubbing my eyes. 
“Sorry, sir.”

“Have you been drinking?”

Well, hours ago.  I knew it was all out of my system and I could pass a sobriety test. 
Best to just tuck my tail and go like a good little girl.
 
“No, sir.
  I just knew I was too sleepy to drive.”

The stern look on his face didn’t dissipate.  “Is it safe for you to drive now?”

I nodded, taking a deep breath. 
“Yes, absolutely.”
  He considered me.  God, how bad did I look?  Did I look like a drunk who’d just passed out in her car?  He didn’t ask to see my license or registration, instead just stood beside the car waiting for me to get my ass in gear.  I was grateful and didn’t want to piss him off, so I dug in my purse for my keys and started the engine.  The officer stood
back,
satisfied I’d be leaving, and watched me drive off.

I pulled out of the parking space and drove down the street, then headed back to my parents’ house.  Once there, I got out of the car and stretched.  It felt heavenly.  I hadn’t moved much in my impromptu driver’s seat bed, and my muscles loved the motion.

As I walked to the front door, four figures came outside…mom, dad, David, and Scott.  God, what a shit I’d been.  I hadn’t even tried calling anyone when I’d gotten back to town.
  I’d just felt so overwhelmed, I’d dozed off as soon as I’d sat in my car, thinking to myself I just wanted to rest my eyes for a moment.  And these four people, probably four people on the planet who cared for me the most, had been worried sick about me, had been powwowing for who knew how long while I slept in my car.  It made me feel like a shit once again.
  Mom ran up to me. 
“Oh, Casey.
  Are you okay?”  She smothered me in her embrace.

“Yeah.”

Then she held me at arm’s length, examining me.  “You look horrible.  What did Barry do?”

“He…uh…he asked me to tell you he was sorry for all the trouble he caused.”

“So what happened?” dad asked.

I bit my lower lip.  “Nothing I want to talk about right now.”

Scott looked at my dad.  “Thanks for the coffee.”  He looked at David.  “We should go.”

David grabbed me in an embrace.  “Glad you’re okay, Case.”

I turned as they started to walk away.  “Thanks, guys.”  I was beside myself.  I couldn’t let him go.  Not yet.  Not till I had one last chance.  “Scott…?”

He turned back around to face me but didn’t say anything.  I noticed that his cheek looked a little swollen f
rom the impact with Barry’s fist
.  “Can we talk later?”

He was quiet.  His brows furrowed and I felt my intestines tie themselves into a bow before he said, “Yeah, sure.  I’ll be home tonight.”

I went inside with my parents.  Over a cup of coffee, I told them what had happened.  Then I took a long hot shower and went to bed, considering I hadn’t had much restful sleep before.  I had one nightmare after another, so I finally got up and made a sandwich.

It tasted pretty good.  Maybe I
could
put on a few pounds.

I decided tonight I’d tell Scott
everything
.  I had nothing to lose.  If he still hated me, then so be it.  I could do no more at that point.  But I knew I had to be honest, had to lay it all on the line.  I felt nervous as hell, but my resolve was strong.
  If there was one thing I’d learned throughout all this, it was that I couldn’t hide anymore.  Hiding my feelings, hiding the truth had done nothing but make me and the people I loved miserable.

I drove by Lewis’s place and asked him if I could get in the storage shed behind my old place.  Turned out he’d just rented it to a couple the
week
before, so we went over there and he introduced us.  I went out to the shed in back and rifled through a few boxes.  I found my divorce papers that bore the heading “
Petition for Dissolution of Marriage.”  In case Scott wondered from what Barry said (and the wedding ring
my ex
had on his finger), I wanted to be able to prove to him that I really was divorced.

I got to Scott’s place around six.  No one was home.  I considered going somewhere to have a drink while I waited. 
Then, I thought,
hell, no
.  I drank too much.  It was time to stop, and I needed to be sober for
this anyway.  So what if he did
n’t get off until eight or later?  I should have called
first.

Well…it would definitely give me time to organize my thoughts.  So I got out and sat on the step in front of his door.  If I were still smoking, I would have lit one up.  Instead, I was able to
smell the freshly mowed lawn next door.  The scent was light in the cool air.

So I sat there and looked around.  I mean really looked around.  It was a beautiful evening.  The air was just this side of brisk.  Fall was right around the corner.  The coolness was pleasant, though.  The sky was on the verge of turning gray outside, the sun just barely over the horizon.  The air was calm and quiet.  These are the things I tried to capture when I painted and could but hint at.  That’s why I leaned toward the weird…things you’d never really see in nature. 
I already knew I couldn’t hold a candle to the real deal, but my own spin…I had only to compete with myself.

Scott’s truck pulled up fifteen minutes later.  I’d guessed the right shift. 
Pure luck.
 
He stepped out of the truck and my heartbeat picked up its pace.  God, what this guy did to me.  I didn’t know that he felt the same way, though, and that kept my spirits mellow. 
As he got closer to me, he asked, “Been waiting long?”

“No. 
Just a few minutes.”

“Do you mind if I clean up a little?”

“Hell, no.
  Do you care if I wait out here?”

“No.”  He gave me a confused look, as though I’d said something completely out of character.  “Be back in a couple minutes.”

I leaned back against the step, drinking in the peaceful outdoors.  I didn’t do that often enough, even though I was now living in the perfect environment for it.  Anytime I chose, I
could drive for ten to fifteen minutes and find myself surrounded by forest.  But even if I stayed in town, what would it hurt to just go outside and enjoy my surroundings?  I was doing it now
and happier for it
.  I relaxed and tried not to worry about anything, even the impending conversation.  As I took in one comforting breath after another, I realized I felt better than I had in months.  Even if Scott and I didn’t resolve anything, I felt more at peace with myself.

That was more important than anything else, and it was probably about time.

Scott came out as promised just a few minutes later.  “You parents were pretty worried about you.”

I nodded. 
“Yeah.
  Sorry about that.”
  I examined him.  The swelling in his cheek had gone down but he looked tired.  “Were you able to get any sleep?”

He shrugged. 
“A little.”
 
He sat on the step next to me.  “So…what’
s on your mind?
”

I inhaled and looked down at my hands that were folded in my lap.  “I need to tell you everything.”  He raised his eyebrows.  It looked like he was thinking that he was in big trouble, that I was a crazy woman, and that what I’d revealed to him at the truck stop yesterday morning was only the tip of the iceberg.
  I decided to forge ahead anyway, no matter what.  “First, I wanted to show you this.”  I pulled the divorce papers out of my purse and handed them to him.

He looked at the first page. 
“Yeah, so?”

“Barry was ranting and raving that he and I were still married.  I just wanted you
to know I didn’t lie about the divorce
.”