This Book is Gay (13 page)

If (and I can't stress how rare this is) the situation becomes so bad that you have to leave home, there is support out there. Some people live with other family members or family friends. Alternatively, Young People's services will be able to refer you to the right people who can help you. There's a list of groups near you at the back of the book.

‘It started when my mum saw me hugging a friend on Facebook. She is Catholic – very Catholic – and for months I was getting, “You're gay – I'm gonna kick you out”. After about two months of this, something in my head snapped and I said, “I'm not gay, I don't know what I am!” I was fourteen. Two days later I got kicked out. I had to work … I worked in a Chinese takeaway. Eventually I became a chef, and now I own my home.'

Shane, 23, Shoreham-By-Sea.

So you've decided you might identify as LGBT*? The hardest part – admitting it to yourself – is done. But how to tell everyone else?

I decided it was time to come out about six months after my Dean Cain–based revelation. I told a very close friend whom I trusted not to write it on the sixth-form common room noticeboard. She had also done a very good job of signalling to me that she was A-OK with THE GAYS. As a young questioning person, you would do well to surround yourself with cool, open-minded people – it lubes the passage out of the closet, as it were.

I chose to tell her – well, ‘chose' isn't the right word; rather it popped out as I carried a treacle tart home from school one day. (I stress I had made the tart earlier in a home economics class. I don't just carry cakes around to make people like me.)

Predictably, my friend was cool and reassuring and herself came out as queer in the same conversation, so I felt a million times better. To this day, though, I cannot eat treacle tart without feeling like my world might come crashing in around me, as it did that night after I had come out – because even though my afternoon had been perfectly pleasant, the cat was now out of the bag, and I couldn't get the furry bugger back in it. That is always going to be scary.

I adjusted quickly. Over the following weeks, I talked about boys CONSTANTLY, making up for lost time, and within a few weeks I was happily telling my friend and a couple of other friends which boy I'd most like to snog on the rugby team. It was all fine and I haven't looked back.

I came out to my parents much later – I waited until I was living away from home and able to support myself financially. You can decide if that was cowardly or sensible. In the end, my mum actually asked me outright and I answered her honestly. I got my stepmum to tell my dad!

Every LGBT* person's experiences are different, but here are the dos and don'ts of coming out:

Every ‘out' gay or bisexual or trans man or woman has been through it all before!

‘I first told my then boyfriend. We'd only been going out about a fortnight, and he came out as transvestite to me as we were curled up in bed together, so it only seemed right that I told him I was bi.'

Sarah, 35, Ireland.

‘I told my friend in the tiny music practice room in our school. It amuses me today to think that most people come OUT of the closet. I came out IN a closet. I thought I was bisexual at first, although, in retrospect, I think that I was having difficulty understanding the difference between the strong kinship I felt with my female friends and the sexual attraction I had to other boys. It felt like a large part of puberty was finding out the answer to this conundrum.'

Rick, 29, UK.

‘[I came out on a] residential trip to France. My gay friend asked me how I felt about her being gay, and I said I was OK. She asked me if I was straight. I said no. We carried on talking about how sh*t the French weather was when you had to do an assault course in the mud.'

Nina, 16, UK.

‘[I first told] People at my halls of residence at uni. We went on a night out just before Christmas, and I made sure they were all there and told them one by one. The first was someone I had gotten really close to, and after that, admittedly with a drink or two inside me, it got easier.'

Chris, Manchester.

‘I first told a girl I was friends with at school. I was sixteen and we were at a party, and we went for a long walk and had a deep and meaningful. She told me she was in love with another one of our friends, and I said I really fancied our art teacher.'

L, 28, Brighton.

Of course … it's not always so smooth. Coming out can be tough.

‘I told my girlfriend at the time, whom I'd been with for three years, about my thoughts and feelings regarding my desire to transition to female, my self-view as female and my experimentation over the past number of years. She broke up with me then and there, refusing to discuss it.'

Laura, 21, UK.

‘The first person I told was a female friend who believed she was in love with me. She was married and had made it clear that she was prepared to abandon that to be with me. I felt like I owed it to her to explain why that could never happen.'

BFL, 43, Minnesota, USA.

‘My stepmum discovered photos from the Internet that I had printed at college … It kind of went from there!'

Dani, 29, Newcastle upon Tyne.

Friends are relatively easy to come out to, as you've (presumably) picked mates who aren't total douches. Some LGBT* people are in heterosexual or cisgender relationships when they figure it out, and it can be very hard to tell a partner that you're not (exclusively) sexually interested in them.

But most LGBT* people worry the most about telling their parents. It really scares the plop out of us. Why? Well, they knew us as babies, and coming out (as gay, bi or lesbian) is essentially offering a delightful insight into your sexual desires.

Something NO ONE enjoys saying:
‘Hey, Mum, you'll never guess what I like having up my bum!' See my point?

For trans people, some parents see it as a bit of a slap in the face. Like they GAVE you your assigned gender and they RAISED you accordingly. As with sexuality, though, it often comes as no surprise, and many parents can be hugely supportive of transgender children – even very young ones. There are support groups, such as MERMAIDS, for parents of trans children (see ‘Helpful numbers and websites and stuff' at the back of the book).

Coming out is as personal as your identity. The following is only a guide – a one-size-fits all approach for you to adapt.

OK, so now we've set it all up, here are some openers:

‘I really wanted to talk to you about something …'

Now, at this stage, it's possible your parent(s) might say, ‘Is this about your being gay?' VERY OFTEN parents have got an inkling. This is exactly how my mum dragged me out of the closet.

If they don't, however …

‘For a while now, I've been attracted to men/women/men AND women' or ‘I identify much more as a guy than I do a girl' (or vice versa).

Then …

‘Nothing's changed. I'm still exactly the same person you know, and I hated keeping that a secret from you.'

And then give them a chance to reply. You might be surprised and delighted.

‘I told my parents I was bisexual at twenty. They were conservatively religious, but they told me they loved me just the same. I told them I was actually gay shortly after turning twenty-two, and this time they didn't bat an eyelid.'

Stephen, 22, Johannesburg, South Africa.

‘I told them both, although separately, as they are divorced, and each one was in a pub while we were having dinner. They were a little taken aback, but after a while, I think after they had thought about it for a bit, they realised that it explained a lot of my previous behaviour and appearance. They couldn't care less now and are happy that I am happy.'

Jools, 38, Madrid, Spain.

But what if they're not happy? Some likely objections:

Keep strong and listen to Lady Gaga's
Born this Way
. Or simply present them with this very book and get them to turn to this chapter!

After you've told them, back off. You're not going to pester anyone into being fine. You've probably known for much longer than they have. Also try to remember that the reason a lot of parents flip their weaves on finding out is that they're CONCERNED out of LOVE. Remember how I said that coming out is accepting a place in a persecuted minority. The fact of the matter is, identifying as LGBT* is going to make your life that little bit harder … and no parent actively wants that for their kids.

Accept that they need their own time to accept your new identity. It may take minutes, days, months or even years. They will come around in time. They stand to lose something hugely valuable if they don't: YOU. Remember, there are groups out there especially for LGBT* youths. Should things go wrong, there is help out there (see ‘Building a Bridge' at the back of the book).

‘I promised myself I would tell my parents if I ever had a boyfriend (I felt that being in a relationship and having to hide it was possibly the crappiest thing ever) – and so I did. I came out during the Easter holidays just after having been asked out by this boy. My parents were surprised and shocked – they hadn't suspected a thing – and it was weird talking about my gay feelings with them to start with, but over the past year we've all gotten more comfortable about it.'

R, 17, London.

If you're ready to come out, congratulations! Now you've got your membership card, you're joining a legacy of people who've gone before, a sense of belonging and queer culture – should you want it. The most important thing is that you are now free to be you AND shout about it from the rooftops. Or not – it's your choice.

Coming out as LGB* is relatively easy compared with coming out as trans. Once you've come out, life pretty much carries on as normal. WHAT? THERE ISN'T A PARADE DOWN THE HIGH STREET? No, I'm afraid not.

Becoming trans requires work. Situations vary wildly. Some young trans people have been dressing in clothes often assigned to the opposite gender* since they were little kids. Some people have been doing so in secret or in a performance-based way as a drag queen or king.