This Book is Gay (15 page)

• INCREASED BODY CONTACT, such as a hand on your arm or shoulders, is another body language sign that someone is into you.
  

Very often, though, given that we're in the twenty-first century, most people just explain that they're gay. You could also just ask someone. How much easier is that?

These days a lot of younger LGB* people are out at school, college and university, so word spreads and you may well already know loads of other LGB* people already. Being LGB* isn't a big secret any more for a lot of young people, so there's no need for special places to meet.

For others, though, adolescence and young adulthood can be an isolating time, and you may have to be a bit more proactive to find people like you

For a long time, homophobia and fear of verbal and physical assault was so bad that LGBT* people did need special places where they could socialise free from intimidation. This is still somewhat true today. LGBT* people are not zoo animals, and as such we do not like being stared at. It's depressing but true that even some quite well-meaning straight people find gay people to be a bit of a freak show.

Because of this, it's nice to go to places where you can meet new people without having to bother saying, ‘Sorry to ask this mate, but are you, like, erm … gay?' It saves SO much hassle.

This brings us to the concept of the
gay scene
, a somewhat out-of-date term which encompasses gay and bi men and women, and also trans people to some degree.

As discussed, being transgender has nothing to do with a person's sexuality, but transvestites, transsexuals and drag queens have often sought refuge from gawkers in gay or lesbian bars or clubs – they're not ideal, but they're a more accepting place than, say, Yates's.

A key problem with the gay scene is that nearly all bars and clubs are for over eighteens only – but we'll deal with that shortly.

Before we look at the various strands of the gay scene, it's important to stress that it's not for everyone. By that I don't mean heterosexual people, I mean US. Lots of LGBT* people do not access ‘gay services' at all.

‘I've never really had to engage with the gay scene because I've basically been in the same relationship my whole adult life. For me, I guess the gay scene may have had a slightly negative impact – I'd see all these people cross-dressing at gay pride events or big butch lesbians with French crops and very camp gay men dancing around, and I'd be like, “I'm not like that. I don't want to have to cut my hair short and spend the whole time talking about dildos and telling everyone about my sex life.” It made me think that I was never going to quite fit in anywhere.

It was quite a relief to discover that you can go out with someone of the same sex and then carry on with life as it was before, without having to make it central to your identity.'

J, 28, Brighton.

Many LGBT* people, especially those living in rural areas and smaller towns, will not have the same services that people in big cities (especially London, Manchester and Brighton) do. There is no rule that says all LGBT* adults have to go to ‘gay clubs' or ‘gay bars'.

THIS IS ANOTHER STEREOTYPE
. Let's all throw sticks at it.

Gay people in North Wales probably like mountain walking. Gay people in Cornwall might enjoy surfing. Gay people in Scotland build snowmen.

Here's another thing – LGBT* people IN big cities don't always access the gay scene either. It's very much a choice.

For some reason – possibly internalised homophobia – no one wants to admit to being a ‘scene queen', even people who do visit gay bars and clubs quite regularly. This is very silly.

However we live our lives, LGBT* people have NOTHING to be ashamed of.

Let's not forget the benefits of having these safe spaces:

‘Part of the reason I – a wee kid from Paisley in Scotland – moved south to London almost twenty years ago was because of the “gay scene” it promised.

London was very good to me, and I had a lot of fun in my twenties and thirties there. The benefits were having easy access to many pubs and clubs where you could relax, be yourself and, of course, meet ever-so-cute guys! It amazed me to be able to walk about in Soho holding hands with my boyfriend in public and not being laughed at, slagged off or even attacked.'

Aidy, 46, Margate.

‘Being a part of the gay scene allows you to meet people and make friends that have a lot of the same experiences and interests as you do. It is also a really good way to find potential romantic partners. The only way I met all of the girls I've dated was because I'm involved and active in the gay scene in my area. The disadvantages are that it can limit your world view if you ONLY hang out with other gay people, and the dating scene can get a bit incestuous if you and all of your friends are fishing in the same dating pool.'

Taylor, 23, USA.

It's also worth noting that ‘the gay scene' is probably more diverse than people give it credit for. There are as many stereotypes about the gay scene as there are about gay people.

Obviously, you have to be over eighteen to go to a bar or a club, and as not all LGBT* people love drinking and partying anyway, there are an infinite variety of clubs and societies that allow people to hang out and meet. All parts of the ‘gay scene' are as much about meeting like-minded chums as they are finding a partner for sexyfuntime. A quick Google search will unearth gay book groups, gay cookery classes, singles nights and just about every sort of fun activity you can shake a stick (I SAID STICK) at.

Erik, 34, London, is the chairperson of the London Gay Symphonic Winds – a group for LGBT* (and also straight) musicians:

Founded in 2005, the London Gay Symphonic Winds (LGSW), like many gay and lesbian groups, was formed to give people the opportunity to do something they enjoyed in a friendly and supportive environment without the fear of encountering prejudice. We have always been as much a social group as a musical one, and we aim to be as inclusive as possible without detriment to the musical standard. Because of our unique marriage of the social/musical goals, we have players of all ages, sexual orientation, and genders. The LGSW is a great way for people to meet friends outside of the regular bar and club scene.

For young LGBT* people, there are specialist support groups at young people's centres around the country. A fabulous example is Allsorts Youth Project in Brighton, which gives support to young people living on the South Coast. If you talk to staff at your school or college or look online, I'm almost certain you'll find a similar LGBT* youth group close-ish to where you live.

‘I come [to Allsorts] to interact with other LGBT people. There's help and advice if you're struggling with certain situations, like mental health or sexual health, and it's a nice, friendly atmosphere.'

Lucy, 20 Brighton.

‘I mainly come to socialise and meet new people, and they help with, like, if I got bullied at college for being gay there's people here that can help with that.'

N, 17, Burgess Hill.

‘I like coming to Allsorts because, being trans, I find there's not a lot of support out there, and there is a separate group here for trans people. It's nice to have a safe space.'

Chezra, 19, Brighton.

As well as being a cool place to hang out and make friends like you, youth groups will also provide you with free condoms, lube, contraception and advice. Please see a list of active youth groups in the UK at the back of the book.

It's also worth noting that pretty much every university in the country will have an LGBT* group on campus. These are a fantastic way to meet like-minded people and a great way to establish yourself away from home should you go on to higher education. Each year there is even a STUDENT PRIDE rally where LGBT* students from all over the UK get together to celebrate and be proud and stuff.

There are also specialised group support meetings for trans people and those who may be thinking of transitioning. See ‘Helpful Numbers and Websites and Stuff' at the back of the book.

If you live in the UK and are over eighteen, you are very lucky because I estimate you are never more than an hour from your local ‘gay bar' or ‘gay club'. Again, these are catch-all terms that can also include ‘girl bars' for gay women. Some establishments are for (or will run special nights for) cross-dressers, transsexuals and transvestites.

These places are not to everyone's taste (and again, they only cater for the over eighteens), although larger gay scenes in London, Manchester and Brighton are more diverse and so cater to broader tastes. Issues range from the music …

‘[The gay scene] is great if you like sugary drinks and bubble gum pop.'

Stuart, 33, Brighton.

to the clientele …

‘There are a lot of nasty, bitter queens around most scenes.'

Dani, 29, Newcastle upon Tyne.

BUT the role of the ‘gay bar' is historical. As mentioned before, they provide safe spaces for LGBT* people to meet free from ridicule or harassment.

People use gay bars and clubs in a variety of ways:

• To have a good time. Whatever music you're into, there's a bar or club for you somewhere. You can go with your friends and dance your little gay socks off.
  
• To meet new friends. Contrary to popular belief, gay and bi people don't always A. shag or B. scratch each other's eyes out on first contact. It is nice to have friends who understand what it's like to be LGBT*, because we all have some shared experiences, e.g. coming out, the hilarity of Grindr.
  
• Sex. LGBT* people cannot claim a monopoly on this one. Up and down the country, EVERYONE is going out to clubs to have a little snog and perhaps something more. It's the human mating dance, and we do it to David Guetta in sweaty underground lairs.
  

Most major towns and cities will have at least ONE gay bar or gay club. This is why rural LGBT* people often relocate to places with a gay scene. But no one is forcing you to. There are loads more ways you can meet people if you don't like bars and clubs (or are too young to go).

1. Make eye contact. If prolonged eye contact is held, you can assume they're interested.
   
2. Approach. Start with ‘Hey', ‘Hi' or ‘Hello'. If you're abroad, you may have to revise this strategy.
   
3. If they respond positively, ask if they would like a drink. (If you and they are of age and drinks are available.)
   
4. Chat! Compliment! Dance! When complimenting, always choose non-arbitrary things – things they chose, like their clothes.
   
5. If the time is right, move in a little closer. If that feels right, you could perhaps give a little kiss a go too.
   

It goes without saying that not everyone you find attractive will also find you attractive. It's that simple. Not everyone is to your taste, so you won't always be to someone else's. If you get rejected by someone you like, never take it personally – you're just not their type, and that's their problem, not yours.

‘I met my boyfriend in a nightclub in Clapham. I'd seen him there before, and we just started smiling and saying hi when we saw each other. One night I saw him standing by himself, so I just went over and talked to him. We did have a bit of a snog, but we both had friends staying over, so that was as far as it went. I got his number and we arranged to go on a date the week after.'

Jamie, 28, London.

FAQ: Why is the gay scene so druggie?
That stereotype isn't especially fair because what club scene isn't? Clubbing and recreational drug use go hand in hand, and I assure you straight clubs are just as druggie, but it can be surprising to see guys (or indeed girls) in their forties and fifties off their baps on plant fertiliser every Saturday. Maybe it's because most gay people don't have kids back home and so can go a little wild. Maybe it's because we're anti-establishment. Maybe it's because we have a terrible Peter Pan complex and we need to grow up.

Just because it's commonplace doesn't mean it's RIGHT, SENSIBLE or LEGAL. Drug use is none of those things. With drugs, as with sex, it's ALWAYS your CHOICE. No one is forcing anyone to take drugs on the gay scene.

Beware:
illegal drugs are clearly dodgy at best, deadly at worst, and you could wind up with a criminal record. St Thomas's Hospital in London now charges some gay clubs a levy because of the number of casualties being wheeled off the dance floor on a stretcher. Not sexy.

I think this one is possibly the best path to finding a suitable partner. What could be better than having your mates vet potential suitors like Sex Factor judges: ‘No, you aren't going through to the next round.' ‘You're going through to LIVE DATES! Congratulations!' etc.