This Book is Gay (16 page)

Being ‘set up' is often fantastic but also a potential 'mare of Elm Street proportions. PARTICULARLY when you first come out, well-meaning people (often straight) will bombard you with ‘OOOOH, I KNOW A GAY GUY/GIRL – YOU SHOULD MARRY HIM/HER!' It is a sad fact that many straight people think having ‘gay' in common is the stuff true love is made of. It isn't.

Other LGBT* friends or friends who know you well, however, can be fantastic matchmakers, especially once they know your ‘type'. A lot of people throw house parties especially to mingle and mix their single mates and hopefully get you to bring some spare parts too!

Laura, 21, an MTF trans girl, and her partner started out as friends:

I first met Tess back in 2008. When we met, I was still living as male and in total denial about why I was so depressed all the time. We met when she and her group of friends came into the sweet shop where I worked, and we hit it off right away. We started talking because she was a huge fan of the band whose shirt I was wearing. We met up after work to hang out, and we very quickly became close friends, but we were never romantically linked. We knew what we felt was not attraction but friendship.

Skip ahead a few years and my gender dysphoria had hit its peak. I was near suicidal over the changes happening to my body, and I just didn't want to face the reality that I couldn't face living the life I was living much longer. So I turned to Tess. She was the first person I came out to about my feelings of dysphoria, and she was hugely supportive, helping me find resources and generally being there for me during the earliest stages of my transition.

She was there during my trying to decide on a new name, my awkward first attempts at presenting as female and my first times going out in public as Laura, all the while standing by my side proud to know me, proud to be a part of the time in my life when most trans allies are most hesitant. She was the first person to switch to referring to me only by my new name, the first to put her support behind me, and she stuck by my side throughout it all.

Tess is gay. In the time I'd known her, she had only ever dated women. I knew she had dated men before, but since she first dated a woman, she had never turned back. As I transitioned, our relationship began to shift too. It became clear that while neither of us had been interested in a heterosexual relationship with each other, we were interested in each other as I progressed through my transition. I know a lot of my hang-ups about relationships had been due to my deep hatred of my old body and the fact I didn't find heterosexual relationships arousing. Coming out and starting to allow myself some freedom with who I was completely opened me up to the prospect of being attracted to and in love with someone.

As I transitioned Tess started to see me as someone she found attractive too. What had been a great friendship, with sudden romantic and sexual feelings developing, didn't take long to turn into us starting to date. Two years later, we're still going strong, happier than ever and looking forward to whatever the future holds. She has been incredibly respectful of my boundaries regarding my body and has stuck by my side through everything, reminding me that someone in this world thinks I'm beautiful, even when I don't.

LGBT* people were way ahead of the curve with Internet dating. Long before the likes of
Match.com
was Gaydar and Gaydar Girls, named after our very own sixth sense. These websites – and now there are several – allow you to meet up with other LGBT* people for a coffee, dinner or sometimes plain, old-fashioned sex. It's very much a choice – and it's up to you to decide what it is you're looking for.

Now, pretty much ALL dating sites extend their services to men seeking men and women seeking women (cis or trans). In the gay realm, we seem to mostly use dating websites (like Match) for dates – with one eye on meeting a boyfriend or girlfriend. Most of them require some sort of subscription fee, but others are free.

• NEVER put personal information such as your address or telephone number on the Web (unless you like being murdered).
  
• It's polite to present a clear, recent face picture. And don't cheat with airbrushed photos!
  
• If you decide to meet someone, arrange a date in a brightly lit café or bar, not ‘stabby alleyway'.
  
• Some people arrange to meet at their houses – be aware that, if you do this, you are inviting strangers into YOUR HOME. This is never a hundred per cent safe.
  

Be aware that many dating sites have a minimum age of eighteen, although some people arrange dates through Twitter or Facebook too.

‘I've had dates (and consequently sex) with people I've met through Twitter, but they've come along as a result of my normal interactions on there rather than anything deliberate. Facebook is different – that's reserved for people I actually “know”.'

Luke, 28, London.

The smart-phone revolution understood that, like anything in the twenty-first century, we'd eventually want to be able to download sex. It wouldn't surprise me if, in a couple of years, we can download the idea of sex so convincingly that we won't have to bother with the messy bodily fluids and pesky emotional stuff at all.

It is a fact that although grown-up adult types are sometimes looking for a serious relationship, sometimes they are just looking for a spot of sexyfuntime. You may come to establish that gay and bi men in particular do seem to quite like sex. OK, nearly everyone likes sex, but gay guys really seem to have cornered the market. Remember, this is fine as long as you're honest and always use a condom. Gay and bi men have taken to app sex like ducks to sexy water.

Technology changes frighteningly quickly (the lesbian app Qrushr has been and gone already), but it seems that market leader, Grindr, is here to stay.
Note: Grindr also has a minimum age of eighteen years.

How sex apps work:

1. Upload a tiny pic of yourself to the app.
   
2. The app works out your location.
   
3. The app tells you who the nearest homosexuals are.
   
4. You then chat to them.
   
5. Because they are near, it is easy to meet up with them.
   

NOW.
Not
everyone on a sex app is there for sex. Like a website, it's just another way to meet like-minded guys or girls (there ARE lesbian versions out there). Once again, the app removes the need to ask, ‘Hey! You over there with the arms! You a gayer, mate?'

If you want to use a sex app for chatting or dates, be VERY clear about this. In this instance, posting a pic of your nekkid chest would be somewhat misleading, no? Similarly, if you're looking for the ubiquitous ‘fun' (the words ‘sex', ‘shag' and the F-word, ironically, are banned on most sex apps), be upfront about it and then no one's feelings are going to get hurt.

Most of us know at least one loving couple who met on a sex app and it became something more, but I'd politely suggest that downloading a sex app to find a committed partner is a little like going to KFC for a healthy meal – literally fruitless.

‘I have used Grindr – the advantages are you can get what you want quickly. The downside is that its the same people repeatedly, so can get boring very quickly, and there is an awful lot of “Hi, how are you”, which people could do without. I prefer to be more forward in those scenarios.'

Jonny, London E2.

‘The benefits are obvious: quick, easy and uncomplicated sex. On the downside, you always find the same people online whenever you're at home, and it matches you with people solely on the basis of proximity – so the chances of meeting someone with whom you have more than a physical connection is very slim.'

Luke, 28, London.

‘I've met a variety of interesting people through [sex apps]. They are predominantly used for sex, though. They're sold to us as “social networking” apps, but we all know what they're really for. It's a bit like selling a dildo under the pretext that it's sole use is a draught excluder. I don't have a problem with that aspect of it – if people want casual sex, then something like Grindr is a must – but I've met quite a few new friends through it, so like anything I suppose it's what you decide to make of it.'

Stuart, 34, Brighton.

Another major plus to sex apps is they allow a degree of anonymity, so guys and girls who aren't ‘out' can meet people this way without having to self-identify by entering a ‘gay bar'.

‘After a long and slightly messy break-up, I briefly used Grindr and Scruff – thinking that it would be an easy way of meeting a potential boyfriend … I realised very quickly that these services are mainly tailored towards enabling like-minded people to have sexual encounters – which isn't what I was looking for.'

Mike, London.

‘I don't believe there are any advantages to these apps. I believe they are unsafe.'

Mica, 23, London.

‘I know one guy who got gonorrhoea, chlamydia and syphilis from some guy he met on Grindr. All in one go, like a three-for-two special.'

Ryan, 32, New Jersey, USA.

‘I've downloaded Grindr and chatted/sexted men on it but have never physically met men via it. If one was in need of a sexual encounter, whether it be a hookup or something less casual, one could almost always find something. However, the men on these apps tend to be shallow when it comes to appearances and sexual identity (i.e. “looking for masc”, “white and Asian only”, etc.).'

Anon, 20, Minneapolis, Michigan, USA.

Using a sex app to hook up is LITTERED with potential risks for which the makers take no responsibility. Tucked away on the websites of sex apps (in very small print) is a safety section which advises users to make sensible ‘dating' choices. Yes, everyone on Grindr is looking for a good, hard date.

In order to have the sex off a sex app you will have to meet a potential partner, so this means them coming to yours or you going to theirs. Obviously, this is very risky indeed.

As mentioned above, the anonymity of sex-app users means that they have become colonies of cheating partners – a hive of shitweasels, if you will. Beware faceless profiles. They're faceless for a reason.

• Include a picture of yourself. Don't steal other people's. That's weird and shady.
  
• If you don't include a face pic, expect the first message anyone EVER sends you to be ‘FACE PIC M8?'
  
• On the same subject, if you think your key selling point is your bare chest, we're in bother. Don't be a
  prawn
  – ‘great body, but I wouldn't eat the head'.
  
• If you don't give your age, weight and height, people will assume you're old, fat and tiny.
  
• As regards all ‘sexting', sharing pictures of your bits is not a great idea. Things do get shared around. Use common sense.
  
• If you're THAT HORNY that you want to do a 'sex meet', meet the ‘trick' in a public place for a drink first. That way you can assess if you fancy them in the flesh / they are not a twitchy-eyed freakazoid before letting them into your house. This is much, MUCH safer, obviously.
  
• You can ALWAYS say NO. If someone from a sex app turns up and you don't like the look of them, don't be scared to turn them away at the door (of the safe, public venue you chose to meet at). Awkward, yes, but better than awkward sex.
  
• This one goes without saying, but ALWAYS WEAR A CONDOM.
  
• If you are on Grindr, under the age of eighteen (it happens), be aware that swapping ‘adult' pics is actually illegal – you are distributing child pornography, even if it's of yourself.
  

To revert to well-worn stereotypes, gay men are quick to jump into bed and gay women are quick to jump into Battersea Dogs & Cats Home, but as gay is now thoroughly mainstream, it seems likely that at some point you'll want to ‘date' away from underground sex dungeons and drag shows.

Once you've met someone, be it in the street, bar, club or sex app, you'll need to get to know them better. How does one go about this? Like most people, it's all about wining and dining. Getting to know someone is vital because the outside package, however gorgeous, isn't going to sustain your interest for very long
^*
.

^*
Excluding Jake Gyllenhaal. I could merely look at him until the end of time.

Those are but twenty suggestions – feel free to invent your own. I think the ones where you DO STUFF, like an exhibition or a gig, are the BEST because then you have something to talk about right in front if you. Early dates can be tricky because at first you might not have any shared contacts, so it becomes a bit of a job interview, with each person presenting facts about their life.