THIS Is Me... (19 page)

  “So I was waiting for you to become more emotionally stable so you could deal with the reality of the pregnancy rather than the unconscious denial of it.  I promise you it was never to hurt you or to ‘trap’ you.”

  Watching him closely, Mack seems to become more and more sad as he confesses to me.
  Whispering to my Mack, “I believe you weren't trying to hurt me but it doesn't change anything, does it?  I'm still hurt and I'm still totally trapped.”
  Closing my eyes, I try to breathe deeply.  Being hysterical right now isn't going to help with my 'emotional stability' issues.  Shit! Lashing out at Mack won't change this situation either, I know that.  But I'm just so freaked out I can't help it.  What the hell am I going to do?
  Opening my eyes, I really see Mack.  God, he looks bad.  This isn’t going well for either of us. 
  “You look awful, Mack.”
  “I'm sad, Suzanne.”  Ugh.  Dammit.
  Whispering, “I'm sorry Mack, I-”
  “I'm not sad for me, Suzanne- I'm sad for you.  I wish you felt what I feel, and I wish you believed what I believe.  I know you.  I really do know you.  And I know you can do this, but I AM sorry I waited so long to tell you.  I thought it was best at the time considering your emotional struggle and instability and with the PTA at the time.  As I said, it was never my intention to trap you.”
  Looking at Mack I do believe him.  He isn't a bad man and he’s never hurt me before, and really, what difference could the last 4 weeks have made?  Nothing really.

  “Oh, god... I'm so scared,” I finally cry.
  “I know.  But you have us in your life to help you.  And we will.”
  “Z won't.  He's gone.”
  “For now.  He's just hurt by your words.  But he loves you very much.  And given time, I'm sure he'll come back if you want him back.  Z was so shocked when we found out you were carrying.  He was stunned and then minutes later he was ecstatic.  You were so lost to us, but unbelievably, there was a child growing in you that was his.  Z suddenly felt like there was something good in all the bad we were experiencing with you.  He was so excited and happy again, after weeks of just sadness and horror.  Z couldn't breathe when you were in the hospital, watching you so physically hurt and so mentally lost to us, but the baby gave him a reason to hold on tighter.  He loves you Suzanne, but he's devastated by your reaction to the news.  Trust me, once he calms down he'll come back to you.”
  “I don't want him to come back.  I'm sorry, but I really don't.  I think I hate him for this, and I think I'm going to resent him for this forever.  Even though I know that's totally unfair, I can't help it.  I don't want this Mack, and that's not going to change.”
  “It may-”
  “It won't.  I'm going to resent Z for doing this to me and he's going to resent me for not wanting this from him.  There is just too much to overcome this time.”
  “There isn't too much, Suzanne.  You and Z can talk and find a middle ground with each other.  You can work this out.”
  “I don't think so.  Honestly, Mack… I feel nothing for him but a horrible resentment.  And I wish that wasn't true, but it is.  I don't want to see him, and if this thing is born I'll give it to him and he can keep it if he wants.  But I don't want it and I don't want to be with him with it.  I want no part in this.”
  “Suzanne, you can't possibly know what you'll feel months from now.  You can't understand how you may change.  You're making decisions now without the ability to foresee your future.  You're
barely
here emotionally, and your 'normal' personality is mediocre at best.  You're still struggling with all these new developments and changes.  Your emotions are all over the place, and you're still struggling from one moment to the next.  I can see it.”
  “I know that,
believe
me.  I KNOW I'm struggling but I’m not struggling over this.  This is an absolute for me.  Whether I was in the accident or not, I would still feel the same way.  Mack, please hear me.”
  “I'm listening, but-”
  “There is no but this time.  This is it.  Since I can't make this go away, I'll do what I have to, but I don't want to do it, and the whole time I'm going to resent it.  But tell Z for me he can have it if he wants it.”
  “It's a baby, Suzanne.”
  “Fine.  He can have the
baby
if he wants it.  I don't care.  And if that makes me horrible, so be it.  I'm a horrible person he never should've loved in the first place.  And now he's aware of it, and you're aware of it.  Everyone will know now what a horrible person I am, but I. Just. Don't. Care.”
  “You're not horrible.  Many women feel this way about motherhood.  I know that, Suzanne.  Chicago Kayla herself isn't keen on the idea of ever being a mother, but she does believe you would make a great parent.  It's sad for us who love you because we don't see you as you see yourself.  We honestly believe you're making a mistake.”
  “Well, you can believe what you want.  You can all think terrible things about me-”
  “That isn't what I said.”
  “It doesn't matter to me.  I see you all and I remember loving you all, but I feel nothing for you anymore.  You are this awesome guy, I
know
that, but I don't
feel
like you're awesome right now.  I know it but I don't feel it.  So I don't care what you think of me over this.”
  “I don't think you're terrible.  No one does.  We just think you're shocked and making bad decisions.”
  “Really?  Well, I'm sure Marcus will agree with my decision and
he'll
take me back.”  Wow.  Where did
THAT
come from?
  “Are you really going there, Suzanne?  Honestly?”
  “If I have to.”
  “Now THAT’S a horrible thing, Suzanne.  That's a truly selfish, awful thing to do.  Marcus is all twisted up over you.  He's not even rational anymore where you're concerned.”
  “Good.  Then we should be just fine together.”  Even I flinch as the sarcasm drips from my tongue.
  “This is probably the only time I have EVER been disgusted with you, Suzanne.  Please don't do this.  Don't use Marcus to fight against Z.  It's so wrong, and it lets me know just how unstable you really are.  You shouldn't be making ANY decisions, if this is the kind of decision you're willing to make.”
  “Oh, fuck off Mack!  Don't judge me!  You don't know.  You know nothing.”
  “What the hell don't I know Suzanne?  Tell me!”
  “Marcus was always good to me, and he'll support me, and I won't be lonely while I have to suffer this!  That's what.”
  “Jesus!  Grow UP, Suzanne!  You're seriously pissing me off and making me furious with you.  I realize this is very unprofessional of me, but fuck it!  You're being a total asshole right now!”  WHAT?!  Giggle.  “Go ahead and laugh.  I don't give a shit.  Suzanne, you're an adult.  You're a grown woman faced with a problem, but instead of dealing with it you're just copping out.  Grow up.  It's time.  Running back to Marcus isn't the answer.”
  “It is for me!”
  “Bullshit!  Running to Marcus isn't good for you OR for him.  I'm not sure you know this, but Marcus is really fucked up right now, Suzanne- not that you give a shit.  Frankly, I don't give a shit about him but it DOES affect you, so naturally I'm all involved again.”

  Man, he's pissed!  If it wasn't so shocking I'd probably be scared to death right now.
  “Again, I'm sure you care about no one but yourself here, but Marcus is a fucking mess.  When he found out about your baby Suzanne, he lost it and was going to strangle you!” What?! “Yeah, that’s right.  Marcus began moaning and advancing like he would strangle you and MY Kayla had to fight him away from you before she could get him removed from your room.  Marcus even back-handed Kayla in the process.”  WHAT?!  He did?
  “So, as you can imagine, I'm not a fan of his, though I do feel sorry for him.  And Kayla is amazing, I swear to god!  Kayla talked with Marcus afterward, and she saw in him a desperation and sadness so deep for you that she asked the police to drop the charges, calling the hit an 'accident' but not before we had a restraining order put into place for your protection.  I wanted to go after him, and Z damn-near killed him, but Kayla stopped us.  That's why he's only been to see you once.  THAT'S why it's a bad idea to get back together with Marcus!”  Holy shit!  Marcus?! “So, you'll have to forgive me if I don't support your decision to take on Marcus right now, out of some misguided desperation.  It's a bad fucking idea.  It's pathetic, really.”  Shit!
  “Um, I didn't know,” I whisper.
  “Of course you didn't!  We,
as usual
try our best to protect you from all the things that'll push you over the edge, if you will.  But I think we're going about your recovery wrong this time.  ME being your constant support system last year when you became better falsely led me to believe that I had to proceed the same way with you this time as well.  But now I'm sure I'm wrong.  Kid gloves are not working with you anymore.  You're using me to help you make bad decisions and you're even willing to use Marcus to make a bad decision against Z.”  This sounds kind of like a break-up to me. 
  “Mack-”
  “Let me finish, please.”  Gulping, I nod to him.  “Suzanne, I love you very much, but I think that's made me kind of soft with you, and I think it's becoming very detrimental to your emotional wellbeing.  I think I need to stop trying to be your friend first and your doctor second.  I should have been your Psychiatrist first and I've failed at that, I believe.”
  Crying out, “You haven't!  I swear.  You're a really good doctor for me.”
  “I don't think so any longer.”
  “Are you leaving me?” I beg.  Oh god,
this
I feel.  THIS hurts.
  “No, I'm not leaving you but I am going to be different with you. I'm not going to simply nod and agree to all your crap anymore. You need guidance, and clearly a firm
objective
hand before you make more bad decisions.  You may even fire me as your personal physician, but I think this is for the best.” 
  “I won't fire you!”  Oh GOD!
  “It doesn't matter Suzanne if you do.  I think we should really look into having another Psychiatrist assess you.  I don't think I'm helping you anymore.”
  “You are!  Oh, god... Please.”
  “Suzanne, I think maybe-”
  “NO Mack, please!  Please don't leave me!”  Gasp.  Shit.  I can't breathe.
  “Listen to me-”
  “NO!  Listen to ME!”  Gasp. “I need you.  Please don't leave m-me!  Please.  I'm sorry.  I'll do- whatever- you want.  I'll have this b-baby, I swear.  I won't go- back to- Marcus!  I'll do whatever- you want- me to do!  Oh, god.  PLEASE!  Ssstay with- me...”
  “Suzanne, look at me.  I want you to take a deep breath.  I want you to try to calm down.”
  “Mack, p-please don't leave- me.  I'll die again.  I swear!  You're all I have left- in this world...”  Gasp.  Pause.  Gasp.
  Grabbing for me, Mack begins shushing me.  Making little soothing noises as he rubs my back, he holds me tightly as I panic fully.  My whole body is convulsing with the fear.  I'm so scared I can't breathe.  I am so unbelievably scared of being alone; of being without Mack I can't function.
  “Please, don't leave me...” I beg.
  Soothing me, “I'm not leaving you.  I just don't want to be your doctor anymore.  It's too hard for me now.”
  “I'm so- sorry-”
  “Suzanne, I can't balance this anymore and it's not helping you.  And I want to help you again, but I think I need to do that as your friend only.  I'm sorry, but I can't be your doctor anymore.” Oh god.
  “What does that mean?” I whisper through my ragged breath.
  “It means I'll introduce you to another Psychiatrist, maybe even my own,” he laughs.  “But I can't be objective or on the fence with you anymore.  I'm angry all the time and I'm losing my once clear perspective.  I'm fighting with Kayla, and I'm fighting with Z, and now I'm fighting with you.  I'm screwing up, and I don't want that for either of us.”

  Pausing, I desperately try to get my breath back.
  “I'm sorry I'm so hard for you, but I'll be better I promise.”
  “You
will
be better.  But I don't want that for me.  I want that for you.  You have to start making decisions for you now.  Not for me.  You can't live only for me, Suzanne.  And you can't threaten to kill yourself every time I say or do something you can't handle.  It's wrong and it scares me.  And it's very unhealthy, Suzanne.”
  “But I need you,” I moan desperately.
  “I'm not going anywhere.  I'm still here for you as your
friend
.  I'll still visit every day, and I'll still be your Mack.  But that's it.  So prepare yourself, Suzanne.  The gloves are coming off.  Any attempt at professionalism is out the window.  I'm not going to hold back anymore.  And I'm going to call you on your shit now, like a friend would and should.”
  Silently, I hold Mack tighter for a long time.  I don't want to ever let him go.  I CAN'T let him go.  So if this is the new Mack- I'll take him.
  “I'm really sorry I suck, Mack.  I swear I don't mean to, but this is me I think.  I think this is what my life has made me, but I'll try to be better.  I promise.  I don't want to lose you and if you want to be only my friend I'll take it.  God, I know I love you so much, I just don't really feel if yet, but I know it's there.”
  “It better come back soon, Suzanne.  Otherwise, as Kayla says, I'll totally lose my shit,” he whispers in my ear.  Grinning, I hold him even tighter than I thought possible. 
  This is going to be hard.  I think Mack with the gloves off is going to be really scary for me sometimes, but as I said, I'll take it.  I know at this point I'm not strong enough to face this life without him, so I'll take anything he's willing to give me, even if it sucks.  Even if it’s really scary sometimes with the gloves off, I'll take it. 

CHAPTER 24

JUNE

  Since I've been awake, I've made remarkable progress apparently.  I'm still slow and my body is still sluggish, but my mind is pretty good now.  I'm still having physiotherapy twice a day, and I am getting stronger in my arms but my legs are still really weak, especially my left leg. 
  It’s great that I've made so much improvement.  It’s great that I have my memory back after waking so soon from a coma.  And though I'm pleased to know what my reality is, I sometimes wish I could
feel
a little more of my reality.  Well, except for the physical pain I still get on my left side, and the fear I feel knowing I haven't looked at my body yet- that I don't want to feel ever, obviously.
  It's almost funny how I've trained my eyes to NEVER look at myself, even by accident.  I haven't seen my body or my face since I woke up, and so far I'm okay with that.  It's almost a talent really- being able to function with perfect eyesight, and yet never once catch a glimpse of your own arm or leg or face, each and every day.  Funny though, this ‘talent’ often leaves me suddenly looking upward or sideways like a moron, which I'm sure is quite amusing to those around me.  Oh well, what can I do?