Till We Rise (16 page)

CHAPTER TWENTY THREE

              Last night was a complete disaster; it was definitely a bad idea to go to talk with my best friend or whatever he likes to be called. I don’t try to be mean to him but I don’t want to see Roth anymore. He makes me want to kill him very slowly when he tries to persuade me with things he doesn’t even know about me.

              I decide to go to college, it was not in my plans, really, but I decide it because I don’t have anything to do so maybe it makes me feel good, or maybe it stresses me even more than I am at the moment, but whatever.

              I thought that I was going to be really sleepy, but fortunately I am not. I don’t feel like eating at all so I will skip breakfast today. It’s strange that I am not hungry; the last time I eat was at Northampton and I am a person with great appetite.

              While getting dressed I find out that I need to put on a little bit of make-up because I am looking extremely horrible, as always.

              It’s almost the hour so I need to leave home. I don’t remember where I left my keys so I will leave the door half open or half closed, whatever. It’s like that cliché of the half empty or half full glass of water. The pessimist sees the glass half empty and the optimist sees it half full. I am realist and I see that the fucking glass has some liquid in it.

              I don’t care about leaving the door open because here it’s somehow safe and nothing happens but the main reason why I am leaving the door that way is because I don’t care what happens. I am done with everything at this moment of my life.

              I get in the car –which is a little bit messy and dirty– and turn on the engine. I need a cabbie right now, I am not that sleepy but I am definitely too sleepy to drive at this time in the morning.

              The depressing playlist is still on shuffle and I love the songs so much I leave the list on replay. The songs make me feel sad sometimes because they are kind of slow and stuff, but they are amazing.

              I don’t even know what day of the week it’s supposed to be today, I am literally lost and I just laugh about it.

              I get to the parking lot and my usual place is taken. Ugh, why? I need to start looking for another one.

I grab my phone and my stuff and get out of the car. The sun bothers me, especially in my eyes.

              As always, I get to the Main Building and walk to my respective class. I sit down and figure out that Roth is seating on another seat, not the one he should be in; right behind me.

              Everyone is screaming and laughing and smiling and I’m the only one that’s seating on her seat and doing anything else. I am lame, to be honest.             

              Ms. Greene steps into the classroom and I realize its debate class. God, no. I also realize that it’s Tuesday today and I don’t give a fuck about that fact.

              As always, she picks two students –thanks to the Lord I am not one of them– and they start the debate –I don’t know what is about and I don’t really care. I just stare at the ceiling and wait for the minutes to pass and the class to end.

              It does, it always ends. You just have to wait until it’s over. And that moment of waiting is the most annoying one; you don’t know what to do to make time pass faster, you just stand there, doing nothing.

              The bell rings and I get up immediately, like everyone else. This class is so stupid for everyone else who’s not debating –over thirty people approximately– and the ones who are for sure want to kill themselves. Honestly, if some day I get called by Ms. Greene I prefer to start running.

              I start walking along the corridor, looking for Theodore but I feel that I am not going to find him today. Perhaps he is too tired and didn’t come to college today, who knows.

              There are some colorful papers on the walls, they really call my attention. I approach the nearest I can manage to see and start reading:

              “Biggest Party Ever

              Next Tuesday 27
th

              156 Ellingwood St”

              It’s today! I have no friends but I will go anyways. It’s near home too and that’s cool, I can go walking, really. The thing is I don’t actually have clothes to go to the party, as I don’t have a lot of them I always use the same kind of clothes because I don’t know what else to use.

              I keep walking and I finally see Roth far away. I kind of start running like a total dork but I need to talk to him, no matter what kind of argument we had last night. I said I didn’t want to talk with him but I think I changed my mind.

              “Roth,” I say while running, “Roth,” I repeat.

              He turns his gaze and stares at me as if I am totally out of my mind and I am doing something completely crazy.

              “What?” I ask.

              “Nothing,” he says giggling.

              I am breathless; I am definitely not physically fit to run for about twenty seconds.

              “Listen,” I say between breathes.

              “Yeah?”

              “Are you going to this party tonight?”

              “Are you?” he says kind of impressed and sarcastic at the same time.

              It’s not that I’ve never been to parties, come on. I am not that of a party person but I know how to party and the last three parties I went to were with Roth so…

              “Yes, I am, Roth,” I try to sound a little bit serious but I fail.

              “It’s going to be interesting, then,” he says, “See you there”

              “Uh, okay?”

              He turns around and leaves. I was going to tell him if he wanted me to give him a ride to the party but it seems that he has other plans. Anyway, I wanted to go walking.

              I have another class I don’t want to have, and I am about to skip it but lately I skipped lots of them so I am not taking advantage of my disinterest in college again. So I just walk where I have to reluctantly and sit where I always do.

• • •

              I get up from my daily nap and take a quick shower. I haven’t had something to eat yet because I am not even hungry and I am not that bored to eat, although my energy is bad I still don’t want to.

              It’s almost eleven o’clock –I overslept– and I have to get prepared for this party I will attend today. The thing is I love fashion but I don’t have enough money to buy the clothes I like so I can’t dress correctly, I have to try hard with the ones that I have. Like, I swear I have an amazing taste in clothes but I can’t show it properly because I can’t buy the things I would like to wear.

              I start looking for something. Let’s take into account that today is a cold and kind of windy day and I don’t want to get flu or something of the sort.

              I look for a pair of denims –I am obsessed with them– and I am between two of them. I finally choose the mid-rise distressed jeans; I’m going to wear them with a black crew neck knit top and, of course, with my Dr. Martens. Those shoes follow me everywhere. I can’t live without them, literally.

              I get dressed and go directly to the bathroom to get my make-up done and to comb my hair and all that girly stuff that I have to do whenever I get out of my house.

              The weather is not that bad after all, so I am definitely going to go walking because it’s less than five blocks away. Besides, there is probably going to be cars everywhere and I won’t have a place to park mine so it’s a problem less.

              We usually get to parties at ten o’clock or so, but this time I am going later because (a) my nap was longer than I expected and (b) I don’t want to be by myself all the time waiting for someone to show but (c) I will not be waiting for anybody, anyway.

              I walk down the stairs and I almost pass out. I go to the kitchen to have a cold glass of water because I am going to die in this instant moment.

              I am not that interested in going to the party but I need to set my mind in other things. I plan on drinking just a little bit –now that I’ve drunk something for the first time with Theodore– and nothing else.

              I take a look at myself in the mirror for the last time and then leave, placing the keys under the carpet that’s outside my house. I know it’s not that secure to leave them there and it’s totally out of my mind but I don’t care, yesterday I left the door literally open and nothing happened.

              The night is nice-looking and I have a good feeling about this one. I am so near the party that I am able to hear the music that comes from it and the people that is getting there is so loud that I hear them too.

I am kind of shy and now I am a lot more because I am by myself, I want to get there and find Roth immediately, but I know that he won’t give me his attention because of the argument and stuff. Besides, today in college he was so weird with me, we were talking and he kind of wanted to go to another place… I don’t want to eat you, my friend, keep calm.

I get to 156 Ellingwood Street and automatically step into the house, the music is loud, the people is crazy, there is alcohol everywhere, people smoking weird shit, among others.

When I step inside I realize that no one bothered to look at me because I am another random person. I don’t know if this is good or bad because (1) they aren’t looking at me because they don’t care about me or, (2) they aren’t looking because I am kind of invisible or, (3) they aren’t looking because nobody knows who I am or finally, (4) they are living their lives and no one cares about nobody else but themselves.

It’s probably a mix between the four of my points; they don’t care about nobody but I am nobody so they don’t care about me. I need to stop over thinking, as always.

The music is pumping in my ears and I love it, I feel the adrenaline passing through my veins. The people is completely out of their minds, they are shouting, dancing, moving from side to side, running upstairs and laughing really hard.

There are some faces I’ve already seen at college, such as Lisa –I hate her–, Sam, Peter and Kate. We share some classes and I know them because they have participated several times and the professor called their names and I am a very reminiscent person and I remember their faces and their names.

“Hey you” Kate yells, “Calypso, isn’t it?” she says again at me. I can’t believe that she knows who I am.

“Yeah,” I say smiling. I completely changed my posture, I mean, the way I was standing; I was very cramped before and I am now relieved.

“Do you want something to drink, huh?” she asks with a mysterious tone of voice. Kate is standing at a corner of the house with some bottles; she seems that she is offering drinks to whoever passes by.

“Sure,” I answer, “Why not?”

She grabs a bottle of vodka and pours it into a red plastic glass; she grabs another bottle of something I don’t know what is and tips it out again.

“There you go,” she says while handing the glass to me.

“Thanks,” I say shyly.

“See ya,” she winks at me.

I take a sip and it’s extremely disgusting, but I am going to drink it nevertheless because I don’t feel like being sober anymore. I want to have fun and make some friends if it’s possible.

I start dancing in the middle of the place; some boy grabs me from behind and starts dancing with me. We dance together the whole song and I kind of enjoy it. I turn around to look at his face, he is really hot. He has hazel eyes and blond hair. I want to talk to him but I can’t, I remember about someone. Theodore.

“Hey,” he says. He starts the conversation; I am not the one who started it so I am not responsible about it.

“What’s your name?” he adds while approaching me. I make a step back because I don’t want him to get near me. I was wrong, I don’t like him anymore.

“Uh, Calypso,” I answer.

“Nick,” he says while smiling. We are both dancing, “Nice to meet you,” he adds.

Suddenly, I see Roth –my salvation– walking down the stairs and I want to get out of this conversation that has just started.

“Sorry, uh, I need to go,” I say and instantly walk to where Roth is.

He is extremely handsome, honestly. He is wearing a blue paneled thermal Henley and dark skinny jeans. He seems drunk because of the way in which he is walking, moving from side to side, his eyes are kind of lost.

“Looking good,” I say while standing in front of him.

“Oh, hey, what’s up, Cal?” he says. He is definitely drunk considering the way in which he reacted. I mean, he was supposed to be mad at me but everything seems to be extremely okay.

“Hey, dude,” I yell. The music is too loud.

Suddenly, the world starts spinning around, my thoughts are incoherent and I kind of stagger really badly on the stairs.

“Woah. Easy,” he says, “CALYPSO VON STEEMBERG DRUNK?” he laughs and I laugh too.