Till We Rise (15 page)

CHAPTER TWENTY ONE

              I am feeling ridiculously strange, I can’t move from my bed and I don’t want to. I have been thinking about calling Roth but I can’t stop crying, thus, I can’t say a word.

           Besides, I can’t call Roth considering the last time we saw each other we had a stupid and unnecessary argument and now I can’t have a conversation with him when I need my best friend the most.

                         I decide to charge my phone to take a look at the notifications and stuff and it appears to have more than forty missed calls from
her
and other ones from my best friend –although I thought that he wasn’t going to call me, maybe we are not as immature as I thought.

I can’t think of anything at this moment, really. All I want is to have Theodore by my side again. The worst part is that we’ve seen each other four hours ago.  I grab my phone and start texting.

                        
Come here, I need you. The door’s open.

                         I get on my feet and walk directly to the bathroom. On the way I start undressing myself, throwing the clothes on the floor. Nothing matters to me.

                         I open the tap of the bath and step directly into it. I am kind of sleepy and my eyes are hurting because of the crying session I have just had in my room.

                         I close my eyes and relax…

                         “Cal, love, Cal,” I hear a soft voice. I can’t answer because I am peacefully sleeping and I don’t want to wake up.

                         “Calypso,” this voice starts speaking again. I keep still and give no answer.

                         Suddenly, someone starts to shake me back and forth, I wake up startled and scream, “WHERE’S MY MOM?” unconsciously.

                         “Hey, I’m here,” Theo caresses my cheek and gives me a kiss on my forehead.

                         I remember that I am completely naked under the water. I take a look at myself and then turn my gaze to Theodore, who nods as if everything is okay, which it is completely not.

I stare deeply at him, looking right into his dark eyes, making me feel some security I felt long ago, when I hugged
her.

“What’s going on?” he asks grabbing my hair softly and wetting it.

I close my eyes and start crying again, out of breath, as if everything I had in my life has disappeared, which in fact did and now the fact that I am completely naked under the water while being spoiled by Theodore makes everything even more miserable.

“Shhhh,” he says, “Everything is going to be okay.”

I just remain lying on the bathtub while Theodore washes my hair and body. His movements are as soft as cotton and gentle as a lamb, I want to stop this moment and stay like this forever, because I am not ready to face my life yet.

The water is nice and his touch is too. He makes me feel like a little girl that doesn’t know how to wash herself. It’s incredible, honestly.

                         “Ready,” he says while grabbing a towel and making me a gesture to get up.

                         I get up without hesitation and my world start spinning around, as if I am completely dizzy, making my head and stomach ache. I close my eyes steadily until I feel properly.

                         Theodore places the towel around my body and politely caresses my back and arms. I love how he is trying to make me feel better; everything seems so cold that I can’t really enjoy his love.

                         I attempt to smile at him but obviously fail, making me feel a lot worse than I was feeling before.

                         He smiles at me in response, grabs my hand and starts walking towards my bedroom. I wish he wasn’t since I find it completely embarrassing and hate the idea of he being in my bedroom; it’s
my
place and it has my secrets and stuff. It’s also totally girly and has pictures of me when I was little and he is probably going to see them and laugh about them, but I can’t think about these things right now.

                         I follow him cautiously, grabbing the towel that is wrapping my body with one hand and grabbing his with the other one.

When we reach to my room, he makes his way to the bed and I make mine too.

                         “You need to sleep,” Theo says while clutching the pink quilt, moving it to a side and making a nice gesture for me to step into bed, as I do afterwards.

                         I lie in bed completely soaked; at least I’m covered with a towel. I feel kind of cold but I always am so I am used to it.

                         Theodore covers me completely with the bedspread and gives me another kiss on the forehead. It seems that he likes the kiss on the forehead, I mean; he always does it, in fact, I love it.

                         He starts walking towards the door, making me feel hurt because he is leaving me and I don’t want anyone else to leave my life anymore.

                         “Stay,” I try to speak loudly. I try.

                         He stops when he hears my words. It’s the first time I talk to him during this hour we have been together. I try to pull myself together.

                         “I’m here,” Theo says while approaching me. He steps into bed with me and entwines his fingers with mines. We are kind of cuddling in a weird way but it feels nice anyways.

                         I relax a little bit and close my eyes. Being next to him makes me feel positive after all this poor moment I have had.

                         I feel his body next to mine and it sends shivers down my spine. I remember that moment in his room where we were closer than we will ever be. I remember his touch, his scent, his eyes, how his movements coordinated perfectly with mines, how he said my name, everything was so perfect it felt unreal.

                         Now I am lying next to him and don’t know what to do, after all we have been through there is nothing I can do. I am completely blank, as if it is the first time I ever saw him, as if it is the first time I am near him, as if everything that ever happened was a complete lie.

                         Sometimes the brain fails and your whole memories can fail, this time my memory seems to be blurry, as if everything that happened between Theo and I was a lie, because I know I don’t deserve him and my brain completely erases it. It’s a horrible feeling not to remember clearly who he is.

CHAPTER TWENTY TWO

I wake up in the middle of the night, sweating, feeling confused and scared, like when I was a little girl and I had a nightmare. I take a look at the room and he is not here anymore. He didn’t leave a note either. I am feeling absolutely depressed lately and I can’t be by myself.

I get up at four in the morning, I am completely out of my mind but I want to go to Roth’s place right now, because I need my best friend and as I said before, I don’t feel like being by myself at this moment.

I get dressed; I put on whatever the clothes I find, I don’t give a shit, honestly. I end up wearing some big stupid striped t-shirt and a pair of shoes I swear I’ve never seen.  I am cold so I grab a sweater; put the car keys and my phone inside a purse and leave.

I don’t know if it is cool or if it’s too depressant I don’t have to tell anyone that I am leaving at this time in the morning. It’s absolutely depressant, definitely, that I am living by myself in a house where I don’t even know who is going to pay for the bills and the food and everything. I don’t know a thing and I am going bananas.

I take a look at myself in the mirror and I am devastated, physically speaking. My make-up is completely messed up all over my face and I have big dark bags under my eyes. I couldn’t care less.

Driving is a huge deal for me right now because I hate it, you already know that, but I hate it even more when I am upset and
even more
when it’s dark outside because I can’t see a thing.

Anyway, I am going. I don’t want to explain how the way to Roth’s house is because it is assuredly awful as hell. I just want to arrive fast and forget about everything.

                         I get to the house and directly step out the car, lock it, make a quick run through the door and ring the bell for at least ten seconds.

Nobody answers for a long time, so I take a chance and try again.

                         “Who is it?” a woman curiously states from the other side of the door. I can’t hear clearly.

“Calypso,” I answer.

Elizabeth –Roth’s mom– opens the door two minutes after or so. Her face shows that she was sleeping –Of course, Calypso. It’s almost 4:30 in the morning.

                         “I need to see Roth,” I step into the house and start running to Roth’s room.

                         “At this time in the-“ I can’t hear her anymore.

                         I open the door and start screaming.

                         “Roth Peters,” I shout, “Roth, Roth.”

“Oh, my God” He gets up immediately, turns on the light and looks at me with a surprised face, “Calypso. What’s the matter with you?”

“Hey, listen. I need you,” My voice starts to shake again. Shit.

“What time is it?” he grabs his phone to check on the hour, “Oh, God, Calypso, I’m gonna kill you,” he says seriously.

                         I couldn’t help crying. All the feelings appeared again, I can’t control my emotions at this moment of my life. I just want to die, I need to die. I am about to collapse, I can’t even breathe normally, my face aches and my heart too; I think I am going to pass out. I think I am having a terrible panic attack.

                         “Hey, what’s wrong?” I can barely hear him, I am just so into what’s going on with me I am not even sure what he is saying, “Cal, tell me.” The only thing I can tell is that he seems worried.

                         “Calypso, listen to me,” he speaks again, now I am a little bit more relieved. “Are you listening to me?” he asks and I nod in response, closing my eyes.

                         “Okay, listen. Whatever has happened it’s already done,” he tries to console me, but he really doesn’t know what is going on. He really doesn’t.

                         “You need to take a deep breath and calm down.” It’s funny because I am crying on the floor and he is talking to me from his bed. Funny, huh? I am laughing about it because I don’t want to cry any longer.

                         “Breathe with me, okay?” he says and starts counting from one to five.

“One,” he states, and then he gets to number two. I start to relax as soon as he starts counting. Three, four. When he reaches to number five, I kind of feel a little bit more calmed.

                         “Perfect. Now tell me what’s going on,” Roth speaks quietly.

My eyes, full of water, are now puffed. They hurt like a bitch. I take another deep breath and another one. I am not ready to tell this.

                         “You can do it,” I am going to punch him in the face if he continues talking to me like that. I know that I am having a big problem and that I can’t talk to him but I am not a little kid. I wish I was, though.

                         “I can’t”, I say between teethes.

                         “What do you me-“

                         “I can’t,” I breathe, “I can’t.”

                         I start crying again, this time is different. My tears are full of anger. I am angry because I can’t say what is going on. I am so afraid I can’t say a word about
it
.

                         I take a look at him and he seems completely surprised and worried. His mouth is open and he is speechless. I know, I am speechless too.

                         “Roth, I need you,” I say trying to sound better than before.

                         “You’re my friend and I won’t let anything happen to you. Do you understand?” he speaks seriously. I’ve never seen Roth that serious in my entire life, to be honest. Roth has always been my real friend and having underestimated him for such a long time makes me feel really bad about it.

                         “Uh-huh.”

                         Minutes pass and I calm down a little bit, my breathing is regular and I am not crying desperately as I was somewhat ago.

“Are you okay now?” he asks cautiously. Everything seems to be at the tip of a cliff, how people talk to me, how they try to say something and how they control their body language as if I were crazy.

                         “I guess,” I state.

                         “Can we talk about some stuff?”

                         “What do you need to know?” I ask convinced that he knows every single thing about me.

                         “Where were you?”

                         “I’m here,” I giggle, pulling a little smile.

                         “Calypso, where were you?”

                         “None of your business,” I remember he told me
that
when I asked him what he had done once. He said that phrase with a tone of voice that makes me want to punch him right in the middle of his face.

                         “Calypso, look at me.” Things are turning to be more serious than I thought, “Where were you and why didn’t you answer your phone?” he starts screaming like a real man. I get scared and that makes me back off, his scream makes my ears hurt.

                         I feel like shit, everything I do is in every way wrong and I can’t do anything about it.

                         “Why are you shouting at me?” I inquire in a calm tone of voice, trying to shift down his madness.

                         “Because you’re not answering,” he yells, again.

                         “Don’t shout at me then,” I say.

                         “Answer me, plea-” he takes a deep breath and tries to speak in a normal tone of voice.

                         “Theodore,” I interrupt him, “I was with Theodore.”

                         “Oh, I swear I’m gonna kill that boy. I’M GONNA KILL HIM.”

                         “WHY, ROTH? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?”

                         “Don’t you see, Calypso? He has changed you,” Roth says. He seems that he is mad at himself for some reason.

                         I don’t believe Theodore has changed me at all. He is a good person; he is not capable of doing that.

                         “If I’ve changed it was because of me, not because of him,” I say angrily. I can’t understand why he is making this to me. He is supposed to be my best friend.

                         “But he will hur-“

                         “He makes me happy. For a few days I felt happy and it was because of him. I think I love him, Roth. And if you aren’t okay with it I don’t care,” I say pissed off.

                         “You’re so confused,” he says.

                         “Oh, yeah, of course, I forgot that you are the one who decides what my feelings are like,” I speak ironically. I hate it when he tries to do that, I mean, when he tries to convince you of something and he doesn’t stop until he does so. He is kind of manipulative sometimes.

“You are definitely confused,” he repeats while nodding. He seems so secure about what he is saying, I don’t understand why.

I am tired of arguing with him, so I am going to stop this stupid argument. I don’t really worry about losing the “fight”; the only thing that matters to me is to stop this unhealthy conversation, which is making me feel really odd.

                         “Okay, fine,” I state smiling at him.

                         “You are going to thank me later.”

                         “Sure,” I say and start walking fast and angrily to the door.

                         “Why are you leaving?” he asks.

                         “Because I don’t want to talk to you anymore.”