To Please the Doctor (20 page)

“
Oh, Sister, I
’
m so sorry. Isn
’
t there some way; isn
’
t there anything I can do about it?
”

This time there was no mistaking the sincerity of Brenda
’
s tone, and in spite of everything, Jill found herself unaccountably touched by her companion
’
s obvious concern.
“
Not a thing!
”
She dismissed the matter with a casualness
she was far from feeling, then with the conviction that the discussion had gone far enough, she rose to her feet.
“
You
’
d better be getting along, we
’
ve both wasted enough time. See what
’
s happening on the ward. I expect Matron will send for me soon, and I must go through these papers first.
”

The expected summons to Matron
’
s office was not long delayed, and as Jill tapped nervously on the door she was again overwhelmed with that schoolgirl feeling. Even Matron
’
s affability did nothing to put her at her ease, and she hoped that the interview might at least prove brief.

“
I found the letter you placed on my desk on Friday. I must say I
’
m very sorry.
”
Matron paused, obviously awaiting some comment or explanation.

“
I
’
m sorry too.
”
Jill felt that under like circumstances words could never have been more genuinely spoken, and for one mad moment she longed to burst out the true facts of the whole wretched business. Yet, on looking back, she wondered now if she had really ever intended to hand in that letter. When she had written it she had been so humiliated and miserable that it had been a relief to pen the lines as some balm to her hurt pride. She knew now that subconsciously she had only waited for Harriet
’
s inevitable persuasion to destroy it.

“
I repeat, I
’
ll be sorry to lose you. Dr. McRey was so satisfied too.
”

Jill looked up sharply, aware of a feeling of pleasure which all too quickly died. Just meaningless words, the routine sentence used no doubt to any of the staff who resigned of their own volition.
“
I
’
ll be dreadfully sorry to leave.
”
The phrase was spoken spontaneously, but when Matron replied Jill realized her own tactlessness.

“
Then I assume it is due to some private cause?
”
Matron smiled encouragingly.
“
Maybe you are considering marriage?
”

Jill hesitated miserably, it was such an easy way out and would inevitably stop all further questions, yet she could not bring herself to lie. Her silence turned out to be more effective than words, and when a few moments later she found herself in the corridor outside Matron
’
s office, she knew that Matron had drawn her own, and entirely erroneous, conclusion as to the reason for her resignation.

The interview over, Jill was at least conscious of relief, the die was cast, in a month she
’
d be leaving St. Joseph
’
s—and Duncan McRey, Her heart felt heavy, yet there was nothing she could do but accept this cruel trick of fate. With controlled bearing she did her round of the ward, the children
’
s welcome after such a brief absence warmed her heart, yet in every tremulous smile
and
flushed cheek she could visualize Terry as she had last seen him.

It was some consolation to be busy,
to keep both hands and mind occupied, and with the urge for occupation she commenced to tackle the large Christmas hampers which awaited attention in the passage. In a few moments Brenda had joined her.
“
Can I give you a hand?
”

“
Yes, I
’
ll be glad if you will. Let
’
s lug this hamper into the linen-room, we
’
ll be out of the way there.
”
She glanced surreptitiously at her Staff Nurse over the top of the wicker basket. She still looked white and drawn, but far more co
m
posed than she had been in Jill
’
s office.

Brenda unstrapped the lid and threw it
back
, then turned impulsively to Jill.
“
Your interview with Matron—you didn
’
t say anything
?
...
I mean you didn
’
t explain it was all a mistake?
”

Jill looked up quickly, anxious to discern any trace of guile in Brenda
’
s apparent anxiety, but was instantly reassured. Brenda
’
s concern was transparently honest.
“
No, it would have been quite impossible,
”
Jill replied
shortly.
Then, in order to prevent further discussion quickly turned the conversation to the matter on hand.
“
I think we
’
d better start sorting out small things suitable for the tree, and then the presents, boys
’
on one pile, girls
’
on another.
”

For a time they worked in silence, then Brenda spoke again.
‘
Aren
’
t some of these toys awful? I can
’
t think how people have the cheek to send them. Look at this engine one wheel missing, all chipped and broken, it
’
s only fit for the dustbin.
”
She held it out for Jill
’
s inspection.

“
Yes, some are pretty awful,
”
Jill agreed.
“
I
’
ve turned out a fur rabbit absolutely riddled with moth. It must have been stored away for years, but I
’
ve found some lovely
dolls, some brand ne
w—
I wish there had been just one
more, then we
’
d have had enough for all the girls
—”

“
Wouldn
’
t this one do?
”
Brenda held up a bedraggled baby doll, its face had taken on a sickly yellow hue where
the paint had worn off and its clothes were torn and dirty.
“
Oh, I know it looks hideous now,
”
she hastened on, at Jill
’
s look of disgust.
“
But I can redress it and paint the face. I
’
m quite good at that sort of thing. I did one last year that Sister Wilks had thrown out and fixed it up for my niece. You wouldn
’
t have known it.
”
She spoke with more animation than Jill had believed her capable of.

“
It would be lovely if you could!
”
Jill sat back on her heels and shifted her cramped knees.
“
I didn
’
t realize you had a niece.
”
She spoke more to make conversation than out of any real interest. During the month ahead she knew that she
’
d never be able to remain aloof. It wasn
’
t in her nature to harbour resentment, but, all the same, she had no inclination to encourage Brenda
’
s confidence.

“
Yes.
”
Brenda paused and Jill was startled by the spasm of pain which crossed her face. She was obviously thinking, perhaps even steeling herself to continue, and when she spoke her voice was charged with distress.
“
You see it was because of her
... I mean in a way, I wish I could explain and make you understand.
”

“
I don
’
t want any explanations.
”
Jill turned the matter lightly, uncomfortably aware of the tension in Brenda
’
s crouched figure.

Still holding the shabby doll in her, hands, her fingers nervously tearing at the frail, shabby material of its clothing, Brenda went on, disregarding Jill
’
s words.
“
Julie is five now, she
...
she
’
s my sister
’
s child. My sister died when she was
born
.
”
A note almost of defiance crept into her voice.
“
My sister wasn
’
t married
...
her ... her friend was killed in Germany.
”
She looked up, searching Jill
’
s face for her reaction.
“
It would have meant some orphanage, or institution. I just couldn
’
t bear the idea. She was such a darling baby, and the very first time I held her, her tiny fingers gripped mine
...
”
There was a break in her voice.
“
I found a family, such kind people, they look after her; but now she is growing up it
’
s becoming terribly expensive—shoes, clothes, and that sort of thing. That was why I was so keen on promotion, the extra money would have been a tremendous help. I ... I find it difficult to manage. I don
’
t really want the job, not for myself I mean.
I hate the idea of responsibility, it scares me stiff.
”
As Jill remained silent she went on more calmly:
“
Of course,
I could do private work, it
’
s much better paid, but then I
’
d have to live somewhere, and there might even be odd weeks in between jobs, so I wouldn
’
t dare risk it.
”

“
I certainly begin to understand.
”
Jill again shifted her cramped position on the floor.
“
But why on earth didn
’
t you tell me? Why behave as you have done all this time when a few words would have made things clear?
”

“
Telling you wouldn
’
t have helped, and I thought that if you left, Matron would inevitably give me the job. I was certain that she
’
d meant to when Sister Wilks left. Then, like a bolt from the blue I heard that Dr. Laine had recommended someone for the post.
”
The habitual trace of sulkiness had entered her tone again, but there was an expression of candour in her eyes which softened her whole demeanour.

“
I wish you
’
d told me.
”
The words were certainly spoken from Jill
’
s heart as she realized how different it might have been for her—those awful days at the beginning, that fight to justify herself in Duncan McRey
’
s eyes
...
Yes, she must even have cared then, and as she looked back she believed that love must have come to her that night on the jetty when they had sat watching the darkness of the sea and felt the beat of waves at their back ... It had been the first time he had shown her any kindness or concern, yet she hadn
’
t known ... Jill
cl
osed her eyes for a moment as she relived that hour; then, with a tremendous effort, thrust it from her mind and returned to the present.
“
It would have helped so much if I had known ... you made it very hard for me.
”

“
I know. I
’
m desperately sorry, and now, all because of me, you have to leave.
”
There was unmistakable regret in Brenda
’
s voice.

“
Yes, I
’
m afraid so,
”
Jill instilled a note of unconcern into her voice.
“
Well, it can
’
t be helped now, so it
’
s no use crying over spilt milk. You must tell me more some time about that little niece of yours. Now we
’
d better be thinking about lunch. Suppose you go off now, I
’
ll go to second lunch when you get back.
”