To Please the Doctor (19 page)

Jill looked up quickly. She felt sure from his tone that had he been wont to use the phrase, he might well have added,
“
I couldn
’
t care less.
”
His indifference was like a stab at her heart, yet in a way it was perhaps as well, since it gave strength to her flagging spirits.
“
It
’
s hardly fair to involve Dr. McRey. This is my affair alone. I should have destroyed the letter. I didn
’
t, so I must now abide by the results,
”
she said firmly, glad that neither of her companions could know the tearing ache at her heart as she realized the finality of her own words.

The rest of the evening seemed to Jill to drag interminably. She longed to be alone to relax, to drop this mask behind which she was trying to hide her true feelings. With relief she saw him rise and make ready to leave. The touch of his hand on her shoulder as he held her coat brought stinging tears to her eyes, and she was glad of the covering blanket of night as Harriet
’
s front door closed behind them.

The journey to hospital was silent. Jill wondered could her companion have known that she could scarcely trust herself to speak, fearful as she was of betraying her true feeling by a single word or gesture.

“
Here we are.
”
He alighted and held the door for her.
“
Good night...
”

Jill felt her hand clasped in his firm hold. With a tremendous effort she forced a note almost approaching gaiety into her voice.
“
Good night and thanks so much for the lift—I
’
m sure I
’
d still be waiting at some wayside junction if it hadn
’
t been for you!
”

He dismissed her remark with a short laugh, then added with an underlying note of gravity:
“
I
’
m sorry you are forced to leave against your will; you mustn
’
t worry too much about it.
”

Then he had realized something of her true emotions, her effort to hide them hadn
’
t deceived him?
“
I
’
ll try not to.
”
Again she forced a note of gaiety into her voice, but as she watched him turn away and re-enter the car she knew that this time she was well and truly beaten. Brenda
Malling
had played her trump card!

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Jill had never
been more conscious of that
“
Monday morning feeling
”
than she was on the day following her week-end leave. At least, she argued, there was good reason. The week-end had hardly been relaxing. Harriet
’
s disclosure on the Sunday evening had shaken her beyond belief, and on top of that the discovery of her feeling for Duncan McRey had
s
hattered
th
e very foundations of her ordered existence. The blue shadows beneath her eyes betrayed her lack of sleep, and she was sure that the most careful application of cosmetics had not wholly concealed the traces of tears which she had shed during her long hours of wakefulness.

The first sight of her office did nothing to alleviate her distress. Her desk was piled with litter, and Dun
c
an McRey
’
s white coats were again flung over the one and only armchair. With ill-concealed impatience she thrust them willy-nilly into the cupboard where they belonged; then, with ruthless disregard for Brenda
’
s feelings, she swept the offending articles from off the top of her desk. The flowers in the vase were stale and drooping, and the water a greenish yellow, and as she flung them away she couldn
’
t help wondering what her old Sister at Baldwin
’
s would have had to say if her office had been left in such a state for her return from leave.

Some kind of order restored, Jill seated herself at her desk and, with an almost unconscious action, opened the drawer where her letter to Matron had rested. It was a futile movement, she could hardly have expected to see it, yet somehow its absence only renewed within her that first sense of shock. It was perhaps unfortunate that Brenda
’
s appearance should have coincided with that feeling.

“
Good morning, Sister, I
’
ve come to report. There isn
’
t much really—just one admission, and I
’
ve put all other notes on your desk.
”

“
You seem to have put everything you
’
ve handled during
my absence on my desk. I
’
ve never seen such a disgraceful muddle in all my life.
”
Jill made no effort to conceal her anger.

“
You asked me not to interfere with your room, so
I left any correspondence or notes for you to deal with.
”
Brenda spoke with an air of injury which only served to anger Jill more.

“
Don
’
t twist my meaning, Nurse. You know perfectly well what I mean.
”
Jill swung round in her chair and faced the other girl squarely.
“
Naturally I passed my keys on to you when I left on Friday, but you
k
new that the centre drawer of my desk was for my personal use. Why did you open it?
”

“
How was I to know?
”
Brenda protested.
“
I was looking for the poison register and thought it might be there.
”
She paused for a moment before continuing, then went on:
“
I saw a letter there ... I do hope I did right, it was addressed to Matron. I wondered if you
’
d overlooked it, so I handed it in.
”

Brenda
Malling
’
s air of innocence was like a fan to Jill
’
s anger. She almost felt like striking the girl. With a tremendous effort at control she spoke quietly.
“
I consider your action presumptuous. I am not in the habit of overlooking important letters—and one hardly writes to Matron of trivialities. I fully understand your urge to expedite my departure, but even that hardly excuses your action.
”

“
How could I guess what was in the letter?
”
Brenda began, but Jill without ceremony broke in on her companion
’
s words.

“
Don
’
t lie—you didn
’
t send it without knowing.
”
Jill gave a short, mirthless laugh.
“
It might too well have been a complaint about you, the letter was unsealed and you read it.
”

“
All right—I did,
”
Brenda admitted, her dark eyes flashing defiantly.
“
That doesn
’
t mean that I didn
’
t imagine you might have forgotten to send it yourself.
”

“
Nonsense!
”
Jill summarily dismissed the prevarication.
“
One doesn
’
t forget that kind of thing. Since the very first day I arrived here you have used every means in your power to make me resign! Well, you
’
ve succeeded, and I hope that now you are satisfied!
”
It was so unusual for Jill to lose her temper that she found herself trembling in every limb.

“
In any case, I am here for another month. I hope it isn
’
t asking too much for you to be civil during that brief period. You might, by the way, also try to learn a little too—at least with regard to tidiness and keeping order. You
’
ll stand very little chance of holding down a post as Sister if you don
’
t.
”

“
I shan
’
t be Sister.
”

“
What? After all the trouble you have gone to! You led me to believe that if it hadn
’
t been for Dr. Laine
’
s inopportune mention of my name when Sister Wilks left, the position would automatically have fallen to you. You don
’
t mean to tell me that you
’
ll derive no benefit from your successful efforts to get rid of me?
”
She couldn
’
t keep a note of sarcasm from her voice.

“
I didn
’
t particularly want to get rid of you.
”
Brenda
’
s voice held that unmistakable note of resentment to which Jill had become accustomed.

For a moment Jill remained silent staring at the girl before her. Brenda
’
s face looked even paler than usual against the dark sweep of her hair showing beneath her cap, and her whole bearing lacked her usual air of arrogance. Having accomplished all she
’
d set out to do she could afford to soften, Jill decided, but she had suffered too much at Brenda
’
s hands to be easily moved.
“
You don
’
t expect me to believe that, do you? You
’
ve admitted that you deliberately handed in my notice. Now, you say you didn
’
t want me to leave! The whole thing is ridiculous, and I don
’
t think we need discuss it further.
”
With an air of dismissal Jill turned her attention to the files on her desk.

“
Please, let me try to explain.
”

This time there was no doubting the note of appeal in Brenda
’
s voice, and Jill, despite her feelings, felt constrained to give her a hearing.

“
Let me try... you must listen.
”

Jill was naturally kind and easily moved to sympathy, yet Brenda had made her suffer so much
...
but now Brenda
’
s unmistakable air of distress touched her,
and she refrained from voicing the bitter words of resentment which sprang to her lips; instead she found herself pulling forward a chair and saying gently,
“
You look thoroughly
washed out. You
’
d better sit down and tell me what
’
s troubling you.
”

Brenda sank down gratefully in the chair. For a moment she hesitated, then began to speak.
“
Matron told me Sunday that you were leaving; when she sent for me I knew what it was about.
”
Her lips twisted into a wan smile.
“
At least I
thought
I did.
”
She looked up as if to make sure of her companion
’
s attention.
“
She said that she intended replacing you, that I ... I wasn
’
t suitable for the post
...
She said Dr
.
McRey wouldn
’
t approve. He
’
d want someone with more experience.
”

“
So that
’
s what happened!
”
Jill could not resist a tiny feeling of elation, but it was not for long. Her heart smote her when she became aware of Brenda
’
s utter dejection.
“
Surely it isn
’
t all that important, you are still young and there is plenty of time ahead of you.
”

“
That
’
s what Matron said, but I
’
m tired of waiting.
”

“
I
’
ve had a longer training, and in a teaching hospital; that makes a difference I expect.
”
Jill was annoyed at her own easy capitulation, but, used as she was to Brenda
’
s self
-
possession, this sudden change could not fail to evoke her sympathy.
“
I
think
you are unduly concerned about it. I
’
m leaving—that
’
s what you wanted, isn
’
t it? You
’
ll get another Sister instead of me, that
’
s al
l.
”
She tried to instil a note of lightness into her tone.

“
I
’
d rather you stayed than have someone else.
”

This really seemed too much. Jill hardly knew whether to be angry or amused. It was perhaps fortunate that her sense of humour came to her aid.
“
I think that
’
s the limit!
”
she exclaimed with a laugh.
“
You make my life a misery, even manage to turn me out, and now you say you want me to
stay.
”

“
Oh, don
’
t you understand?
”
Brenda leaned forward and her eyes were like dark pools in the pallor of her face, her hands clasped together in her lap twisted convulsively.
“
I wanted that job. I want it so much ... it meant
...
it meant everything to me! I don
’
t dislike you, I never have. Why should I? If I
’
m not to get promotion then I
’
d rather you stayed than have someone new again
... What a fool I
’
ve been; oh, what a fool!
”

“
I
think
you are making a tremendous fuss about nothing,
”
Jill spoke with a note of authority. Brenda being
sullen and rude was one thing, but hysteria
was something that Jill felt in no mood to deal with.
“
Now pull yourself together and view this thing reasonably. I
’
m leaving and you
’
ve only yourself to blame. It might have been better to make sure of stepping into my shoes before acting, but you didn
’
t, so that
’
s that. Now you must just put up with things as they are.
”

“
Must you go? Couldn
’
t I explain to Matron?
”

“You
could
explain, yes
...
”
Jill paused as she considered her words, then went on.
“
But you see it wouldn
’
t help very much. I do happen to have written the letter; I would not humiliate myself by saying I wanted to change my mind now.
”

“
I was afraid you might feel like that.
”
Brenda
’
s figure slumped despondently in her chair.
“
Oh, I wish I hadn
’
t been so stupid—why, why didn
’
t I stop to think?
”

“
I shouldn
’
t be so miserable about it if I were you. After all,
you
have only to face a new Sister,
I
have to face a new job!
”
It hadn
’
t been easy to find sympathy and to dismiss from her mind all the irretrievable harm she had suffered at this girl
’
s hands. Brenda couldn
’
t of course know of that secret link which now bound her to St. Joseph
’
s. She could no doubt get a job easily enough, but the very idea of a new post made her head spin. The very thought of another hospital, any work without Duncan McRey would seem flat and dreary. It seemed as if she had reached the parting of the ways, and when she left St. Joseph
’
s it would be the end of her nursing career. That was absurd. The idea must be instantly dismissed from her mind. She
’
d have to go on, and with the passage of time no doubt she would forget him. What would he think if he knew the truth? The question certainly had a sobering effect, and showed her only too clearly the unreasonableness of this love. The futility of trying to justify herself only added to her confusion, and with a determined effort she turned back to her companion.
“
Yes, I have to find a new job.
”