Too Busy for Your Own Good (30 page)

Rise slowly if you're seated.

Maintain eye contact—let your eye contact wander around their upper face, don't stare like a zombie.

Slow your breathing—your fight-or-flight system increases your heart and breathing rates.

Cross your arms or hold your hand out with the “stop sign” gesture if you're feeling strong.

Snap them out of it with the sweetest word they know—their own name. “Sylvia!” “Ivan!” The worst thing you can say is “Calm down,” “Wait a minute,” or “Stop.” Instead, try one of the following:

Ask for a solution: “I can see that this is a really big problem to you—what can we do together to help solve it?” or “What would you like me to do to help solve it?”

Ask, “Is there anything else?” Don't let them play on your instinct to defend.

Ask them to leave: “I feel overwhelmed right now. I would like you to come back when you're less angry.”

Leave yourself: “I'm going to leave now and I'll come back when we can talk about it in a little bit more productive manner.” Behave with silent strength.

After someone's blown up, make an appointment or go in and see them as soon as they're calm again. Tell it like it is using your “I statement”: “I feel very frustrated when you stand in my department yelling and get my whole group upset. I would prefer that you not do this in the future.”

You find them everywhere—the person who has already made up his mind about the situation and he's going to let you know it in no uncertain terms. Perhaps you work with
someone who thinks she already knows the solution, and there doesn't seem any way to open her mind to an alternative. Whether they really do know it all or they just think they do, stick with this formula.

Be totally present. Make verbal attends (noises) such as “ah huh,” “OK,” “right,” “sure,” and “hmm.”

Lean forward and nod slowly.

Paraphrase or repeat what they've said—even if you don't believe it.

“Columbo” them: “Ah, could you, wait, wait just a minute, I'm not quite sure when you said . . .” Watch Peter Falk in the classic reruns of “Columbo.” He was a master of allowing people to speak until they hung themselves. He didn't go head-to-head with the know-it-all, he just let them talk, often acting a bit dense or slow-witted.