Too Busy for Your Own Good (46 page)

Activities involving everyone are written in black.

Note birthdays, anniversaries, and special days.

Mark holidays.

Add scheduled vacations with leave-the-house times (i.e., “4:30
A.M
. leave for airport,” not “Flight at 8:30
A.M
.”).

Each member has a specific color for his or her activities.

Note scheduled doctor appointments and professional visits.

Note after-school or extracurricular activities and times.

Note all save-the-date appointments.

Times are posted to include departure and arrival times. That is, “4:15–6:15 Yoga” includes fifteen minutes for travel time each way for a 4:30 to 5:30 lesson plus a half hour for your grocery run.

Put parentheses around any posting that is tentative or unconfirmed.

Erase parentheses when it's permanent.

You may already do this and have it all plugged into your handheld, but once it's up there for the whole family to see, they'll better understand your methods. (They might even learn when they can and cannot push you.) Print out the calendar and evaluate what needs to be curbed, altered, or
eliminated
.

Family members will learn to piggyback on each other's activities, saving not only time but also money on gas and with multiple-user discounts. They will start self-regulating and managing their own time when they realize that in order to pursue a new interest, they must give up another. Everyone will choose those activities that align with goals and time available.

I believe that we've been afraid of our inner bitch for too long. In the literal sense, a bitch is a female canine that does not yield to scorn from her challengers—she'll stand her ground until they back down, especially when protecting her pups. If your “busy” is out of control at home, it's time
to flaunt your healthy inner bitch. I know, you've probably already tried barking and snapping at your family or housemates. The problem with this is they all know they just have to outlast you or ignore you and you'll back down, give up, and go away. It's time to be consistent—set your house rules and stand your ground.

Implementing big changes in the structure and regulation of your household might seem so, well, military. But I've found one consistent thread of long-lasting marriages and families that are inoculated against chaos in the midst of crazy busyness—they are
vigilant watchdogs
of their values and standards. In rough economic times or during health challenges, they had
rules
, which everyone could rely on to be consistent. You want your home to be a touchstone of consistency upon which all family members can trust, rely, and receive comfort.

The pups (family members) may rebel at first, but display your healthy inner bitch and stand your ground for the new house rules.

The inner bitch sets a regular time that is absolutely positively no-excuses family time without interruption, meaning zero distractions—phone ringers off, no TV, no texting, no earbuds. Make consequences for absence or infractions, such as losing a privilege or financial penalty. Start with the same night each week and work up to more. Most families start with “family dinner night.” Communication and connection come “in the spaces” during offhand questions, brief comments, and silences. You may be chewing in silence with sullen teenagers, but stick to it, you're building a tradition. You're building something valuable—a running dialog. Create those spaces, because communicating
now
means less acting out
to be heard
later. To the
inner bitch, family time saves time, energy, and busyness in the future.