Totally Fishy (A Miller Sisters Mystery) (9 page)

"Yes, I did."

With a mouthful of pizza, Evo asked, "What did you do, Tony? Was that
really
my suitcase the rental guy had?"

"Uh, Yes."

"Why does the rental man have my suitcase, Tony?"

Tony took a swallow of courage. "Uh, because it wouldn't fit in the trunk."

"So, we were one suitcase too many which
you
packed, in a too-small car which
you
rented, yet
your
suitcase made it into the trunk, and some rental guy has mine?"

"Uh, I guess you could look at it that way."

"And what way would you rather I look at it, oh dead brother of mine?"

"Well, I got your clothes out first, and this will give you a chance to buy new luggage."

"I didn't need new luggage, Tony, and I liked that suitcase." Evo picked up his beer and wandered to the window. He pushed the curtain out of the way and froze. He stayed like that for several seconds, and Tony walked over to see what held his fascination. Across the street stood a huge sign in front of an enormous storefront which looked to be borrowed from Paul Bunyan's cabin. The words
Gander Mountain
made Tony smile. He sighed. He would live another day. He made the sign of the cross, thankful he was off the hook.

"Don't for a minute think this lets you off the hook, Tony boy."

"I'm sure it doesn't, Evo, but it sure softens the blow, don't it?"

"Considerably." Evo put down the unfinished slice of pizza and yawned. "Well, it's going to be an early morning of shopping for me, so I'm hitting the sack. Don't wait for me, I'll find my own way to White Bass Lake."

"But, Evo, we're on vacation together."

"There's no
together
about giving away my suitcase little brother. Get lost."

"Okay. Good night. You'll see, Evo, everything will look better in the morning."

"Uh, Yeah."

7

The morning found Evo staring out the window just as Tony had left him a few hours earlier. Before he could speak, Evo said, "Hey, Tony, I have a new idea. Why don't you take the micro-car and the Brothers Gallegos and go on to White Bass Lake. I'm not sure they could find it on their own. I'll get some other form of transportation and meet you there. Write me out some directions so I don't get lost and I'll be fine."

"What if I need to talk to you?"

Evo dropped the curtain. "That's why we have satellite cell phones,
Dr.
Almost
."

"That's
Almost
Doctor to you, Mister. Why can't we hang out and go together?"

"Because I'm still pissed about my clothes, I want to take my time shopping, and one way or another, I'll find a vehicle I can fit in without decapitating myself, that's why. He looked out the curtain again. "I need clothes, Tony."

Tony smiled. "So do Luis and Alfredo. We could all go over there and shop."

"I'd rather go alone."

"Shopping is no fun alone."

"Shopping is no fun, period."

"You'll probably go missing in Gander Mountain without me. I may never see you again."

"I'd rather go alone, Tony."

"That, sir, is not an option."

"Damn."

Tony smiled. "Life's a bitch."

"And so are you. Go wake the brothers; I'm going shopping now."

"I'm all over it." Tony bounded out of the room to round up Luis and Alfredo, and Evo packed up his hygiene kit.

Evo finished dressing and didn't bother shaving. He rubbed his chin and said to the mirror, "Hell, I'm on vacation."

They all met at the car, and Evo opted to walk rather than ride. Tony crossed the street with him to the entrance. They couldn't help but stare as they passed under the huge log entrance and through the front doors.

Evo felt like a kid at Christmas as he gazed in wonder across what looked like acres of outdoor gear and clothing. "Wow," was all he could say as he ran his hand over the ATV that stood next to him. "Look at this, Tony. Camo! I've
got
to get me one of these. Look, saddlebags you can pack stuff in. I could sure use this in the field. Hey, it comes with its own cooler. I could pack samples and specimens without racing against time and decay. How much?" He rummaged around looking for a price tag. "This is so cool." He rummaged around some more and flipped over a tag. "Here it is, eleven grand plus the trailer." He spun around and looked at Tony. "That's not bad, is it?"

"Depends. If I were paying for it, I'd say yeah, but since it's you, the only thing I have to say is, how are you going to get it home?"

Evo was on his back looking under the rear axles. He poked his head out from underneath and looked at Tony with a dazed expression. "I didn't think about that. It would cost a couple of grand to ship it home. Maybe it's a good you're here with me." He jumped up and brushed off his jeans. "I'm not even ten feet inside the door and about to spend thousands."

Tony laughed, clapped Evo on the shoulder, and shoved him down the aisle. "Let's get you some clothes while you're still a rich man, shall we?"

They each grabbed a cart and headed for the men's department. As they passed the front door again, they saw the brothers Gallegos standing just inside, gaping at the moose head hanging on the wall. Tony poked Evo and laughed, "They'll probably still be there when we come back." Grinning, he took off ahead of Evo.

Three hours and several thousand dollars later, four happy men exited the store. Luis was dressed like a Peruvian
Crocodile Dundee
with his khaki bush outfit and Australian hat. Alfredo looked like
Nanuk of the North,
complete with wolf-skull hat and knee-high fur boots. Tony bought a disposable camera and took pictures of them standing under the moose head.

Tony turned the camera on his brother. Evo was busy taking inventory of his purchases. Evo'd bought some killer polo shirts and chamois shirts in every color of the rainbow. He'd bought blue jeans, a
Carhart
jacket, and cargo pants. He'd also bought a fish tie and a foam rubber cheese-wedge hat.

Sunglasses, ball caps, hiking boots, sandals, tennis shoes, socks, cargo shorts, two sets of fishing gear, and a license filled two more bags. A tent, camping gear, an air mattress, and a king sized sleeping bag leaned against his leg. He'd also included beef jerky, C-rations, and freeze-dried ice cream.

As they stood out in front of the store with bags and boxes piled high around them, Tony scratched his head and said, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, Evo! Where the hell are you going to put all this? Good thing I gave away your suitcase. We'll never fit all this in the trunk…"

Pow
. Tony flew backward as Evo punched him in the jaw. He landed on his butt and rolled onto the sidewalk. He looked up, rubbing his jaw. "Are you happy now?"

Evo narrowed his eyes. "My day is complete. I'm very happy, you rotten little shit. You're lucky I let you live after you gave away my suitcase and screwed up the car. So don't go razzing me about how much stuff I bought."

Tony held up his hands and scooted out of his reach. "Hey, Evo, don't kill me yet, I'm on vacation. I knew you'd buy new stuff anyway. Heck, you're going to need a truck–"

Evo held up a hand, effectively shutting his brother up. He cocked his head, and Tony could hear a rumble in the distance. A huge black Dodge truck came slowly around the side of the store. It rolled to a stop in front of the South American "Shop-'Til-You-Drop Crew," and a tall man wearing a red polo shirt jumped out of the driver's side door. A man in a blue mechanic's uniform pulled alongside.

Tony poked Evo in the ribs and said, "
Hah
. Mr. Polo shirt looks like your kind of guy."

"Shut up or I'll hit you again." Tony shut up.

The man in the polo shirt walked up to Evo and asked, "Mr. Castillo?" Evo nodded.

"Let's step over here and we can take care of business." He led Evo to the tailgate, and retrieved a briefcase from the truck. After signing stacks of papers Evo shook the man's hand. The mechanic and the brothers had everything loaded in the back of the truck and were in the process of emptying the Suzuki and stuffing Evo's clothes into his new duffel bags.

Tony's mouth hung open and Evo clipped him on the chin, snapping it shut. "Knock it off, little brother, you look like a tourist. These gentlemen even offered to return that sardine can to Milwaukee."

Alfredo jumped in front of Evo, the fur flaps on his wolf hat flopping about his ears. "Please, Mr. Evo, could we keep the car? We can pay for it!"

Evo looked at the brothers and Luis nodded furiously. "We would like not to be an inconvenience to you, and having our own transportation is a good start."

"I don't mind if no one else does." Mr. Polo Shirt nodded his head.

Evo thanked Polo Shirt who climbed into the mechanic's truck and the two drove away. Evo turned to the eager-faced Gallegos brothers. He handed them a credit card and said, "Gas only."

They shouted, "Yes," and hugged each other, bouncing up and down. Alfredo threw his arms around Evo, and the wolf's nose hit Evo in the chest. The impact knocked the hat off his head and it fell in the street, under a tire of Evo's new truck. They all stared at the wolf, which looked a little worse for wear. Tony bent to retrieve it.

Just then a little old lady on her way out of the store saw the wolf's head sticking out from under the tire and screamed. "You ran over that poor dog." She whacked Tony with her shopping bag. Tony stiffened then went down like a rock, landing with a splat on the sidewalk. The three pounds of wild birdseed the woman had in her bag had exploded on impact. Millet rained down on the small group like rice at a wedding.

The old woman left heel prints on Tony's back as she walked over his prone body. She grabbed the wolf hat, saying, "Oh, poor puppy."

When she saw what she held, she screamed and threw it on the sidewalk. "
Yuck
. That's no puppy. She looked over her shoulder at a bleeding Tony and bit a fingernail. "Uh, sorry. I thought you killed someone's pet."

Evo jumped to help Tony turn over. He knelt beside him as the little old lady tiptoed around Tony's inert form and patted him on the head. "Sorry, young man."

She laid the wolf hat on the sidewalk. Another little old lady in a red Crown Victoria careened around Evo's black truck, almost taking the bumper with it. People jumped out of the way as it bumped over the curb onto the sidewalk.

The car screeched to a halt and rocked wildly as she slammed it into park. The driver's door flew open, and a scrawny leg appeared in the opening.

The gathering crowd looked on while a blue-haired whirlwind carrying a pink purse the size of a small suitcase emblazoned with an enormous sequined parrot scrambled out of the huge car.

She trotted around the back of the car, elbows pumping furiously as her top speed reached about a half-mile per hour. She yelled at the top of her lungs, "Everyone back! I know CPR."

The lady with the birdseed tried to stop her by jumping in front of her. She grabbed at the pink purse "Mary, no! He's breathing. I hit him because I thought he killed a dog, Stop, Mary. S
top
!"

Mary didn't hear her (those who know her knew she was deaf as a doornail) and bowled over her friend and dragged her across the sidewalk. As she tugged, she opened her pink suitcase and rummaged inside for Lord only knew what. She headed to where Tony lie sprawled.

With her head in her purse and her legs pumping away, she never saw it coming when her feet tangled in the wolf hat her friend had dropped on the sidewalk. She tried to correct herself, but instead catapulted through the air, her purse emptying its contents in her wake.

Her head connected with Tony's chin just as he tried to sit up, and he flipped backward like he'd been hit with a baseball bat, his head making a sickening thud on the sidewalk. This time Tony didn't get up. Mary landed straddled across his chest, her purse dangling from the ball hitch on the truck.

She shook her head and her blue curls winked in the sunlight. "
Whew
. What a lucky break. She sat on Tony's chest and checked out his unconscious body. She rose and fell with the rhythm of Tony's breathing. "Just think, this boy would have been a goner without me. I saved his life. The crowd cheered and the little old lady fisted her hands over her head like the World's Extremely Light Weight Champion.

"
Whoop
. Her legs suddenly flew up in the air as Evo snatched her off Tony's inert form. She hung like a rag doll wearing cement blocks on her feet.

"Lady, he was almost a goner
because
of you! He set her on her feet.

She brushed off her sleeve and crossed her arms. "Well I never! What kind of ingrate are you?" She lifted her chin "
Humph
. Good thing I don't save lives for a living. I couldn't take the abuse."

Evo leaned over Tony, lifting his eyelids. "You're right, lady, if you did, the streets would be littered with dead bodies." He tapped Tony's cheek.

Mary sniffed and put her nose in the air. "Come, Joy,
some
people are just unappreciative of a Good Samaritan."