Totally Joe (12 page)

I had just finished putting all the stuff back in the box when my mom knocked on the door. She said she had one more present for me, but she didn't know how I would feel about opening it in front of everyone, so she wanted to give it to me now. I was freaking out a little, wondering what it could be. You're not going to believe it! She gave me the exact same book Aunt Pam had just given me—a book of short stories that all have gay characters in them! Mom and Aunt Pam laughed, and I said, “Does everybody in this family know everything about me before
I
do? First the earring, and now this!”

“You may as well get it over with, Joe,” Aunt Pam said.

So I got everyone to come into my room, and I took all the stuff out of the box Aunt Pam had given me, and I said, “Does this tell you anything about me?”

Jeff looked bored and said, “Can I go?” But my father grabbed him by the shoulder and made him stay.

“Why don't you tell us what it says about you?” Dad said.

Oh. My. God. I couldn't believe it was happening. I was going to say the words. Right out loud. To my mother and my father and my brother and my aunt (who already knew). I was going to say, “I'm gay.”

And I did.

Jeff said, “Okay, can I go now?”

Aunt Pam was right. EVERYBODY ALREADY KNEW!!!!!

Nobody said, “You're only twelve, how can you know you're gay?” Nobody said, “It's just a phase.” Nobody said, “You can't be gay (sniff, sniff)! Where did we go wrong (sob, sob)?” My mom and dad hugged me and told me they loved me and said they'd kind of figured out that's who I was and all they wanted was for me to be happy.

And that's when I started crying (sniff, sniff, sob, sob), because I wanted to tell them all about Colin and how
he
made me happy. But I couldn't tell them because it wouldn't have been fair to Colin, and besides, he wasn't making me happy anymore.

I guess maybe I was crying for another reason, too. Even though nobody was acting like it was a big deal, we all knew that it was. I'd said it. Out loud. “I'm gay.”

I took one of the pins Aunt Pam had given me and put it on my shirt. It said
CELEBRATE DIVERSITY
. Then I took it off, thinking I'd give it to Addie, because it's one she'd really like, and I put on another one. I like what it says best of all:
BEING WHO YOU ARE ISN'T A CHOICE
.

The next day, Skeezie and Addie and Bobby came over so we could all exchange gifts. I gave Addie the pin, which she loved, and told them all about what had happened. They all slapped me five and said I was awesome. Then Aunt Pam took us to the mall, which was a total zoo, since it was the day after Christmas and all, and Skeezie and I picked out our earrings.

When we got home, Aunt Pam sat us down in the kitchen, numbed our earlobes with ice cubes and—Oh. My. God.—stuck a needle through our ears! Ice or no ice, it hurt! But now I have this way cool yin/yang
earring on my left lobe. And Skeezie has a silver skull on his. (Are we predictable or what?) And we are now officially earring brothers.

I love Christmas, and this was almost the best Christmas of my life. The only thing that kept it from
being the best ever was the present under my bed, the one I'd bought for Colin before he broke up with me. I know it's stupid, but I'm keeping it there just in case we get back together. If birthday wishes can come true, maybe Christmas wishes can, too.

Hey, I'm a poet.

LIFE LESSON
: Being who you are isn't a choice.

IT'S FUNNY, BUT SINCE I CAME OUT TO MY FAMILY ON CHRISTMAS
, being called names doesn't bother me as much. Like, when I got back to school, practically the first thing I heard was Kevin H. (who else?) calling out, “Hey, faggot!” And all I thought was,
Yeah, that's me. So?

I didn't say it, but just thinking it made me feel better. It was like,
Okay, that's who I am. Who are
you
but somebody who calls people names?
Aunt Pam said that sometimes guys who call other guys “faggot” and other homophobic names are deep-down insecure about themselves. Like maybe
they're
gay and just can't deal with it.

Oh. My. God. Does this mean Kevin Hennessey might be
gay?

Anyway, it turned out Kevin wasn't even talking to me. He was calling out “faggot” to this new kid I'd never
seen before. I guess that's Kevin's way of saying welcome. The new kid is in our grade. In fact, he's in most of my classes, so I learned a few things about him by the end of the day.

1. His name is Zachary Nathaniel.

2. He wants to be called Zachary, not Zach. (Kevin's idea of being funny is to put his hand over his mouth and cough/say “faggory” for “Zachary”) (Will the hilarity never cease?)

3. He moved to Paintbrush Falls from New Jersey over Christmas. (I'll have to ask him if he knows my grandparents.) (They live in New Jersey.)

4. He's short and kind of muscle-y, which is because he was into gymnastics at his old school. He was not very happy to find out there's no gymnastics program here. Personally, I think he should be glad, because when he told one of our classes he was a gymnast, Kevin “whispered” to Jimmy, loud enough for everybody to hear: “Only faggots do gymnastics.” (Maybe Kevin
is
gay?)

5. He's smart. Every single time a teacher called on him, he knew the answer.

6. He isn't what you'd call seriously cute. However, he does get these way cool dimples when he smiles.

7. He has this tendency to say “Oh, my goodness.” (Why doesn't he just stick a target on his chest and hand Kevin a box of darts?)

8. He told Tonni DuPré he loved her hair. Twice.

9. He giggles.

10.
Maybe Zachary is gay?

Anyway, he seems really nice, and if Roger Elliott hadn't asked him to sit at his table at lunch the first day, I would have asked him to sit at ours, because to be honest, he seems to belong more at our table than Roger's. I'm guessing that Roger thinks Zachary is a jock or something. I'm also guessing that even with the gymnastics thing Zachary is so not a jock.

I know I'm supposed to be talking about names, but I just have to say one more thing about the first day back at school: Pretty much everybody (with the obvious exceptions) liked my earring. Even Colin. He came right over to my locker first thing and said, “I heard you got an earring. It looks great!”

I didn't ask him how he heard, but it made me feel good to know that he had. Like maybe he's got spies or
something. We told each other all about our vacations and Christmas and all (I kept wanting to let him know I had a present for him under my bed, but I didn't because I didn't want to see the look on his face telling me he
didn't
have a present under his bed for me), and then the bell rang and Jimmy Lemon walked by and said, “No kissing in the halls, girls,” and Colin turned bright red. That was the last time Colin and I talked for the rest of the day. But at least I found out he liked my earring.

Anyway, today (the fourth day back at school) we had the first meeting of the student council and the No-Name Party (that's Bobby, Addie, Skeezie, and me) to talk about creating a No-Name Day. We decided to have it during the first week of March, to give everybody lots of time to work on it.

It was very weird being at this meeting. We put our chairs in a circle, and Mr. Kiley and Ms. Wyman acted like we had come from all over the country or something for some big conference. We had to go around the room and say our names. Duh. As if we all didn't know each other already. I looked over at Colin right before I said my name. (Remember, he's on the student council.) He was half looking at me with that shy, secret smile on his face. And, I don't know why, but it kind of bugged me. I opened
my mouth to say my name, and what came out was, “JoDan Bunch.” Colin's smile went away so fast it practically snapped. It was like I'd said a dirty word.

After we introduced ourselves, we got talking about the kinds of names kids are called in school and what we can do to stop it. I was talking, too, but in my head I was thinking about how I'd called myself JoDan and how that had made Colin look all constipated. I thought about all the names I've called myself over the years—Scorpio and GoJo (don't ask) and J.D. and Jody (first grade and only for a day) and a whole bunch of others. I've always invented names for myself because, like I've said, I think “Joe Bunch” is seriously boring. (Although I started liking it after Colin told me he liked it.)

That's when I figured out why I'd called myself JoDan at the meeting. I wanted to get back at Colin, to show him that I wasn't going to call myself Joe just because he said I should. It was that dumb smile of his that made me do it. The way he smiled, it was like he wanted to tell me he still liked me but it was going to have to be our little secret. Well, you know what secrets can do to you—they're the worm that eats the rose.

By the end of the meeting, Addie was going on and on about all the plans for No-Name Day. I think there's going
to be a poster competition between classes or something like that, and maybe a student essay contest about the origins of different words that are used in name-calling. To tell you the truth, I wasn't paying careful attention. I was thinking about Colin and the way his face had changed. Like one minute he was secretly telling me he liked me, and the next minute he was all disapproving. I mean, who is he to tell me what my name should be?

After the meeting, he came over to me and said real soft so that only the two of us could hear, “I like your earring, Joe, and I like how you've toned down your act, but why did you have to say your name was JoDan? Why do you have to be so out there all the time? That's why people make fun of you.”

Well, thank you, Dr. Colin. Except I don't remember you having a talk show and me calling in and asking for advice.

Oh. My. God. And I always thought Colin was so nice. Not to mention that I
thought
he wanted to be like
me
.

Wrong and wrong.

What did he mean about toning down my act, anyway? What act? And since when did I tone it down? Colin may be cute, but he is way more Ralph Lauren than I ever realized. What can I tell you? An original like me cannot be seriously involved with a logo-clone.

Addie wanted to do some research on words at the library and since we were walking home together, I went with her. The truth is, I didn't feel like being alone, because all I could think about was Colin, and that just made me feel sad and angry and confused.

I started looking through this name book Addie had pulled off the shelf. I couldn't find JoDan, but I did find Joseph. It's from the Hebrew and it means “He shall add.” Which makes me think I should be good in math, which I am totally not. However, it
is
a cool name in some ways, mainly because of Joseph who ruled in Egypt and had that amazing Technicolor dreamcoat. (That is one wardrobe item I would
so
wear!) (Seriously) (I mean it.)

Anyway, Daniel (my middle name, remember?) is also from the Hebrew. I guess my grandma Lily (my mom's mom, who's half Jewish) must have had something to say about naming me! It means “God is my judge.”
Bo
-ring. (No offense to God or anything.) But then there's Daniel in the Bible, who was miraculously saved from the lions' den. Now, there's something I can relate to.

Paintbrush Falls Middle School. Lions' den. Oh, yeah.

Since I was into it, I looked up Kevin, which is Irish and means “handsome.” Riiiiiiight. Excuse me while I stick my finger down my throat.

Colin
should
mean “handsome” (or at least “cute”) (or
“hot”) (but maybe also “not as nice as everybody thinks he is”), but it's not clear what it means. The most I could figure out was that it's from the French and is a nickname for Nicholas, which makes no sense at all. The book also says it means “victory.”