Tour of Duty: Stories and Provocation (36 page)

Dear Tightwad:
Club him and take all of them. Stop your dawdling and woolgathering and load this sack of silverplate. Then take a turn on the port sail rope. There’s a crate of fine beeswax candles if we really need additional light.

Dear Crazy Einar:
My servants keep coming out of the kitchen and sassing me. It gets very embarrassing when the Jarl visits. What have I done wrong? —Flustered Lady.

Dear Flustered:
You made their chains too long.

Dear Crazy Einar:
Recently, my cousins and I went on our first strandhogg. Despite the gaiety of the event, I found I got little pleasure from burning and pillaging. The whole thing made me feel a bit remorseful for those we left stripped poor and homeless. What should I do? —Confused Young Norseman

Dear Freak of Nature:
I’d check your ancestry. Sounds like some of that civilization stuff. Did one of your forefathers travel to the Mediterranean? Take a local wife? That probably explains it. Either that, or you’re an adopted Dane. Don’t worry; with time, you’ll learn to appreciate the stark beauty of hovels lit by firelight and the whines of kicked dogs.

Dear Crazy Einar:
What colors have you found most frightening on Landsknechte? —H R Puffinslash

Dear Puffer:
Is there anything unfrightening about landsknecht? It’s not so much the colors as the slash and puff codpiece. Makes me want to reach for a warclub and langseax.

Dear Crazy Einar:
is it true that Vikings didn’t kiss to greet each other due to the velcro effect of their manly beards? —Goatee

Dear Fashionable:
No, that was because of their permanently stiff upper lips.

Dear Crazy Einar:
I engage in some unusual behavior and need your advice. Last night, I watched
The 13
^th
Warrior
and
The Vikings
from a chair surrounded by shields, while clutching my spear, with seax by my side, wearing leather and a spangenhelm. —Clinging

Dear Clinging:
I understand your background. Please go ahead and tell me about your unusual behavior.

Dear Crazy Einar:
What’s an appropriate ax for 12 year old girls?

—Hunting

Dear Hunting:
Depends on the size of the girls. Anything from a light hatchet to a small skeggox. However, I believe the risk of a pre-teen apocalypse is slim, and you will not be culturally popular in the event.

Crazy Einar will be happy to answer any questions on business, social etiquette, or whipping serfs into submission, provided such inquiries are in poor taste and addressed to this paper.

Crazy Einar is a eleventh century Viking (T)raider settled in northern Scotland, and those farmers were dead when he arrived. He deals in cutlery, armor, and garb, all acquired legally under his laws as overlord of Scotland and Vinland.

So You Are Going To Be Raided By ViKings

Welcome
to our introductory lesson on receiving Scandinavian visitors. If you live in the Mediterranean, coastal or riverine Europe, riverine central Asia, the British Isles, North Atlantic Isles, Greenland or North America, their world tour may be coming soon to a village near you! This free brochure will help you properly welcome these unexpected guests.

1. Have a smooth beach nearby. While the handlers are capable of landing on anything from finished timber docks to shattered cliff faces, a well-prepared beach will make their departure easier afterwards. If departure seems awkward, they may elect to stay over.

2. An ancient Scandinavian law states that anything not secured is theirs. To avoid disputes over this precept, the following simple suggestions may help:

Secure the following: Unattached women, attached women, prospective widows, gold, silver, gems, furs, spices, food, dogs, sheep, cattle, beer, mead, wine, ale, food and books.

3. Provide PLENTY of refreshments. Beer, wine, mead, ale, sweetmeats, meat, vegetables, salt, bread, and fish will all be graciously accepted. Bring all you have and lay in extra. Then stock more.

4. Entertainment is good. Bored Vikings feel obligated to provide entertainment to you, the host. Dancers, minstrels, jesters and others are a good start. Comely wenches are better. So are sporting games with swords and shields. Any martial competition will be enthusiastically joined, but be warned! They excel at these events, and the lack of referees in the traditional rules can be confusing.

5. You may be unsure of etiquette regarding the above. Relax! Vikings are informal folk, and will gladly take any of the above at any hour of the day or night. They LOVE being surprised, and will cheer loudly. They may light spontaneous fires for ambiance.

6. Rumors to the contrary, Vikings do NOT put heads on pikes. The Vikings are civilized folk. As such, all heads are put on forks.

7. Have lots of firewood and other fuel handy. Vikings are used to cold weather. Remember that these are the people who regard the Orkneys as a summer resort...so plan accordingly. Pitch-soaked reeds and thatch are greeted with hearty approval.

8. The high point of their visit will be firelight rituals, where they may decide to adopt offspring, spouses, or livestock. You may be filled with trepidation at this idea. Relax! Despite rumors, Vikings are far more civilized than many allegedly superior cultures. They bathe regularly, take sauna, travel extensively, enjoy a high level of literacy, and pride themselves on gathering the finer things in life. Your social status may climb immensely with marital ties to them. And you’ll be far safer, one way or another.

9. It is confusing to many cultures, but Vikings place women in charge of steads and villages. The extensive business travel the men engage in makes their regular presence impossible. If a woman gives you an instruction in camp, it would be in your best interests to do as she says. Trust us.

10. Once they have enjoyed your hospitality, they may elect to make your village a regular stopping point. This is a high honor, and may require you to borrow or acquire additional supplies from nearby villages. You may wish to suggest these other venues to your new friends.

One year I organized a small get-together, and did a round of promotion.

Tell us about the Viking Raiding Party
™.

The Viking Raiding Party ™ is a party to celebrate our Norse heritage and to correct many of the wrong impressions about Vikings. Many people hear “Viking” and think “Murdering maurauder.” But there was a lighter side to Norse culture that also enjoyed looting, pillaging, and arson.

What are the requirements to participate in the “Viking Raiding Party”?

To participate, one must be of the proper ethnic background, or able to fake it. “Proper ethnic background” means of Norse extraction, which includes Scandinavian, Russian, Germanic, Baltic, Dutch, English, Irish, Scottish, French, North African, Turkish, Central Asian or East Indian. To fake it one must A) be blonde, or B) be a man with a beard, or C) wear trews and tunic or D) know at least three words of Old Norse, or E) know someone who does. So you can see it’s very exclusive.

Seriously, though, what are you going to do?

We’re going to start in the merchant area, swarm down into the bog, and graciously relieve camps of all the things they’d really rather not take home, like bhooze, bheer, food and other comestibles, and the occasional unattached wench or rogue. At least two camps have said we can storm their gates.

And what will you do if the gates won’t yield?

I’ve got a lawyer and a two-year-old. The gates will yield.

So what should people bring?

Wagons and flagons, good spirits of both kinds, loud singing voices and sturdy walking shoes. But no attitudes. This is fun, not real pillage. Flaming brands and prybars won’t be needed. And if you’d like your gates to be stormed, let me know and we’ll arrange a special trip. The raid will leave from our camp tonight at exactly 10ish.