Tour of Duty: Stories and Provocation (35 page)

Crazy Einar

The Society for Creative Anachronism (SCA) is a very loose reenactment group, whose members vary from strictly researched to farflung fantasy. I ride a line between, doing a lot of research, and trying to bend it enough to be believable, but within my own interpretation.

To that end, my persona is Crazy Einar (technically Einar the Mad), who is free with the wit, the sword and the flaming brand. I write articles for the various publications at the larger get togethers (usually for the annual Pennsic War), and try to have fun with it.

Here’s my advice column.

Dear Crazy Einar:
My son just turned 14. He refuses to grow his hair to a decent length, uses something called a fork to eat, sips wine from a goblet instead of guzzling from a horn, and dresses like that minstrel Marilyn Olaf. How do I keep him in line? —Harried Mother

Dear Mother:
Five words: Anchor chain, bullwhip and wet kitchen towel. After you have his attention, a few loving cuffs and boxes about the ears daily from your sturdy peasant hands should be sufficient to steer him back to a life of brigandry.

Dear Rampaging Pirate:
I understand you are involved with battered children. I’m happy to see there is hope even for brutal, marauding, heathen scum like you. —Your Local Monk

Dear Do-gooder:
Dip ’em in egg, roll ’em in flour with a little pepper, and deep fry for three minutes a pound. I like children, yes I do. Battered and fried or boiled in a stew.

Dear Crazy Einar:
I just met this wonderful traveling barbarian businessman (he’s in sacking and looting, like you!) Can you recommend a gift that tells him I’m interested, but in a subtle way?

—Happy Lil Peasant

Dear Wench:
A gift should be personal, useful, and something the recipient wouldn’t get themselves. How about underwear?

Dear Crazy Einar:
You heathen scum! Haven’t you heard of the Code of Chivalry? —Appalled Knight.

Dear Silly English Pig-Dog:
of course
I’ve heard of it. I think chivalry is a wonderful invention. I especially like that part about not harming women. It makes raids so much safer when I strap a few to my horse. Not an arrow comes close.

Dear Crazy Einar:
What do you think of Atilla the Hun?

—Admirer and Aspiring Barbarian

Dear Suckup:
That
bleeding heart liberal wuss? Please. Just look through history for an example of where he’s heading. Genghis Khan. First he got soft, then he was history.

Dear Crazy Einar:
I understand you once conducted a poll of politicians. Can you tell me about your results?

—Student of Statistics

Dear Over-educated, Decadent Fop:
Dunno about
polling
politicians, but I have
poled
a few. They usually wiggle and weep as they slide down the spear haft, with the occasional scream to add piquancy to the crackling sounds of the campfire.

Dear Crazy Einar:
Why do Vikings sack villages? —Wants to Know

Dear Now Knows:
Because it’s easier than bottling them.

Dear Crazy Einar:
Which is better, a galley or a knorr?

—Business Investor.

Dear Investor:
A galley. It burns longer.

Dear Crazy Einar:
A merchant offers to sell me pitched torches which burn for 20 minutes each and weigh 8 ounces apiece, and oiled reeds which burn for 10 minutes apiece and weigh 3 ounces, with the torches costing 1/4 pfennig each and the reeds being a dozen for a pfennig, what should I do? —Ship’s Purser