Tour of Duty: Stories and Provocation (39 page)

“While traveling around Switzerland on Sundays, everywhere one hears gunfire, but a peaceful gunfire: this is the Swiss practicing their favorite sport, their national sport. They are doing their obligatory shooting, or practicing for the regional, Cantonal or federal shooting festivals, as their ancestors did it with the musket, the arquebus or the crossbow. Everywhere, one meets urbanites and country people, rifle to the shoulder, causing foreigners to exclaim: ‘You are having a revolution!”
—General Henri Guisan

Switzerland has not been invaded in a long time, because every man and a lot of the women are issued guns which they keep at home. Imagine a government that not only allows but
insists
its citizens keep military grade weapons. That’s points right there. Even more, they hold quarterly Schützenfests, at which shooting, carousing and drinking are expected. And it’s entirely possible you will have your ass handed to you by a thirteen year old girl shooting an StG90 assault rifle that she carried to the range from school, slung across her back while pedaling her bicycle. Swiss GIRLS are better men than most allegedly-male American liberals.

There is a story, possibly apocryphal but awesome nonetheless, that a ranking German (perhaps the Kaiser) was visiting and watching the Swiss military on their summer maneuvers. He asked the Swiss commander, “How big a force do you command?”

The Swiss general confidently replied, “I can mobilize one million men in twenty-four hours.”

The German asked, “What would happen if I marched five million men in here tomorrow?”

The Swiss replied, “Each of my men will fire five shots and go home.”

Note that Switzerland was not invaded during either World War, and still used an updated version of the same bolt action rifle from 1889 to 1959, and kept it in reserve service until 1980.

The Swiss K31 carbine is . . . well, the Swiss Watch of rifles. It is precise, sturdy, accurate, powerful and unusual in having a straight pull bolt action. It might as well be semi-auto, if a gas tube had just been added. But the Swiss are traditionalists and not afraid of it.

The K31 packs a kick. It fires a 7.5 mm Swiss round that is expensive, because it only comes from Switzerland and it’s only available in match grade. There is no non-match grade Swiss Ammo. Swiss soldiers don’t miss. This is why they’ve never had to demonstrate the fact. Invaders fear a mountain range full of snipers.

The K31 is available surplus for $275 or so in 2011, in conditions varying from “Arsenal new” to “Beaver chewed.” The beaver chewed version is because the Swiss, when performing their summer drills, tend to use the rifle butts to pound TENT STAKES when they run short of mallets. It is an ugly but durable weapon, from a nation that respects the warrior spirit. As a bonus, when buying one surplus, one may find a card under the buttplate identifying the gentleman who was issued it. This is an awesome historical detail: a warrior’s weapon with the warrior’s mark on it. Some people have even managed to contact the soldier or his family from this information.

6: AK47

Another communist piece of trash, and I say that with the greatest respect. The Automat Kalashnikov in 7.62X39mm is simple enough for a third world peasant. It’s quite robust. It is muzzle heavy and thus shoots well in full auto, though it is unlikely you can own a full auto one legally. Still, in semi, the weight helps a bit with rapid fire. The AK can be called anything except pretty and accurate, and it lacks a bolt stop to hold the action open when empty. On the other hand, you can bury it in the mud for a week and it will likely still fire after you urinate in it to sluice the mud out. You can also elect to get a variation of the newer AK74 and AK100, in 5.45X 39mm. Also look at Valmet, Finland, who makes AKs with their own name. These
are
accurate, but pricey.

The AK is one of the two most popular and common military rifles in the world today. It is a must for a warrior’s armory.

5: Smith & Wesson Model 29

The .44 Magnum, as carried by Dirty Harry, is the quintessential man’s gun. Harry took no crap from anyone. Any cop who clutches a thug in the elevator in front of his attorney and the prosecutor, compares him to dogshit and implies impending death is doing Odin’s work.

Did you know that in
The Eiger Sanction
Clint decided the stunts were too dangerous for him to ask anyone to do them for him, so he learned mountain climbing and was the last climber up the Totem Pole in Monument Valley, before climbing the Eiger? That scene with the 1000 foot drop below and he has to cut his rope? Yup. Clint did that stunt. He writes his own music (he’s an accomplished jazz pianist), performs it and directs most of his movies. He ran for mayor of Carmel, then left after one term. A modest, competent man and a role model for all. He should play heavy metal to be perfect, but he was also born in 1930 (meaning he was 43 when he climbed that mountain), so we can excuse the jazz bit. At least it’s not rap, country or disco.

Even without that manly vote, the Model 29 was designer Elmer Keith’s triumph: A hand cannon that packs as much wallop as many mid-range rifles. It can be used to hunt fairly large game, and it will put a thug down with extreme pain. Mercifully, the pain will fade concurrently with blood loss from the gaping hole it leaves.

It’s a comfortable revolver, and if .44 Magnum is too much, you can load it with .44 Special instead. It is stronger than it needs to be, quite accurate, and instantly recognizable. Carrying it in a well-made leather holster says that you are, in fact, a man and you take no crap.

4: AR15

Lots of people will dispute my choice of this rifle. Those people are whiners and pussies. Let’s look at the facts: The Air Police grabbed it under direction from General Curtis leMay. Upon seeing it in Vietnam, the Green Berets, SEALs, and SAS jumped on it, to be followed by the Singaporean Special Forces and the Israelis. It soon became standard. Certainly, there were problems early on, in part because the limpwristed twits in Army Logistics made changes to the weapon and ammo without consulting with the designer, Eugene Stoner. The USMC (the manliest men of the manliest military on the planet, and true Vikings—shipboard warriors who strike fear into their enemies just by existing) were called in to remedy some of those flaws with the M16A2. Some milspec guns have reached almost 30,000 rounds without maintenance.

It works well in the desert, as long as it’s run dry (to blow sand out) or well-lubed (to sluice the sand out). Choose your method, and don’t pussyfoot around. All myths aside, the 5.56 mm round has killed a LOT of Asian losers who thought they could screw with Americans and come out ahead. If anyone doubts it, I have a standing offer to meet them at 500 yards and we’ll swap fire. I get to shoot first. At 500 yards, a 5.56mm still packs more energy than a .45 ACP does at the muzzle. That’s plenty of power. And it’s not a sniper rifle. You should not be engaging at that range with an assault rifle. It’s made to be light, deadly and face-to-face. It’s the modern equivalent of the Viking’s bow and broadsword.

What can you do with this rifle? What
can’t
you do with it? It can be converted to .22, 6mm, 6.8mm, .300 Fireball, 9mm, .50 Beowulf. All you have to do is press two pins and swap upper receivers. You can have anything from a 6” pistol to a 24” match rifle in a matter of minutes. It can be equipped with scopes, sights, lights, lasers, grips, slings, counterweights, pouches, compartments, underslung launchers and shotguns, bayonets and probably a kitchen sink. The USMC is impressed enough to have designed an M16A4 and plans to carry it for some time. At fifty-one years as of 2013, it holds the record for rifle service life in the U.S. military, was and still is the rifle of choice of several elite units. Third world peasants carry AK47s. Elite experts carry AR15s. It does require occasional maintenance and you must read the manual. Real men
do
read manuals, regarding instruments of death.

AR15s start at $550 and go up. Generally, the manlier, the more expensive, but over $2000 indicates you are just showing off.

3: Remington 870

Geek with a .45 says, “The pump action shotgun is sort of a Swiss Army gun.” He’s correct. You can hunt birds, squirrels, deer, criminals or terrorists.

The Remington 870 has been around for decades. It is easy to maintain, easy to find parts for, almost flawlessly reliable, can be outfitted with a broad variety of accessories that enhance its inherent and undisguisable lethality. I recommend a twenty inch barrel with an extended seven-round magazine, plus one in the chamber, alternating buckshot and slugs. Or you can go with all buckshot. This affords the opportunity to fire eight-rounds with nine pellets each of 000 buck, measuring approximately 9mm, in about two and a half seconds with practice. That’s twice the output of an Uzi with better hit probability and more power. In other words, as guns go, it is very well hung.

For hunting, I’d recommend a twenty-four inch barrel with changeable choke tubes. You can get longer, but don’t really need it.

The only real disadvantage to a shotgun is range. One hundred yards is about the limit, and less with shot. This is offset by the advantages of a reassuring “ka
clack
” as you cycle it (Reassuring to you. Gut wrenching to your target), massive firepower that can leave a man standing dead, looking down at a hole in his torso big enough to toss a dog through, versatility of ammo, simplicity and low cost. You can often get one police surplus for under $150, used, and new for under $300.

Every house needs at least one pistol, rifle and shotgun.
This
is the shotgun if you can afford it. By all means buy a more modern Benelli as well, but the 870 is still the American standard. When the revolting scum start rioting like chimps and burning cars in the streets of America, it will quickly come to a stop because of Viking-sired rednecks with Remington 870 pump action shotguns.

2: Colt Model 1911A1 .45 ACP