Toys and Baby Wishes (21 page)

She wrapped her arms around herself, as if trying to ward
off a chill.  "And what about Dani?  What if she trusts him and he doesn't
deserve her trust?"

Josh's eyes caught hers and held.  "Lexa, she has to
make this decision.  You can't make it for her."

"This is my life they're tampering with too...our
life."  She rubbed up and down her arms.  "What they do affects us. 
I want this baby."

He said very quietly, "Lexa, it's Dani's baby."

Her hands dropped to her sides, and as if she couldn't face
the truth in his eyes, she paced across the room to the window and looked out. 
More to herself than to him, she murmured, "But she said she didn't want
to keep it.  She said she couldn't."

"Now she can."

Lexa wheeled around to face him.  "How can you take
this so calmly?  You don't understand what this means...I can't..."

"Can't what, Lexa?"

She couldn't hold back a sob.  "I can't have children."

"I know.  I overheard you when you were talking to
Dani."

"You knew?  And you didn't tell me you knew?  I've been
worrying and worrying--"

"You could have confided in me a long time ago."

"I was afraid.  I was afraid you'd walk out like
Richard did.  He didn't want me after I told him."

"Lexa, I'm not Richard.  We can adopt.  Don't you see
that Dani's decision to keep her baby could be the best decision for all of
us.  If she'd made this choice after the baby was born, you'd only have more
heartache."

"More heartache?  How can you be so detached?  Don't
you understand how I'm feeling?"  Her eyes became dark pools of sorrow. 
"This is my one chance to have a child, maybe my only chance.  Adoptions
can take years if they approve me.  And couples come first."

"We'll be a couple.  Won't we?"

Suddenly Lexa wasn't sure of anything.  Her world was
spinning, and the plans she'd been dreaming about suddenly had changed.  Josh
loved children.  How could they have a life without them?  She answered his
question with a halting, "I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?"  He took a step
toward her.  "You said yes to me tonight if you'd forgotten."

Her gaze didn't waver from his.  "Believe me, I haven't
forgotten.  But now I'm not so sure.  Did you want this baby?  Could you have
accepted it as your own?"

He raked his hand through his hair.  "If Dani had been
sure, if you had adopted her baby, yes, I could have accepted him or her as my
own.  I love kids."

"So what happens now, Josh?  You love children.  I might
not be able to have children."  She rubbed her hands together anxiously,
remembering how Richard had reacted, how he had walked away.  "Doesn't
that affect how you feel about me?  About us?"

Josh slashed his hand through the air.  "For God's
sake, Lexa.  I love you.  We have each other."

Tears rose in her throat and her heart pounded vehemently. 
"How long will that be enough?  Won't you resent me?  Won't you hurt every
time you see a couple with a child?  How can your love last through that?"

He made a move toward her but she put up her hands to ward
him off.  Standing still, he stuffed his hands in his pockets.  "It can,
but only if you trust me.  If you're questioning, you're not trusting.  I know
you're upset.  I know you wanted this baby.  But there are other alternatives
you haven't considered.  Have you been to a specialist?  In the last few years
reproductive techniques have advanced in leaps and bounds.  Why have you tied
up all your hopes in Dani's baby?  Maybe you should ask yourself why you haven't
looked into other options."

"I don't understand what you're getting at."

Taking his hands out of his pockets, he sat down on the arm
of the sofa.  "Maybe you're upset about more than losing this child."

She was too agitated to sit or to see Josh's reasoning. 
"You're not making sense."

"I am."  He rested his hands on his knees, as if
his calm could somehow calm her.  "You saw adopting Dani's child as
another way to take care of her...to protect her."

Her breath whooshed out of her lungs as if he had punched
her in the stomach.  "I wanted this baby!"

"For the right reasons or the wrong reasons?  You can't
take responsibility for Dani forever.  You don't have to continually take care
of her for her to love you.  Lexa, can't you realize you don't have to keep
doing things or taking care of people to be loved?"

"I do what I do because something inside me makes me
care what happens to other people.  I thought you finally understood that.  Now
I don't know if you understand me at all!  And if you don't understand me, we
shouldn't be considering marriage."

He stood up stiffly.  "You don't mean that."

"Yes, I do.  We both need time to think, to be sure we
have a future together."

"Lexa, we don't need time.  We need to talk this
out."

"I can't, Josh.  Not now.  I have to go to Dani and
find out if she's sure about this.  I have to find out what she wants."

"What about what I want, Lexa?  What about our future? 
Aren't we as important?  More important?  Because if we aren't, we have nothing
to build on."

A tear rolled down her cheek followed by another. 
"Josh, I feel as if I'm being pulled ten different ways and I have to sort
it out.  But I can't do that until I talk to Dani and Rob.  They're at my dad's
and that's where I'm going."

He looked at her as if she was out of her mind. 
"You're not serious about going tonight."

She lifted her coat from the sofa and put it on.  "Yes,
I am.  As soon as I get packed."

His question was clipped.  "When will you be
back?"

She turned away and picked up her purse.  "I don't
know."

"Lexa, I can't come with you tonight.  This close to
Christmas I'd have to make some arrangements...at least give it a day or
so."

"I'm not asking you to leave, but I am asking you to
understand.  I have to go to Dani.  Tonight.  Please, Josh, try to see--"

He cut in harshly.  "Go if you have to."

"Josh..."  He made no move toward her and she
couldn't move toward him.  She walked to the door and put her hand on the
doorknob.  He said nothing.  She opened the door and walked out into the cold
winter night.

***

It was three in the morning when Lexa arrived at her
father's.  He was sitting in the living room, staring into the fire when Lexa
let herself in.  She left her suitcase and coat in the foyer and went to sit
beside him on the sofa.  Donald Kittredge took one look at his daughter and
opened his arms.  Lexa had had time to think and time to feel and there was no
way she could stop the tears.

"Honey, for your sake, I wish this hadn't
happened."

Lexa swallowed a sob and raised her head.  "Dad, isn't
there anything I can do, anything I can say to convince her?"

"This is between you and Dani.  All I can say is don't
let it destroy your relationship with her.  I talked to her and Rob and they
didn't come to this decision lightly or on a whim.  I saw a strength in Dani
tonight that has never been there before."

"Dad, I wanted this baby so much."

"I know you did.  This seemed like the perfect solution
to you, but it was too perfect.  I know I wasn't around much, but I saw what
often happened between you and Dani.  Dani got into jams; you got her out of
them.  I'm not saying that was wrong, but maybe it kept her from growing up. 
You were always there to make everything right.  This time there's a
difference.  What's right for you might not be right for her."

"Do you think I pushed her into this?"

Her father was frank.  "No.  I think she was confused
and you handed her a solution.  But it wasn't the right solution."

"I might never have a baby."  Her eyes were
desolate.  "I might never have a child to raise."

"Maybe not a baby, Lexa.  But I know you.  I know there
are children out there that no one wants.  There are older children who are
hard to place.  Have you considered what you could give to one of them?"

Her father had given her something to think about.  She leaned
back against the sofa, letting her head lay heavily against the cushion. 
"I could offer a lot.  So could Josh."

"It would also give you and Josh more time to be alone
together before that happens."  Donald seemed to sense Lexa was worried
about something else.  "What's wrong?"

She sat up.  "I was at Josh's when Dani called."

"And?" he prodded.

"I was shocked, numb, upset.  I...I came here instead
of staying with him.  He thinks I don't trust him.  He might never forgive me
for walking out."

"Never's a long time."

"This was serious, Dad.  Earlier tonight he asked me to
marry him.  Then when Dani called, I told him we might never have any
children."

"Just tonight?"

"Yes.  But he already knew because he overheard me
talking to Dani when we were here."  She suddenly realized something
tremendously important.  "He asked me to marry him and he already
knew."

Donald patted Lexa's leg.  "That should tell you how
much he loves you."

"He did love me.  I don't know if he still does."

"Trust him, honey.  Trust in his love."

Donald Kittredge's words kept ringing in Lexa's ears as she
slept for a few hours, wakened and dressed.  The more she thought about
yesterday's events, she realized she was more concerned about her relationship
with Josh than about losing the child.  It perplexed her until she understood
that Josh's love was the most important thing in her life.  It mattered more
than anything else.  The thought of losing that love scared her to death.  She
picked up the phone to call him, but put it back down.  What she had to say,
she had to say in person. 

When Lexa entered the kitchen, Dani was eating a breakfast
of toast and tea.  Dani glanced at her sister nervously.  "Lexa, I know
how much this has probably hurt you and upset your plans.  But I had to make this
decision.  I don't want to lose you, but I have to keep this baby."

Lexa poured herself a cup of coffee and carried it to the
bar.  "It's always been you and me against everyone else.  We had each
other and we didn't let anybody else in.  Maybe it wasn't good for you.  Maybe
it wasn't good for me."

"You're sorry we're close?" Dani asked, her eyes
filling with tears.

Lexa climbed on a stool next to her sister.  "No, I'm
not sorry about that.  But maybe you depended on me too much and I got used to
it.  Maybe I crowded you."

"You didn't crowd me."

"No?"

Dani fingered the handle of her butter knife.  "No.  I
let you take care of me, do things for me, because it was the easy thing to
do.  I let you solve my problems so I didn't have to.  I knew what I was doing,
Lexa, even if you didn't."

"We were using each other."

"How did you use me?" Dani asked, turning on the
stool to face Lexa.

"Fixing things for you made me feel good, made me feel
important."  Because of Josh, Lexa had examined her life and her relationship
with Dani and gained self-knowledge.  "It would have been harder for me to
stand back and let you make mistakes.  So I took the easy road too.  That
wasn't good for you or me."

"Lexa, I don't feel this baby's a mistake any more. 
Maybe I never did.  I think I wanted to get pregnant to force Rob to make a
commitment.  When it didn't work, I got scared and didn't know what to
do."

Lexa turned her mug in a circle.  "So I came to your
rescue.  Again."

"Yes.  But this time when you did, something wasn't right. 
It was like I couldn't let go of it...like...this time I didn't like the way
you solved it.  Do you know what I mean?"

"I think so.  Your heart was telling you one thing
while I was telling you another."

"That's it.  Because even if Rob hadn't changed his
mind, I couldn't have given up the baby.  When I fell and I thought I might
lose it...  After that, well, I didn't know how to tell you.  And then when Rob
came knocking on my door one night, it was like a dream come true."

"This is reality, Dani."

"I know that.  Believe me, I know we both have some
growing up to do."  Dani's face became animated and flushed.  "But we
want it to work.  Rob said the thought of living without me, knowing his baby
was out there somewhere...  He really loves me, Lexa.  I know he does.  And he
loves our child too.  I didn't want to do this to you, but it's my whole life
that mattered, your whole life."

Lifting her mug to her lips, Lexa took a small sip.  "I
was furious with you last night.  I was sure that I could change your mind. 
But after Josh said his piece and I thought about everything, I changed my
mind.  Your decision still hurts.  I wanted this baby badly because it might be
my only chance.  But this is the one time in your life you should stand on your
own two feet and tell me to butt out."  Lexa set down her mug and her eyes
grew shiny.  "I've always loved you, Dani, but now I respect you for doing
what your heart knows is right."

This time Dani reached out and took Lexa's hand.  "I
love you, Sis."

Lexa realized they were treating each other as equals for
the first time.  From now on, they would not only be sisters, but friends.

CHAPTER TWELVE

On the afternoon of December twenty-fourth, snow flurries
spilled from the early afternoon sky.  Lexa had driven back to Chambersburg, exceeding all speed limits.  But Josh wasn't at the store.  He was at a
business meeting.  And suddenly she was nervous.  Maybe she needed to do more
than turn up on his doorstep.

Lifting the heavy brass knocker on the solid wood door of Friendship
House, Lexa hoped Clare was home.  For someone who never sought out advice,
Lexa was learning how.  Her father had given her important insights.  Now she
needed Clare's opinion.  After a few moments, the door opened and Clare
exclaimed, "You're back!"