Troublemakers (29 page)

   
“My death is about to become a reality,” the Arab bellowed, tearing at the strands of white hair showing under the fez. “Rob me, go ahead, rob me; drink my life’s blood! Ten! A twenty dollar loss I’ll take.”

   
“Okay, okay.” Danny turned around and produced his wallet. He pulled out one of the three ten dollar bills still inside and, turning to Connie, said, “You sure you want this ugly, dirty piece of crap?” She nodded, and he held the bill naked in the vicinity of the little merchant. For the first time Danny realized Mukhar was wearing pointed slippers that curled up; there was hair growing from his ears.

   
“Ten bucks.”

   
The little man moved with the agility of a ferret, and whisked the tenner from Danny’s outstretched hand before he could draw it back. “Sold!” Mukhar chuckled.

   
He spun around once, and when he faced them again, the ten dollars was out of sight.” And a steal, though Allah be the wiser; a hot deal, a veritable steal, blessed sir!”

   
Danny abruptly realized he had been taken. The lamp had probably been picked up in a junkyard and was worthless. He started to ask if it was a genuine antique, but the piles of junk had begun to waver and shimmer and coruscate with light. “Hey!” Danny said, alarmed. “What’s this now?”

   
The little man’s wrinkled face drew up in panic. “Out! Get out, quick! The time-frame is sucking back together! Out! Get out now if you don’t want to roam the eternities with me and this shop... and I can’t afford any help! Out!”

   
He shoved them forward, and Connie slipped and fell, flailing into a pile of glassware. None of it broke. Her hand went out to protect herself and went right through the glass. Danny dragged her to her feet, panic sweeping over him... as the shop continued to waver and grow more indistinct around them.

   
“Out! Out! Out!” Mukhar kept yelling.

   
Then they were at the door, and he was kicking them-literally planting his curl-slippered foot in Danny’s backside and shoving-from the store. They landed in a heap on the sidewalk. The lamp bounced from Connie’s hand and went into the gutter with a clang. The little man stood there grinning in the doorway, and as the shop faded and disappeared, they heard him mumble happily, “A clear nine-seventy-five profit. What a lemon! You got an Edsel, kid, a real lame piece of goods. But I gotta give it to you; the syphilitic camel bit was inspired.”

   
Then the shop was gone, and they got to their feet in front of an empty, weed-overgrown lot.

   
A lame piece of goods?

   
“Are you asleep?”

   
“Yes.”

   
“How come you’re answering me?”

   
“I was raised polite.”

   
“Danny, talk to me... come on!”

   
“The answer is no. I’m not going to talk about it. ”

   
“We have to!”

   
“Not only don’t we
have
to, I don’t
want
to, ain’t
going
to, and shut up so I can go to sleep.”

   
“We’ve been lying here almost an hour. Neither one of us can sleep. We
have
to discuss it, Danny.”

   
The light went on over his side of the bed. The single pool of illumination spread from the hand-me-down daybed they had gotten from Danny’ s brother in New Jersey, faintly limning the few packing crates full of dishes and linens, the three Cuisinarts they’d gotten as wedding gifts, the straight-back chairs from Connie’s Aunt Medora, the entire bare and depressing reality of their first home together.

   
It would be better when the furniture they’d bought today was delivered. Later, it would be better. Now, it was the sort of urban landscape that drove divorcees and aging bachelors to jump down the airshaft at Christmastime.

   
“I’m going to talk about it, Squires.”

   
“So talk. I have my thumbs in my ears. ”

   
“I think we should rub it.”

   
“I can’t hear you. It never happened. I deny the evidence of my senses. It never happened. I have these thumbs in my ears so I cannot hear a syllable of this craziness.”

   
“For god’s sake, Squires, I was
there
with you today. I saw it happen, the same as you. I saw that weird little old man and I saw his funky shop come and go like a big burp. Now, neither of us can deny it!”

   
“If I could hear you, I’d agree; and then I’d deny the evidence of my senses and tell you...” He took his thumbs from his ears, looking distressed. “... tell you with all my heart that I love you, that I have loved you since the moment I Saw you in the typing pool at Upjohn, that if I live to be a hundred thousand years old I’ll never love anyone or any thing as much as I love you this very moment; and then I would tell you to fuck off and forget it, and let me go to sleep so that tomorrow I can con myself into believing it never happened the way I know it happened.

   
“Okay?”

   
She threw back the covers and got out of bed. She was naked. They had not been married that long.

   
“Where are you going?”

   
“You know where I’m going.”

   
He sat up in the daybed. His voice had no lightness in it. “Connie!”

   
She stopped and stared at him, there in the light.

   
He spoke softly. “Don’t. I’m scared. Please don’t.”

   
She said nothing. She looked at him for a time. Then, naked, she sat down cross-legged on the floor at the foot of the daybed. She looked around at what little they had, and she answered him gently. “I have to, Danny. I just have to... if there’s a chance; I have to.”

   
They sat that way, reaching across the abyss with silent imperatives, until-finally-Danny nodded, exhaled heavily, and got out of the daybed. He walked to one of the cartons, pulled out a dustrag, shook it clean over the box, and handed it to her. He walked over to the window ledge where the tarnished and rusted oil lamp sat, and he brought it to her.

   
“Shine the damned thing, Squires. Who knows, maybe we actually got ourselves a 24 carat genie. Shine on, oh mistress of my Mesopotamian mansion.”

   
She held the lamp in one hand, the rag in the other. For a few minutes she did not bring them together. “I’m scared, too,” she said, held her breath, and briskly rubbed the belly of the lamp.

   
Under her flying fingers the rust and tarnish began to come away in spots, “We’ll need brass polish to do this right,” she said; but suddenly the ruin covering the lamp melted away, and she was rubbing the bright skin of the lamp itself.

   
“Oh, Danny, look how nice it is, underneath all the crud!” And at that precise instant the lamp jumped from her hand, emitted a sharp, gray puff of smoke, and a monstrous voice bellowed out in the apartment:

   
AH-HA! It screamed, louder than a subway train. AH-HA!

   
FREE AT LAST! FREE-AS FREE AS
I’LL
EVER BE-AFTER TEN THOUSAND YEARS! FREE TO SPEAK AND ACT, MY WILL TO BE KNOWN!

   
Danny went over backward. The sound was as mind-throttling as being at ground zero. The window glass blew out. Every light bulb in the apartment shattered. From the carton containing their meager chinaware came the distinct sound of hailstones as every plate and cup dissolved into shards. Dogs and cats blocks away began to howl. Connie screamed-though it could not be heard over the foghorn thunder of the voice-and was knocked head over ankles into a corner, still clutching the dustrag. Plaster showered down on the little apartment. The window shades rolled up.

   
Danny recovered first. He crawled over a chair and stared at the lamp with horror. Connie sat up in the corner, face white, eyes huge, hands over her ears. Danny stood up and looked down at the seemingly innocuous lamp.

   
“Knock off that noise! You want to lose us the lease?”

   
CERTAINLY, OFFSPRING OF A WORM!

   
“I said: stop that goddam bellowing!”

   
THIS WHISPER? THIS IS AS NAUGHT TO THE HURRICANE I SHALL LOOSE, SPAWN OF PARAMECIUM!

   
“That’s it,” Danny yelled. “I’m not getting kicked out of the only apartment in the city of New York I can afford just because of some loudmouthed genie in a jug...”

   
He stopped. He looked at Connie. Connie looked back at him.

   
“Oh, my god,” she said.

   
“It’s real,” he said.

   
They got to their knees and crawled over. The lamp lay on its side on the floor at the foot of the daybed.

   
“Are you really in there?” Connie asked.

   
WHERE ELSE WOULD I BE, SLUT!

   
“Hey, you can’t talk to my wife that way-”

   
Connie shushed him. “If he’s a genie, he can talk any way he likes. Sticks and stones; namecalling is better than poverty.”

   
“Yeah? Well,
nobody
talks to my-”

   
“Put a lid on it, Squires. I can take care of myself. If what’s in this lamp is even half the size of the genie in that movie you took me to the Thalia to see...”

   
“The Thief of Bagdad..
. 1939 version... but Rex Ingram was just an actor, they only made him
look
big.”

   
“Even so. As big as he was, if this genie is only
half
that big, playing macho overprotective chauvinist hubby-”

   
SO HUMANS CONTINUE TO PRATTLE LIKE MONKEYS EVEN AFTER TEN THOUSAND YEARS! WILL NOTHING CLEANSE THE EARTH OF THIS RAUCOUS PLAGUE OF INSECTS?

   
“We’re going to get thrown right out of here,” Danny said. His face screwed up in a horrible expression of discomfort.

   
“If the cops don’t beat the other tenants to it.”

   
“Please, genie,” Danny said, leaning down almost to the lamp. “Just tone it down a little, willya?”

   
OFFSPRING OF A MILLION STINKS! SUFFER!

   
“You’re no genie,” Connie said smugly. Danny looked at her with disbelief.

   
“He’s no genie? Then what the hell do you
think
he is?”

   
She swatted him. Then put her finger to her lips.

   
THAT IS WHAT I AM, WHORE OF DEGENERACY!

   
“No you’re not.”

   
I AM.

   
“Am not.”

   
AM.

   
“Am not.”

   
AM SO, CHARNEL HOUSE HARLOT! WHY SA Y YOU NAY?

   
“A genie has a lot of power; a genie doesn’t need to shout like that to make himself heard. You’re no genie, or you’d speak softly. You
can’t
speak at a decent level, because you’re a fraud.”