Twin Ties 2: Twin Affairs (12 page)

Evan woke periodically throughout the night from vivid nightmares in which he was either stranded in a barren wasteland with nothing but cracked earth and blistering sunlight in every direction, or there was a swarm of creatures around him, beating his flesh to a bloody pulp with their enormous, iron-like fists. Ripping himself out of these visions, gasping softly, he opened his eyes, peering into the gloom to find Alek, right there beside him in bed. Their hands rested side-by-side on the bed, barely grazing each other. Each time Evan woke, Alek already had his eyes opened and was watching him with concern—which only deepened when Evan couldn’t bear to meet Alek’s gaze after only a fleeting glimpse.

Once or twice, Alek asked if Evan needed more pain meds. Evan shook his head. Another time, Evan held his breath as tears sprung from his eyes. Alek tenderly caressed his cheeks to wipe them away. The kindness killed Evan and made it all so much worse. Exhausted, he slipped back into sleep time and time again, only to be tormented by the creations of his mind until dawn arrived.

Evan lay awake as Alek got dressed for work, saying nothing to him, but turning in gratefully to Alek’s touch when Alek caressed his cheek. Alek asked if he should call out from work for the day and stay home with him, but Evan shook his head, burning with self-hatred and regret when Alek lovingly kissed his forehead in goodbye.

Hours passed. Sometimes there was a presence lingering in the hall or doorway and Evan could feel it was Brennan without having to look, but he attempted to block it out. There were three pillows wedged, by Alek, under Evan’s back to prop him up in bed to relieve the discomfort in his ribs. He dozed off, or pretended to, in that position for a while before pushing the pillows away and curling up on his side instead, despite the pain it caused him, or maybe because of it.

Nothing mattered—not the things Evan was expected to do, like get out of bed and take a shower or eat breakfast; not how he felt or whether or not he’d managed to re-break his bones; not what he wanted, because the things he wanted were what led him further into misery, tormenting those he loved.

It didn’t matter if Brennan was standing a few feet away, watching him, or why Brennan was there, when the last thing Evan would have expected Brennan to want to see was him. It didn’t matter if the phone kept ringing with Brennan speaking in fervent, strained whispers to whoever was on the other end. It didn’t even matter that it seemed like Alek and Brennan weren’t angry with him. It didn’t matter at all.

All that mattered was being very still and very quiet, doing nothing and affecting others as little as he possibly could. Tired of doing the wrong thing, of touching those who mattered to him most in negative ways, he wanted to escape, to get in his car and drive as fast as he could in any particular direction, just as long as it was away. But Luka was right; there was no running away from this. He couldn’t do that just as he couldn’t wander out to the road and step in front of a tractor trailer right as it went by. There was no painless, noble way out. He made his bed. Now he had to lie in it.

So, that was exactly what he did, and nothing else. It was better that way for everyone.

A floorboard creaked in the hall. Wood groaned as there was another step taken into Evan’s bedroom. His back to the doorway, Evan willed Brennan to leave. He pretended to be sleeping.

“You were supposed to be at work by now. Mike called, wondering why you never showed. Evan?”

Leave me alone. Don’t pretend everything’s fine. Just go away. Please go away.

“I’d like to check out your ribs and take you for an x-ray if they’re really bothering you.”

I can’t even tell him to get lost. He shouldn’t want to have anything to do with me. He shouldn’t care about my damn ribs.

I wish Luka was here.

I wish I had my damn gun.

I wish Jimmy never found me.

I wish they’d left me to rot in that field.

Small and hushed, right by the bedside, a low, familiar voice asked somewhat fearfully, “Evan?”

Brennan hesitated, lingered, then lay down behind Evan’s turned back, spooning there. “Evan?”

Fingertips brushed gently back through the hair at Evan’s temple and down to the nape of his neck. It was the only point of contact between them. Brennan stayed a breath away; heat radiated from him, reaching out toward Evan. Brennan hadn’t touched Evan like that in weeks. It felt like an apology, like Brennan’s attempt at making some amends for staying away for so long. The only problem was, most of Evan had receded too far into himself to care.

But then, Brennan started to speak, very softly and right from the heart. Between them, formless, was Evan’s darkness and the possibility for ruin. Evan could sense how he had caused Brennan heartache. Sounding scared to the bone, Brennan tried to reach his brother.

“When I got really sad about Mom being sick, and afraid of losing her, she’d sing to me or just talk to me about whatever was on her mind—things she remembered from her childhood, the weather, our noisy neighbors, or a flower she saw growing in the garden. She’d hold me and just hearing her voice like that really made me feel better. It made me feel like she was really there with me, like I wasn’t alone. Sometimes even now, I feel like if I’m really quiet and listen hard enough, I can still hear her voice telling me to stop moping around and live my damn life already. So I just….” The back of his bent index finger dragged lightly down the back of Evan’s neck, right over the ridges of his spine, before pulling away. “I don’t know. You mean more to me than anything. You’re at least as important to me as she was and I’m not going to shut you out just because you hurt my feelings over a guy. Because that’s just stupid. Especially when I can, like,
feel
how much pain you’re in. I really can feel you, even when I’m trying not to. Maybe I’ve gotten too afraid again, for you. I was so scared for Mom for so long, then I had these reasons to be scared for you, and I couldn’t fight it. I just
was
. And it didn’t help you at all and I’m sorry for that.”

Evan reached back for Brennan’s arm. Finding it, he drew it around himself. Brennan, for a second, twitched away, afraid of making contact with Evan’s ribs. But it only lasted a moment. He let Evan lead and gave in to the embrace, sighing as his hand flattened, palming Evan’s chest. It settled both of them, made it all a little easier.

Brennan shifted forward, molding their bodies together completely for the first time in a long time, breaking some of the spell keeping them apart. Evan pulled Brennan’s arm even tighter, even closer, but still couldn’t bring himself to say a word.

After a while, Brennan said, “I make a mean macaroni and cheese if you want some. Interested? I mean, it’s not like I’m doing you any favors. I was going to make up a batch anyway. And I’m fully capable of spoon-feeding it to you and taking blackmail pictures of the whole thing for later if you don’t fucking say something already.”

Evan was surprised into a small laugh. “Fine. You win.”

“Ah, the sweet taste of victory.”

Brennan shifted away, sitting up and got off of the bed. He crossed the room and paused before leaving. Taking the stuffed ‘Get Well Soon’ bear he had bought for Evan when he was in the hospital from atop the dresser where Evan had placed it, Brennan brought it to Evan and tucked it into his now-empty arms.

Evan shot Brennan a look of pure wonderment, but hugged the bear to his chest after Brennan walked away.

The steaming, incredible-smelling bowl of pasta was hand-delivered to Evan’s bed. The brothers sat there, cross-legged and facing each other on the bed. Brennan smiled when Evan began to eat the food he’d prepared, with the teddy bear tucked protectively next to his side. Filling the quiet between them, Brennan told Evan about his latest progress in his search of good nursing programs in the area, as well as classes he could take online towards his certification.

“There’s a school about forty minutes from here and I think that’s my first choice. I could commute from here and it’s a two-year program so I’d be done pretty quickly. Mercy General would be where I’d try to find a position. After spending a couple of days there, I kind of got the flavor of the place. Seems like something I’d really like. Maybe sometimes I could volunteer at the clinic downtown, too. The next semester doesn’t begin until after the holidays, but registration already started, so I’ve gotta get my ass in gear. I, um… I’d probably need a car, if I was going to be doing all of that driving. Maybe you could help me with that?”

Evan glanced up when he felt Brennan’s pointed stare. For the most part, Evan’s eyes had been on his food, and it was one of the first times they had made eye contact. There was so much conveyed between them in that moment, but rather quickly, apologetic angst shifted to simple, unadulterated affection.

“Yeah. I can help.”

“Thanks.”

The tension was still there. Part of Evan wanted to throttle Brennan for being so nice to him when he should have been pissed off. Maybe Brennan thought Evan would feel better for voicing his feelings, but he didn’t push. Each moment, every passing second, felt like a step in the right direction. Being with Brennan, with all of the truth laid out bare, no secrets, no reason to hide, felt like a small miracle. Brennan’s company did fill the empty places for Evan, as hard as it was to believe and as easy as it was to forget when they did spend time apart. Slowly, too slowly, the darkness lifted. The dread dispersed. Everything that felt wrong began to feel right again. Hope sparked.

“Do you like it?”

“Sure. Beats the instant kind.”

“Good. You going to work tomorrow?”

Evan shrugged.

“You should let Mike know what’s going on before he fires you or something.”

“He wouldn’t fire me,” Evan mumbled. “But I guess I can call him.”

“Will you let me take a look at your side?”

Raising an eyebrow, Evan hesitated and gave Brennan a doubtful glance.

“Please.”

“I’m fine.”

“Maybe I don’t believe you.”

Evan stabbed a few noodles and popped them into his mouth. Picking through what was left in his bowl, his expression soured and, eventually, he said, “Will you get off my back about it if I agree to this?”

“Yeah.”

Evan set the food aside and turned his face away from Brennan when he shifted closer.

“Sit up straight. Lift your shirt.”

“Why?”

Brennan gave him an exasperated look. Evan rolled his eyes, tugging up his t-shirt on one side, just enough to bare the area by his healing ribs. When Brennan pushed the fabric up farther for a better look, his fingers feeling for tender spots, watching Evan’s face for his reaction and signs of pain, a dark red, small, circular bruise was also revealed just underneath Evan’s pectoral muscle. Brennan touched it gingerly with the fingertips of his left hand as his right continued to move over Evan’s ribs.

“That’s not—” Evan started, trying to pull his shirt back down.

“I know what it is. That’s why you didn’t want me to look, isn’t it?”

Evan didn’t respond.

“Does this hurt at all?”

Brennan pressed harder at Evan’s side, and saw his jaw clench. “A little. It’s not a big deal.”

“Are you lying?”

“I don’t know, Bren. Am I? You tell me if you know so much.”

Brennan’s hand fell away. Evan yanked down his shirt and folded his arms.

“Why can’t you just be mad at me like a normal person? Don’t you know it makes it worse when you do this? I betrayed you and you’re making me lunch and worried about if I hurt myself while your boyfriend was fucking me and I
just can’t take it
! Just
be mad
! Yell at me! Tell me off! Hit me! Something!”

“No,” Brennan said softly, shaking his head. “I won’t. Sorry.”

“’Cause you’re so much better than me, right? You’ve got it all figured out. That’d make sense, wouldn’t it? Because I’ve got absolutely
nothing
figured out so, you know, it all balances.”

“No, I know that’s what you like to think, Evan, but that’s not reality. I just refuse to hurt you anymore because you hurt yourself plenty. I’m not going to make it worse for you.”

“Can’t you just screw up once? Just
once
? And not be so fucking perfect all the time?”

“I’m not perfect, Evan! I’m really kind of flattered you see me like that, but I’m not. I wasn’t perfect when I pushed us into having sex, when I snuck in here that night and took advantage of you when you were half asleep. I knew you’d let me do it, that it would be easy to get you to go along with it once we started going in that direction. When Luka told me his first was Alek, I wanted that, too, with you. I wanted you to be
my
first, and I didn’t ask or talk to you about it like I should have. I just took it from you, and you know what? Luka almost broke up with me over it.

“I don’t blame him, either. Maybe he should have. That morning, after our run, he was ready to break it off because he knew what I did, and
why
I did it. He saw through me. He saw how selfish my motives were, and now that I think about it, that was the first time I started to suspect he was seriously falling for you. He loved you even then. But I mean,
fuck
, Evan! Alek forced Luka into having sex with him, and at least Alek had the excuse of being high and being led into it by someone else. There is no excuse for what I did. No wonder Luka wanted to end it! I was reenacting with you the very thing that’s haunted him for years, without really hearing what he was trying to warn me about. And the guilt I’ve been carrying around over that—for you
and
for Luka. I pretty much pushed you two together.
I
did it. That’s why I’m not mad, okay?”

“You asked permission,” Evan insisted, quickly getting upset. He was surprised by his tears and the way his chest tightened. “You asked and I said yes. You didn’t
force
anything.”

“No? How about when I held you down and kissed you when you
begged me
to let you go?”