Authors: Nick Douglas
Tags: #General, #Humor, #Social Science, #Satire And Humor, #Reference, #Sociology, #Wit and humor, #Humour: Collections & General, #Popular Culture, #Popular Culture - General, #Quotations, #Humour collections & anthologies, #Anecdotes, #Web - Social Networking, #Twitter, #Online social networks
Why is fertility still the default setting?
C’mon conservatives, support your commander in chief! After all, we’re fighting two wars. Three if you count the war on Christmas.
Why aren’t martini glasses shaped so that they don’t spill so easily on the bus?
Worst-case scenario, Roomba edition: dog poo on the floor. ’Nuf said.:-(
You can’t really appreciate the vapidity of most people’s taste in music until you live directly above a traffic signal.
Sangria is like naughty Kool-Aid.
Please tell your grandfather to stop sending me Evites to parties in his pants.
Swallowed a fly earlier. I know I can get it out. If only I could remember what comes after goat.
That Pixar does a great race-against-time.
Having a tribal tattoo is like having a wallet chain that you are never, ever allowed to take off.
You know what this guitar needs? Lessons.
The bulimic next door kept me awake all night, again. Have asked her to keep it down, but it doesn’t seem to help.
I’ll tell you what. There be mad sisters up in here causing a brother to stumble. Dear Lord.
I still have a hard time thinking of NWA as an airline.To me they’ll always be straight outta Compton.
Just had my eyes examined. Doctor says my next prescription will be a dog.
Family will be here in two hours. There are not nearly enough spaces to hide things in this apartment. It’s like I’m playing Shame Tetris.
A banana is a troubling thing. Because after—and ONLY after—you take a bite, it looks like a cat’s ass.
Just chillin in the car waiting for my girlfriend but this fucking crossing guard will NOT STOP STARING AT ME!!!
My God, how long are we going to have to wait for Billy Joel to write a catchy tune about the financial crisis bringing us closer together?
Just decided I’m naming my first child “Carry-on Item” if it’s a boy or “Ole Man Johnson” if it’s a girl.
Pro tip: When you pull numbers out of your ass, try to avoid the sharp ones like 2, 3, 4, 5 & 7.
Fact: Every time Barbara Walters makes someone cry with her first question, she gets an extra life.
I accommm, I acc…I dood it.
Mr. Zoom tells me it is about time for us to go out to a nice restaurant again. We are almost out of matches for the bathrooms.
Thanks for heightening my understanding of the Arab-Israeli conflict with your inappropriately serious status updates.
Good things come on those who wait.
NAIL POLISH DOES NOT HEAL CIGARETTE BURNS
Sign on empty curbside baby crib said $10, but I swapped it for my sign that said: “FREE BABY”
Things were going beautifully until he professed his undying non-ironic love for Ronald Reagan. Nothing trickled down tonight, I assure you.
I keep a record of EVERYTHING coworkers tell me. If I had a nickel for every time they told me to stop doing this, I’d have exactly $12.45.
A look at their remaining schedule, along with a more aggressive offense, makes me think the Somali Pirates are going to make the playoffs.
This week is so slow whoever plays it in a movie will win an Oscar.
Once I start tooting the empty beer bottles, it’s like, TOOT TOOT, HERE COMES THE PARTY BARGE! And then I look around and I’m alone and sad.
For all its problems, the US is making progress. After 50 years, the message is finally changing from “Buckle up” to “Don’t drive drunk.”
YOU CAN’T OUTSOURCE BALLS
Our New York friend drives like a bad cabbie, but I can’t punish him with a shitty tip.
I defy you to share something more humiliating than riding a recumbent bicycle in your own bedroom.
I ain’t no holla back tenor.
1) Get ice cream. 2) Dribble on table. 3) Reach across table for napkin with which to clean it up. 4) Hey, where’d it go? 5) Dammit, boob!
It’s official, this economy sucks. I asked, “Can I get a what-what?” and the bank said no.
Saw a headline about a local teacher arrested for sex with a student. I know I should be outraged, but my first thought was, “Job opening!”
Oh my god, I’m a townie.
Went into Babies R Us for a gift and the salesgirl congratulated me. Bitch. Oh, and I should probably rethink this outfit.
THE LORD YOUR GOD REQUESTS AN IPHONE APP THAT GETS YOU TO SHUT UP
Dr. Drew just identified the male G-spot. It stretches from the belly button to the knees and can be stimulated by throwing a shovel at it.
Survivorman just called, he said everyone tweeting about how cold it is can suck it. Then he made warming KY out of fish guts. Gross!
Why does a 4-yr-old need a dental checkup? Aren’t those teeth, like, disposable? This is like putting plastic cutlery in the dishwasher.
I have no intellectual equal. But I will catch up with you all eventually.
When they both laughed at their teacher’s pronunciation of platypus they thought of love. I so hate animals, he said. She touched his hand.
Dating question: Should “I make my own clothes” be an upgrade or a downgrade?
I really wish customs agents would stop trying to punk me.
Always trust a coyote on where to order inexpensive contraptions. Never trust a coyote on physics.
My ennui is at an all-time whatever.
The hotel cleaning girl just knocked on the door and came in to clean. Then said “sorry” and…just…left. Those porn movies LIED TO ME.
I cut a chunk out of my thumb at work today. HALF-DAY, BOOYAH!
Just spent the better part of a 60 min. meeting trying to think of ways to derail said meeting so I have no idea what happened. I still win.
Now that I own a tarot deck, sleight of hand would really come in handy.
One day, will our children turn to us and ask, “Mommy and Daddy, why was all of your hip-hop performed by braggy robots?”
I don’t believe in holidays that Google doesn’t change its logo for.
Candyland tastes like cardboard.
I saw a guy dressed as Superman in Grand Central. I thought I recognized him but he wouldn’t put on his glasses so I couldn’t be sure.
Tools for Twitter Wits
Internet comedy is serious business! These tools help you spend hours crafting a single witticism, watching your readers’ reactions, and winning the approval that Dad never gave you.
Birdhouse (birdhouseapp.com): Save drafts of tweets on your iPhone.
Favrd (favrd.textism.com): Read everyone’s witty tweets and see who liked what.
TweetDeck (tweetdeck.com): Separate the people you follow into groups: personal friends and entertaining strangers.
Twuffer (twuffer.com): Schedule tweets for publishing later, to spread one burst of inspiration over the following two days.
Tweetie (tweetie.com): The best way to read Twitter on an iPhone. Remember to star the tweets you like.
Is that guacamole on your pants, or are you just hap…That’s just gross.
I like to imagine unlikely movies with Philip Glass scores. Did you know that Armageddon is a brooding and intense meditation on mortality?
Walking into the 5-yr-old’s bedroom and saying, “Looks like a princess *exploded* in here!” does NOT go over well with the 5-yr-old.
I wonder how much that deficit clock cost.
Like in “WALL•E,” my first date with my wife was at a dump, then into my roach-infested apartment, where I touched her as she was passed out.
Just deactivated my Facebook account. I suddenly feel 25 things lighter.
Yoplait commercials: “This is like, approximation of my sense of womanhood by an advertising agency good.”
I wish I had an evil twin. Take that back, I wish I were the evil twin.
“Existentialism is a preoccupation with fear, death, and failure.” I do that enough already without doing it professionally.
Both my son and my fridge have leaked onto the floor tonight. Hopefully the dishwasher isn’t fazed by peer pressure.
Have you seen Putin with his shirt off? That is going to be a HOT war.
Thanks to peripheral vision and the breakfast food aisle, I thought for a moment that Post came out with a new cereal called “Just Bitches.”
I feel like a mushroom. Kept in the dark and fed nothing but shit.
I was hoping for a little more enthusiasm from this passion fruit.
Oh, I get it, this is music that isn’t to the rhythm of sexual intercourse!
I hate Freudian tits. I mean, slips.
Sometimes there’s not much difference between “manly man” and “dumbly dumb.”
Directions on microwave meal: “Take precautions, as gravy may bubble over.” Precautions? Like building a dam?
I’ll never get a desk job. You know, when your partner stimulates you with a desk? Yuck.
Somebody picked my dwarf friend’s pocket last night. I mean, seriously, who would stoop so low?
The bad news is we had to let go of about 8,000 clone troopers today. The good news is it really only counts as 1.
I WAS MAILING A LETTER TODAY AND THE STAMPS SAID “USA FIRST CLASS—FOREVER.” I THOUGHT, “THAT SEEMS A BIT BRAGGY.”
Why do Christian holidays involve home invaders? Santa, Easter Bunny…Jews get it. Like Passover, the get-the-fuck-outta-my-house holiday.
I guess the folks down the street don’t realize that the pointy-headed ghosts in their yard look like another less savory kind of group.
I don’t mean to sound bitter or like a hater but OMFG the general public sucks so bad.
Hamsters are great. You don’t have to feed them or give them water, then in 3 days they die and you can just get a new one, if you want.
I absolutely live for small dried fruits. They’re my raisin d’être.
Well, that’s 4 movies down; the most violent one, too, unless there’s something I don’t know about the 40th anniversary DVD of Mary Poppins.
Accidentally bought scented tampons. The experience of coochie mixed w/cheap perfume is exactly what I imagine Mariah Carey to smell like.
For today’s audition I attempted to be both big and subtle. In a word, bigtle.
Right now I look like the million bucks you invested in the stock market.
The guy who invented those small touch screens on planes will experience hell as being poked in the back of the head repeatedly by pixies.
If Great Wits Used Twitter
Twitter wit is just the latest incarnation of the timeless tradition of witty one-liners. The sharp-tongued writers of the past would have made perfect Twitter users.
Please accept my resignation. I don’t want to belong to any Facebook group that will accept me as a member.
The only thing worse than being retweeted is not being retweeted.
Insanity in individuals is something rare—but in groups, parties, nations, and fans of “Two and a Half Men,” it is the rule.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, so I TiVoed it for Thursday.
Be kind, for everyone you meet found terrible parking.