Read Twitter Wit: Brilliance in 140 Characters Or Less Online

Authors: Nick Douglas

Tags: #General, #Humor, #Social Science, #Satire And Humor, #Reference, #Sociology, #Wit and humor, #Humour: Collections & General, #Popular Culture, #Popular Culture - General, #Quotations, #Humour collections & anthologies, #Anecdotes, #Web - Social Networking, #Twitter, #Online social networks

Twitter Wit: Brilliance in 140 Characters Or Less (4 page)

BOOK: Twitter Wit: Brilliance in 140 Characters Or Less
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itsbynnereel

Guy in fatigues in the bar looking for his buddies. Can’t find ’em BECAUSE THEY’RE IN CAMO TOO.

jimray

To those I’ve promised postcards: They are coming! I will not let you down! Well, I mean, I probably will, but in different ways.

zolora

Congratulations! You’ve done it! I am aware of breast cancer!

youngamerican

Twittering “Skittles” will get you on the Skittles.com homepage. Isn’t that the most underage Latino abortion thing you’ve ever heard?

samreich

“Yo, bro, explaining Burning Man is like trying to explain color to someone who’s blind.” And consequently wishes they were also deaf.

AinsleyofAttack

Got a great massage today. It’s like the masseuse knew instinctively that I hold all of my tension in my penis.

DougBenson

I’m at the Bill Murray-decides-to-join-the-army point in my life.

BrilliantOrange

I like Brazilian food. You almost never find hair in it.

MODAT

Instead of writing my name on my milk jug in the office fridge, I’m going to start taping on a Polaroid of myself drinking straight from it.

Remiel

Just try and make a fist while you’re holding a mango. Can’t do it. You want world peace, plant mango trees.

cluckcluckers

 

 

If someone spits gum on the sidewalk, we should be able to take their DNA from it, clone them, and then bet the shit out of their clone.

paulfeig

 

 

If I seduce it, really get it going, then leave it alone for ten minutes, maybe this paper will finish itself.

katefeetie

A Tulsa, OK, boy made a suicide pact with a well-known radio host, a pact that only one would keep. And now you know the rest of the story.

strutting

Somehow, I doubt the lady yelling, “GIVE ME MY FREE LATTE, CAUSE KARMA WILL GET YOU IF YOU DON’T, B*TCH,” really gets the concept of karma.

summerjane

It seems that, no matter how ugly a place may be, it will have “Keep XYZ Beautiful” signs. New Jersey has them. Mordor probably does, too.

jonathaneunice

They said I was just like a Republican Bill Clinton. Close, but no cigar.

LameBush

I need a woman that “gets” me. Or at least doesn’t think there’s something wrong with me just because I organize my Beanie Babies by phylum.

Fakeweiler

I don’t care what my psychiatrist says. I’m glad I’m a Jedi.

ttseco

When Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson bump uglies it must look like two bicycles trying to braid each other’s streamers.

AinsleyofAttack

Each time I stay at a hotel, they’ve found another little pillow to add to the pile at the head of the bed. It’s like a pillow arms race.

zeldman

Overheard: If you torture data long enough, you can get it to confess to anything.

adactio

I get a disproportionate sense of accomplishment when I clean a speck off the mirror, because it’s a two-for-one.

eyelemon

Wondering if hipsterism is catching, like the swine flu. In Williamsburg this weekend & suddenly feel like wearing skinny jeans & knit cap.

EOverbey

I’m not so sure a good man is that hard to find, but there’s no question that a hard man is good to find.

ctually

I’ve become so cynical about advertising that, now that milk is on TV, I wonder if it really is good for you.

heathr

All this rain, and no one to look out my mansion window and sing a Top 20 (on the urban charts) love song about.

Slapclap

 

 

ONCE AGAIN IT OCCURS TO ME THAT YOU COULD KIDNAP ANYONE BY STANDING CONFIDENTLY IN AN AIRPORT WITH A CARP WITH THEIR NAME ON IT.

NEILHIMSELF

 

 

All of my creativity and motivation seems to have seeped out into the carpet, and for once in their lives, someone vacuumed it.

 

alinasmith

After reading about the pet chimp attack, I killed our gecko just as a precaution.

 

buzzblog

Oh my god. I am in the mentally ill person line at the grocery store.

 

molls

The baby has gotten into the habit of falling asleep while I drive us home. So at least we have that in common.

 

toldorknown

I’m pretty sure, almost positive, that it doesn’t go, “For beautiful, oh, spacious thighs.”

 

Tinu

 

 

Five Rules of Twitter Wit

  1. Be brief. You’re not writing a novel. If you are writing a novel, my guess is you should stop, burn it, and apologize.
  2. Don’t get too clever. You’ll spend the whole day explaining your joke to baffled followers.
  3. Write a draft and save it. The better version will occur to you in an hour.
  4. Stretch yourself. Take a break from puns for a bon mot. Stop the insult jokes and write a limerick.
  5. Relax. The next tweet will be funnier.

 

 

In addition to charging me an extra $50 to sit next to my wife, US Airways will charge $55 for our 3 bags. The CEO must have a heroin habit.

 

mat

NEW COMMANDMENT: THOU SHALT NOT

 

thelordyourgod

Some people say, “Drinking after you’ve just woken is inappropriate,” and to them I say, “What if you wake up at a party?”

 

jakec

Just saw a white guy dancing and thought, “What a dork.” Then realized it was a black guy and thought, “Y’know, he’s actually pretty good.”

 

ScottAukerman

Honestly, calling your paper toilet seat cover brand “Life Guard” seems a little melodramatic.

 

brittany

I messed up and engineered an invisible Sea-Monkey. Now I can’t remember which glass is ok to drink from.

 

crispycracka

Open the pod bay door, asshole.

 

Frageelay

Just saw a bumper sticker that read, “Torture Is a Moral Issue.” Whoa, never thought of it that way.

 

michael

Today I’m 31. That’s like 80 in Facebook years.

 

melissagira

I just sneezed into a box of tissues, and now I’m not really sure what to do.

 

Rachelskirts

This cover band is playing a song where they often sing, “YOUR SEX IS ON FIRE,” but at no time mention getting that checked out.

 

kimproper

It’s so cold today that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself to women.

 

penfabulous

Thinking if we changed the name of “taxes” to “hookers” we might be able to get politicians to pay them.

 

TerryBain

Managing 3 Twitter accounts can be dicey. For ex, the other day I almost sent you guys my cat’s recent tweet: “Happy to report: clean butt.”

 

johnprocopio

You never see anyone covered in soot these days. Where did it all go?

 

rccoomedy

I just realized Chewbacca carries a purse.

 

kellydeal

Way to go, hiccups. Thanks for ruining my street cred.

 

sween

My decision to seek and attend the Catholic church with the best website was a little like looking for the puppy with the best GRE scores.

 

EffingBoring

“I did not hit you. I just high-fived your face.”

 

brittneyg

It’s adorable when Canadians try to look all pimpy with fistfuls of Canadian money. “LOOK AT ALL MY COUPONS!!!”

 

merkley

 

 

My kids’ new Winnie the Pooh book shows they have a new human pal, a girl.
So Christopher Robin finally grew up & moved to West Hollywood?

BillCorbett

 

 

The condoms I use are so sensitive, they stick around to talk to the chick for an hour after I leave.

ersatzmoe

The worst thing about “We Didn’t Start the Fire” is that what finally sends Billy Joel over the edge is the Pepsi Challenge.

philgs

Chapstick should be marketed as making-out lube.

elisharene

I’m thinking about calling child protective services on Mother Nature.

DanaBrunetti

The Chinese might be beating us in the “economy” game these days, but they are WAY behind us with the whole New Year thing.

A_Brianstorm

Ahhh, the clitoris: nature’s Rubik’s Cube.

twoname

VH1’s new line up consists of a spin-off of a spin-off, and a spin-off of a spin-off of a spin-off, which is surprisingly creative.

joebreed

In SF’s city guides, events are grouped by category. Art and museums are lumped into “Art/Museums” while “Jam Bands” is its own thing.

missionmission

One of you people has stolen my brain, and I want it back raight naow bfoor tinghs gtt ny wurs

warrenellis

Ah. In that thread, “JEW” was short for “Jimmy Eat World.” Editing my vitriolic reply to your “I FUCKIN’ HATE JEW SONGS” comment posthaste.

youhas

I just watched a pot come to a boil and now I’m wondering what other lies I’ve been living.

GorillaSushi

Deriving my porn alias from my first pet’s name and the street I grew up on, I’d be Munchie Hood. Pretty much guarantees girl-on-girl only.

Aimee_B_Loved

Obama was able to shower and dress after his workout in 18 minutes. His press conference was 24 minutes. May make 15-minute brownies in 12.

jdickerson

Some people don’t like Vietnamese food, but I don’t know what they’re complaining pho.

spdracerx

I’d tell my ex to go fly a kite, but he has problems keeping things up.

hoosiergirl

 

 

Why should
I
be the one to take the kids to see their psychologist? I don’t even love them!

fireland

 

 

Buying groceries online is convenient but deadly boring. As a result, most things in our fridge start with “A,” “B,” or “C.”

adamisacson

I just realized all my friends are married. I freak out if I keep a Netflix for more than a week.

dascola

I think it’s so great how Anthony Bourdain’s cheeks waited to get pregnant until after he quit smoking.

lindstifa

No ma’am, Wireless-G isn’t a rapper.

lefauxfrog

Just typed “search resluts” by mistake. Sorta makes sense. Search resluts: when all your searches bring up the same adult content sites.

johntunger

 

 

If you haven’t seen “Crying Game”

STOP READING THIS.

For the rest of us, how insane was it that that girl turned out to be a DUDE?

davidwain

 

 

Why doesn’t Krackel challenge CRUNCH’s supremacy in the chocolate-and-crisped-rice space? Why does Hershey’s keep it in the fun-size ghetto?

andrewdupont

Remember, kids, it’s a crime to not film sex you’ve paid for.

subsocial

Physics student emailed me at end of semester, “Are you sure I got an A?” So I changed it to a THE WORLD IS GOING TO FUCKING EAT YOU ALIVE.

nonsequiturific

My tits look awesome when I pick them up off the floor and put them in a bra.

fourformom

If I had a corn maze, I’d call it “The Corn Maize”! That’s probably why they won’t let me have a corn maze.

dartanion

There’s a line between metrosexual and homosexual that you’re walking your dog right past, sir.

tomcunningham

Mourning doves are the most common songbird in my neighborhood. And they’re all horny right now. Sounds like a goddamn Joy Division concert.

sunshynegrll

Little known fact: Aquaman is peeing in the ocean ALL THE TIME.

fancycwabs

I’m giving up for Lent.

ladawn

Saw a lost dog sign for a shih tzu/Yorkie mix. He’s not lost—he’s hiding, afraid of what you will try to breed him with next.

zmatt

You’d think my sister’s OCD & ADD would cancel out. Really they just make her forget what she’s doing halfway into reorganizing your closet.

poeks

Upon seeing rampant toddler in mall: Before kid: Control your brat! After: Must plot intercept course, allowing for pull of gumball machine.

seanhussey

Allergy testing confirmed that I am allergic to everything outdoors, including trees, grasses, weeds, and reggae festivals.

gshellen

Sometimes I wish I could sing, but I ALWAYS wish I could fly.

baileygenine

The plural of vagina is awesome.

InSoOutSo

 

 

MELBOURNE, IN A DARK A ROOM. I MAY BECOME A VIGILANTE SUPERHERO, MY COSTUME MADE FROM THINGS I FIND. BEHOLD CAPTAIN SHOWER CURTAIN.

RUSTYROCKETS

 

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