Authors: Nick Douglas
Tags: #General, #Humor, #Social Science, #Satire And Humor, #Reference, #Sociology, #Wit and humor, #Humour: Collections & General, #Popular Culture, #Popular Culture - General, #Quotations, #Humour collections & anthologies, #Anecdotes, #Web - Social Networking, #Twitter, #Online social networks
Guy in fatigues in the bar looking for his buddies. Can’t find ’em BECAUSE THEY’RE IN CAMO TOO.
To those I’ve promised postcards: They are coming! I will not let you down! Well, I mean, I probably will, but in different ways.
Congratulations! You’ve done it! I am aware of breast cancer!
Twittering “Skittles” will get you on the Skittles.com homepage. Isn’t that the most underage Latino abortion thing you’ve ever heard?
“Yo, bro, explaining Burning Man is like trying to explain color to someone who’s blind.” And consequently wishes they were also deaf.
Got a great massage today. It’s like the masseuse knew instinctively that I hold all of my tension in my penis.
I’m at the Bill Murray-decides-to-join-the-army point in my life.
I like Brazilian food. You almost never find hair in it.
Instead of writing my name on my milk jug in the office fridge, I’m going to start taping on a Polaroid of myself drinking straight from it.
Just try and make a fist while you’re holding a mango. Can’t do it. You want world peace, plant mango trees.
If someone spits gum on the sidewalk, we should be able to take their DNA from it, clone them, and then bet the shit out of their clone.
If I seduce it, really get it going, then leave it alone for ten minutes, maybe this paper will finish itself.
A Tulsa, OK, boy made a suicide pact with a well-known radio host, a pact that only one would keep. And now you know the rest of the story.
Somehow, I doubt the lady yelling, “GIVE ME MY FREE LATTE, CAUSE KARMA WILL GET YOU IF YOU DON’T, B*TCH,” really gets the concept of karma.
It seems that, no matter how ugly a place may be, it will have “Keep XYZ Beautiful” signs. New Jersey has them. Mordor probably does, too.
They said I was just like a Republican Bill Clinton. Close, but no cigar.
I need a woman that “gets” me. Or at least doesn’t think there’s something wrong with me just because I organize my Beanie Babies by phylum.
I don’t care what my psychiatrist says. I’m glad I’m a Jedi.
When Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson bump uglies it must look like two bicycles trying to braid each other’s streamers.
Each time I stay at a hotel, they’ve found another little pillow to add to the pile at the head of the bed. It’s like a pillow arms race.
Overheard: If you torture data long enough, you can get it to confess to anything.
I get a disproportionate sense of accomplishment when I clean a speck off the mirror, because it’s a two-for-one.
Wondering if hipsterism is catching, like the swine flu. In Williamsburg this weekend & suddenly feel like wearing skinny jeans & knit cap.
I’m not so sure a good man is that hard to find, but there’s no question that a hard man is good to find.
I’ve become so cynical about advertising that, now that milk is on TV, I wonder if it really is good for you.
All this rain, and no one to look out my mansion window and sing a Top 20 (on the urban charts) love song about.
ONCE AGAIN IT OCCURS TO ME THAT YOU COULD KIDNAP ANYONE BY STANDING CONFIDENTLY IN AN AIRPORT WITH A CARP WITH THEIR NAME ON IT.
All of my creativity and motivation seems to have seeped out into the carpet, and for once in their lives, someone vacuumed it.
After reading about the pet chimp attack, I killed our gecko just as a precaution.
Oh my god. I am in the mentally ill person line at the grocery store.
The baby has gotten into the habit of falling asleep while I drive us home. So at least we have that in common.
I’m pretty sure, almost positive, that it doesn’t go, “For beautiful, oh, spacious thighs.”
Five Rules of Twitter Wit
In addition to charging me an extra $50 to sit next to my wife, US Airways will charge $55 for our 3 bags. The CEO must have a heroin habit.
NEW COMMANDMENT: THOU SHALT NOT
Some people say, “Drinking after you’ve just woken is inappropriate,” and to them I say, “What if you wake up at a party?”
Just saw a white guy dancing and thought, “What a dork.” Then realized it was a black guy and thought, “Y’know, he’s actually pretty good.”
Honestly, calling your paper toilet seat cover brand “Life Guard” seems a little melodramatic.
I messed up and engineered an invisible Sea-Monkey. Now I can’t remember which glass is ok to drink from.
Open the pod bay door, asshole.
Just saw a bumper sticker that read, “Torture Is a Moral Issue.” Whoa, never thought of it that way.
Today I’m 31. That’s like 80 in Facebook years.
I just sneezed into a box of tissues, and now I’m not really sure what to do.
This cover band is playing a song where they often sing, “YOUR SEX IS ON FIRE,” but at no time mention getting that checked out.
It’s so cold today that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself to women.
Thinking if we changed the name of “taxes” to “hookers” we might be able to get politicians to pay them.
Managing 3 Twitter accounts can be dicey. For ex, the other day I almost sent you guys my cat’s recent tweet: “Happy to report: clean butt.”
You never see anyone covered in soot these days. Where did it all go?
I just realized Chewbacca carries a purse.
Way to go, hiccups. Thanks for ruining my street cred.
My decision to seek and attend the Catholic church with the best website was a little like looking for the puppy with the best GRE scores.
“I did not hit you. I just high-fived your face.”
It’s adorable when Canadians try to look all pimpy with fistfuls of Canadian money. “LOOK AT ALL MY COUPONS!!!”
My kids’ new Winnie the Pooh book shows they have a new human pal, a girl.
So Christopher Robin finally grew up & moved to West Hollywood?
The condoms I use are so sensitive, they stick around to talk to the chick for an hour after I leave.
The worst thing about “We Didn’t Start the Fire” is that what finally sends Billy Joel over the edge is the Pepsi Challenge.
Chapstick should be marketed as making-out lube.
I’m thinking about calling child protective services on Mother Nature.
The Chinese might be beating us in the “economy” game these days, but they are WAY behind us with the whole New Year thing.
Ahhh, the clitoris: nature’s Rubik’s Cube.
VH1’s new line up consists of a spin-off of a spin-off, and a spin-off of a spin-off of a spin-off, which is surprisingly creative.
In SF’s city guides, events are grouped by category. Art and museums are lumped into “Art/Museums” while “Jam Bands” is its own thing.
One of you people has stolen my brain, and I want it back raight naow bfoor tinghs gtt ny wurs
Ah. In that thread, “JEW” was short for “Jimmy Eat World.” Editing my vitriolic reply to your “I FUCKIN’ HATE JEW SONGS” comment posthaste.
I just watched a pot come to a boil and now I’m wondering what other lies I’ve been living.
Deriving my porn alias from my first pet’s name and the street I grew up on, I’d be Munchie Hood. Pretty much guarantees girl-on-girl only.
Obama was able to shower and dress after his workout in 18 minutes. His press conference was 24 minutes. May make 15-minute brownies in 12.
Some people don’t like Vietnamese food, but I don’t know what they’re complaining pho.
I’d tell my ex to go fly a kite, but he has problems keeping things up.
be the one to take the kids to see their psychologist? I don’t even love them!
Buying groceries online is convenient but deadly boring. As a result, most things in our fridge start with “A,” “B,” or “C.”
I just realized all my friends are married. I freak out if I keep a Netflix for more than a week.
I think it’s so great how Anthony Bourdain’s cheeks waited to get pregnant until after he quit smoking.
No ma’am, Wireless-G isn’t a rapper.
Just typed “search resluts” by mistake. Sorta makes sense. Search resluts: when all your searches bring up the same adult content sites.
If you haven’t seen “Crying Game”
STOP READING THIS.
For the rest of us, how insane was it that that girl turned out to be a DUDE?
Why doesn’t Krackel challenge CRUNCH’s supremacy in the chocolate-and-crisped-rice space? Why does Hershey’s keep it in the fun-size ghetto?
Remember, kids, it’s a crime to not film sex you’ve paid for.
Physics student emailed me at end of semester, “Are you sure I got an A?” So I changed it to a THE WORLD IS GOING TO FUCKING EAT YOU ALIVE.
My tits look awesome when I pick them up off the floor and put them in a bra.
If I had a corn maze, I’d call it “The Corn Maize”! That’s probably why they won’t let me have a corn maze.
There’s a line between metrosexual and homosexual that you’re walking your dog right past, sir.
Mourning doves are the most common songbird in my neighborhood. And they’re all horny right now. Sounds like a goddamn Joy Division concert.
Little known fact: Aquaman is peeing in the ocean ALL THE TIME.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Saw a lost dog sign for a shih tzu/Yorkie mix. He’s not lost—he’s hiding, afraid of what you will try to breed him with next.
You’d think my sister’s OCD & ADD would cancel out. Really they just make her forget what she’s doing halfway into reorganizing your closet.
Upon seeing rampant toddler in mall: Before kid: Control your brat! After: Must plot intercept course, allowing for pull of gumball machine.
Allergy testing confirmed that I am allergic to everything outdoors, including trees, grasses, weeds, and reggae festivals.
Sometimes I wish I could sing, but I ALWAYS wish I could fly.
The plural of vagina is awesome.
MELBOURNE, IN A DARK A ROOM. I MAY BECOME A VIGILANTE SUPERHERO, MY COSTUME MADE FROM THINGS I FIND. BEHOLD CAPTAIN SHOWER CURTAIN.