Authors: Nick Douglas
Tags: #General, #Humor, #Social Science, #Satire And Humor, #Reference, #Sociology, #Wit and humor, #Humour: Collections & General, #Popular Culture, #Popular Culture - General, #Quotations, #Humour collections & anthologies, #Anecdotes, #Web - Social Networking, #Twitter, #Online social networks
Diaper change epiphany: corn can’t possibly have any nutritional value.
Two people are arguing just outside as to the definition of a “glancing blow.” Do I really have to do everything? Here. Let me demonstrate.
I’m immune to your accusations of homophobia. Some of my best shirts are gay.
True Tolkien devotees have of course read his masterwork, “The Favicon.”
Pet review: cat collar bells. Easy to care for and feed, but you may need to buy a cat to tell where it is.
I just love walking. I guess you could call me a pedophile.
Jewish kids have classes on the ways people have tried to kill us. Latest cause? The length of the classes.
ABOUT TO GO ONSTAGE IN PORTLAND, OR! TALK ABOUT A BUNCH OF WHITE DEVILS. WISH ME LUCK! MIGHT HAVE TO CALL SOMEONE W/ A TAN “BLACK”!
Whole lotta begatting.
There is nothing more infuriatingly depressing than a stale fortune cookie.
Son fell asleep on the couch watching “Nemo,” so I paused it on the sharks and scooted the couch within 6” of the flat screen. Now we wait.
No insurance, so I’ve self-diagnosed based on movies: tuberculosis. I hope it’s the pretty Nicole Kidman TB, not the sweaty Val Kilmer kind.
PSA idea for DC motorists: “Honking and You: Practical vs. Wanton”
If I am able to finish this tweet, then this is the slowest cashier in the world. Dum dee dum. Ba ba ba. Do do do. La la la. Gleep glop.
I think people are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it’s so much safer to harass rich bitches than motorcycle gangs.
If a bitch is a bitch (Ice Cube), and bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks (Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, et al.) we can conclude bitches is magic.
So now Blagojevich has been double-impeached, which sounds like a Ben & Jerry’s flavor.
If I were an OBGYN, my catchphrases would be “At your cervix!” and “Not guilty, Your Honor.”
Two pregnant women on the bus. It better not be contagious.
When Morgan Freeman reads a book, whose voice is in his head?
It’s cool how we can go from “hooray, racism is defeated!” to “those cunning Japanese devils” over just 2 weeks of newspaper op-eds.
Go ahead, say “Fat Tuesday” but in 15 years, successful Tuesday’s going to friend you on Facebook and you’re going to feel like a huge jerk.
Just knocked a Twix loose from the vending machine with sheer brute force. As usual, the entire office pretends to be unimpressed.
Hey, is it considered molestation if the child makes the first move?
I’m gonna need a quick answer on this.
I used the L-word. But I made sure the squeeze was almost asleep first, so I could later argue that it was just a dream.
When you have kids, “treasured heirloom” and “smells like pee” are not mutually exclusive.
Now that everyone knows who the 5th Cylon is, I can’t get into the best restaurants anymore. So much for celebrity.
I will not consider you my “pal” until you send me my money, PayDick.
Ever fall asleep reading Wikipedia and wake up feeling totally disambiguated?
HIV testing at work today. They make a special point to say “no needles!” because when you get an HIV test, the needle is the scary thing.
Crutches are cool if you think of them as Auto-Tune for walking.
I really feel sorry for the people in “Lost.” They still have four more years of Bush to deal with.
You never know what I have up my sleeve. Today, for instance, it was a green bean.
I have a lot of writing to do today. Imagine that I’m saying that with a gigantic smile. Also, for the hell of it, put me in a top hat.
Your baby did not appreciate my Pacino impression. I don’t know, he crawled outside somewhere. Yeah, well, maybe my FEELINGS got run over!
Just bought a watch on sale that’s water resistant to 100 m, so if I ever find myself down that deep, I’ll know what time I died.
5yo pointing towards disposal in ladies’ restroom: “Is that where girls put their coupons?”
I love this shirt. I love this coffee. I just don’t want them hanging out together.
French Connection clerk was so goddamn smarmy I wanted to tell him to go fcuk himself.
If I could sleep with any celebrity, living or dead, I would.
Premise: Computers are horrible. Theory, from premise: As phones become tiny computers, their horribleness will increase in kind.
You never really appreciate how much stuff fits inside a Costco-sized container of something until you spill it.
They have all these cases for the iPhone but not a single one that I can wear as underwear.
California Update: We apparently don’t have any water. I guess people won’t really start to panic until we run out of silicone and collagen.
History shows the Japanese were only able to destroy one US city after the bombing of Pearl Harbor: Detroit.
I am so homesick. So I’ve pretty much stopped going there altogether.
I never have a problem keeping “Christ in Christmas,” as I’m sure to invoke his name several times Christmas Eve assembling the kid’s toys.
Packing for my buddy’s bachelor trip in New Orleans. No idea what one wears when “clubbing,” so packing my “douchebag” Halloween costume.
I’m not saying that it’s the best, but if there is anything better than hot, freshly baked banana bread, I haven’t had sex with it.
Made it rain
at the club last night.
Thought people grab all the money
and give it back
so you can throw it again.
Not how it works
At lunch with my daughter. This girl makes the best wingman. Where was she when I was single?
Rice is a good option if you feel like eating 3,000 of something.
What my proctologist doesn’t know yet won’t hurt him. Might surprise him, though. Teehee!
I’ve always relied on the kindness of strangers and the hatred of loved ones.
Apparently the act of combining DNA from two adults with ADD can result in an eight-year-old with the personality of a pogo stick.
Her: “So what do you do in NYC?” Me: “Lunch.” Her: “No, really.” Me: “Really. It’s a city of lunch.”
New term for today: “bone juice.” “I have to wash the sheets today. There’s dried bone juice all over them.”
“These people are not aware of my awesomeness. I should probably lean out the window of my limo and screech.”
Boss affectionately referred to the 5th and 6th shots of tequila as “team building.” By end of day we could have started a sports league.
I came down with a case of veganism last week, but the doctor gave me some cream for it.
The Epic Fight
One of the most annoying yet compelling uses of Twitter is live-tweeting: a sort of embedded reporting from Twitter. In this example, the user blissfork tracks a series of epic fights she’s overheard from her neighbors
“I don’t think a rock on a metal band is worth thousands of dollars, but YOU do. YOU convinced me that it’s worth it. But now I wonder.”
“I want to marry you? That’s like saying I want to go to the museum. When I’m fucking stoned all the time my feelings don’t match.”
“All I have wanted for YEARS is for our engagementship to move forward. All that I want is you. All that I HAVE wanted is you.”
“I TOLD YOU NOT TO FUCKING DO THAT! I TOLD YOU I AM FUCKING LEAVING YOU! I DON’T LOVE YOU! I DON’T WANT TO MARRY YOU!”
She must really want that engagement ring. She just gave him a blowy in the living room.
On a scale of 1–10 how pathetic is it if I go out alone? Ok, well, how about if I take off this shirt that says, “Looking for a baby daddy”?
Anyone else get paranoid as a kid thinking that they may not have said “amen” at the end of a prayer and that God was still listening?
Just spent 3 min trying to bite open tea packet, mumbling motherrrrfuckerrrrrr. Tea bag dangly thing says, “Let your manners speak for you.”
I want to open a gym called House of Reps.
I love how reading dating profiles gives so much insight into a person’s past lovers, like “NO CHEATERS!” or listing meth as a deal breaker.
Passing the Apple Store iPhone line I thought, “Camping on the street in San Francisco seems so cool, people should do it more often!”
If plungers could talk, you wouldn’t own one.
An extra DVD about Hitler isn’t exactly what I’d call a “bonus.”
I like having fun with my facial hair when I shave. Right now I’ve got a half chinstrap, one mutton, and a toothbrush.
I’m getting too old for this. Soon I’ll need each of you to remember what you did to piss me off. Maybe write it down, pin it to your coat.
Just trained my daughter to shout,
“Help, this isn’t my daddy!”
while walking hand in hand down the street.
I wonder what would happen if I mailed my landlord a check for $1 less. This could be the beginning of a very dangerous social experiment.
Really, those Virgin planes look so much like a bad club you expect the stewardesses to roofie your in-flight beverage service.
Three-Card Monte Python is when you get taken for $60 and then a 16-ton weight is dropped on your head.
Rain! Is spring close? Or is God sad because snow touches itself?
“You will not sucks forever.” Thanks, fortune cookie.
I want smooth-jazz-canceling headphones.
Nearby house is painted bright yellow. Don’t mind that, but they missed a patch. Some night I’m going over with a box of highlighters.
Sex. Me. This burrito. Pick any two. Wait, stop, I was going to eat that.
Burned hand on popcorn, jumped in pain, knocked knife off counter, stabbed foot, got paper cut from Band-Aid wrapper. Take that, Darwin!
I have, for now, successfully dodged the question of whether Elmo has a “wee-wee.”
A friend msgd me a picture, “africankids.jpg.” When I closed the msg, it said: “africankids not saved. Save now?” I have God’s cell phone.
Overheard at Wal-Mart: “How many gift cards with the Asians on ’em did you get?”
I like to play a game when I people-watch. I call it “Girlfriend or Daughter?” It’s not really the kind of game you win.
Daughter uses mouse to drag scrollbar. Me: single tear.
My grandpa walked in on me playing GTA IV. “Yeah, Grandpa…this is, um, just a driving simu—whoops. What? Oh, no. He’ll be fine.”
Still a little bitter that Yahoo! didn’t go with my suggestion of “Fuckin’ A!” at the naming meeting.
Dreamt I was playing a combination of GTA and Wheel of Fortune. I shot a hooker, took her money, and bought a vowel.
There’s no use putting it off any longer. I’m going to have to revise my will, and specifically define which Muppets get what.
We just diagnosed a kid on “House” with the Chronic Uglies.
Richard Littlejohn is an English journalist so committed to bigotry that he would probably forcibly repatriate Santa Claus to Lapland.