Authors: Nick Douglas
Tags: #General, #Humor, #Social Science, #Satire And Humor, #Reference, #Sociology, #Wit and humor, #Humour: Collections & General, #Popular Culture, #Popular Culture - General, #Quotations, #Humour collections & anthologies, #Anecdotes, #Web - Social Networking, #Twitter, #Online social networks
I’m see-through. And my top is drunk.
If “fourthmeal” is the meal between dinner & breakfast, what is it called when you eat a kitten?
The “J” on the neighbors’ light-up “JOY” decoration just burnt out. A multifaith family, perhaps?
I still stalk you. I’m just not in stalk with you.
Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch.
Waitress just said their creamed spinach was “banging.”
Not sure how I feel bout that.
I didn’t get where I am today by explaining things to retards, so either pick a dipping sauce or have your baby shower at another Chili’s.
Leno criticized Twitter for having a permanent record of anything you’ve ever said. Sounds almost as horrible as taping yourself every day.
Hail making scratching sounds on the windows. I told the kids snowmen were trying to get into the house. Sleep tight, kids.
I used to complain that I had no shoes, until I met a man who threw his shoes at the president, and then I REALLY wanted shoes.
My mechanic just told me I could pick my car up at 5 p.m. and that they “might be having a few beers there after work.” OMG is this a date?!
My personality test results came back. They’re negative.
In suburbia, my friends say I’m one of the funniest people they’ve ever met. In Brooklyn, I’m just a guy without a beard.
Kudos to the Gitmo job-skills program: Those guys find work as soon as they get out.
The baggage carousel sounds a lot more fun than it actually is.
You can have my BK Cheesy Sausage Wrap when you pry it from my stiff, inflamed, gout-riddled fingers. Just take it.
Razor ads for men: YEAH! You’re a man! Scraping metal across your jugular! Laugh in death’s face! Razor ads for women: Tee-hee! It’s PINK!
Have you ever noticed that Trader Ming and Trader Joe are never in the same room at the same time?
“Were you exposed to livestock recently?” she asked. “Why?” I replied. “What lies have they told you?” Doctors don’t think I’m funny either.
A haiku is like
A poem with OCD
Now go check the stove
At a cemetery, looking for my name on tombstones. This is the Goth version of Googling yourself.
I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance by peeling out after hitting that Pinto!
That bath bomb I got as a gift was filled with GLITTER. There’s got to be a less messy way to turn someone gay.
It will be a sad day in Mudville when Frankie Muniz decides he wants to be called “Frank.”
Michigan, the Fail-Me State
Wearing a shirt that can best be described as “lieutenant in whatever army Coldplay has started.”
I’m like Brad Pitt, if Brad Pitt had a huge dick, was great at sports, and was a lot better looking.
Using a Q-Tip for the first time in a week must have been what Madonna was singing about in Like a Virgin.
Uncertain times call for uncertain leadership and thankfully Congress is contributing more than its share.
Wait. “Vagabond” means nomad? I always thought it was some kind of vaginal adhesive.
Holy shit! I wasn’t just in a plane crash!
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Marble statues with a single exposed breast are the power ballads of the 1880s: every “serious artist” did one but some made a career of it.
Meth may cause “paranoia, delusions, hallucinations, which may trigger a tension headache.” Jesus, not a tension headache.
All the animals are on board and accounted for, Noah, but I’ve got bad news. The unicorns are gay.
Pigs in blankets!? I never sausage a thing.
To stimulate the economy, first we must find its G-spot.
My phone’s predictive text just suggested “bullshit” at the end of a Valentine’s text. I think it was jilted by a Nokia.
ShamWow: Beware of imitators, like the ShamMeh.
I wish someone would invent a smell-yourself device. That’s all.
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, his name is my name, too. Whenever I go out, the people always shout, “Hey…guy.”
You’re more than welcome, homeless gent. However, I have to believe if you had the power to make God bless anyone, well, you’d have a home.
Discovered today that Costco sells caskets. For $799 my bachelor pad just got a bit more interesting.
I like to give blood before binge-drinking to ensure maximum partying!
Jehovah’s Witnesses came by today. Nice people. A little…“churchy.”
Ran out of deodorant midway, so one arm is Shower Fresh, the other is Eastern Lily. This has the makings of a wild day.
Sometimes I worry I’m one of those people from the black & white parts of infomercials whose lives are held hostage by things like pockets.
Where to Find the Wit
With Twitter, every little daily circumstance is a gold vein of humor that you will come to mine for years until everyone tells you to get a new shtick already. And comedy comes from more than the obvious sources. But here are the obvious sources.
I propose every American get one free killing. We’d all be nicer to each other because you’d never know if someone had used theirs up.
I’m not exactly one to bring the funk, but perhaps I shall rent the funk for the day.
OK. If you were my ambition and career goals, where would you be hiding?
James Brown didn’t write lyrics. He wrote commands and instructions.
My haircut went from “cool” to “Christian golfer” a lot faster this time.
I took the “Which meme are you?” quiz and the result is: The One Where You Photoshop Something or Whatever.
There is no ill that great sex can’t cure. Except nymphomania. Then I guess you’re fucked.
When your feelings are best described by a Jewel song, it’s probably time to hide the cutlery.
Dear incredibly hot gym instructor: Thanks for wearing a Brokeback Mountain T today so I can finally stop shamelessly flirting with no ROI.
Ratio of boys to girls at the Disneyland princess coronation—1:300. That’s my Quinn.
My daughter is eating vegetarian chicken nuggets. I’ll bet chickens gathered outside the lab that developed that food.
“How’s it coming?”
Wearing new navy-and-white-striped sweater, feeling like some kind of nautical bumblebee.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from witchcraft and should be burnt.
I got an extra two years just because I laughed every time the judge said penal.
Legless man screaming: “I gave half my body in ’Nam & nobody will even give me a dollar.” Gave him leftover Vietnamese food. Kind or cruel?
Kool-Aid Man probably felt like a total prick when he busted through that hut wall in Jonestown.
We’ve now been in our house for a week and love it. I’m going to cherish every moment between now and foreclosure.
The baby just saw me naked. Now she knows where she got her thighs.
In the biggest Wal-Mart of my life. There’s *weather* in here.
Acupuncture works. How many sick porcupines have you seen?
We drink coffee here like it’s going out of style. When it does go out of style, I guess we’ll drink it ironically.
I was really impressed by Bush’s farewell speech. He should have delivered that YEARS ago.
Jim pointed to my 5-month-old nephew and sassily promised, “With three minutes of concerted effort, we could have one of those too.”
When I tell people that I am a cat person, I feel like a little part of them is let down that I am not a cat-human hybrid.
Even Hemingway was a Hemingway impersonator.
Why did Donkey Kong even bother throwing barrels? Why not let Mario get up to his level and then just beat the shit out of him?
I cannot WAIT until the final episode of “ER,” when the entire city develops rabies, a T. rex invades, and Clooney blows up the hospital.
Either that chick was anorexic or the coatrack just got up & walked out of the room.
I just wish there was a way to *monitor* Christian Science.
Eating Doritos while copying out my new weights routine, I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma dusted in florescent-orange fake cheese powder.
How awkward will this be on a scale of one to threeway?
My god, if squirrels spent half as much time trying to cure cancer as they do trying to figure out bird feeders…
Does Jack Kevorkian deliver?
Took Myers-Briggs for first time in 5 years. Went from INTJ to ENTJ. Basically I’m still an overthinking douche, but I talk to people now.
Just explained Twitter to my friend Bill. I don’t think I did it right, as he’s excited to sign up.
Anthropologie: The official wardrobe of Audrey Hepburn fanfic writers everwhere.
I respect your right to express your opinion as long as you respect my right to slowly lose interest in whatever it is you’re talking about.
Ever since my brother pointed out its double meaning, the children’s store downstairs, “Hey, Diddle Diddle,” has made me uneasy.
Harry Potter and the Fact That 3 Students Always Have to Save the School Is a Scathing Indictment of the Tenure System.
You answer the phone, sure it’s your significant other. It’s a salesman. The French call that split second of intimacy “the little rape.”
“What’s your favorite mid-range dessert wine to pair with fruit?” Boy, these password questions are getting tricky.
The worst thing about being an atheist is that you’ll never get to say, “I told you so.”
BILLY MAYS IS LIKE CAPS LOCK IN REAL LIFE.
As if there weren’t enough horrors in Nazi Germany, they were but a keystroke away from exposure to Hogan’s Herpes.
I spend the day leaving scraps of paper with celebrities’ names and long numbers near different banks around the city, and I feel at peace.
The greatest gift you can give a child is time. Just kidding, it’s probably some Pokémon shit.
Just bought three knives and a coffee grinder. I can’t wait to see what movies Amazon recommends to me next.