Twitterature (16 page)

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Authors: Alexander Aciman

BOOK: Twitterature
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Nobody will help me pay off my husbandʼs debt. Not even the men I slept with. Iʼll eat poison and solve everybodyʼs problems. Namely, mine.
 
Maybe I should have just left that poor doctor and his wife alone. Or been a good wife. W/e.
Death in Venice
by Thomas Mann
@GustavaelJackson
 
Like the elevator business, being a writer has its ups and downs. At least I made my last name sound aristocratic. That should get me laid.
 
Iʼm in Venice. Thereʼs a really old gent with make-up, fake teeth, and a wig hanging out with kids. Gross.
 
Thank God I get to stay in the nicest hotel in Venice. My wife just died. I keep having these weird encounters with men. Iʼm probably gay.
 
While walking in the hotel lobby, saw a little kid dressed in a sailorʼs uniform. Went from six to midnight. No Viagra needed.
 
 
Is it creepy that Iʼm following this kid in the hotel? Heʼd tell me if he felt weird, right? Should I buy him some candy to earn his trust?
 
I feel so separated from my desires. I think the best plan would be to dress like Michael Jackson and wander around Venice at night.
 
Thereʼs a health warning out about shellfish. Maybe the Jews were right.
 
Forget the Jews. I think the shellfish disease is like my boner for this kid. Yeah, that makes no sense.
The Italians say that the heat is the health risk. The Brits say itʼs cholera. Iʼm definitely listening to the inventors of penicillin.
 
I had a wet dream about the boy. Itʼs time to start plan B: heavy, heavy stalking.
 
I worry that his parents have noticed me. They might issue an Amber alert if the child goes missing. Look out for gondola and child.
 
A barber convinced me to get this ridiculous haircut.
 
I must follow the child around town. Iʼm wearing some pretty, pretty rad clothes, if I may say so myself.
 
God I feel like shit. This fruit needs some fruit. Where the strawberries at?
 
Does this Polack kid even know who I am? Iʼm a big-time writer. He should be bowing to me. Literally.
 
I went to the beach and saw the boy Iʼm obsessed with fighting another kid. He got his ass kicked.
 
Heʼs walking so tranquilly yet lustfully across the beach. Heʼs so beautiful. Heʼs so sensual. Look at that move: the moonwalk.
 
Heʼs staring back at me. Heʼs calling to me. Time to get my game on.
 
 
Suddenly I feel sort of weird. Maybe I ought to sit back down for a mome—
The Three Musketeers
by Alexandre Dumas
@dʼArtsDaMAN
 
Itʼs time to go off into the world and follow my secondary dream and become a Musketeer. Apparently Jedis donʼt actually exist.
 
My father wrote me a rec letter to a captain. I lost it though, walking through a dodgy neighborhood. I bet those goddamn gypsies took it.
 
I met the captain today. He kinda treated me like a retard for losing the letter. I told him it was gypsies.
 
 
Uh, I may have gotten myself in a bit of a jam. Three Musketeers want to duel. Maybe I can take them?
 
 
Oh thank god Cardinal Richelieu banned duels. Almost died. The men want my help to kill the cardinalʼs men. Success=street-cred. Respekt.
 
 
I moved into my new digs today. Landlord is a grumpy old man. But his wife is fiiiinnne. I bet she married for the money.
 
 
Iʼm in love with this woman. The thought of her husbandʼs saggy balls on her enrages me. Ah Constance, I dream of you at night.
 
Anne DʼAutriche gave her diamonds to a duke. She could be in trouble if anyone finds out. Affairs are dangerous things.
 
I have to go on a diamond heist with my boyz. Athos is riding shotgun in the carriage.
The cardinal doesnʼt want us to have the stones. The musketeers decided to come though because they canʼt resist an adventure.
 
This cardinal is an evil, evil man. I bet he molests children. Time to start that rumor. Hope it sticks.
 
 
He kidnapped Constance! That fucker. My crew is gonna settle this.
 
 
Uh, so, uh, yeah. The rescue mission got complicated. Someone tried to kill me. Anybody know the best way to get rid of a body?
 
Apparently chopping off the head and dipping it in lye really works. Anybody read
Dorian Gray
or watched the
Sopranos
?
 
 
Anytime I go on an adventure with the Three Musketeers it turns out pretty hilariously. Bodies. They are serious little fuckers.
 
Porthos loves hookers though. Athos just wants to kick it on a farm.
 
Aramis wants to be a priest. Maybe I shouldnʼt have said all that nasty stuff about the clergy and little boys?
 
Iʼm gonna be an officer. Who knew this comedy of errors and bodies and sex could lead a poor boy to the title of officer?
 
Good things always seem to happen to the picaresque, donʼt they? Huh, sometimes life is just great. And I have these new friends.
Twilight
by Stephenie Meyer
@TheSecondSexist
 
Iʼm a teenage girl hoping to make friends at a new school in a new town. This should be
fascinating
! Oh, the weather sucks.
 
Wow, Iʼm all of a sudden really popular! This is a twist on the popular trope, isnʼt it? Oh, except this TOTALLY HOT guy says I smell bad.
 
He makes vulgar, offensive faces at me with his wanton, profound eyes. Itʼs a cliché for me to fall. But why fight it? He is so very fine.
 
His face burns in my mind, and his hands seem crafted by God himself. I surrender.
 
I knew it. He just wants to be friends. (Notice how our relationship now seems unique for that reason.)
 
So Iʼm out walking and BAM, a car almost runs me over except that my new ʻfriendʼ shoves it out of the way with his bare hands.
 
 
Hey, anyone know what disease causes frigid skin, no need for food, and fear of light? Vitiligo universalis, like MJ had? Or is it death?
 
Pretty boy is a vampire. A bit obvious, but I still feel such a hormonal pull. Heʼs pure pussy magnet.
Today I asked if he only liked me because of my tits. He said no, itʼs the smell of my blood. FML.
 
I like him ʼcause he can read everybodyʼs mind, but not mine. Maybe if he stopped staring at my tits . . . I donʼt care. Heʼs so
dreamy
.
 
He says heʼs part of a no-killing-humans club. I hope heʼs not just saying this to get me into bed.
 
A bad vampire tried to kill me. He threatened to murder my mother, too. See? There IS some action in this story.
 
The bad vamp managed to bite me but my guy took him out and cured me. That was resolved quickly. Well, now we can be together.
 
I hope he doesnʼt bite during sex, that would really suck.
 
Oh, what do I tell my family? You canʼt introduce a vampire the same way you introduce an artist or a vagrant.
 
Since he is a vampire and I am a human, weʼll have to work at our relationship. I am ready to make sacrifices, thoʼ not BE sacrificed. Clear?
 
My life lately has been a bit like a lonely girlʼs slightly creepy juvenile sex fantasy. But at least it really happened!!!
 
@YoungGirls: If a guy is hot enough, itʼs OK if heʼs also a blood-sucking creep. Completely subordinate yourself and accommodate him. Worth it.
 
Good thing this happened. Otherwise it would just have been a 40 yr old me, a bottle of cheap wine, and a whole bag of issues.
Moby-Dick
by Herman Melville
@greatwhitetale
 
Call me Ishmael. You could call me something else if you want, but since thatʼs my name, it would make sense to call me Ishmael.
 
You know what Iʼve always wanted to do? Work on a whale boat. I know I used to be a schoolteacher, but now I want to kill whales.
 
Met a man who says he can get me a job on the boat of a Captain Ahab. Traveling to Massachusetts to see.
 
My friend is a huge Polynesian harpoon-man. Seems all of Ahabʼs harpoon-handlers are such. Black spear-chuckers. Is that a problem?
 
On the boat. Something strange is going on. The Captain has a leg made out of a whale bone, and the crew seems terrified of him.
 
Captain obsessed with finding a whale called Moby Dick. Sounds like the meanest VD ever, if you ask me. Sorry. Old joke. Couldnʼt resist.
 
Ahab wants to hunt the whale. Starbuck says we must pursue profitable biz ventures. Argument ensued. Passion defeated capitalism. Go figure.
 
We set out. Follow @Starbuck, @Queequeg for long introspective soliloquies on the human soul. Or @Tashtego if you like adorable kittens.
The crew members really do reflect a gathering of all the spirits of the American experience. The ʻGreatʼ American experience?
 
Turns out Ahab had his own secret whale-boat crew here. One of the guys seems to be running the show, Rasputin-style.
 
Anyone follow @Pip? Heʼs a smart guy. You think itʼs a joke that I tell you a little black man is brilliant? Nor smile so, twit.
 
Ran into other ships. Usually you get to play games, but Ahab is kind of a stuffed shirt and only asks, ʻOh hey. You seen Moby Dick?ʼ
 
Queequeg is very sick. Please pray for him. This is serious. A coffin is being made for him at this very moment.
 
Never mind. The Q ʻchanged his mindʼ and will be living after all. The coffin is being retrofit into a lifeboat. Irony!
 
Ah ha! Someone has seen the white whale. Itʼs about time everyone STFU about the human condition and we saw some ACTION.
 
Found the whale. We have begun to chase it. I suspect this clash of titans wonʼt end well - for us.
 
And if his chest were a cannon, he would have launched his heart upon the whale. A bit self-defeating? Is that the point? Can you fathom it?
 
Youʼd think several boats of highly experienced whale-hunters wouldnʼt get schooled so badly by a big dumb whale. Oh well. Game over.
By game over, I mean everyone is dead but me. Iʼm adrift on what was supposed to be Queequegʼs coffin. Like I said, IRONY.
 
Itʼs kind of cold out here. Can somebody come pick me up? Please? Anybody . . .
Don Quixote
by Miguel de Cervantes
@DonQuixotic
 
People say that sleep deprivation, isolation, and too much reading have made me loopy. But I say nay! Nay!!!
 
I am a noble knight on a quest! Where is my trusty horse Rocinante - like Bucephalus with syphilis.
 
I am going full-creeper and giving a girl I love a special secret nickname without her even knowing about it.
 
Iʼll call her Dulcinea. Get it? Like Dulce del Coochayyyy.
 
A castle! No drawbridge. Pretty, pretty shabby if you ask moi. Iʼll ask the owner to knight me.
 
Is it bizarre that the owner of a castle is wearing patched overalls and has a corn husk pipe? Not very classy for a king.
 
He has knighted me! When the ladies ask who I am Iʼll say:
Quixote, Don Quixote.
Some traders have insulted my woman!
 
Fight didnʼt end well. Asshole neighbor brought me back home.
 
By Merlinʼs balls! A wizard, my niece claims, has taken our library away with magic. No more books for me :(
I promised some Sancho Villa mo-fo his own island if he helped me escape my niece so I could continue my quest.
 
Iʼm off on my journey!
 
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK ARE THESE FUCKING GIANTS DOING. HOLY SHIT THEY HAVE 4 FUCKING SPINNING ARMS!!!
 
People say I have to pay my debts, but a Don donʼt pay squat!
 
Today a man said to me:
Don Quixote, I wanted to thank you for inviting me to your daughter's wedding on the day of your daughter's wedding.
 
For Justice, we must go to Don Quixote.
OK, enough Brando jokes.
 
So today Santo Paco, Pablo, Taco Bell - whatever his name is - brought three peasants and said they were Dulcinea and her maids.
 
Well Pablo Panzo, all I see are three whores!! LIAR!!!
 
 
Oh who am I kidding? This is a barberʼs bowl, not a helmet. And this horse blows.
 
Iʼm just some guy Alonso with illusions of grandeur. I donʼt feel so well. Itʼs time to go to bed, time to sleep.

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