Twitterature (13 page)

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Authors: Alexander Aciman

BOOK: Twitterature
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Itʼs as if the less he seems to care about me, the more drawn to him I am. This seems like the opposite of how it should be? Oh well.
But I do hear bad things about this Mr Darcy and they have begun to repulse me. Nothing ruins infatuation for a lady like hearsay.
 
That other dude dumped my sister, and him and Darcy left town. What a mean, mean man! Heʼs terrible! Oh, he wants to marry me.
 
Really let Darcy have it - over my sister, and that officer he cheated. Said Iʼd never marry such a bad man. Never. Absolutely never.
 
Isnʼt it cool how Iʼm defying my gender role by standing up for myself? My whole family, though flawed, does make a strong claim for women.
 
Just received a letter from Darcy. Taking a look.
 
Huh. I guess he wasnʼt such a bad guy. Maybe everything had an explanation. Maybe I do like him, just a little bit . . . best not think of it.
 
Sorry, itʼs been a few months. Out in Darcyʼs land now - touring his estate. Quite nervous to see him . . .
 
So Darcy is here. Heʼs handsome, charming - everything. Weʼre ABOUT to make the magic happen when my STUPID sister disappears with some guy!
 
Hunt continues for @Lydia - has she tweeted any clues as to her whereabouts? Check @Wickham too - heʼs the deadbeat.
 
So @Lydia and @Wickham actually married in secret. Well, as long as theyʼre married, their disappearance and sexual escapade is OK, I think.
Meanwhile, Jane - wonderful, sweet Jane - is also married. Weʼre dropping like flies! I suppose I love Darcy now, after all of this.
 
He and I are wed and have moved to our own home in the country. I got the man, his money, and uh . . . womenʼs power!
Sir Gawain and the Green Knight
@GawainsWorld
 
Cruel fate has landed me on King Arthurʼs b-squad. Lancelot frogged his damsel and we all know it, but heʼs top dog. WTF?
 
 
So listen here, some green man came to the hall and wants someone to cut his head off. Some sort of dare? Could be fun, right?
 
The deal is I cut off his head now, and he cuts off mine a year later. What a jester - doesnʼt he know heʼll be dead?
 
 
This goblin fellow is totally dead.
 
All seemed fine until Ichabod Crane here fell to the floor, stood up, and picked up his head. His head, in his hands. In HIS HANDS!
 
Oh boy, Iʼve really soiled the kettle now. I gotta skip out of Camelot, honor my word, and find this devil so he can reciprocate.
 
 
I had it coming. ʻYeah Gawain, come over, weʼll have a good time, open some champagne, have some ham, itʼll be fun.ʼ Arthur, you prick.
 
This is the last time I get drunk with the Sirz. Itʼs never happening again because IʼLL BE DEAD!
Iʼm bumping my nads on this horse, looking for someone who will kill me. He cannot be killed. Also, itʼs Nativity festival season.
 
I found this castle in the woods. The lady here wants to pull Excalibur from my stones, if you know what I mean.
 
 
The owner wants to make a deal. He says that whatever I earn there I have to give to him in exchange for what he earns? Why not.
 
 
Wait, wait, if I get on his woman, then logically, on my honor, I would have to sleep with him . . .
 
Iʼm not doing that. I almost did a man when we were trying to kill that dragon in Ireland and thought we had ten minutes to live. That was awkward.
 
 
His wife gave me a silk scarf which she SAYS will keep me from harm. Couldnʼt hurt, right. Iʼm basically fated anyway. Ugh, fate.
 
Forget the deal with her husband. Iʼm not giving him a scarf that could save me. If Mr Stevie Wonder believes in superstition, so can I.
 
 
Time to go meet my fate. I should have never cut off that guyʼs head. How did I not see this coming? Because itʼs completely unpredictable.
 
You think if you cut off someoneʼs head, heʼll die, but not in Camelot. Fucking Camelot. Maybe the scarf will help.
Heʼs gonna cut off my head now! If only I had heeded Sir Rae Kwonʼs timeless advice - protect ya neck. Ugh, Faugh my lyfe.
 
He didnʼt do anything, he just nicked me. Turns out it was the womanʼs husband. Weʼre leaving on peaceful terms.
 
Note to self: in the future, donʼt cut off anybodyʼs head if they might come back and cut off mine. Could be a trap!
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
by Mark Twain
@declineofwesternsiv
 
Seems like soon as a fella comes into a bit oʼ money, everyone comes out of the woodworks afterʼn it.
 
These ladies wants to sivilize me? More like reverse gold-dig my fame and fortune. @FencinTom: Get me outta here!
 
Escaped the house, but my drunkard Pap showed up. I reckon he is all kinds of bad for my development, locking me up in his cabin and all.
 
I just want to be free and have adventures and whatnot. Also, keep Papʼs hands off my damn money.
 
Faked my own death. Headinʼ down the Mississippi. Ran into the gold-diggerʼs former slave, Jim, trying to escape to Illinois.
 
Not sure how I feel about this. Donʼt think a slave ought to escape, on account of his being vital property and all.
 
Found a house floating on the river. Jim found a body but wouldnʼt tell me who it was. Probably not a big deal.
 
You know, the more I talk to Jim, the more I get to thinkinʼ, ʻBoy, these Negroes is just like other people. Maybe they shouldnʼt be owned.ʼ
Really though, what do you all think? Iʼm beginning to think that buyinʼ and sellinʼ peoples is immoral or something.
 
Tried out going in drag. Donʼt really want to talk about it. Long story short: being a lady is much more than a pretty dress.
 
 
I sure do live in a confounding hypocritical and silly world. This is why I ainʼt getting sivilized - cuz sivilization is crazier than me!
 
OH WTF! THEY SHOT MY ONLY FRIEND!! CANʼT TWEET, TOO UPSET. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.
 
 
Picked up two guys. One says heʼs king of France, other an English duke. Weird. Why would royalty move to America to become scam artists?
 
 
On an unrelated note, I saw a man give a moving oration on the cowardice of a lynch mob. Had nothing to do with my adventure, but touching.
 
The goddamned king went and sold Jim! Some friend. I really thought I could trust the fellow, him being French and all.
 
 
In a pretty convenient twist of fate, it turns out Jim got sold to old Tom Sawyerʼs relations.
 
They think Iʼm Tom. Tom came - he says heʼs my brother. Tom has hatched an elaborate plan to free Jim.
Need to ponder slave morality one last time. I suppose, in the end, slavery is probably a bad idea, considering reparations and all.
 
Sprang Jim out. Heʼs free, Iʼm free, all seems well.
 
Oh wait. Jim was already free by order of the law, and Tom knew it. He just wanted to have an adventure. LOL.
Frankenstein
by Mary Shelley
@NotoriousDOC
 
I often think of the craziest thing I could get away with using my MD.
 
Digging up body parts and putting them together seems pretty out there. Maybe add a million volts of electricity?
 
Just did a bit-torrent-style grave robbery. My new ʻmanʼ will be an artful collage. Also, good conversation starter.
 
Itʼs alive! Iʼd better beat it over the head repeatedly with a fire extinguisher.
 
So sometimes you build something, and it gets away. Theyʼre gonna can me at the university if they find out about this.
 
Jeez, the monster is killing people. Wonder if this will be more professionally embarrassing than getting caught with a black hooker?
 
 
Iʼve just received word that my brother has been killed. Itʼs that lying bitch of a maid! Letʼs kill her!
 
Not the maid. It was the monster. He learned how to fool the whole CSI team by planting evidence. Heʼs good. I guess Iʼm responsible?
 
This killing thing is getting way out of control. You know, like a mistress you canʼt shut up?
Iʼm definitely not responsible for this.
 
When I put the body together it was all for the HaHa. I didnʼt think it would live. And why must an abomination kill as its first instinct?
 
Itʼs time to take a trip. Want to hear some really great, extended scenery descriptions? Iʼm an aspiring poet, so donʼt judge me.
 
D PromethianOG: Honestly dude, chill the fuck out bro. Stop killing shit. Iʼm getting fucked for it. Could lose my tenure.
 
Now Iʼm sick, and in jail. Are you happy?
 
Good, bail allowed. I had to use my card though. At least Iʼll get miles.
 
You know whoʼs kind of hot? My cousin. Iʼm gonna marry her.
 
Not fair. The monster just killed my cousin/wife. This is over. Either one of us, or both must join her.
 
I followed the assholeʼs trail to the North Pole. Maybe Santa will have some eggnog for me.
 
The monster I chased for all these months just killed me, then killed himself. And for irony, he did it on my pyre. FML.
All the Pretty Horses
by Cormac McCarthy
@AllthingsbeingEquus
 
My grandfather is dead. My father is broken by the war. I am too young to take over the ranch. It will be sold.
 
The Texas I love is dying. The frontier lies only across the border - to Mexico.
 
Rawlins says heʼll come with me. Our manly journey across the sparse landscapes of the south will serve as the stuff of American folklore.
 
Ran into some crazy kid. Perfect complement to my thoughtful stoicism! Riding a crazy horse, perhaps he will accompany us.
 
THUNDERSTORM!
 
 
Kid ran off, thinking he is destined to be hit by lightning. Has anybody seen a big white horse around?
 
 
Found horse. Kid stole it. Ran off. What now? Need a job.
 
Found jobs on a ranch. Good food, free room. Comely daughter.
 
<3 <3 <3 Horses <3 <3 <3
 
 
Long courtship. The daughter is drawn to my mythic character and insightful if rare words.
Her aunt went on some crazy duty and honor rant. Just let the girls be, beotch!
 
Arrested. Stuck in Mexican prison. Just like spring break, hah!
 
Everyone is my enemy. I think Iʼve lost my youthful naiveté. World is hard.
 
Shank! Shank shank shank! Who knew stabbing someone got you out of jail?
 
Tried to win back the lady. She wonʼt come with me! ʻDutyʼ and ʻhonorʼ. Code for FRIGID, amiright?
 
Back in Texas. Nothing is resolved.
 
I remain confused by the simultaneous horror and wonder of the empty world. However, I am wiser for the experience.
 
Donʼt worry. I still love horses. I am the model of a man.
 
Or is liking horses this much kind of girlie? That would really cramp my point here.
Swannʼs Way
by Marcel Proust
@RaidersOfTheLostTime
 
I canʼt wait for Mom to tuck me in. Perhaps Iʼm too old for this, but then I see light in the hall as she approaches and think, Nah!
 
My father wants me to stop behaving like such a little mommaʼs boy in front of the guests, but what does he know?
 
Aunt is such a big part of life. Sheʼs also a big pain in the
derrière
. But ohhh, those snack-cakes make me so HOT.
 
Summer is over. Iʼm sad about leaving the country house, but donʼt know why. The flowers here mean so much to me. BTW: Aunt dead.
 
My neighbor Swann is quite a guy, I hear he used to be a real stud.
 
 
@BotSwanna
Iʼm not too popular, except that the grandmas and the geriatrics really do love me.
 
I saw a
fille
tonight at dinner. Total 10. She seems so sweet. And well-intentioned. And innocent.
 
I took her home. She was wearing a symbolic vagina-flower, and I touched it gently, slowly, subtly, unnoticeably, and went to bed with her.
 
Remember when I took that girl home? I do it every day. Iʼm nuts about this one. Sheʼs mine, and nobody elseʼs.
Turns out sheʼs a
putain
hooking up with other girls and servicing men on yachts. I heard it through the grapevine.

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